mrs_teevee

Trying to salvage what's left of my marriage

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I recently just found out that my husband & eternal companion was cheating on me. We've been married for 3 years, have 2 beautiful children; a 2 year old daughter and a 1 year old son. We've been married for 3.5 years and sealed for almost 2 years.

We didn't marry in the temple because I was not yet a member. But after having my daughter and being 6 months pregnant with my son, my husband started his 'evil doings.'

He created a new facebook page for himself (we had a shared fb page) and started to add girls. After they accepted, he would instantly PM them with very flirtatious messages. This flirting business was ongoing for almost 18 months.

Just last month, he asked me if he could go to a social with his cousins. I said 'yes' because I trusted him and I trusted his cousins. At the social, was one of the married sisters who we had previously been in the same ward. This sister was much older than my husband by at least 20 years and had sons the same age as my husband. In fact, her sons were very close friends with my husband. That night, my husband and this sister began their sexual affair. From what I can gather, they only went to 1st & 2nd base. A couple of days later they met up again after my husband had finished work, at their 'usual spot' in the carpark of the local swimming pool. Again they went 1st & 2nd base. They met up again days later, doing the exact same things at the exact same spot.

My husband then went interstate just at the beginning of this month, for a sporting tournament he had asked me if he could go watch with his foster brother. Of course I didn't like the idea of him going, but my husband is not one to usually listen to me. So off he went interstate, leaving Friday night & returning Sunday night. My husband and his brother were supposed to be staying at a close friend of his (known each other for 7 years) but that was not the case. Two weeks before he left interstate, my husband met a young girl who lived in that city. They began to talk and flirt. Him telling her that things between us were 'complicated' and that we were no longer together and that he hardly sees the children because we've moved away. So he asked her if he could come stay there with her and she said yes. My husband had left me and the kids to go interstate where he was supposed to be watching a sports tournament but was instead having sexual relations and breaking word of wisdom. He returned home to me & the kids and acted as if everything was normal and for me, I thought everything was normal.

It wasn't until this past weekend, we were in bed; he was sleeping and I was preparing my lesson for church the next day. I looked at his phone and starting to go through this phone. I found the app 'snapchat' and thought 'why does he have snapchat? He didn't say anything about having it.' But what made me suspicious was that he had hidden the app with all the sports apps, thinking I'd never find it. I opened his snapchat account and found numerous messages between him and girls, but that's how I found out about the 'interstate chick.' 

I immediately woke him up, demanding an explanation. He just looked at me puzzled and scared; scared because he had just been caught. I cried all night, pleading with Heavenly Father to take away my hurt & pain. In the morning, I continued my search on his phone; where I found the new fb & instagram accounts. This is where I learnt of the affair with the old married sister. I was ready to walk out on this marriage. I was ready to take my babies and never look back.

But after countless hours of council from my husbands parents & sister (who are very strong members) I finally stopped packing. I had decided to give him a second chance.

Am I doing the right thing? I'm a convert to the church and I know a temple sealing is something sacred and should not be 'cancelled' unless under certain circumstances.

My  husband promised that he would change - try to be a better father, husband, priesthood holder. However I haven't seen any effort?

I've changed all the passwords to his social network and deactivated all accounts, including our shared page. 

I can't help but think that I've made a huge mistake giving him a second chance.. I'm just trying to salvage whatever is left of my marriage?

 

From one very heartbroken wife..

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@mrs_teevee, I'm so sorry for the pain you're enduring.  The only advice I can give you is that you need to involve your bishop in this process if you haven't already.  He has the keys you and your husband need to get through this.  I'll say a prayer for you and your family.

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If you decide to give him a second chance you both need to see a MFT and find out the root cause for this rift in your marriage.  If you do not see someone, a professional, and seek help you cannot fix your marriage.

Your husband should visit with the bishop he has committed grievous sins and needs to be accountable to a judge in Israel.  

If you left him no one would (or should) think less of you.  He did terrible things he is deserving of being left, you need to protect yourself and your children.

