Excuse me for doing what I want! Or, Backroads is just having an obnoxious emotional crisis

[Backroads]

When sent through such team-building exercises such as the Color Personality Code, I always wind up being a White or whatever test equivalent reveals a nice, easy-going, diplomatic, peacemaker type. I recognize this about myself even without such team-building fluff. I don't mind going terribly out of my way to help someone, I try to put others first, I seek to make peace with others, and yes, I try to please people whenever reasonable. I just like people to be happy and content, is that so wrong?

The trouble with this is, due to an apparently traumatic event when I was like 9 that lost me a really cool choker a friend found in the dirt, I'm not a push-over (that choker should have been mine!!!!)
 

Anyway, I came online to try and cool down because I just found myself in tears about half an hour ago when someone very close to me just chewed me out over the phone because I said "no thank-you" to some plans that were in the way of a prior engagement that also happened to be more important to me. Apparently I was supposed to submit my plans for her approval, to give excruciating details up for judgment on what was "right" for me to do. Apparently I was disrespectful and inconsiderate. I thought I had given my no-thankyou in sufficient advance. Instead, I felt the horrible paws of someone trying to twist and manipulate me and all because Backroads "always says yes and thinks about what others would like."

I've been considering if I refused something that may have been significantly more important than I realize, but no evidence supports that. What I did instead seems to have made someone unhappy and suddenly all responsibility for their happiness falls upon me. 

Is this just my due punishment for being a people pleaser?

Edited July 24, 2017 by Backroads

[Jane_Doe]

*Hugs*

The other girl is being ridiculous and selfish here.  That's not you fault, nor can you control her reaction.  If she wants to chew you out, then you are not obligated to listen to her tantrum- walk out of the room (or hang up).  

I know it's hard to do, especially as person who finds joy out of making people happy.  I went through similar guilt just a few days ago in a similar situation.  But we need to remember that we're not responsible for other people's irrational tantrums.  

[Sunday21]

Also Hugs! No matter who you are or how you behave, people will be unreasonable. Yes if you are a nice person then people will be more unreasonable but..what is the point in 'winning' in life and losing eternity? Remember who you are...as they say. 

I know how annoying it is. I become very professional with people, like your cellphone company. "I am sorry I have failed to satisfy you Madame, perhaps you will be able to find someone else to accommodate you?'

i once sold a friend a car for $50 to help her out before I moved to another part of the country. Her job was to get insurance on the car. She failed to do so. In fact, she drove the car to various parts of the city and left it there illegally. How did I know? I got the parking tickets. I had to pay someone to tow the car to a safe place and then sell the car for me. There are some people who are too divorced from reality to deal with. I have frequently been put in charge of people at church who refuse to act responsibly in their callings. I strongly prefer callings in which I teach because I don't need to supervise anyone.

Many people are jerks. Try to withdraw from them. Or you could try the Marnie approach and try to organize them? Have you ever read the Marnie letter?

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2009/11/26/awkward-family-story-the-thanksgiving-letter/

This woman fascinates me. Does she have a job outside the home? Children? Pets? What is her husband like?

 

Edited October 5, 2017 by Sunday21

[Suzie]

4 hours ago, Backroads said:

Is this just my due punishment for being a people pleaser?

I won't call it a punishment at all, but hope you saw it coming? The thing is...when someone knows you for acting in a certain way in X situation, etc and you have been (to your own admission) a people pleaser for a very long time (perhaps your whole life?) and you gradually or suddenly change, people WILL get upset. That's just how it is. We ALL change as we get older. It will take a while for people to get it, I say don't sweat it.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Backroads said:

When sent through such team-building exercises such as the Color Personality Code, I always wind up being a White or whatever test equivalent reveals a nice, easy-going, diplomatic, peacemaker type. I recognize this about myself even without such team-building fluff. I don't mind going terribly out of my way to help someone, I try to put others first, I seek to make peace with others, and yes, I try to please people whenever reasonable. I just like people to be happy and content, is that so wrong?

The trouble with this is, due to an apparently traumatic event when I was like 9 that lost me a really cool choker a friend found in the dirt, I'm not a push-over (that choker should have been mine!!!!)
 

Anyway, I came online to try and cool down because I just found myself in tears about half an hour ago when someone very close to me just chewed me out over the phone because I said "no thank-you" to some plans that were in the way of a prior engagement that also happened to be more important to me. Apparently I was supposed to submit my plans for her approval, to give excruciating details up for judgment on what was "right" for me to do. Apparently I was disrespectful and inconsiderate. I thought I had given my no-thankyou in sufficient advance. Instead, I felt the horrible paws of someone trying to twist and manipulate me and all because Backroads "always says yes and thinks about what others would like."

