Advice on dealing with mean strangers

[Guest]

Hey everyone!

I need your advice.  I have been promoted from a research position to a position as a more hands-on attorney!  This is a very good opportunity for me.  I am mostly excited but also a little nervous.  

As part of my new responsibility, i am going to have to deal with some ugly, mean strangers.  I will be taking depositions, dealing with clients, negotiating settlements, and all kinds of stuff like that.  I am concerned about being too thin skinned in this position.  Frankly, behind my swagger, I am a bit of a softie on the inside.

So, i ask you: how do you react towards mean, aggressive, angry strangers?  What have you done to be thicker skinned?  Is there a right way to handle this stuff, or do you just kind of endure it?  Is DoctorLemon being a poster child for what is wrong with Millenials? (Not that I am a Millenial... being born in 1982 I claim Generation X!)

Any advice or criticism is appreciated!

Edited April 7, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[my two cents]

Kill em with kindness??

Oh and congrats on the promotion!

Edited April 7, 2017 by my two cents

[my two cents]

One other thought - What you think matters.  Go into these situations hopeful and project that to others.  Instead of telling yourself they're "ugly, mean" / "mean, aggressive, angry" - come up with a more positive take.

[Sunday21]

I have to deal with not very nice, lying scheming people a lot! I pray for strength, discernment and courage before I go to work and as I walk into the building! Bring on the millennium and go to the temple once a month. 

[zil]

Elder Eyring's two talks from this General Conference might be of help.  When you see things (and people) in the right perspective, it's easier to control yourself and know the right thing to do.  Beyond that, it seems like waiting in complete silence for them to finish venting or ranting or whatever (rather than getting into contention with them) might be wise.

Snarky comment: Watch more Law & Order?

[Guest]

22 minutes ago, zil said:

 

Snarky comment: Watch more Law & Order?

Oh, don't get me started on Law & Order!  Most inaccurate depiction of reality on Television (and yes, that includes Supergirl).

Edited April 7, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[Guest]

23 minutes ago, zil said:

 Beyond that, it seems like waiting in complete silence for them to finish venting or ranting or whatever (rather than getting into contention with them) might be wise.

 

I think there is some real wisdom in not reacting, because you remain in control of the situation.  I once heard we are at our weakest when we are angry.  My own personal experience shows that I am far more vulnerable to doing something I may regret when I am angry, from yelling at opposing counsel (which sets the tone for the litigation) to saying something mean to my wife.  Not getting angry in these types of situations is the hardest thing in the world to do, but I think it is the right way of handling almost every type of confrontation.

[askandanswer]

4 hours ago, Sunday21 said:

I have to deal with not very nice, lying scheming people a lot!  

Maybe you should spend less time on mormonhub.com  

(This is how to insult the whole forum in one short sentence. It's also a test for DoctorLemon to see how he deals with me.)

[Sunday21]

5 hours ago, askandanswer said:

Maybe you should spend less time on mormonhub.com  

(This is how to insult the whole forum in one short sentence. It's also a test for DoctorLemon to see how he deals with me.)

You know there are people living on this planet who would start an argument with themselves if everyone else walked away.

 I excuse that Gator person who no doubt is posting from a mental ward, poor soul. I imagine they undo his straight jacket once a day to allow him to post. Lady Gator is probably one of his nurses who is humouring the poor chap.

Edited April 7, 2017 by Sunday21

[Backroads]

I use this trick often with my students and with strangers, depending if I remember. It doesn't apply only to mean people, but it tends to put me in a right frame of mind.

Think of a compliment (with my students, I actually think "I love you" because they're little and generally cute). Don't say it, just think it during your interactions.

[NeuroTypical]

14 hours ago, DoctorLemon said:

So, i ask you: how do you react towards mean, aggressive, angry strangers?  

I've learned a lot about this recently.  Some wisdom:

- "Water off a duck's back" - learn it, live it, love it.  Basically, no matter how personal they try to make it, it only gets personal if you let it.  Their problems with you, doesn't mean you have to have a problem with them.  

- You don't need to fix things, or make them see things differently, or create the best outcome.  You just need to try to fix things, try showing them the way things are, and try to create the best outcome.  Know the difference between my first sentence and my second sentence, or you will be often frustrated.  "I tried to help this person, but she just wouldn't let me."  This may be your mantra on occasion.