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54 minutes ago, mrs_teevee said:

I recently just found out that my husband & eternal companion was cheating on me. We've been married for 3 years, have 2 beautiful children; a 2 year old daughter and a 1 year old son. We've been married for 3.5 years and sealed for almost 2 years.

We didn't marry in the temple because I was not yet a member. But after having my daughter and being 6 months pregnant with my son, my husband started his 'evil doings.'

He created a new facebook page for himself (we had a shared fb page) and started to add girls. After they accepted, he would instantly PM them with very flirtatious messages. This flirting business was ongoing for almost 18 months.

Just last month, he asked me if he could go to a social with his cousins. I said 'yes' because I trusted him and I trusted his cousins. At the social, was one of the married sisters who we had previously been in the same ward. This sister was much older than my husband by at least 20 years and had sons the same age as my husband. In fact, her sons were very close friends with my husband. That night, my husband and this sister began their sexual affair. From what I can gather, they only went to 1st & 2nd base. A couple of days later they met up again after my husband had finished work, at their 'usual spot' in the carpark of the local swimming pool. Again they went 1st & 2nd base. They met up again days later, doing the exact same things at the exact same spot.

My husband then went interstate just at the beginning of this month, for a sporting tournament he had asked me if he could go watch with his foster brother. Of course I didn't like the idea of him going, but my husband is not one to usually listen to me. So off he went interstate, leaving Friday night & returning Sunday night. My husband and his brother were supposed to be staying at a close friend of his (known each other for 7 years) but that was not the case. Two weeks before he left interstate, my husband met a young girl who lived in that city. They began to talk and flirt. Him telling her that things between us were 'complicated' and that we were no longer together and that he hardly sees the children because we've moved away. So he asked her if he could come stay there with her and she said yes. My husband had left me and the kids to go interstate where he was supposed to be watching a sports tournament but was instead having sexual relations and breaking word of wisdom. He returned home to me & the kids and acted as if everything was normal and for me, I thought everything was normal.

It wasn't until this past weekend, we were in bed; he was sleeping and I was preparing my lesson for church the next day. I looked at his phone and starting to go through this phone. I found the app 'snapchat' and thought 'why does he have snapchat? He didn't say anything about having it.' But what made me suspicious was that he had hidden the app with all the sports apps, thinking I'd never find it. I opened his snapchat account and found numerous messages between him and girls, but that's how I found out about the 'interstate chick.' 

I immediately woke him up, demanding an explanation. He just looked at me puzzled and scared; scared because he had just been caught. I cried all night, pleading with Heavenly Father to take away my hurt & pain. In the morning, I continued my search on his phone; where I found the new fb & instagram accounts. This is where I learnt of the affair with the old married sister. I was ready to walk out on this marriage. I was ready to take my babies and never look back.

But after countless hours of council from my husbands parents & sister (who are very strong members) I finally stopped packing. I had decided to give him a second chance.

Am I doing the right thing? I'm a convert to the church and I know a temple sealing is something sacred and should not be 'cancelled' unless under certain circumstances.

My  husband promised that he would change - try to be a better father, husband, priesthood holder. However I haven't seen any effort?

I've changed all the passwords to his social network and deactivated all accounts, including our shared page. 

I can't help but think that I've made a huge mistake giving him a second chance.. I'm just trying to salvage whatever is left of my marriage?

 

From one very heartbroken wife..

I want to commend you for your courage and bravery in a very, very difficult situation.  It really says something about you that you are open to even considering giving your husband a second chance.  

Definitely pray, fast, go to the temple, and talk to the bishop about it to make sure you are doing the right thing (and for strength).  Your bishop can be invaluable at a time like this.  I may not be able to give you an answer regarding whether giving your husband a second chance is the right choice or not, but the Lord can, and your bishop can receive inspiration from the Lord to help steer you in the right direction.

Good luck!

