Callings, rebuilding faith, and attitude

[Newmamma48]

So my husband and I just moved into a new ward a few weeks ago and we're expecting a baby in two months. We've been dealing with a faith crisis of my husbands for pretty much the entire year, and while he's back on board with most of the doctrine, he still has a lot of issues with the way things are done in the church and with the "Mormon culture." 

Anyway, last night the elders quorum pres asked if he could stop by to talk to my husband about a calling at 9pm. So my husband was on the defensive before he even came over because, 1. My husband likes to keep to himself and doesn't want a calling, 2. He was annoyed at how late the eqp wanted to come over (eating into both our and his family time), and 3. He struggles with elders quorum already and doesn't want to be more involved.

The eqp was a little pushy about the calling (home teaching supervisor), and while he listened to my husbands confession that he's never had a good home teaching experience and doesn't see the point of it, he tried to remind my husband that maybe this might be an opportunity to change his perspective on home teaching ( which really rubbed my husband the wrong way ). The eqp was really nice and tried to be really encouraging but it came across as kinda pushy ... My husband eventually accepted, but grudgingly. After the eqp left he unloaded all of his annoyances and issues with home teaching and how callings are given and how much time is unnecessarily taken away from family time on me, which I understand given the position he's in faith-wise and his past experiences. But I think he's overreacting because he doesn't want to make more of an effort (its really not that in depth of a calling anyway)

I know that my husbands attitude could use some help, but I don't know how to encourage him not to be offended or annoyed at all these things that stem from his own past issues and not from someone trying to offend.

Any help or encouragement would be really appreciated. I'm just really nervous that if he's pushed too hard in any of this stuff that he'll just lose the spiritual ground we've been working towards the past year (he's really headstrong). But I also think that if he continues to not participate that we'll lose ground as well .. 

[zil]

I'm sorry to hear about the struggles you and your husband are going through.  A few thoughts to consider:

1) It's OK to tell the EQP that 9pm is too late in the evening and the appointment will need to be at another day/time.

2) You cannot change your husband's attitude, but through prayer, scripture study, church &temple attendance, service, etc., you can strengthen your own spirit, learn to (choose to) be happy even in hard times, and thereby help your husband simply by indirect influence.

3) Right now is probably a stressful time for your husband as your relationship (physical, emotional, social) has probably changed temporarily to accommodate the baby you're expecting - be sensitive to that.  He's probably stressed by the responsibilities of providing for your new child.

When I'm stressed, I tend to not do things I enjoy - which just makes me depressed too.  If you notice that, perhaps encourage him to regularly do something he enjoys.

4) If you aren't praying together as a couple, start (if he's willing), and let him hear you be grateful for him, and pray for blessings for him (not "make him better" type blessings those will probably be discouraging, and probably aren't helpful for either of you).  Few things have helped me be more humble, or want to do better, than hearing someone I love pray for me by name.

5) Do what you can to bring the Spirit into your home in ways that will help and not annoy your husband.  This could be as simple as pictures of Christ or a temple hung in a common area.  Your husband's focus on family might make him open to the idea of adding a framed copy of the proclamation on the family to your wall somewhere.  Music may also help.

6) It sounds like your husband is an introvert (as am I).  A few years back, I discovered that this is actually driven by one's "default" or "resting" brain stimulation (in other words, it's not an attitude or behavior problem, it's a neurological state).  If this is the case, then help him by giving him the time he needs to be alone / idle.  Introverts recharge when alone and expend energy when around others (extroverts are the opposite, they recharge through interaction and expend energy when alone).  When your husband comes home from work, he may need some time doing nothing or being alone in order for the stimulation from work to "wear off", for example.  Knowing this, and finding ways to accommodate his introversion (and him knowing it - I certainly didn't and therefore didn't deal with it well) will help both of you to be much happier - and help him to enjoy the time he does spend around people.  (If you want more info on this, let me know - PM or post back here, whatever you prefer.)  Note: For an introvert, HT or VT supervisor is not a simple calling - it's a draining one.

