How did you know it was the right time to have your first child?

[Jane_Doe]

1 hour ago, Lee said:

Oh yeah my wife and I are currently arguing because she has gone eco crazy and wants to use reusable diapers. 

She's welcome to give that a go and wash them.  If she doesn't like it, you guys can switch to disposable.   I know folks who've tried loved them, some that have hated them, and some that only use them for a while.  

[Lee]

3 hours ago, anatess2 said:

My advice is to use the internet search as the very last resort.  There are lots of day care centers and not all of them are good.

My first advice is to use these few months to read up on Home Economics on a Single Income.  That way, your wife will be the primary care giver of the child until, at least, he starts grammar school, then she can go back to work.  You'll be surprised at how very possible it is to live off one paycheck, the same way as how one who can't figure out how it is possible to pay tithing on their income actually find ways to do so... it's not about the math adding up more so than about alternative ways of accomplishing things.

 But, if you really can't make it on a single income, then your next stop is to ask your family and/or friends for recommendations in the area.  Then you know exactly what experiences they have with that specific facility and not just some online reviews by strangers on the internet who may think their kids are doing great at the daycare as they get very little interaction with the caregivers getting plopped in a playpen all day long.

 Anyway... the standard answer to Where Do People Learn This Stuff is FROM THEIR MOTHERS.

 

My wife wants to go to work as soon as possible, because she has been offered a wonderful job. I had a great mother but she never stayed home with me, my grandmother cared for me when I was a child. 

[Lee]

3 hours ago, Jane_Doe said:

She's welcome to give that a go and wash them.  If she doesn't like it, you guys can switch to disposable.   I know folks who've tried loved them, some that have hated them, and some that only use them for a while.  

I think it is disgusting, when I am changing diapers I will be using disposable ones. 

[anatess2]

15 minutes ago, Lee said:

I think it is disgusting, when I am changing diapers I will be using disposable ones. 

Doesn't matter if it's disposable or not... it's still human poop and it's disgusting.   

Now, check this out:
1.)  Disposable diapers - you take out the poopy diaper and put it in this diaper pail (or diaper genie).
2.)  Reusable diapers - you take out the poopy diaper, dump the poop in the toilet and flush, and put the diaper in this diaper pail (or diaper genie).

 Not much difference.  Now, for the rest:
1.)  Disposable diapers - you empty the pail into the trash so then you buy new ones.
2.)  Reusable diapers - the diaper service picks it up and gives you back your clean diapers.

Not much of a difference for you.  Big difference to the landfill.

P.S.  If you want your baby's poop to be less disgusting, breastfeed.

Edited May 2, 2018 by anatess2

[anatess2]

21 minutes ago, Lee said:

My wife wants to go to work as soon as possible, because she has been offered a wonderful job. I had a great mother but she never stayed home with me, my grandmother cared for me when I was a child. 

Well, there's nothing more wonderful than raising children.  Nothing.  As you probably experienced with your mother vs your grandmother.

[Lee]

1 hour ago, anatess2 said:

Well, there's nothing more wonderful than raising children.  Nothing.  As you probably experienced with your mother vs your grandmother.

I mean my mother raised me, I was only cared for during the day by my grandmother whilst my mother was at work. I think you can work and raise children at the same time. 

[mgridle]

1 hour ago, Lee said:

I mean my mother raised me, I was only cared for during the day by my grandmother whilst my mother was at work. I think you can work and raise children at the same time. 

3 hours ago, Lee said:

My wife wants to go to work as soon as possible, because she has been offered a wonderful job. I had a great mother but she never stayed home with me, my grandmother cared for me when I was a child. 

It is possible but not advisable.  Why in the world does your wife want to work?  Which of these:

For prestige and praise of the world?

For money?

To demonstrate, she can do anything a man can?

Because she has been brainwashed?

Because you've been brainwashed?

There is absolutely nothing, nothing more critical in the entire world than raising the next generation and doing it right?

Children absolutely 100% need a mother at home.  The scriptures tell us this, prophets tell us this, life experience (from those who are older) tell you this?  Why go against everything that has been taught?