Edited by DoctorLemon

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1 hour ago, mrs_teevee said:

But after countless hours of council from my husbands parents & sister (who are very strong members) I finally stopped packing. I had decided to give him a second chance.

Anybody else's first thought that not wanting him back might be higher on their motive list than respect for the sanctity of marriage?

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One of the problems when advising on a question like this is we really don't know the husband well enough to have any idea why he did the things he did.  It also doesn't help that we are not entitled to receive revelation for the OP.

From my perspective, the husband's acts look erratic, to say the least.  Maybe even crazy.

It could be that the husband had some weird total moral failure and will repent and be an upstanding member of the Church.  Sometimes, basically good people make a series of really bad choices for whatever reason, then they come to their senses, repent, and never again have problems.  

It could also be that the husband is crazy, or has some buried sexual addiction, and will keep on sinning and, in the process, deeply hurt OP.  

We really don't know.  And, to some extent or another, OP doesn't know, either.

However, the Lord does know what is in the husband's heart, and whether this is just some kind of one-off moral failure that the husband can conquer, if the OP's marriage is fixable or not, or if OP needs to run for the hills.  

This is why it is so, so important for OP to discuss the situation with the bishop before making any decisions.  We can't advise as to whether staying is the right choice.  However, there are two people who can advise: OP (through the use of the Spirit), and OP's bishop (who is entitled to receive revelation in situations like these).

@mrs_teevee please do yourself a favor and discuss this whole situation with the bishop.  If anyone can help you, he can!

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@mrs_teevee, your husband is in danger.  Not only is he in mortal danger, what's even worse is he is in dire spiritual danger.  You promised God you will love this man.  You promised that you will bring him closer to Christ.  I'm going to call you up on that promise.  Yes, protect yourself and your children.  But please, save your husband from eternal damnation.

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14 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

 But please, save your husband from eternal damnation.

What if he drags her along with him?  I've seen too many women stay in these kinds of situations until their own souls wither into cynicism and unbelief.

Rebuilding after adultery is a nice trick--if you can do it.  I don't know that there's a cookie-cutter answer for every situation, though.

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4 minutes ago, Just_A_Guy said:

What if he drags her along with him?  I've seen too many women stay in these kinds of situations until their own souls wither into cynicism and unbelief.

Rebuilding after adultery is a nice trick--if you can do it.  I don't know that there's a cookie-cutter answer for every situation, though.

Then she's not protecting herself.

2nd Commandment:  Love others as yourself.  In this case, the husband.  I've said this many times on lds.net.  If I wake up tomorrow to find out my husband is a serial killer then, of course, I'm going to send him to jail and keep him away from me and my children because I have to love myself and staying with him will put myself in danger of getting farther from Christ.  But, that doesn't mean I'm washing my hands off of him.  No.  My promise to God remains and I will still do everything in my power to help him repent and get him closer to Christ - the objective is for both of us to get there.  Not - he gets there while I get lost, and not - I get there and he gets lost.

Edited by anatess2

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My heart hurts for you.  My heart hurts for your husband as well.  You both need to see some good counselors, he specifically need to see a good specialized CSAT therapist.  People don't just run off and have affairs...its a progressive thing. There are other problems that need to be addressed.  Your Heavenly Father will guide you. 

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1 hour ago, workingonit said:

My heart hurts for you.  My heart hurts for your husband as well.  You both need to see some good counselors, he specifically need to see a good specialized CSAT therapist.  People don't just run off and have affairs...its a progressive thing. There are other problems that need to be addressed.  Your Heavenly Father will guide you. 

Jumping the gun on sexual addiction aren't you?  I mean he is a guy and guys like sex it does not make him a sex addict. 

Lots of good advice given here, keep in mind that "in general" your bishop will not advise you to leave your husband.

I would see in this order these 3 people

1. Your bishop

2. A good attorney 

3. A MFT

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12 minutes ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

Jumping the gun on sexual addiction aren't you?  I mean he is a guy and guys like sex it does not make him a sex addict. 

