I have no desire to have sex

[Mormonmom]

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and we have four kids 4 and under one being a 8 month old baby that still gets up in the middle of the night. I love my husband and think he is attractive but I just have no desire to have sex it just makes me want to cringe. Most of the time he wakes me up in the middle of the night and that is how it ends up happening. The other night he wanted to do it so badly and I was like I am so tired I have to get up with the baby I just want to sleep right now. He got up with the baby  the next night and brought her to me to nurse ( such a sweet hubby) But now he is pissed and it has ruined our entire weekend. Now looking back I wish I would have just done it and we could have had a better weekend. But I hate that. Once it has happened I'm like k that was fun. When we first got married I couldn't get my hands off him. What happened? I have read some things that birth control can effect your libido but I'm only on the mini pill.  Also we don't hardly ever go on dates. So inconvenient to get a sitter for our littles. I'm sure that would be helpful. I just need some advice.  HELP! What do I do? I don't feel like I can talk to anyone because it is so personal. 

[NeedleinA]

Dear MormonMom, (if this is too long, jump to #5)

Here are a couple of thoughts from a MormonHusband that I hope might be at least semi-helpful to you in your situation. In no particular order:

1. It is interesting that you used "MormonMom". Why not "MormonWife" instead? With kids, it is interesting to see how much we can begin to identify as a Mom/Dad only and forget we are still a Wife or a Husband. 

2.  Also we don't hardly ever go on dates. So inconvenient to get a sitter for our littles: 
You should change this, period. You both deserve this special time out, together, alone. You both need alone, date time. Make it a priority OR the relationship distance/gap it will create will come back to bite you both and then you will be forced to make it an unpleasant priority. Set an exact time each week for date night. Pay a babysitter $20-$30 for 2-3hrs of date night. The mindset needs to be you are continuing to INVEST IN/DEVELOP/NURTURE your Marriage. Dress up, feel alive, step away from "Mom & Dad" mode for a little while and be "Wife & Husband". Again, think of all the other ways you could spend/use/waste $20 bucks, OR you could invest it in your Marriage instead. 

3. Being a Mom/Dad is an extremely noble/worthy/divine calling... but so is being a spouse to your eternal companion. You to him AND him to you. 

4. I just have no desire to have sex it just makes me want to cringe:  Why? What is cringe worthy about it? Poor timing? Sleepy/tired? Don't feel sexy? Bad breath? Too much work? Feels like a chore? No lead up to it, just down to business? Please share what makes it cringe worthy, this might help us in some suggestions. 

5.Once it has happened I'm like k that was fun. Great! Perhaps this not a libido issue, but rather a timing, in the mood issue. Here is a suggestion that I think works wonders, for both partners. Just like other activities on your calendar, schedule sex on your calendar. Not spontaneous like in the movies, so what. Scheduling your encounters can be extremely helpful for both of you.

Example: You prefer day time encounters since you are less tired. He prefers evening encounters. You set up schedule for twice a week. He selects Wednesday at 9:00pm after the kids are in bed. You select Saturdays at 1:00pm after lunch. You both agree on the frequency and times of the encounters and put it immovably on the calendar for 3 months straight. Never miss an appointment. 

Benefits: 
For You: You know exactly when it is going to happen and when it is not going to happen. You can prepare yourself mentally hours in advance to shift out of Mommy mode to Wife mode. It allows you time to think and prepare yourself in your mind so that you are ready and perhaps able to look forward to it. No unexpected encounters in the middle of the night. You get your sleep and so does he so he is not a grouch on the weekends. Your date, your time, your choice. 

For Him: He knows that twice a week he will be able to be with his wife. It is scheduled. He doesn't have to hope/wonder "IF" it is going to happen any longer. In his mind, he doesn't have to fight for it in the middle of the night either. 

Rules of this: Both agree on the frequency. Both agree on the times. Both stick to the calendar like clock work. If one of you breaks the agreement, the other one will most likely be hurt/"pissed". Try this for a while and I bet you will be wonderfully surprised at how well it works! If a special event like an anniversary comes up OR "you" (since you are the low-desire partner) are especially in the mood, go for it again. You can always add to it, but never take away from a scheduled day or substitute* for a scheduled day. *If one of you is super sick on a scheduled day, say out loud the alternative "make up" day & time. Frequency hasn't changed and both partners know out loud the replacement/alternative date. 