7) I don't know if it's even possible, but perhaps your husband could work with his Home Teaching companion to tweak their approach so that it's still accomplishing the requirements (per D&C and handbook, as I understand it) and yet done in a way that makes it meaningful to your husband -- that is, he forgets the "cultural' part of HTing, and accomplishes the doctrinal part in his own way...  (If that makes sense.)  This might help him change his thinking on HTing, thereby making it easier.  (This may be something for down the road, after some of the above or other changes...)

Those are just some random suggestions, in case something in there might spark an idea for you.  Know that your Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you and your husband, and want to help you.  Reach out to them, and trust them to guide you.  I will pray for you.

[Jane_Doe]

7 hours ago, Newmamma48 said:

Anyway, last night the elders quorum pres asked if he could stop by to talk to my husband about a calling at 9pm. So my husband was on the defensive before he even came over because, 1. My husband likes to keep to himself and doesn't want a calling, 2. He was annoyed at how late the eqp wanted to come over (eating into both our and his family time), and 3. He struggles with elders quorum already and doesn't want to be more involved.

If you don't want someone to come over, either at 9 or in general, you can just say "no".  Problem solved.   You can also say "no" to a calling, but this is something to be done in with prayer, and not just because a person is being lazy.  (This comment is not specific to your husband, but in general).

As to the rest, you know how to encourage your husband better than anyone.  What type of things encourage him?  Is it seeing you smile?  Is it serving other and seeing them smile?  Is it knowing he did a good job?  Is it simply joy in the Spirit?

 

 

[Guest MormonGator]

1 hour ago, Jane_Doe said:

If you don't want someone to come over, either at 9 or in general, you can just say "no".  Problem solved.   You can also say "no" to a calling, but this is something to be done in with prayer, and not just because a person is being lazy.  (This comment is not specific to your husband, but in general).

@Jane_Doe is 100% correct on this. It can be hard for LDS to say "no" but it's completely moral and healthy. I've done it several times when a calling didn't fit me or they've asked for assistance on a service project and I have to work!

[yjacket]

9 hours ago, Newmamma48 said:

2. He was annoyed at how late the eqp wanted to come over (eating into both our and his family time), and 3. He struggles with elders quorum already and doesn't want to be more involved.

The eqp was a little pushy about the calling (home teaching supervisor), and while he listened to my husbands confession that he's never had a good home teaching experience and doesn't see the point of it, he tried to remind my husband that maybe this might be an opportunity to change his perspective on home teaching ( which really rubbed my husband the wrong way ). The eqp was really nice and tried to be really encouraging but it came across as kinda pushy ... My husband eventually accepted, but grudgingly. After the eqp left he unloaded all of his annoyances and issues with home teaching and how callings are given and how much time is unnecessarily taken away from family time on me, which I understand given the position he's in faith-wise and his past experiences. But I think he's overreacting because he doesn't want to make more of an effort (its really not that in depth of a calling anyway)

I know that my husbands attitude could use some help, but I don't know how to encourage him not to be offended or annoyed at all these things that stem from his own past issues and not from someone trying to offend.

Any help or encouragement would be really appreciated. I'm just really nervous that if he's pushed too hard in any of this stuff that he'll just lose the spiritual ground we've been working towards the past year (he's really headstrong). But I also think that if he continues to not participate that we'll lose ground as well .. 

While I am very sympathetic to faith crisis, there are some things that just outright annoy me . . .and IMO it is very indicative of our culture . . .the me,me,me generation.

While yes, 9pm is a little late, I'd actually try and think about it from the EQ perspective.  Most likely, he has a family, and has kids-most kids get put to bed around 8pm, so when is a better time for him? If he is a working man he probably gets home around 6pm, well then it's dinner time, then it's get the kids to bed time, then it's other time.  So while yes, 9pm isn't ideal for you, it might be a good time for him. A simple, no I can't do it at xyz time will suffice-he won't get upset, he'll have the attitude of okay when can it work? What more likely than not will frustrate him is when someone says yes to 9pm and then when he shows up your husband don't want him there anyways. For pete's sakes here is a man that took time out of his precious day, with his family, with his children, to try and serve his God the best way he knows how-your husband accepted the invitation yet then your husband has the gal to complain to the EQ president about home teaching taking time away from his family, and if I read it correctly you currently don't have any children (with 1 on the way)??? Please . . .