 

I think there is a very high chance that he is an addict of something...sex, pornography, masturbation, something.  Normal healthy people do not do what he has done.  Specialized therapy can save lots of time, money and heartache. 

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3 minutes ago, workingonit said:

I think there is a very high chance that he is an addict of something...sex, pornography, masturbation, something.  Normal healthy people do not do what he has done.  Specialized therapy can save lots of time, money and heartache. 

Well I'll disagree with you.  I would not jump to that conclusion.  They both need to see a MFT and determine the root cause of the problem.  He may be a sex addict but I wouldn't jump to that conclusion based off of one post by the OP.

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My condolences in going through this absolutely horrific experience.  

Whether you know it or not, in effect your husband and you are already divorced-yes you might still have a piece of paper and a sealing-but in his heart he divorced you.  My guess is that prior to this acting out he had already divorced from you in his heart . . .and you might have also done the same and possibly unknowingly.

I don't know this is the case, but it is something to think about.  For some reason in today's society, once children come along women are expected to become mother's first and foremost and everything they do centers around and revolves around the children. If they don't do everything and anything they can for their children they are a "bad mom" and no woman wants to have the thought of being a "bad mom".  So what inevitably happens in many families is that as soon as children come along the husband takes a backseat to the children.  He is expected to play second fiddle with the woman he married to his children.  This is so completely backwards it's utterly stunning that people buy into this myth.  Children are and should be appendages to the marriage not the marriage focus itself.  

Since both men and women in today's society come into marriage without a dang clue as to what it actually means to be married (mainly b/c cultural messages of marriage are so completely messed up), it is no wonder why men seek the arms of another woman outside marriage, it's not wonder why women feel overwhelmed and completely stressed out at the thought of raising 1 or 2 children! Heaven's to Betsy our grandparents raised 6-7+ in a much less convenient society, yet we can't handle one or two. 

Married today simply means well you don't mess around with other people and that's really about it-when it goes so, so much more beyond that. The proper attitude for both parties is to work together, to strengthen each other, to work together as a team to build something bigger than each person individually. To know that the most important person on this earth is their spouse, whatever their strengths and weaknesses. To know that the marriage existed before children, to know that the most important thing you can teach your children is that mom&dad love each other and that 1st and foremost they are husband&wife, and to know that when the children are gone husband&wife will remain.

Now your husband certainly did somethings that are worthy of excommunication and worthy of divorce. Does that mean he will be excommunicated or that you should get a divorce, maybe-maybe not. I would caution against doing anything rash, but certainly the answer to the question of a legal divorce can only come from God. A lot of that really depends on how penitent he truly is and how he approaches this.  

The Bishop needs to be made aware of this physical affair with this other church member and your husband and certainly go to your Bishop for counseling regarding this issue; but remember your husband's sins are not your sins. You cannot control your husband like a little child.  Unfortunately in today's society we see too much of this controlling aspect out of spouses and it doesn't lead anywhere good. I would not deactivate his accounts for him nor delete them.  If he isn't penitent-he'll just create additional ones later on and then you'll always be wondering well did he create another one or did he not.  And in fact you controlling the situation will simply make him more resentful towards you. If you leave them up, then more likely than not if he returned to his activity he would do it on the same account and it will be easier for you to find this stuff out. If you leave them up and he out of his own volition decides to take them down, then he is recognizing his own problem, taking ownership of it and working to resolve it.

It's like porn filters; they are good for ensuring that kids and innocents don't find their way into something bad; but for someone who is already on it they will find away around it b/c they aren't taking ownership of the problem, someone else is and until they take ownership of the problem and fix it themselves they will always find a way around.

Take this as an opportunity for some real introspection on marriage, what you want it to look like and how it can look better; Have you set more of your energies towards work, career, children over you husband? Have you been too controlling? How have you tried to become one with your husband in the past? How can you do better in the future?

I can't say this strongly enough-nothing you have done in the past regarding your marriage excuses his behavior nor gives him the right to do what he did.  His sins are his own and he must fully repent of them.  