I've been considering if I refused something that may have been significantly more important than I realize, but no evidence supports that. What I did instead seems to have made someone unhappy and suddenly all responsibility for my happiness falls upon me. 

Is this just my due punishment for being a people pleaser?

If this person is not your mom or your boss, just who does this person think they are?

I would have no problem cutting such a "friend" out of my life.  I probably would have hung up on them then and there.

On a side note, if someone yells at you for something a silly as refusing some social engagement or whatever, I would bet there is something seriously wrong with that person (e.g., severe untreated emotional problems, sociopathy, undisclosed substance abuse, etc.).  Normal people don't act that way.

Edited July 24, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[Bad Karma]

Backroads,

In the future, just tell that imposing person to go away and eat a bowl full of ice cubes. It will give her yammering biscuit eater something else to do, part company with her. Being friendly doesn't mean you have to be a door mat. A very pointed conversation followed by disinvitation will cease that monkey shine straight away.  I love the power of NO, it just feels soooooo good. I can just say it all day long! No! NO! Oh wow, it's delightful! NO! I'm getting carried away here. 

Edited July 24, 2017 by Bad Karma
Pesky typo

[Guest]

44 minutes ago, DoctorLemon said:

If this person is not your mom or your boss, just who does this person think they are?

I would have no problem cutting such a "friend" out of my life.  I probably would have hung up on them then and there.

On a side note, if someone yells at you for something a silly as refusing some social engagement or whatever, I would bet there is something seriously wrong with that person (e.g., severe untreated emotional problems, sociopathy, undisclosed substance abuse, etc.).  Normal people don't act that way.

I will say this - if a friend who is usually very nice had an isolated temper tantrum, I would probably roll my eyes and forgive and chalk it up to that person having a bad day or something.

But if the person is always like that, or is someone I don't know well, I would probably get them out of my life.

[Vort]

1 hour ago, Sunday21 said:

Also Hugs! No matter who you are or how you behave, people will be unreasonable. Yes if you are a nice person then people will be more unreasonable but..what is the point in 'winning' in life and losing eternity? Remember who you are...as they say. 

I know how annoying it is. I become very professional with people, like your cellphone company. "I am sorry I have called to satisfy you Madame, perhaps you will be able to find someone else to accommodate you?'

i once sold a friend a car for $50 to help her out before I moved to another part of the country. Her job was to get insurance on the car. She failed to do so. In fact, she drove the car to various parts of the city and left it there illegally. How did I know? I got the parking tickets. I had to pay someone to tow the car to a safe place and then sell the car for me. There are some people who are too divorced from reality to deal with. I have frequently been put in charge of people at church who refuse to act responsibly in their callings. I strongly prefer callings in which I teach because I don't need to supervise anyone.

Many people are jerks. Try to withdraw from them. Or your could try the Marnie approach and try to orgsnize them? Have you ever read the Marnie letter?

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2009/11/26/awkward-family-story-the-thanksgiving-letter/

This woman fascinates me. Does she have a job outside the home? Children? Pets? What is her husband like?

 

I'm sure this cannot be real. The original Marnie might be real, but the Youtube video is a spoof. Has to be. 100%.

[Guest MormonGator]

18 minutes ago, DoctorLemon said:

I will say this - if a friend who is usually very nice had an isolated temper tantrum, I would probably roll my eyes and forgive and chalk it up to that person having a bad day or something.

But if the person is always like that, or is someone I don't know well, I would probably get them out of my life.

Exactly. Friendship isn't about forgiveness but you do need to be understanding to a point. Isolated incident-chalk it up to a bad day and move on. Acts always like that-might be time to have a long talk with them. Friends are very valuable in life and I place a high value on them.

Anyways, sorry it happened to you @Backroads. Sending love and hugs.

[seashmore]

3 hours ago, DoctorLemon said:

I will say this - if a friend who is usually very nice had an isolated temper tantrum, I would probably roll my eyes and forgive and chalk it up to that person having a bad day or something.

But if the person is always like that, or is someone I don't know well, I would probably get them out of my life.

I would hedge my bets that she was upset about something else (or many other things) and your backing out was the drop that overflowed the bowl. "You put on a happy face for everybody new, but the closest to your heart so rarely get the best of you." (Lyrics to a "Nothing But a Song" by Great Big Sea.)

[Just_A_Guy]

6 hours ago, Backroads said:

When sent through such team-building exercises such as the Color Personality Code, I always wind up being a White or whatever test equivalent reveals a nice, easy-going, diplomatic, peacemaker type. I recognize this about myself even without such team-building fluff. I don't mind going terribly out of my way to help someone, I try to put others first, I seek to make peace with others, and yes, I try to please people whenever reasonable. I just like people to be happy and content, is that so wrong?