Home teaching is not a huge time sink . . .anybody who says it is is just a whiner. Typically you have maybe 3-5 families. A visit should be no more than 30 min. max 1 hour, plus drive time that is at most 3-4 hours a month.  You are telling me that out of ~720 hours in a month, that 3-4 hours to serve someone else who may need help is taking away from family time??? I don't think so. Home teaching can be difficult in the scheduling (simply trying to get 3 different people to agree to a single time can be difficult)- but it isn't a time sink.

I would encourage your husband to be more frank, if 9pm isn't going to work then say so. If he doesn't want to accept the calling then don't accept.  Which is worse, to accept the invitation then to have a bad attitude about it, not do what needs to be done leaving the EQ pres. in the lurch b/c someone has to pick up the slack to ensure the job gets done, or to not accept at all and move onto someone who will do the job? Now, I've had callings that I have begrudgingly accepted, but I do the job-I may not be able to "magnify my calling" b/c my heart isn't in it-but the job gets done.

Yes, your husband is overreacting and he needs a stern dose of reality-which is that life gets complicated, when you work for a living and as you grow you take on more and more responsibilities-those responsibilities cut into other time. It is absolutely critically important to have husband & wife time-but to get that time doesn't require 4 hours every day. In fact as life gets busy, it may be just an hour a day. That is just the nature of being a fully formed grown adult with responsibilities.

I get it he is probably young and doesn't see the "need" for Elder's Quorum. Well, tell that to all the people who have been served by EQ when the chips are down. Who is there to help the widow fix up her house to sell? Who is there to help mow the yard when the family is facing cancer? Who is there when a natural disaster hits? Your house burns down? hit by a tornado? For immediate response, I turn to my EQ and I give in kind. I have found that I have needed the EQ in my life more than I could have ever possibly given. It is a brotherhood and a community that should and does serve each other when it is most desperately needed.

It is a shame that he doesn't understand or see the purpose of it . . . .I hope one day he will.

 

[Jane_Doe]

About "Mormon" culture--

Culture is what you make it.  If you don't like people coming over to yourself, then don't have them over.  If crying during testimonies is not your thing, then don't do it.  If talking about Christ while playing hockey is your thing, then do that.  You don't have to fit a mold, nor should you try to.

[SilentOne]

8 hours ago, yjacket said:

Home teaching is not a huge time sink . . .anybody who says it is is just a whiner. Typically you have maybe 3-5 families. A visit should be no more than 30 min. max 1 hour, plus drive time that is at most 3-4 hours a month.  You are telling me that out of ~720 hours in a month, that 3-4 hours to serve someone else who may need help is taking away from family time??? I don't think so. Home teaching can be difficult in the scheduling (simply trying to get 3 different people to agree to a single time can be difficult)- but it isn't a time sink.

yjacket, I think you were confused about what the call is. Home teaching supervisor is a bit more involved than home teacher.

18 hours ago, Newmamma48 said:

The eqp was a little pushy about the calling (home teaching supervisor)

 

[yjacket]

2 hours ago, SilentOne said:

yjacket, I think you were confused about what the call is. Home teaching supervisor is a bit more involved than home teacher.

 

No, I'm not confused, I saw it.  

It isn't that much more involved. Home teaching supervisor simple collects the information and reports it to the EQP. Unless the quorum has 50 elders, he'll have at most 10-15 Elders to collect information from once a month.  That is easily taken care of by either a) passing around a sheet in EQ or b) sending out an e-mail blast to the people he supervises or c) giving them a phone call/ text.  Maybe that is another 1 hour -2 hours a month . . . big deal. It isn't something that must be done on a certain day-he can send out an e-mail or call whenever he gets a spare moment . . . a phone call on the way home from work doesn't cut into family time.