He will need the Atonement of Jesus Christ now more than ever before in his life.  And by the same token you will need the power of the Atonement now more than ever. Not to repent of sins, but to forgive. Forgiveness does not mean consequences are not attached to the sin (i.e. you may end up divorced), but forgiveness does mean that the hurt, bitterness, and anger are taken away.

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@mrs_teevee,

I'll let you know that my gut reaction to this was that if I were your father, that man should literally thank the Lord that I am LDS, or... well... let's not get into what I'd do.

But, I'm not your father.  And I am LDS.  This means that I understand that there are eternal consequences to every decision we make.  Yours is certainly a difficult one.  My prayers go out to you.  May God grant you time to heal, and the presence of mind to hear His voice and will concerning this matter.  I'm afraid no one on this board can really give you good advice except that it must be between you and the Lord with the advice of wise people who are close to you.

We love you, and we'll pray for you.

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10 hours ago, mrs_teevee said:

I recently just found out that my husband & eternal companion was cheating on me. We've been married for 3 years, have 2 beautiful children; a 2 year old daughter and a 1 year old son. We've been married for 3.5 years and sealed for almost 2 years.

We didn't marry in the temple because I was not yet a member. But after having my daughter and being 6 months pregnant with my son, my husband started his 'evil doings.'

He created a new facebook page for himself (we had a shared fb page) and started to add girls. After they accepted, he would instantly PM them with very flirtatious messages. This flirting business was ongoing for almost 18 months.

Just last month, he asked me if he could go to a social with his cousins. I said 'yes' because I trusted him and I trusted his cousins. At the social, was one of the married sisters who we had previously been in the same ward. This sister was much older than my husband by at least 20 years and had sons the same age as my husband. In fact, her sons were very close friends with my husband. That night, my husband and this sister began their sexual affair. From what I can gather, they only went to 1st & 2nd base. A couple of days later they met up again after my husband had finished work, at their 'usual spot' in the carpark of the local swimming pool. Again they went 1st & 2nd base. They met up again days later, doing the exact same things at the exact same spot.

My husband then went interstate just at the beginning of this month, for a sporting tournament he had asked me if he could go watch with his foster brother. Of course I didn't like the idea of him going, but my husband is not one to usually listen to me. So off he went interstate, leaving Friday night & returning Sunday night. My husband and his brother were supposed to be staying at a close friend of his (known each other for 7 years) but that was not the case. Two weeks before he left interstate, my husband met a young girl who lived in that city. They began to talk and flirt. Him telling her that things between us were 'complicated' and that we were no longer together and that he hardly sees the children because we've moved away. So he asked her if he could come stay there with her and she said yes. My husband had left me and the kids to go interstate where he was supposed to be watching a sports tournament but was instead having sexual relations and breaking word of wisdom. He returned home to me & the kids and acted as if everything was normal and for me, I thought everything was normal.

It wasn't until this past weekend, we were in bed; he was sleeping and I was preparing my lesson for church the next day. I looked at his phone and starting to go through this phone. I found the app 'snapchat' and thought 'why does he have snapchat? He didn't say anything about having it.' But what made me suspicious was that he had hidden the app with all the sports apps, thinking I'd never find it. I opened his snapchat account and found numerous messages between him and girls, but that's how I found out about the 'interstate chick.' 

I immediately woke him up, demanding an explanation. He just looked at me puzzled and scared; scared because he had just been caught. I cried all night, pleading with Heavenly Father to take away my hurt & pain. In the morning, I continued my search on his phone; where I found the new fb & instagram accounts. This is where I learnt of the affair with the old married sister. I was ready to walk out on this marriage. I was ready to take my babies and never look back.

But after countless hours of council from my husbands parents & sister (who are very strong members) I finally stopped packing. I had decided to give him a second chance.

Am I doing the right thing? I'm a convert to the church and I know a temple sealing is something sacred and should not be 'cancelled' unless under certain circumstances.