Good luck and welcome to MormonHub!

 

 

Edited September 19, 2016 by NeedleinA

[MrShorty]

After years in a sexless marriage, I have spent some time trying to understand some of the dynamics around libido and desire and such. Some thoughts:

1) There is a difference between "spontaneous" desire and "responsive" desire (first saw this from Michelle Weiner-Davis in The Sex-Starved Marriage if you are willing to look outside of the Church for thoughts). Some people (stereotypical men) feel spontaneous desire which leads to arousal. Some people are ":backwards" on this -- they experience arousal first, then the desire follows. If this could describe you, then perhaps adjust your thinking to better reflect how YOU experience desire and arousal.

2) It is always an interesting suggestion, because we talk so much in the Church about not thinking about sex, but I see some sex therapists who suggest that low desire spouses find ways to think about and anticipate sex. When the desire is not spontaneous, sometimes a man or woman needs to intentionally set aside energy and time to think about sex.

3) A lot of people resist the idea as "unromantic", but I see a lot of therapists suggest scheduled sex. Put it on the calendar like any other appointment or date night. When life gets busy, sometimes we need to prioritize the sexual relationship by calendaring it so that we know when it will happen. This often has the advantage of allowing you to anticipate it (see (2) ) and it can take pressure off your husband to initiate or take the uncertainty out of it (because he knows that every Tuesday night and Saturday Morning it will happen), and helps to carve out that time.

That's a start. I think it is good that you are trying to prioritize your sexual relationship, and wish you luck in figuring out what will work for you and your husband.

[Mormonmom]

Thank you guys! I really appreciate the advice I'm going to try some new things. And about putting mormonmom that is so funny I didn't even think about it. That is just what first came to my mind but you are right I'm a wife first. 

[pam]

4 minutes ago, Mormonmom said:

Thank you guys! I really appreciate the advice I'm going to try some new things. And about putting mormonmom that is so funny I didn't even think about it. That is just what first came to my mind but you are right I'm a wife first. 

Nothing wrong with the name Mormonmom.

[prisonchaplain]

Total outsider view, but from the original post, I got that you are very tired.  Exhaustion drains almost any desire.  Get rest.  Get hubby on board with your getting rest.  Let him know if you are feeling overwhelmed.  There should be no shame in it.  Hopefully, he'll even say something, "Oh wow...I didn't realize...no wonder you have not been so interested in..."  Once you get your schedule back to a sane level, then Mr. Shorty offered great suggestions. 

[Latter-Day Marriage]

21 hours ago, Mormonmom said:

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and we have four kids 4 and under one being a 8 month old baby that still gets up in the middle of the night. I love my husband and think he is attractive but I just have no desire to have sex it just makes me want to cringe. Most of the time he wakes me up in the middle of the night and that is how it ends up happening. The other night he wanted to do it so badly and I was like I am so tired I have to get up with the baby I just want to sleep right now. He got up with the baby  the next night and brought her to me to nurse ( such a sweet hubby) But now he is pissed and it has ruined our entire weekend. Now looking back I wish I would have just done it and we could have had a better weekend. But I hate that. Once it has happened I'm like k that was fun. When we first got married I couldn't get my hands off him. What happened? I have read some things that birth control can effect your libido but I'm only on the mini pill.  Also we don't hardly ever go on dates. So inconvenient to get a sitter for our littles. I'm sure that would be helpful. I just need some advice.  HELP! What do I do? I don't feel like I can talk to anyone because it is so personal. 

Even the mini-pill can affect libido, but if your husband is able to get you aroused in foreplay and satisfy you after that then what you need is just a willingness to participate, knowing that desire will come along after you get started.  If you are not having orgasms then that will make it harder for the two of you to have a good intimate life.  You may need to teach him better how to arouse and satisfy you, don't expect him to figure it out without input from you on what works and what doesn't. 

From the sounds of it there needs to be some communication between the two of you over how to manage the sexual side of the relationship.  You have needs that he needs to be considerate of just the same as he has needs you need to be considerate of.  If middle of the night sex is something that makes it harder for you to engage you can talk about that and look for alternatives.  He may be feeling sexually deprived, and so seeking out any chance he can for it.  One thing my wife and I found that helped when her energy and desire was low was that we had specific nights where it was previously agreed that we would do it, and that we would not do it the other nights.  When it was scheduled it wasn't an interruption for her, and for me I didn't have that scarcity mentality the comes from never knowing how long it will be before the next chance comes up.