The worst thing that might be a time sink is if one of the families actually needed some help and he needed to coordinate with the EQP and the home teachers to provide it.  And oh the horror, it would actually be helping someone else out in their time of need!

If the guy was being called to be a youth leader, in scouts, some leadership position, etc.. I can see a minor complaint, being involved in the youth can involve at least 2+ hours a week right in the middle of the week, right during "family" time. But home teaching supervisor . . . that is not a hard, nor time consuming, nor labor intensive calling.

The guy is just complaining to complain, quite bluntly he needs to get over himself. I bet he spends more time watching movies, playing video games or any other type of recreation than he will with this calling.

And pushy is in the eye of the beholder, maybe the EQP said "hey I think this will be really good for you, we could really use the help". Is that pushy? or is that encouragement? We already know this brother has a bad attitude about the church, so anything the EQP says will be filtered through that lens. The EQPs intention might have been simply encouragement, this brother might have interpreted it as pushy . . .

Edited September 6, 2016 by yjacket

[Newmamma48]

4 hours ago, yjacket said:

No, I'm not confused, I saw it.  

It isn't that much more involved. Home teaching supervisor simple collects the information and reports it to the EQP. Unless the quorum has 50 elders, he'll have at most 10-15 Elders to collect information from once a month.  That is easily taken care of by either a) passing around a sheet in EQ or b) sending out an e-mail blast to the people he supervises or c) giving them a phone call/ text.  Maybe that is another 1 hour -2 hours a month . . . big deal. It isn't something that must be done on a certain day-he can send out an e-mail or call whenever he gets a spare moment . . . a phone call on the way home from work doesn't cut into family time.

The worst thing that might be a time sink is if one of the families actually needed some help and he needed to coordinate with the EQP and the home teachers to provide it.  And oh the horror, it would actually be helping someone else out in their time of need!

If the guy was being called to be a youth leader, in scouts, some leadership position, etc.. I can see a minor complaint, being involved in the youth can involve at least 2+ hours a week right in the middle of the week, right during "family" time. But home teaching supervisor . . . that is not a hard, nor time consuming, nor labor intensive calling.

The guy is just complaining to complain, quite bluntly he needs to get over himself. I bet he spends more time watching movies, playing video games or any other type of recreation than he will with this calling.

And pushy is in the eye of the beholder, maybe the EQP said "hey I think this will be really good for you, we could really use the help". Is that pushy? or is that encouragement? We already know this brother has a bad attitude about the church, so anything the EQP says will be filtered through that lens. The EQPs intention might have been simply encouragement, this brother might have interpreted it as pushy . . .

OK, I'm sorry, but I was asking for advice on what I can do to help guide his attitude to a better place. We don't play video games, don't have a lot of time to watch movies or TV together, he's a full time student and employee, and our extended family situation is very demanding. Please don't make assumptions like that, especially when I'm trying to figure out a way to help him. 

As for being pushy, neither of us were able to get a word in edgewise as the eqp talked about what my husband would be doing for half an hour and didn't ask if he would accept, he just assumed. 

I know that the calling isnt too demanding, but He's also coming back from a major trial of faith and, quite frankly, at this point I'm just really happy that he's coming to church with me without complaining too much. I know that he needs to get over himself on a few things but those things don't change overnight and I'm not going to force him into anything or make his decisions for him. He's got to do that for himself, and he's slowly making progress. 

With all of the issues and baggage that he's trying to deal with and overcome from past experiences, as his wife I'm trying to love him through it and help and guide him closer to the Lord in the ways that I can. So if you have advice for me in that context I'd love to hear it, but please don't throw down on my husband when you don't know the whole situation.

[NeuroTypical]

On 9/5/2016 at 8:15 AM, Newmamma48 said:

I know that my husbands attitude could use some help, but I don't know how to encourage him not to be offended or annoyed at all these things that stem from his own past issues and not from someone trying to offend.