The trouble with this is, due to an apparently traumatic event when I was like 9 that lost me a really cool choker a friend found in the dirt, I'm not a push-over (that choker should have been mine!!!!)
 

Anyway, I came online to try and cool down because I just found myself in tears about half an hour ago when someone very close to me just chewed me out over the phone because I said "no thank-you" to some plans that were in the way of a prior engagement that also happened to be more important to me. Apparently I was supposed to submit my plans for her approval, to give excruciating details up for judgment on what was "right" for me to do. Apparently I was disrespectful and inconsiderate. I thought I had given my no-thankyou in sufficient advance. Instead, I felt the horrible paws of someone trying to twist and manipulate me and all because Backroads "always says yes and thinks about what others would like."

I've been considering if I refused something that may have been significantly more important than I realize, but no evidence supports that. What I did instead seems to have made someone unhappy and suddenly all responsibility for my happiness falls upon me. 

Is this just my due punishment for being a people pleaser?

Well, you aren't nuts. I'm another white personality type.  My understanding is most profiles describe whites as fiercely independent who are sensitive to and *deeply* resent being manipulated--they just tend to resist in a more passive way and prefer plotting revenge to open confrontation (but when we finally do snap--look out!)

[Backroads]

8 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:

Well, you aren't nuts. I'm another white personality type.  My understanding is most profiles describe whites as fiercely independent who are sensitive to and *deeply* resent being manipulated--they just tend to resist in a more passive way and prefer plotting revenge to open confrontation (but when we finally do snap--look out!)

Yeah, I admit that about myself. What's amusing is I'm attracted to strong, even brash personalities. My husband is that way, the sister I enjoy spending time with the most, my closest friends. Then they learn, often the hard way, that despite their strong personalities, I tend to do whatever the heck I want (though, again, with other's happiness often a huge factor, but still, whatever I want.)

I don't like manipulation (who does?) Just recently I learned of a thing some of the older folks I know do: mandatory Sunday dinners requiring the presence of all offspring, involving guilt-tripping and silent treatment and other nastiness and heaven help a couple with both sets of parents requiring such. And apparently it's a thing. Trying to chalk it up to generational differences, but wow!

[Guest]

15 hours ago, Backroads said:

What I did instead seems to have made someone unhappy

and

suddenly all responsibility for my happiness falls upon me. 

Do you see what I see?

[Backroads]

5 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

Do you see what I see?

Typo! I recall even checking that darn sentence.

[Guest]

4 minutes ago, Backroads said:

Typo! I recall even checking that darn sentence.

My point was that you are responsible for your own happiness.  The other woman is responsible for her own happiness.  She can't expect to have it both ways.

[anatess2]

18 hours ago, Backroads said:

When sent through such team-building exercises such as the Color Personality Code, I always wind up being a White or whatever test equivalent reveals a nice, easy-going, diplomatic, peacemaker type. I recognize this about myself even without such team-building fluff. I don't mind going terribly out of my way to help someone, I try to put others first, I seek to make peace with others, and yes, I try to please people whenever reasonable. I just like people to be happy and content, is that so wrong?

The trouble with this is, due to an apparently traumatic event when I was like 9 that lost me a really cool choker a friend found in the dirt, I'm not a push-over (that choker should have been mine!!!!)
 

Anyway, I came online to try and cool down because I just found myself in tears about half an hour ago when someone very close to me just chewed me out over the phone because I said "no thank-you" to some plans that were in the way of a prior engagement that also happened to be more important to me. Apparently I was supposed to submit my plans for her approval, to give excruciating details up for judgment on what was "right" for me to do. Apparently I was disrespectful and inconsiderate. I thought I had given my no-thankyou in sufficient advance. Instead, I felt the horrible paws of someone trying to twist and manipulate me and all because Backroads "always says yes and thinks about what others would like."

I've been considering if I refused something that may have been significantly more important than I realize, but no evidence supports that. What I did instead seems to have made someone unhappy and suddenly all responsibility for their happiness falls upon me. 

Is this just my due punishment for being a people pleaser?

I'm going to give you advice from the other side of that coin.  And it's from personal experience that just happened a few weeks ago.

I am not the type of person that will just take No for an answer without a fight.  I totally believe that if I would just be happy with somebody saying No without giving it everything I got to make that No into a Yes, I wouldn't be where I am today.  I wouldn't even be in America today where I met my husband and found the Church.

