So now I feel like a fool

[unixknight]

This post is probably going to sound like a pity party, for which I apologize.  What I want is to figure out whether others can relate to this, or whether I just have a knack for setting myself up for this sort of thing.

The background:

I am the founding member of a gaming club in my area.  We have our own website, our own Minecraft server, we run Dungeons & Dragons and tabletop wargames of every description.  For several years we have held an annual Nerdfest party for New Year's (most of the time they were held at the LDS Institute building at a nearby University).  We do LAN parties, stupid movie nights, etc.

Our group is composed of LDS members as well as nonmembers, Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, left wing, right wing, men, women, all races (at one point or another) and LGBT folks.  We're probably the most diverse group of gamers you'll ever meet and we all get along, most of the time.

What happened:

Recently, one of the members who had moved away but still occasionally kept in touch with us on our message board reappeared after a long silence.  His posts were all political, and being a liberal thinker he disagreed with those of us who are conservative thinkers.  (And it was only the conservatives who responded to his posts in this case.)  So far so good, but as is typical with this individual, when he'd fail to change any minds he'd do the "well since you're obviously not willing to discuss this reasonably, I'm bowing out of the thread" thing. 

I sent him an E-mail asking if he even still considered us friends, since the tone of his posts was rather less cordial than they used to be.  His answer was that no, he doesn't because he believes our beliefs are evil and he just can't see us as friends.  He also went on to accuse us (me, in particular and my 'cohort' (yes, he really said that)) of all the usual *-phobe labels and accused us of being unwilling to open our minds.  He also admitted that he doesn't start these discussions to share perspectives, but to make us change our minds. 

The reason this bothers me as much as it does is that I thought we still had a friendship even though he had moved away.  I even spoke of that fact in the thread as a way to remind the participants that "we're all friends here" to try to cool things down.  Now I just feel naive, because evidently the whole time I thought this guy and I were friends, he was out there thinking the very worst of me and of those members of our group who are conservative, politically.

Is it just me?  I mean, I know people break off friendships over politics all the time, but it bugs me that this had apparently happened some time back and the only reason we heard from him again was he was trying to come in and preach at us.  (No, it wasn't like this thread was the straw that broke the camel's back.) 

Bah.  I don't want to become jaded...

[mirkwood]

Don't sweat it.  I've had some long term friendships end over the years.  It doesn't mean that they weren't friends during some or most of that time until  ___________  happened which made things different. 

[zil]

No, not just you.  You should not feel bad for thinking positively of a relationship.  Nor should you feel bad about not recognizing that he was putting up a false front (for some portion of the time).

[Guest MormonGator]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I've had some long term friendships end over politics as well. It happens to all of us. @zil is exactly right here-think positively of the good times you had instead of how it ended. 

Edited July 18, 2017 by MormonGator

[Guest]

Nope I've never had a problem like that.  I just don't have friends.  That takes care of the problem.

[Snigmorder]

You're not naïve in the slightest. If there's anyone who is naïve it's your friend. I used to be just like that. I would carve up the world in terms of who agreed with me and who didn't. And those who didn't see it my way were obviously stupid or evil. That was when I was a liberal (and my first foray into the world of things political.) 

 

"Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God." Said Jesus

"For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another." Said the resurrected Lord

[Vort]

This is typical of leftist thinking. I say this as someone who lives near Seattle and has almost constant exposure to such. Any leftie who doesn't immediately excoriate a Republican, a conservative, or a religious person thinks himself the very soul of tolerance. Pathetic but true.

[Guest MormonGator]

1 minute ago, Vort said:

This is typical of leftist thinking. I say this as someone who lives near Seattle and has almost constant exposure to such. Any leftie who doesn't immediately excoriate a Republican, a conservative, or a religious person thinks himself the very soul of tolerance. Pathetic but true.

It's true, the people who claim to be tolerant and opened minded are almost always the furthest from it. Even the most rock ribbed, fundamentalist religious person is more open minded and accepting than a politically correct zealot 

[anatess2]

11 minutes ago, Vort said:

This is typical of leftist thinking. I say this as someone who lives near Seattle and has almost constant exposure to such. Any leftie who doesn't immediately excoriate a Republican, a conservative, or a religious person thinks himself the very soul of tolerance. Pathetic but true.