My  husband promised that he would change - try to be a better father, husband, priesthood holder. However I haven't seen any effort?

I've changed all the passwords to his social network and deactivated all accounts, including our shared page. 

I can't help but think that I've made a huge mistake giving him a second chance.. I'm just trying to salvage whatever is left of my marriage?

 

From one very heartbroken wife..

First off,  this didn't come on "suddenly." It's been building a long time.   Secondly,  I can almost guarantee you that he's into pornography.  He displays all the signs. I know since I was addicted to the filth for 47 years.  I just didn't have sexual relations outside of marriage. He can change if he wants to, but he must change for the right reasons.   Otherwise,  he will continue to have problems.  It can be overcome;  I know because I'm completely clean and have a strong marriage.  However,  you need to be prepared for some serious shocks and pain.  His bishop needs to know everything if your husband hopes to overcome this.  If he's serious about saving the marriage, and changing,  he will need your help.  It will be a long, tough road, but it can be done. 

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Dear @mrs_teevee, As others have mentioned, of course you need to see the bishop, and as mentioned the bishop is not allowed to counsel you to divorce and nor is the Relief Society President even if they are bursting to do so..so don't be surprised when they seem rather quiet at times..they may be biting their tongues hard. Good luck. We are praying for you!

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I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I know it would be nice to have somebody tell you exactly what you should do, but none of us here can do more than give you our thoughts for you to consider.  You'll have to make your own choice.

Given what he has done, you would be justified in leaving him and ending the marriage, but that doesn't mean it is the right thing to do for you, for him, or for the kids.  Staying because of pressure from other family members is not IMHO a good reason to stay and won't last if that is all there is.  A good reason to stay would be having confirmation from the Lord that it is the right thing to do at this time (so pray and ask if you should stay and work it out).  If it is the best thing for the kids for you to stay and work it out, that is a good reason to stay too.  If he is truly repentant and serous about fixing what he broke, that is a good reason to stay.

Keep in mind though that forgiving somebody is only letting go of the anger and negative emotions you have over their actions, it doesn't mean you have to pretend like it never happened, you just don't take it out on them.  Reconciliation of the relationship and restoring it to it's better state requires that he truly repent and earn back your love and trust.  He didn't confess to you out of a guilty conscience, he got caught red handed and that puts a bit of a cloud over his motives but it doesn't make it impossible. 

The burden is on him to make this right between you as much as possible.  He needs to make a full confession of all his wrongs against you, including the ones you don't yet know about.  He needs to feel, and you need to see it, that he feels a pain and regret that matches the depth of hurt you feel.  He needs to make up for it as best he can and make real efforts to repair the marriage and change what needs to be changed to prevent this happening again.  He needs to see his Bishop and confess and accept the consequences, go to marriage counseling, cut off all contact with these other women, close social media accounts, and give you the right to check his computer, phone etc. anytime you want for violations.  He needs to ask for your forgiveness knowing that he doesn't deserve it, and understanding that he is forever in your debt for not leaving him.

While it is probably hard to imagine right now, it is possible that  the two of you could come out of this with a stronger marriage than you ever had before.  Real repentance can transform him into a man who would never do such a thing, and the power of the atonement can heal your pain and his.  Consider Luke 7:36-50, the woman in the story was guilty of many sins, but she truely repented and was truly forgiven which created a bond of love between her and her Savior.  The same kind of thing is possible with your husband and you if there is real repentance and real forgiveness.  I can bind your hearts together like never before.  I can't promise that will be the outcome for you, it depends on both of you doing your part to make it happen.  I pray it works out for you.

Edited by Latter-Day Marriage

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5 hours ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

Keep in mind though that forgiving somebody is only letting go of the anger and negative emotions you have over their actions, it doesn't mean you have to pretend like it never happened, you just don't take it out on them. 