Any help or encouragement would be really appreciated. I'm just really nervous that if he's pushed too hard in any of this stuff that he'll just lose the spiritual ground we've been working towards the past year (he's really headstrong). But I also think that if he continues to not participate that we'll lose ground as well .. 

I remember back in the day!  I had been inactive for 6 years, and had just barely come back into activity.  I remember being scared stiff that someone would ask me to do something, and I'd screw it up and ruin something.  They called me to teach teenagers - basically the biggest nightmare calling my poor introverted self could think of at the time.   For a while, the only thing that kept me going, was the notion that "This is either Christ's church or it isn't.  If it is, and I screw up despite doing my best, then that's on Him, not me, because it's not like I asked for this calling."  There are probably better ways to phrase that notion, but it got me through.

Other than that, just one other bit of advice.  I'm getting the notion that both of you need to learn how to speak your minds when necessary.  All this begrudging acceptance followed by complaining and struggling with being offended is a maturity issue, not an LDS issue.  You'll make it.  It takes time.  

[pam]

Once again putting on admin hat.  This particular forum is to help and encourage.  The rules of this forum are:

"In the quiet heart is hidden / Sorrow that the eye can't see." This Forum is to give encouragement and show compassion to those who are going through difficult times in relationships, with their testimony or with any other trial that they would like to have support from in a safe environment that offers the anonymity of the Internet.

No judgement, demeaning or derogatory posts allowed: "To the wounded and the weary / I would show a gentle heart." Focus on the positives, the pure love of Christ, and how we can rise above to overcome difficult times.

[yjacket]

6 hours ago, Newmamma48 said:

OK, I'm sorry, but I was asking for advice on what I can do to help guide his attitude to a better place. We don't play video games, don't have a lot of time to watch movies or TV together, he's a full time student and employee, and our extended family situation is very demanding. Please don't make assumptions like that, especially when I'm trying to figure out a way to help him. 

As for being pushy, neither of us were able to get a word in edgewise as the eqp talked about what my husband would be doing for half an hour and didn't ask if he would accept, he just assumed. 

I know that the calling isnt too demanding, but He's also coming back from a major trial of faith and, quite frankly, at this point I'm just really happy that he's coming to church with me without complaining too much. I know that he needs to get over himself on a few things but those things don't change overnight and I'm not going to force him into anything or make his decisions for him. He's got to do that for himself, and he's slowly making progress. 

With all of the issues and baggage that he's trying to deal with and overcome from past experiences, as his wife I'm trying to love him through it and help and guide him closer to the Lord in the ways that I can. So if you have advice for me in that context I'd love to hear it, but please don't throw down on my husband when you don't know the whole situation.

My apologies newmamma, I was being grouchy.  Being a full-time student and employee is very difficult-my fault in making assumptions.  I apologize.

I have been (and still am) the 40+ hour full-time work week +  student + raising multiple children + doing church callings.  It is difficult-it is hard,but not impossible and it has a lot of benefits. I'm glad he is coming back from a major trial of faith. As far as callings go-the EQP is probably thinking that this is a calling that a) doesn't require a huge amount of time and b) will allow him to get to know, interact with/bond with other priesthood men and their families-this is a really good thing for someone coming back from a crisis of faith! If he gets to know other Elders, he'll probably figure out he isn't the only one who has had their faith bubble busted.

I guess if I have any advice, it's that it is perfectly 100% okay to say no. Everyone knows their limits and if it's too much, then it's too much. If 9pm is too late, just say "No EQP it's too late-I'd love to chat but can we do it another time?". If he doesn't feel like he can handle the calling (or is going to grouse about it-then just say no-that is okay). If you are in a student ward then you are probably dealing with other individuals who haven't figured this stuff okay (that's okay), if you are not in a student ward, believe me the EQP-if he is any good- will say okay, I understand, what does work? I would also ask to give the EQP some slack-if he just assumed your husband would accept the calling then he didn't do it right, but remember this is also a learning experience for the EQP too.