- Figure out how to deal with people's entitlement mindset.  You will run into people who are personally offended at you, even though you've just gone above and beyond for them, because they're still not hearing what they want.  You can get frustrated with that, or you can see it as an opportunity to have a new dumb story to come tell us here.  

- I second zil's suggestion about trying to see people as God sees them, like Elder Eyring talked about in conference.  That said:

- Treat yourself to an occasional uncharitable fantasy.  One lady I work with has a coffee cup.  It says "not my circus, not my monkeys".  On the bottom of the cup is a hand with the middle finger raised.  She keeps it on her desk, and when she has an especially offensive client, she imagines herself taking a nice deep sip, and watching the person's face when they see the bottom of the cup.  That is an uncharitable fantasy.  Maybe a bit beneath you, but dang it will help you keep from matching the client's crap.  Just don't let it turn into reality.  God may forgive you for a less-than-optimal coping mechanism.  Your boss won't forgive your bad behavior so easily.

- At off times, bond with the other people in your office who are in the same situation.  Share stories, give and receive support.  This is a good time to let your love of your fellow man shine, for both co-workers and difficult clients.

Edited April 7, 2017 by NeuroTypical

[Guest]

8 hours ago, askandanswer said:

Maybe you should spend less time on mormonhub.com  

(This is how to insult the whole forum in one short sentence. It's also a test for DoctorLemon to see how he deals with me.)

Ever seen Mystery Men where Ben Stiller is jumping on top of the limousine because he is so furious?

That is how I am dealing with you!  

[NeuroTypical]

"The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire!"

There you go - uncharitable fantasy zen space achieved.  You are now Mr. Furious on the inside. 

"We struck down evil with the mighty sword of teamwork and the hammer of not-bickering."  There is a lot of wisdom in that movie for all of us.

Edited April 7, 2017 by NeuroTypical

[JohnsonJones]

20 hours ago, DoctorLemon said:

Hey everyone!

I need your advice.  I have been promoted from a research position to a position as a more hands-on attorney!  This is a very good opportunity for me.  I am mostly excited but also a little nervous.  

As part of my new responsibility, i am going to have to deal with some ugly, mean strangers.  I will be taking depositions, dealing with clients, negotiating settlements, and all kinds of stuff like that.  I am concerned about being too thin skinned in this position.  Frankly, behind my swagger, I am a bit of a softie on the inside.

So, i ask you: how do you react towards mean, aggressive, angry strangers?  What have you done to be thicker skinned?  Is there a right way to handle this stuff, or do you just kind of endure it?  Is DoctorLemon being a poster child for what is wrong with Millenials? (Not that I am a Millenial... being born in 1982 I claim Generation X!)

Any advice or criticism is appreciated!

What type of law are you in and dealing with.  This is MY thoughts, rather than much of anything else.

My experience is limited to contract and administrative law in dealing with individuals (and no, as I tell everyone, I'm a HISTORIAN, NOT a Lawyer.  Also, history is MUCH more fun).  I don't know how the partnership may be done at your office, so what I say may not be doable.

First, get a REALLY good secretary and paralegal.  Have them screen people. 

Next, if the individual seems really hostile, have a dedicated phone line (so that phone line can also receive all the telemarketers and items that you may get when those angry with you give out the number to whomever) where you can take a call from them instead of being in person if needed.  It is much easier to hang up (and vice versa for them) on the phone than it is to get away from a really angry person...in person.

Third, if it is a case where they should have a lawyer, communicate with their lawyer instead of dealing with them directly.  It helps both of you be on the same page more often (even if you are opposite sides of the table) with a common understanding of the terms and legal language.

Finally, remain calm.  Realize that almost every individual that is angry or mean are angry and mean at the system, their situation, or something other than you.  You just happen to be in the seat that they can currently see.  Stay objective and polite. 

Sometimes anger is because they do not understand something, in that instance, do your best to explain what is going on and what is happening and redirect blame where it belongs rather than on yourself.  If it is a client, they'll appreciate the effort you are doing if you can emphasize how you too struggle to help them through the system.  If it is on the opposite side of the table, even if they know you are not their friend in this instance, they can hopefully understand that you are doing this for the system, rather than against them personally.

If all else fails, do NOT stay in the same room as anyone who starts appearing like they are going to get physically aggressive.  Get up and leave.  Always have a way out.  A little time for heads to cool is a good thing.  If you start to feel heated or disturbed yourself, on the phone, in person, or otherwise, find some way to give yourself a 60 second break (at least).  Tell them you need to go out of the room for a second, or you need to do something really quick so you can take a deep breath, close your eyes for a second, recollect your thoughts, and then re-engage. 