I will point out that true full forgiveness doesn't quite work like that. https://www.lds.org/youth/video/forgive-and-forget?lang=eng

The Lord "remembers no more" our own sins and we are required to do the same with our fellow brothers and sisters. In a marriage this can take time-but if a marriage is to survive this the offended party much eventually forget this grievous sin. The first step is to let the anger, hurt, pain go.  But eventually one must forget this sin took place.

A marriage cannot survive if in 5 years time every time the spouse goes on a business trip she is wondering if he is messing around.  Or if when they get into an argument in the back of her head she is thinking-"you scumball, you cheated on me and I forgave you/stayed with you, you don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to xyz".

I'm not saying that forgetting has to occur immediately as it will take time; but if it doesn't occur the marriage will continue to be broken. It is one of the reasons why divorce is justified in cases of adultery; marriage is built on the ability to forgive and forget your spouses trespasses.  And for most people forgetting that your spouse committed adultery is a very large task. If in one's heart the only way to forget and forgive the adultery is to divorce-then as much as it pains me to say it divorce is probably the better option. Again IMO it is one of the reasons why Jesus said adultery is an acceptable reason for divorce.

It's where I personally decided a long time ago that heaven-forbid my spouse ever does this to me, I will forgive and I will forget the 1st offense.  The scriptures say that a man returning to sin is as a "dog returning to his vomit", the 2nd time I will forgive and forget without their presence in my life.

Edited by yjacket

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Thank you all so much for your words of kindness, wisdom and truth. I most definitely will take on board all of what you have said.

As of right now, I will continue to pray, fast and feast upon the scriptures. I know my Heavenly Father loves me and wouldn't put me through this trial if He didn't think I could not overcome it.

Thank you all again and pray our good Lord continues to bless you all abundantly.

 

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2 hours ago, yjacket said:

I will point out that true full forgiveness doesn't quite work like that. https://www.lds.org/youth/video/forgive-and-forget?lang=eng

The Lord "remembers no more" our own sins and we are required to do the same with our fellow brothers and sisters. In a marriage this can take time-but if a marriage is to survive this the offended party much eventually forget this grievous sin. The first step is to let the anger, hurt, pain go.  But eventually one must forget this sin took place.

A marriage cannot survive if in 5 years time every time the spouse goes on a business trip she is wondering if he is messing around.  Or if when they get into an argument in the back of her head she is thinking-"you scumball, you cheated on me and I forgave you/stayed with you, you don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to xyz".

I'm not saying that forgetting has to occur immediately as it will take time; but if it doesn't occur the marriage will continue to be broken. It is one of the reasons why divorce is justified in cases of adultery; marriage is built on the ability to forgive and forget your spouses trespasses.  And for most people forgetting that your spouse committed adultery is a very large task. If in one's heart the only way to forget and forgive the adultery is to divorce-then as much as it pains me to say it divorce is probably the better option. Again IMO it is one of the reasons why Jesus said adultery is an acceptable reason for divorce.

It's where I personally decided a long time ago that heaven-forbid my spouse ever does this to me, I will forgive and I will forget the 1st offense.  The scriptures say that a man returning to sin is as a "dog returning to his vomit", the 2nd time I will forgive and forget without their presence in my life.

There is forgiveness and then there is reconciliation, don't lump them in as one thing. A person who is wronged can choose to forgive if the offender repents or not, but reconciliation can only happen when there is both forgiveness by the offended and real repentance by the offender.

There is also a difference between divine forgiveness and mortal forgiveness.  Divine forgiveness comes only on condition of repentance, and when received it absolves us of the stain of sin.  God 'renumbers them no more' only after somebody has truly repented.  Divine forgiveness includes both forgiveness and reconciliation.  We mortals however are commanded to forgive whether the person repents or not, and our forgiveness doesn't absolve them of their guilt.  When somebody has not repented, neither God or us should pretend it never happened.