I think you mentioned you are highly educated.  Why are you treating your child like a dog.  Now don't get all bent out of shape.  What do you do with a dog?  You buy it and then when you are away from the house you pay someone else to take care of your dog b/c you aren't there. Seriously why have a child, if all you do is put it in day-care.  B/c you want to take it out and play with it every now and then?  Think how cute it is, how look it's so cute, look I can play with it . . .but nope we are too focused on ourselves, our work, our career that we are going to put the kid in day-care for 50+ hours a week.

Human beings aren't dogs and they need human bonding.  They need parental biological bonding, they need bonding with their mother.  Study after study after study demonstrates the benefits of infants bonding with mothers, it demonstrates that single motherhood (or single parenthood for that matter) is an total failure. They have lower grades, less socially stable, more likely to go to jail, etc. etc. etc.

Yet single-motherhood, and it's twin barbaric act of putting a small child in day-care away from it's parents is held up like some paragon of virtue.  It's horrible. Putting your child in day-care when you have the ability to care for it, IMO it is a form of child abuse.  You are depriving the child from something it desperately needs-stable, constant contact with individuals who desperately care about it, especially when it is an infant. If day-care workers desperately cared about your child . . . you wouldn't have to pay them to take care of it.

Seriously dude, it's your life, but I can tell you now, you and/or your wife will look back on it with regret if you decide to put your child in day-care and you had the means to not do so.

Day-care is a necessary evil, for some people who have had life just smack them upside the head-death of a spouse, divorce, major job losses, etc.  But it is not something that one should make a choice to do.

I sware feminism is a cancer and it will rot out everything.

[Lee]

9 minutes ago, mgridle said:

It is possible but not advisable.  Why in the world does your wife want to work?  Which of these:

 

My wife is a very intelligent and highly qualified woman, we believe that she must pursue her passion as she has been gifted with great intellect, much greater than myself. 

 

11 minutes ago, mgridle said:

There is absolutely nothing, nothing more critical in the entire world than raising the next generation and doing it right?

 Children absolutely 100% need a mother at home.  The scriptures tell us this, prophets tell us this, life experience (from those who are older) tell you this?  Why go against everything that has been taught?

My mother never stayed home with me, I can honestly say I don't think I missed out. I had a very close relationship with my mother. 

 

13 minutes ago, mgridle said:

 I think you mentioned you are highly educated.  Why are you treating your child like a dog.  Now don't get all bent out of shape.  What do you do with a dog?  You buy it and then when you are away from the house you pay someone else to take care of your dog b/c you aren't there. Seriously why have a child, if all you do is put it in day-care.  B/c you want to take it out and play with it every now and then?  Think how cute it is, how look it's so cute, look I can play with it . . .but nope we are too focused on ourselves, our work, our career that we are going to put the kid in day-care for 50+ hours a week.

 

  I hate dogs. 

 

We will provide a great home for our child and we will always ensure our child is happy. 

[mgridle]

2 hours ago, Lee said:

My wife is a very intelligent and highly qualified woman, we believe that she must pursue her passion as she has been gifted with great intellect, much greater than myself. 
 

Like I said she has set the world above raising children.  What are you going to do, squeeze breastmilk out of your breast?  Coo a sobbing child?

You aren't female, you never have been, never will be.  You don't carry a child for 9 months-she does.  This whole junk about "we're pregnant", no, no you aren't your wife is pregnant-you are not.You do realize that a child intimately knows the mother in the womb, right?  It hears her voice, is used to it.  It's why a mother's voice can actually sooth a child better than a father or stranger.  B/c the child has actually heard every single thing the mother has said for almost nine months!  And that's just one, just one example.

You can't replicate that . . .ever.

So what if she has greater intellect than you, you can't be a mother. She and only she is uniquely qualified to provide the best care to your child for the first several years-nobody else.  But I guess you think she'll be the greatest scientist that ever lived.  That's fine, go chase your golden calves . . .at the expense of your child.  I'm telling you now, you will regret it.

2 hours ago, Lee said:

My mother never stayed home with me, I can honestly say I don't think I missed out. I had a very close relationship with my mother. 

And your father?  Where was he?  My guess is totally absent (dead, divorced, etc.), which is why you don't have a clue as to what fatherhood looks like-if you're only example is your mother, of course you think it'll be fine.