So, a few weeks ago, my brother's entire family came over from the Philippines.  So, my other brother and my families rented a giant house and went on a 10-day Disney tour.  Well, my kids don't really enjoy Disney that much anymore because they'd rather go to Busch Gardens where all the giant roller-coasters are.  But, they wanted to be with their cousins so they happily toured Disney and had a blast.  But, on the last day of the vacation, they begged to take the cousins to Busch Gardens.  Only 1 cousin wanted to go - nobody else likes roller-coasters.  So they were very happy because at least they get 1 cousin!  So, I went to bat for them and asked my brother if I can take his son to go to Busch Gardens while they all go shopping.  He said No.  Of course, that's not gonna be the end of it with me.  So, I went and laid out my case about the happiness of my kids, etc. etc... My brother was still a No, but his wife said Yes.  They got into an argument until finally my brother said Yes and we went to Busch Gardens.  My mother got mad at me and told me - I'm the reason for their conflict.  I told my mother - their conflict is their problem, not mine.

Now, if this was my sister - she's a people pleaser.  To the core.  She can't say No to me.  Ever since we were kids.  But then she got married... and her husband is a very non-confrontational guy but at the same time he is a control-freak... so he tells my sister to tell me No but he wouldn't do it himself.  My sister gets caught between her husband and me... so she ends up hiding from me.  For example - they moved from Florida to Texas without telling anybody.  She knows I would try to change her husband's mind on the matter.  Or she would say, Yes, we're gonna go to the bday party... and then just don't show up.  This just makes everybody upset.

So... about that 1 cousin and Busch Gardens... my other brother's kids have not been to Busch Gardens.  Even after years of me trying to get them to go with us.  My other sister-in-law has no problem telling me No.  I try to change her mind, she just says, Nope, didn't work.  Still a No.  My brother doesn't say No.  He just tells me to talk to his wife.  I tell her - "You're gonna make me unhappy!".  She just says, "You'll get over it.".  Interestingly, this is the same as my husband.  I would ask him to do something, he says No... I beg and plead and cry... he just says, "You done?".

Why I'm telling you this.  I wouldn't be myself if I would just take No for an answer.  I suspect that's probably the same as your co-worker.  But I have a lot more respect for my husband and my sister-in-law who have confidence in their No's to stand up for it.  I'm still going to try to change their minds.  And sometimes I succeed.  But when they do, I know for sure it's a good thing.  When I don't get my way, I live with it and figure something else out.  But yeah, I quit asking my sister-in-law for Busch Gardens years ago.  My sister's reaction?  It's the bad thing.  Even my sister-in-law doesn't like it.  We never know what they want, we never get to figure out where we stand with them.  It just makes it more difficult for everybody.

 

[anatess2]

P.S.

The best way for society to function is to give people freedom to be Who They Are while at the same time staying true to Who You Are while trying to persuade people to what you believe is right.

[pwrfrk]

@BackroadsThat friend doesn't sound like much of a friend, in my opinion.  It's your life, your schedule- if you don't want to go, don't go. 

[Iggy]

Is this friend a member of the church? If so, then hit her between the eyes and about the head and body with scriptures regarding Agency.

You have the God given right to your Agency - which means our Lord and Savior gave his mortal life protecting our AGENCY.

I once was like you Backroads, but once I survived leaving a manipulative, cheating, foul husband - and at the same time reactivated myself back into church life - no more. I said No often when before I would say: Well okay - if it would may you happy. Now I weigh what it is that is asked (sometimes demanded) of me. If it fits MY SCHEDULE, and the person asking is not known to take unreasonable advantage of my good will, then I will say yes.

I also quit saying Yes to all the times I was asked to fulfill a calling. Shocked the daylights out of the Bishop/Branch Presidency - but no one knows ME and my abilities better than I do. It all boils down to agency.

Backroads, I also know why you were brought to tears. That person didn't consider your feelings, your happiness. That hurts. I know. Lots and lots of personal experience regarding THAT. Hubby stands next to me, behind me and wraps me in his love of the Lord via Priesthood Power. Both he and the Lord have given me assurances that it is okay and right for me to cut those hurtful, greedy, me-me-me only people out of my life. One of those people is my little sister. sigh  But I cannot let her back in. My health - both physical and spiritual - is the most important - not whether she is happy by controlling and manipulating everyone in her sphere of sight.

It is good that you feel comfortable - safe - coming here to the forum for your comfort, affirmation of your goodness, and to receive hugs and again affirmation that indeed you did the right thing.

Hugs to you. My shoulders are also water (tear) resistant.

 

[Dillon]

Does anyone want to know what I think?

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

4 hours ago, Dillon said:

Does anyone want to know what I think?

This is a public message board. You dont need permission to join the conversation.