I had one guy that I had to work with in regards to a contract that would call me at least one week to chew my ear out.  He had a good right to be angry as those I worked with constantly broke the contract.  It was a nightmare on both sides as I then had to assuage the angry individual's concerns, while at the same time trying to protect the interests of those I worked with in that contract from losing it, or other legal ramifications.  I absolutely hated his calls, and dealing with that particular agreement was painful.  Sometimes, you just have to remain calm and deal with it, because you are going to be the only one involved that is going to remain calm.  Sometimes things just happen like that, it's part and parcel of the job.  If you get angry, it will just make matters worse.  On the bright side, though the individual who was angry could swear like no one's business on the phone, in person they were EXTREMELY well behaved, cordial, and polite.  You'd never guess they were the same person.

Glad to hear about your promotion, I prefer research myself.  Congratulations on the new doors being opened and hope you enjoy the opportunities provided!

[Guest]

2 hours ago, JohnsonJones said:

What type of law are you in and dealing with.  This is MY thoughts, rather than much of anything else.

My experience is limited to contract and administrative law in dealing with individuals (and no, as I tell everyone, I'm a HISTORIAN, NOT a Lawyer.  Also, history is MUCH more fun).  I don't know how the partnership may be done at your office, so what I say may not be doable.

First, get a REALLY good secretary and paralegal.  Have them screen people. 

Next, if the individual seems really hostile, have a dedicated phone line (so that phone line can also receive all the telemarketers and items that you may get when those angry with you give out the number to whomever) where you can take a call from them instead of being in person if needed.  It is much easier to hang up (and vice versa for them) on the phone than it is to get away from a really angry person...in person.

Third, if it is a case where they should have a lawyer, communicate with their lawyer instead of dealing with them directly.  It helps both of you be on the same page more often (even if you are opposite sides of the table) with a common understanding of the terms and legal language.

Finally, remain calm.  Realize that almost every individual that is angry or mean are angry and mean at the system, their situation, or something other than you.  You just happen to be in the seat that they can currently see.  Stay objective and polite. 

Sometimes anger is because they do not understand something, in that instance, do your best to explain what is going on and what is happening and redirect blame where it belongs rather than on yourself.  If it is a client, they'll appreciate the effort you are doing if you can emphasize how you too struggle to help them through the system.  If it is on the opposite side of the table, even if they know you are not their friend in this instance, they can hopefully understand that you are doing this for the system, rather than against them personally.

If all else fails, do NOT stay in the same room as anyone who starts appearing like they are going to get physically aggressive.  Get up and leave.  Always have a way out.  A little time for heads to cool is a good thing.  If you start to feel heated or disturbed yourself, on the phone, in person, or otherwise, find some way to give yourself a 60 second break (at least).  Tell them you need to go out of the room for a second, or you need to do something really quick so you can take a deep breath, close your eyes for a second, recollect your thoughts, and then re-engage. 

I had one guy that I had to work with in regards to a contract that would call me at least one week to chew my ear out.  He had a good right to be angry as those I worked with constantly broke the contract.  It was a nightmare on both sides as I then had to assuage the angry individual's concerns, while at the same time trying to protect the interests of those I worked with in that contract from losing it, or other legal ramifications.  I absolutely hated his calls, and dealing with that particular agreement was painful.  Sometimes, you just have to remain calm and deal with it, because you are going to be the only one involved that is going to remain calm.  Sometimes things just happen like that, it's part and parcel of the job.  If you get angry, it will just make matters worse.  On the bright side, though the individual who was angry could swear like no one's business on the phone, in person they were EXTREMELY well behaved, cordial, and polite.  You'd never guess they were the same person.

Glad to hear about your promotion, I prefer research myself.  Congratulations on the new doors being opened and hope you enjoy the opportunities provided!

Yeah, I'm in litigation.  Also, I am not high enough in the company to turn down clients.  Basically, I have to take whatever gets thrown at me.

To be honest, such a position is probably for my eternal well being.  I have alluded in other threads to having had not such a great mission about fifteen years ago.  I was actually in one of those European door-knocking missions where you would often knock doors for ten straight hours in one day.  One of my biggest weaknesses on my mission was that I did not handle the constant rejection very well.  I often started to feel "kicked around", and that led to having unkind feelings (the opposite of charity), which I think limited my effectiveness when working with people, especially when knocking doors and making that first contact - I was often so self-absorbed, or even angry, that I did not expend the extra energy thinking of what the right thing would be to say to someone to get them to open up, or stop and listen.  I went through the entire two years and never really overcame this.  Now, it looks like I am going to have a second chance to overcome this weakness.