Also, date night is important, and you can have it at home after the kids are asleep.  Watch a movie together, play board games, put on some music and dance, go through journals and photo albums remembering past good times, read a book together.  There might be another couple in the ward you can trade off date nigh babysitting with rather than pay money for it.

Lastly, I really, really encourage you to read this book:

https://www.amazon.com/They-Were-Not-Ashamed-Strengthening/dp/1587830345/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1474248251&sr=8-2&keywords=laura+brotherson

It is written for an LDS audience and it is excellent.  Direct and clear and complete while still be respectful and classy.  Reading  it together is best, and for a while reading it together was our date night, but if he doesn't want to read it on your own.

 

[ldsister]

What you're going through is utterly normal and healthy. Your body knows that you are not in a position to care for another child, so your body has shut down its reproductive drive. It sucks and is a total pain in the neck, but at least you know it's normal. 

Your husband got ticked because he was hoping that one time of watching the baby would "fix" you not wanting to have sex. This is because he knows nothing about female sexuality. (Its biggest influencer is LONG-TERM hours of sleep per night.) Men being clueless about female sexuality is also annoying and normal. lol.

You'll get through it. You might have to schedule a time to give him some sexual satisfaction on specific days. Not sexy, fun, or romantic, but it will keep him from getting grumpy.

Edited September 20, 2016 by ldsister

[anatess2]

Post-partum depression may also be at play here.

 

In any case... I find that thinking about sex as something I GIVE to my husband instead of I GET from my husband makes a ginormous difference.  My physical satisfaction becomes secondary to his because his satisfaction gives me that giddy feeling in my heart and a big smile on my face and it's all I need.  So, there are times when I really don't want to cook dinner, but I do it because the husband and kids are hungry.  I look at sex the same way... okay, okay, that sounded wierd.  Yes, cooking dinner is just sooo not the same as sex.  But hopefully you understood what I was getting at.

Edited September 20, 2016 by anatess2

[ldsister]

48 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

Post-partum depression may also be at play here.

 

In any case... I find that thinking about sex as something I GIVE to my husband instead of I GET from my husband makes a ginormous difference.  My physical satisfaction becomes secondary to his because his satisfaction gives me that giddy feeling in my heart and a big smile on my face and it's all I need.  So, there are times when I really don't want to cook dinner, but I do it because the husband and kids are hungry.  I look at sex the same way... okay, okay, that sounded wierd.  Yes, cooking dinner is just sooo not the same as sex.  But hopefully you understood what I was getting at.

It's a very appropriate analogy. Sometimes I think sex is romanticized and fetishized to such an extent that we don't look at it as something you do to take care of your relationship. It's a little like yardwork. It's not that you OWE it to your yard to mow and fertilize it, and no one has the right to make you feel guilty for not mowing and fertilizing your yard, but you do have to do those things if you want a healthy yard.  Same with sex. It may not always be fun, but it is necessary. 

[ldsister]

Regardless of what you decide, he does need to understand that waking up the mother of a baby when she's finally getting some sleep is never okay.

[NeedleinA]

33 minutes ago, ldsister said:

Regardless of what you decide, he does need to understand that waking up the mother of a baby when she's finally getting some sleep is never okay.

[classylady]

I'm a mother of seven children. I remember being so exhausted at night when I had my babies. I used to tell my husband "the best gift I could get would be 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep." And, when you have toddlers plus a nursing baby, by the end of the day when hubby gets home you're all "touched out". All day long the mother is holding  and comforting toddlers, they are climbing all over her, and then she is holding and nursing the baby,  I remember my husband asking me after he got home from work, "what have you done today?" And, I would tell him, "I nursed the baby, and then I nursed the baby some more, and then nursed the baby again." It seemed like that's all I did!  Being a mother with young children, plus a baby, is exhausting. And, with being "touched out", the last thing some women want is to be touched some more by their spouse.