2 hours ago, Lee said:

We will provide a great home for our child and we will always ensure our child is happy. 

Dude, you don't have a clue.  Danger, will robinson, danger, danger, danger to above.  You can't "always ensure" your child is happy.  In fact, that is false and from the devil.  Your purpose as a parent isn't to ensure your child's happiness.  You aren't responsible for it's happiness, only he/she is.   Your job as a parent is to

a) ensure the survival of the species -i.e. they don't kill themselves when they are young

b) teach them the necessary skills so that they can live their life on their own, independent of you.

And part of life is learning to deal with the absolute crap that comes with being alive.  Learning to deal with the fact, that you will not always be happy, not everything will go right and you can't get everything you want in life.  "Ensuring our child is happy" is an absolute sure-fire way to raise a self-centered, narcissistic, needy, piece of trash human being.

No, I have learned, you want your children to struggle, you want them to face unhappiness, to face hardship, b/c life ain't all sunshine and roses and you better learn when you are young.  The world don't owe you jack, b/c the only way to keep a child happy is to give them everything they want. If your goal is to "ensure they are happy" you will necessarily end up giving them everything they want in life without them learning to do it for themselves.

And this is exactly why we have a piece of trash culture right now, people complain about kids these days, no respect, etc. etc. etc. Whelp, it all starts in the home and when mommy thinks her job is more important than raising her child-this is what you get.  Pretty simple.

This is why we have freaking "cry rooms" on college campuses these days . . .ugh.

I'll be glad when we get to the burn-down phase of this modern culture and then people look back and realize, wow that was really, really dumb what we did. Never before in the history of mankind have we actively encouraged mothers to leave their children immediately after they were born . . .wow that was really dumb-let's not do that.

Maybe it will take 50 years, hopefully I'm alive when it happens. We have have an utter collapse and then a rebirth!

Look man, I get it.  You are two highly intelligent steeped in the world people.  Your wife (and you) has been brainwashed into believing in order to do good in the world, she must be a STAR!!! She must be in the workforce, or she doesn't have value!  But I'm telling you man, you will be doing her a cruel joke to encourage her to be in the workforce after the child is born.

Things happen when a woman is pregnant, there is a bond that occurs.  Ask any man alive and he will tell you about the "nesting" phase-it's actually quite cool, and amazing to watch it in action. That bond between mother and child is something a father can never have; we have other bonds but not that one. If you encourage her to be in the workforce immediately after birth you are doing her a cruel favor.

Sure, she might resist you and she might be convinced she needs to be in the workforce. But I guarantee you, man, it will come back to bite you in the rear-especially b/c you could provide for her and ensure she doesn't need to be in the workforce.  If you could have been in the workforce providing for her while she nurses, nurtures, etc. for the child she carries for 9 months and you don't do it. She will hold a grudge about it . . .oh she might not say anything, it might be totally cool-, now, but one day, man, I promise you one day, she will make a comment and you will sit and think to yourself . . .boy did I screw up there.

Edited May 3, 2018 by mgridle

[Lee]

9 hours ago, mgridle said:

Like I said she has set the world above raising children.  What are you going to do, squeeze breastmilk out of your breast?  Coo a sobbing child?

You aren't female, you never have been, never will be.  You don't carry a child for 9 months-she does.  This whole junk about "we're pregnant", no, no you aren't your wife is pregnant-you are not.You do realize that a child intimately knows the mother in the womb, right?  It hears her voice, is used to it.  It's why a mother's voice can actually sooth a child better than a father or stranger.  B/c the child has actually heard every single thing the mother has said for almost nine months!  And that's just one, just one example.

I didn't say I was a female. I have no desire to stop working to care for the baby. 

 

9 hours ago, mgridle said:

And your father?  Where was he?  My guess is totally absent (dead, divorced, etc.), which is why you don't have a clue as to what fatherhood looks like-if you're only example is your mother, of course you think it'll be fine.

10 hours ago, Lee said:

I lived with my mother and father, they are still married and alive. 

 

9 hours ago, mgridle said:

) ensure the survival of the species -i.e. they don't kill themselves when they are young

b) teach them the necessary skills so that they can live their life on their own, independent of you.