I guess that is one thing that being a parent has made me-more direct. The best parents are those parents that are direct and to the point with their kids. You make a decision and then go with it. "No, Billy you cannot have that toy" not "well, Billy, I don't know you might get hurt with that . . . ."

I would simply support him in whatever decision he chooses for the calling-if he feels like he can't do it, or if he would complain about it all the time-then I would encourage him to simply say no, otherwise I'd tell him to suck it up and do the job :-).

I apologize for being harsh-I just don't know what else to say.

[Guest MormonGator]

4 minutes ago, yjacket said:

My apologies newmamma, I was being grouchy.  Being a full-time student and employee is very difficult-my fault in making assumptions.  I apologize.

I apologize for being harsh-I just don't know what else to say.

It takes a lot of strength to apologize. For what little it's worth, I'm proud of you, just as a brother.  It IS difficult being a full time student and full time employee. I've been there before and I was a overly tired and stressed during those times too. 

[yjacket]

4 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

It takes a lot of strength to apologize. For what little it's worth, I'm proud of you, just as a brother.  It IS difficult being a full time student and full time employee. I've been there before and I was a overly tired and stressed during those times too. 

Thank you gator . . .you're a good guy :-). Yeah . . .I do have my rough edges . . . but hopefully I have my good moments too :-)!

[pam]

1 hour ago, yjacket said:

  Being a full-time student and employee is very difficult-my fault in making assumptions.  I apologize.

 

Believe me I understand those schedules.  I work 2 jobs (1 full time/1 part time), I own a business which has been doing so well I can barely keep up and I'm going back to school next week.

[pam]

1 hour ago, yjacket said:

Thank you gator . . .you're a good guy :-). Yeah . . .I do have my rough edges . . . but hopefully I have my good moments too :-)!

You do have some good moments.

[ldsister]

I relate and sympathize, OP. Hubs is going through something very similar, and he's TWICE been called to his nightmare calling--teaching Primary. It's both exhausting AND boring. I can't think of a worse calling for him, and I wondered if he was going to call it quits on the whole religion when they called him the second time. Then I realized that it was not my problem. It's hard to view it that way since our lives are so affected by our spouses' lives, but honestly, I can't control my husband's choices, and I don't bear responsibility for it, so I let go of worrying about it. I have too much of my own improving to do to worry about my husband's testimony and attitude. I pray, read my scriptures, lead my family in study and prayer, and make sure that my relationship with my husband stays awesome. Whatever he's thinking or wondering about at the moment, it doesn't affect how much I love him, how much I enjoy him, or how much we laugh together and love each other. And I don't shut out his doubts or refuse to let him talk about it. I try to let him be honest about things that bother him or that he wonders about. 

I focus on *my* relationship with God and my relationship with my husband and trust that their relationship with each other will sort itself out. I can't control it anyway, and they're both better equipped to manage it than I am. I don't know if that helps, but I hope it does. 

[anatess2]

My advice to newmamma:  Focus on the positive.  Everytime your husband talks about the church - let him release the negatives out of his chest while you concentrate on refilling it with positives.

So, for example - there has been great advice here that says, yeah, 9pm is quite late to be visited by the EQP but it might be the only time the EQP can get outside of his house.  So, after the visit, your husband might be going on a negative-release of how frustrated he is that the EQP has to visit at 9pm... listen to him patiently but instead of saying, "yeah, he shouldn't be doing that." say, "yeah, it is late, isn't it?  But it could be that that's the only time the EQP has, especially since he has kids to take care of.".

Or when he gets a calling and he says, "I can't possibly do this calling!  I'm too busy for this!  I don't have faith in this! etc. etc.", listen to him patiently but instead of saying, "yeah, it can be such a difficult thing." say instead, "yeah, it can be difficult but I can't think of any other calling easier than a HT supervisor.  And you get a chance to focus on a few people to get to know while you slowly rebuild your faith, etc."

Make sense?