Please communicate with you husband. I agree that if it's needed, then schedule a time for sex. It is important in your marriage. You are first and foremost a wife. One day the kids will finally be grown, and it's your spouse you will be living with and doing for. I'm in that category now. Though, I do have my youngest--22 years old still at home. It's such a wonderful time, now, to just be there for my husband. I'm grateful he was understanding all those years ago. But, I know he would have liked me to have been more in the mood.

[ldsister]

You do have my empathy and sympathy. I wish this was something people warned unmarried ladies about in advance. It can feel terribly isolating and sad and imprisoning to realize that your best friend and eternal companion is going to grump and snarl at you for something you have very little control over (lack of sexual desire). 

But do schedule a time to give him what he needs. You will both get frustrated if he tries to "perform" by "pleasing" you, because it's unlikely to happen. It will feel less invasive and violating if the event involves you touching him more than him touching you. Simply establish that this is something you will do at this time and place for the sake of your marriage, get it done, and get some sleep.

Edited September 20, 2016 by ldsister

[MrShorty]

1 hour ago, ldsister said:

You do have my empathy and sympathy. I wish this was something people warned unmarried ladies about in advance. It can feel terribly isolating and sad and imprisoning to realize that your best friend and eternal companion is going to grump and snarl at you for something you have very little control over (lack of sexual desire). 

But do schedule a time to give him what he needs. You will both get frustrated if he tries to "perform" by "pleasing" you, because it's unlikely to happen. It will feel less invasive and violating if the event involves you touching him more than him touching you. Simply establish that this is something you will do at this time and place for the sake of your marriage, get it done, and get some sleep.

I think this is fairly good, with this additional observation/caution. As the "high desire spouse" in a sexless marriage (to avoid the gender stereotypes that can permeate this discussion), I don't want years and years of pity sex or duty sex just to placate me, and discussions I see around this topic seem to suggest that other high drive spouses agree with me. In general, we higher drive spouses want our wives/husbands to enjoy and desire sex with us (in their own way). It is good to be intentional about sex and to prioritize it (even if that priority is not spontaneous), but make sure that you are also developing your own desire and  enjoyment so that it does not become another chore.

[Latter-Day Marriage]

5 hours ago, NeedleinA said:

Hey, why are you posting pictures of my wife here? 

[Latter-Day Marriage]

Another male / female quandary in the sex department.  The longer a man goes without an orgasm, the greater his desire for it, but with women the longer they go without an orgasm the less they desire it.  Sometimes the key for a woman to feeling more desire is to get in the habit of having more sex.

[Me too]

On 9/18/2016 at 4:38 PM, Mormonmom said:

Thank you guys! I really appreciate the advice I'm going to try some new things. And about putting mormonmom that is so funny I didn't even think about it. That is just what first came to my mind but you are right I'm a wife first. 

Mormonmom, 

 

On 9/18/2016 at 10:56 AM, MrShorty said:

After years in a sexless marriage, I have spent some time trying to understand some of the dynamics around libido and desire and such. Some thoughts:

1) There is a difference between "spontaneous" desire and "responsive" desire (first saw this from Michelle Weiner-Davis in The Sex-Starved Marriage if you are willing to look outside of the Church for thoughts). Some people (stereotypical men) feel spontaneous desire which leads to arousal. Some people are ":backwards" on this -- they experience arousal first, then the desire follows. If this could describe you, then perhaps adjust your thinking to better reflect how YOU experience desire and arousal.

2) It is always an interesting suggestion, because we talk so much in the Church about not thinking about sex, but I see some sex therapists who suggest that low desire spouses find ways to think about and anticipate sex. When the desire is not spontaneous, sometimes a man or woman needs to intentionally set aside energy and time to think about sex.

3) A lot of people resist the idea as "unromantic", but I see a lot of therapists suggest scheduled sex. Put it on the calendar like any other appointment or date night. When life gets busy, sometimes we need to prioritize the sexual relationship by calendaring it so that we know when it will happen. This often has the advantage of allowing you to anticipate it (see (2) ) and it can take pressure off your husband to initiate or take the uncertainty out of it (because he knows that every Tuesday night and Saturday Morning it will happen), and helps to carve out that time.

That's a start. I think it is good that you are trying to prioritize your sexual relationship, and wish you luck in figuring out what will work for you and your husband.

Mormonmom, or any mom for that matter.  If this advice was followed I can't tell you how happy your husband would be.  This is exactly what my wish list is for my marriage.