And part of life is learning to deal with the absolute crap that comes with being alive.  Learning to deal with the fact, that you will not always be happy, not everything will go right and you can't get everything you want in life.  "Ensuring our child is happy" is an absolute sure-fire way to raise a self-centered, narcissistic, needy, piece of trash human being.

No, I have learned, you want your children to struggle, you want them to face unhappiness, to face hardship, b/c life ain't all sunshine and roses and you better learn when you are young.  The world don't owe you jack, b/c the only way to keep a child happy is to give them everything they want. If your goal is to "ensure they are happy" you will necessarily end up giving them everything they want in life without them learning to do it for themselves

Why would anyone have a child if they weren't going to indulge them. I will give my child anything they ask for unless it is dangerous. 

 

9 hours ago, mgridle said:

Look man, I get it.  You are two highly intelligent steeped in the world people.  Your wife (and you) has been brainwashed into believing in order to do good in the world, she must be a STAR!!! She must be in the workforce, or she doesn't have value!  But I'm telling you man, you will be doing her a cruel joke to encourage her to be in the workforce after the child is born.

 

My wife doesn't think that, she has a passion and desire for her field, it would be wrong of me to ask her to give that up, when it is possible that she will be a great mother and still work. 

 

9 hours ago, mgridle said:

Sure, she might resist you and she might be convinced she needs to be in the workforce. But I guarantee you, man, it will come back to bite you in the rear-especially b/c you could provide for her and ensure she doesn't need to be in the workforce.  If you could have been in the workforce providing for her while she nurses, nurtures, etc. for the child she carries for 9 months and you don't do it. She will hold a grudge about it . . .oh she might not say anything, it might be totally cool-, now, but one day, man, I promise you one day, she will make a comment and you will sit and think to yourself . . .boy did I screw up there.

I will never force my wife to do anything, I support her goals and she knows that. My wife knows I can provide for her I have been doing it for 5 years, now my wife has finished her education she is pursuing her career in academia and research. That is her goal and we can raise our child together except for 9 hours a day 5 days a week. I don't think it is a big deal.  

[Jane_Doe]

6 minutes ago, Lee said:

now my wife has finished her education she is pursuing her career in academia and research. 

Cool.  Might I ask what field?

I'm currently in Ecology/Computer Science/Stats myself.  My daughter (age 4) has part-time preschool 12 hours/week, but otherwise stays home with her amazing daddy.  (Note: I'm just sharing what we do to be social.  I'm not pushing or encouraging that in any way)

Edited May 3, 2018 by Jane_Doe

[Lee]

2 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

Cool.  Might I ask what field?

I'm currently in Ecology/Computer Science/Stats myself. 

She has completed her Ph.D in Clinical Psychology and as been offered a position as a lecturer and researcher at 2 universities. I know she largely wants to research mental health and alzheimers.  

[Jane_Doe]

Just now, Lee said:

She has completed her Ph.D in Clinical Psychology and as been offered a position as a lecturer and researcher at 2 universities. I know she largely wants to research mental health and alzheimers.  

AWESOME!!!

I'll be finishing my PhD sometime this year.  I currently have the joy of feeling out LOTS of job apps ...🤢

[Lee]

Just now, Jane_Doe said:

AWESOME!!!

I'll be finishing my PhD sometime this year.  I currently have the joy of feeling out LOTS of job apps ...🤢

I am very proud of her, I barely made it through law school and she has breezed through her Ph.D. 

[Jane_Doe]

Just now, Lee said:

I am very proud of her, I barely made it through law school and she has breezed through her Ph.D. 

What?   Dude, you're married to a freak of nature (freak in a good way).  I don't know a single person who breezes through a PhD (a fact their committees insure).  

[Lee]

1 minute ago, Jane_Doe said:

What?   Dude, you're married to a freak of nature (freak in a good way).  I don't know a single person who breezes through a PhD (a fact their committees insure).  

Well she made it look easy to me, we know she has been blessed with intellect and other talents. Now is her time to utilise them. 

[Jane_Doe]

6 minutes ago, Lee said:

Well she made it look easy to me, we know she has been blessed with intellect and other talents. Now is her time to utilise them. 