Nobody has a right to our love and to our trust, nobody has a right to have a certain kind of relationship with us just because they had that with us in the past.  Those are privileges that must be earned, and they can be lost, and they can be earned back again.  Consider a more extreme example:  you find out your babysitter has been sexually abusing your child.  You can forgive them and let go of your anger, but that doesn't mean you let them keep babysitting you child and you can both forgive them and banish them from your life.  The thing is you are not banishing them out of anger, hate, revenge etc. but because you children's well being requires it.  Likewise a person can forgive a cheating spouse but still divorce them when circumstances make it the best thing to do for all concerned. 

Forgiving somebody helps create an environment that encourages the sinner to repent and gives them hope that reconciliation is possible, but they still have to do the work of repenting for that to happen. 

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2011/09/repentance-and-forgiveness-in-marriage?lang=eng&_r=1
"There are situations where forgiveness does not mean staying in a relationship that is abusive or dangerous. There are some scenarios where divorce may be the proper choice."

https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/madison-u-sowell_measuring-flour-forgiveness/
“To forgive another” does not imply “to disregard judgment.” Certainly forgiving another does not mean that we hold in contempt the law of justice. In fact, Doctrine and Covenants 64:11 affirms that the one who forgives should embrace judgment and hold the transgressor—especially, I would argue, the serious offender—accountable for what he or she has done."

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/03/forgiving-oneself?lang=eng
"Forgiving a sin does not mean excusing it. When we forgive a sin, we neither say it is OK nor that payment will not be required. "

While this is not from an LDS source, I think there is a lot of excellent points made here:

 

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3 hours ago, mrs_teevee said:

Thank you all so much for your words of kindness, wisdom and truth. I most definitely will take on board all of what you have said.

As of right now, I will continue to pray, fast and feast upon the scriptures. I know my Heavenly Father loves me and wouldn't put me through this trial if He didn't think I could not overcome it.

Thank you all again and pray our good Lord continues to bless you all abundantly.

 

Please keep reading here, and post as you see fit.  A bit of a nit-pic, but Heavenly Father isn't the one putting you through this, but he will be there to help you get through it.

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1 hour ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

 

I completely agree with what you said.  My only point is that if 5 years later after adultery one spouse is still looking over their spouses shoulder think "maybe he is...." then it's not conducive to a strong marriage.  Not that this needs to happen immediately-but that given time it is what needs to happen. It is why adultery in marriage is so hard to overcome-it leaves a lot of bad residue that takes a long time to dissipate.

I guess where I'm going with is that say when a couple is in their 20s one commits adultery and they stick together work things out, by the time their are in their 60s, the offended spouse should literally be able to completely forget the adultery. If the couple has 40 years of working together and building a life together and have become as one, then the offended spouse will be able to forget completely this gross sin.  If the offended individual cannot imagine themselves forgetting at some point in the future this sin while being married, then I'm not sure the marriage will work out in the long run.

Maybe the sin and the way it was committed is so gross and horrific that the consequences necessitate a divorce, but that is for God to say not us.

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1 hour ago, yjacket said:

I completely agree with what you said.  My only point is that if 5 years later after adultery one spouse is still looking over their spouses shoulder think "maybe he is...." then it's not conducive to a strong marriage.  Not that this needs to happen immediately-but that given time it is what needs to happen. It is why adultery in marriage is so hard to overcome-it leaves a lot of bad residue that takes a long time to dissipate.

I guess where I'm going with is that say when a couple is in their 20s one commits adultery and they stick together work things out, by the time their are in their 60s, the offended spouse should literally be able to completely forget the adultery. If the couple has 40 years of working together and building a life together and have become as one, then the offended spouse will be able to forget completely this gross sin.  If the offended individual cannot imagine themselves forgetting at some point in the future this sin while being married, then I'm not sure the marriage will work out in the long run.

Maybe the sin and the way it was committed is so gross and horrific that the consequences necessitate a divorce, but that is for God to say not us.

If the spouse doesn't repent than time won't bring that trust back, nor should it.  Forgetting is figurative, not literal.  The memory is still there but it is back in the dark basement corner of the mind and never comes to the surface unless deliberately dug up.

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