Jordan Peterson - professor of psychology - has an explanation for this.  From what he says, this is an INTENDED natural progression of what has been going on for the past 50 years which is built upon a foundation of... tat-tada... Marxism.  It used to be that Marxists were only concerned with economics.  When the Marxists failed to accomplish that and got soundly defeated, they went and infiltrated ideology with Marxist methods using group identities to bring them back into power.  If you remember back in the 60's and 70's, the Democratic Party loved Russia.  They've always been attracted to Marxism because it is attractive to compassionate intellectuals - and compassionate intellectuals mostly lends to progressive/liberal thinking.

 

 

[Guest]

I personally don't think political differences are worth losing friendships over.  I don't care if you personally voted for Trump or Hilary or Sanders or whoever in the last election (and I have the wide variety of friends to prove it).  I might care if you openly supported Kim Jong Un, but that's a little bit different.

However, I lost a friendship with one member of this Church when I dared support the Church for excommunicating Kate Kelley and John Dehlin.  I didn't think it was that big of a deal, calling apostates apostates.  This member apparently thought it was a huge deal, and our relationship has been pretty much nonexistent ever since.  (For the record, I really don't care if you personally support Kate Kelley or not, I was just giving my opinion in small talk, and that was apparently enough to ruin a ten year friendship).

Lesson learned: some people take this stuff so seriously that they are unwilling to be friends with those who disagree.  It really is sad, but I think it reflects more on the person unwilling to be friends than those who disagree with him.

Edited July 18, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[beefche]

Very sad. This says more about him than you.

You can't control other people or their reactions. You can only control yourself. I would be sad about this, but I wouldn't let it affect how I am towards other friends. And I would do all I can to think kindly of this person. Seriously, it must be awful to feel such responsibility and think so evilly of people who you've been friends with. Doesn't mean I would open myself up for more preaching or anything, but I think doing my best to think kindly towards him can only be beneficial to me.

[Grunt]

I don't view online discussions as friendships.  I also place very little weight on discussions I have online with real friends.  Online is impersonal, and people behave differently.  You probably do as well, even if in a small way.  I have family and friends I won't be "friends" with online due to this.  However, we get along fine in person, and can even hold the same conversation amicably in person, even though we couldn't online.

I choose my online "friends" based upon their actions, behavior, and whether the online relationship adds to, or subtracts from, my life.  My online friendship with people doesn't really impact my offline relationship with them, though I do wonder why the respect disappears.

[Jane_Doe]

The fool here is him, not you.  He burned the friendship over stupid stuff, not you.  You opened the door, he slammed it.  If he wants to come back, your hand is still extended.  That's being the best friend possible.

[unixknight]

42 minutes ago, Grunt said:

I don't view online discussions as friendships.  I also place very little weight on discussions I have online with real friends.  Online is impersonal, and people behave differently.  You probably do as well, even if in a small way.  I have family and friends I won't be "friends" with online due to this.  However, we get along fine in person, and can even hold the same conversation amicably in person, even though we couldn't online.

I choose my online "friends" based upon their actions, behavior, and whether the online relationship adds to, or subtracts from, my life.  My online friendship with people doesn't really impact my offline relationship with them, though I do wonder why the respect disappears.

Just to clarify:  We're all friends in person.  I knew this guy from real life.

[Guest MormonGator]

15 hours ago, Grunt said:

I don't view online discussions as friendships.  I also place very little weight on discussions I have online

I'm the opposite. While I don't consider everyone I meet online a friend, I certainly have friend wonderful friendships with people I've only met online. I think it's always important to remember that there is a person on the other side of the keyboard/phone. 

[unixknight]

2 hours ago, MormonGator said:

I'm the opposite. While I don't consider everyone I meet online a friend, I certainly have friend wonderful friendships with people I've only met online. I think it's always important to remember that there is a person on the other side of the keyboard/phone. 

Or a Gator, amirite?