Cool.  Though of course intellect and other talents are required for motherhood too (my little one makes me rack my brain SO hard sometimes, like "why in the world do you do that?").    Admittedly, I'm actually looking more at industry jobs right now cause I want to work only 9-5 to spend more time with her (my current field is WAY more hours than that). 

Edited May 3, 2018 by Jane_Doe

[Lee]

15 hours ago, Jane_Doe said:

Cool.  Though of course intellect and other talents are required for motherhood too (my little one makes me rack my brain SO hard sometimes, like "why in the world do you do that?").    Admittedly, I'm actually looking more at industry jobs right now cause I want to work only 9-5 to spend more time with her (my current field is WAY more hours than that). 

I can imagine that being the case. I think we will be able to manage really well, my work lets me work from home sometimes and we have managed to care for our nephew well. 

[Overwatch]

Just go for it. Your life will change... for good and bad.

Everything materially dear to me is now broken. Bought my wife a new 4k TV and it was cracked, the screen, the 2nd day. Bought her a new Touring mini Van and feet Mark's all over the leather seats. Put on my shoes to go to work and often get stabbed in the foot with toys. Not to mention getting slapped in the face A LOT. I have all girls and they seem to think it's so funny. There is a song the girls learned in primary "I'm so glad when daddy comes home" or something like that. They have me sing it so they can act it out. I remember the first time it happened. There is a part that goes "pat his cheeks and give him what?" I got the biggest slap instead of a pat XD but a sweet big kiss on the cheek for the next part of the line " a great big kiss" other than having material stuff destroyed I don't regret becoming a Father.

I mean don't get me wrong, there is so much to it that there simply isn't room here. Work for one and see how you like it. Then go from there

[Lee]

On 5/29/2018 at 9:26 AM, Overwatch said:

Just go for it. Your life will change... for good and bad.

Everything materially dear to me is now broken. Bought my wife a new 4k TV and it was cracked, the screen, the 2nd day. Bought her a new Touring mini Van and feet Mark's all over the leather seats. Put on my shoes to go to work and often get stabbed in the foot with toys. Not to mention getting slapped in the face A LOT. I have all girls and they seem to think it's so funny. There is a song the girls learned in primary "I'm so glad when daddy comes home" or something like that. They have me sing it so they can act it out. I remember the first time it happened. There is a part that goes "pat his cheeks and give him what?" I got the biggest slap instead of a pat XD but a sweet big kiss on the cheek for the next part of the line " a great big kiss" other than having material stuff destroyed I don't regret becoming a Father.

I mean don't get me wrong, there is so much to it that there simply isn't room here. Work for one and see how you like it. Then go from there

I don't know I'm just not excited about being a dad. I've tried really hard to pretend I'm looking forward to it but my wife can tell I'm not. 

 

[Sunday21]

@Lee Hey there! I don’t know if this helps but ...a psychologist was explaining to me how psychologists know if you like something. Apparently they show people pictures and see I’d your pupils dilate. Anyway, he was telling me that men rarely have the same positive reaction to babies as women do..before the men have a child, then the men like children (or maybe only their child!) Just a thought.

 

[Sunday21]

@Jane_Doe Congrats on finishing up PhD! What type of jobs are you thinking of? 

[Overwatch]

1 hour ago, Lee said:

I don't know I'm just not excited about being a dad. I've tried really hard to pretend I'm looking forward to it but my wife can tell I'm not. 

 

Having posterity is a huge blessing but if you are not ready don't force yourself. It really is something that has to be done with you, your spouse and the Lord  C :   you will figure it out.

[Lee]

12 hours ago, Overwatch said:

Having posterity is a huge blessing but if you are not ready don't force yourself. It really is something that has to be done with you, your spouse and the Lord  C :   you will figure it out.

My wife is pregnant so I have posterity already

[Lee]

13 hours ago, Sunday21 said:

@Lee Hey there! I don’t know if this helps but ...a psychologist was explaining to me how psychologists know if you like something. Apparently they show people pictures and see I’d your pupils dilate. Anyway, he was telling me that men rarely have the same positive reaction to babies as women do..before the men have a child, then the men like children (or maybe only their child!) Just a thought.

 

yes I'm sure once he/she (hopefully he) are born i will love them.