Edited April 8, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[yjacket]

23 hours ago, Sunday21 said:

I have to deal with not very nice, lying scheming people a lot! I pray for strength, discernment and courage before I go to work and as I walk into the building! Bring on the millennium and go to the temple once a month. 

Amen . . .one of those things that they don't teach in school that in some ways I wish I knew more about.  "How to play office politics ethically, while at the same time crushing your enemies who don't!!!" :-)

Major, major bubble bursting when you realize that even though you were brought up to be honest, have integrity, etc. when a lot of people around you don't.

[Sunday21]

53 minutes ago, yjacket said:

Amen . . .one of those things that they don't teach in school that in some ways I wish I knew more about.  "How to play office politics ethically, while at the same time crushing your enemies who don't!!!" :-)

Major, major bubble bursting when you realize that even though you were brought up to be honest, have integrity, etc. when a lot of people around you don't.

I wrestle with this 6 days a week!

[Guest]

22 hours ago, DoctorLemon said:

Oh, don't get me started on Law & Order!  Most inaccurate depiction of reality on Television (and yes, that includes Supergirl).

I know what you mean.  Sometimes I think Twilight Zone is a documentary.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, DoctorLemon said:

Yeah, I'm in litigation.  Also, I am not high enough in the company to turn down clients.  Basically, I have to take whatever gets thrown at me.

To be honest, such a position is probably for my eternal well being.  I have alluded in other threads to having had not such a great mission about fifteen years ago.  I was actually in one of those European door-knocking missions where you would often knock doors for ten straight hours in one day.  One of my biggest weaknesses on my mission was that I did not handle the constant rejection very well.  I often started to feel "kicked around", and that led to having unkind feelings (the opposite of charity), which I think limited my effectiveness when working with people, especially when knocking doors and making that first contact - I was often so self-absorbed, or even angry, that I did not expend the extra energy thinking of what the right thing would be to say to someone to get them to open up, or stop and listen.  I went through the entire two years and never really overcame this.  Now, it looks like I am going to have a second chance to overcome this weakness.

Read the 13 scrolls, dude.  A LOT!

I don't know, I'd say they've helped.  But they haven't cured me.  Can't hurt.

[Sunday21]

@DoctorLemon. I often find if I do not learn a lesson in one context, that I have to keep facing the lesson in other contexts. Groundhog Day!

[zil]

You need a fountain pen.  Yes.  With a nice wet, shading, and sheening ink.  And a large Rhodia dot pad.  Then, when the other folks go all mean, you can whip out your fountain pen, and gaze lovingly at the trail of wet ink it leaves behind, watching the little pool of ink following the nib around, and lean back and admire the shading, then pick up the notepad and angle it to the light to admire the sheen.  Yep.  The other folks will soon be dumbfounded, and stare at you all slack-jawed.  After a little silence, you can look up and say, "Oh, are you ready to proceed now?"

You don't need a vintage Waterman, nor to do this exactly, it just shows the ink moving and shading:

 

[Ironhold]

Make it clear to your loved ones that you'll need a bit of space at the end of each work day in order to wind down before you can be the person you should be. 

Even if all you do is take a half hour nap. 

[Sunday21]

22 hours ago, Backroads said:

I use this trick often with my students and with strangers, depending if I remember. It doesn't apply only to mean people, but it tends to put me in a right frame of mind.

Think of a compliment (with my students, I actually think "I love you" because they're little and generally cute). Don't say it, just think it during your interactions.

Excellent advice!

[mordorbund]

On 4/6/2017 at 9:32 PM, Sunday21 said:

I have to deal with not very nice, lying scheming people a lot! I pray for strength, discernment and courage before I go to work and as I walk into the building! Bring on the millennium and go to the temple once a month. 

In CANADA?!?!?!

[Sunday21]

Just now, mordorbund said:

In CANADA?!?!?!

Ever met a Mormon who was a jerk? Same principle! Right now there is a married man who keeps trying to sit next to me in teacher training, microscopic room, so that he can rub himself up against me.. in church! I emailed the bishop so they don't give him a calling with young people or kids. Tiny ward..ugh.