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Backroads

But I don't want to go to the funeral.

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My aunt passed away today. I've never really cared for my her. I could relate to you a very nasty history of her behavior if anyone wishes. 

However, it sounds as if my mom (her sister) plans to take over the funeral arrangements. I haven't heard any plans of the date yet, but with the timing and everything, I fear it's going to be this weekend.

And I have a family vacation planned at this time. 

On one hand, my selfish, all-about-my-own-family, side says my family really needs this vacation. We need some togetherness. I want to go so far as to declare this a priority at this time.

On the other hand, it feels like if one can possibly attend a funeral, one should. To be supportive. Especially if my mother is taking it on herself.

Thoughts?

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Agree with @Jane_Doe.  I've gone to every funeral important to me, and many that weren't important to me, but I could support someone else.  I'm from a large family, one of like 30 cousins and two dozen aunts/uncles.  They all live in another state and I only am close to three of the whole clan.  The first aunt died - I thought about my next two decades of outliving a bunch of them - that's 15+ funerals.  15+ trips to Utah?  Just for funerals of people I remember fondly at Christmastime but haven't seen since the last funeral?  

Pretty easy decision for me.  Note of condolence to my uncle.  Reminisce and cry a bit with my wife.  Did not go to the funeral.   I'll go for 3 of the remaining ~42 of 'em, hopefully after a good healthy lifetime of talking to them on occasion. 

@Backroads, if you're looking for permission to not go and still be a good person, I hereby use my authority of "random anonymous guy on the internet" and grant you permission.

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It’s complicated. I’ve skipped the funeral of an uncle I barely knew and no one cared, but every family is different. 
 

No regrets on my part, but I’ve heard stories, heartbreaking ones, of people who skipped funerals and weddings and who regret it the rest of their lives. Same with those who barred relatives from attending funerals and weddings. 
 

Think very carefully @Backroads. You are still a young women, and you don't want to deal with regret your entire life

Edited by LDSGator

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20 minutes ago, LDSGator said:

It’s complicated. I’ve skipped the funeral of an uncle I barely knew and no one cared, but every family is different. 
 

No regrets on my part, but I’ve heard stories, heartbreaking ones, of people who skipped funerals and weddings and who regret it the rest of their lives. Same with those who barred relatives from attending funerals and weddings. 
 

Think very carefully @Backroads. You are still a young women, and you don't want to deal with regret your entire life

I'm mulling it over and letting inspiration guide, but it seems the honest truth is that I have been relationship-wise done with my aunt for probably close to two decades. I really feel that my quandry here is familiar support.

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@Backroads based on the title of your post, you stated already that you don't want to go. So is it because you resent your aunt, or because you really want to go to this vacation and you keep telling to yourself it is okay because she wasn't "nice"? (sorry if I sound like I'm psychoanalyzing)

 

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4 minutes ago, Backroads said:

I'm mulling it over and letting inspiration guide, but it seems the honest truth is that I have been relationship-wise done with my aunt for probably close to two decades. I really feel that my quandry here is familiar support.

Oh, I understand fully my friend. I have been done with several relatives as well, and when they die, well, let’s just say I won’t be out there lighting candles and singing hymns with everyone else. But everyone, and every family is different. 
 

Regardless, I’m praying for you and your family. Sending love your way. 

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9 minutes ago, Suzie said:

@Backroads based on the title of your post, you stated already that you don't want to go. So is it because you resent your aunt, or because you really want to go to this vacation and you keep telling to yourself it is okay because she wasn't "nice"? (sorry if I sound like I'm psychoanalyzing)

 

Please, psychoanalyze away as long as it's free. 

I don't know if I so much resent my aunt as I don't really feel anything towards her. She has emotionally and physically abused my cousins in the past, and has emotionally abused my parents as recently as last week. She was often nice, but she was a very selfish person. 

My case for going to the funeral would be:

1. It's family.

2. It's one of those things you do and I live close enough.

3. My parents may need support (though I do have other siblings)

 

My case for going on the vacation would be:

1. I really, truly believe this is something my own family needs right now for several reasons (as in, this would probably help our family, just not be a nice break)

2. It's something I've been looking forward to it for awhile.

3. It's paid for.

 

The obvious other option would be to urge my mom to schedule the funeral for before the weekend (don't know if that's possible) or anytime next week, but I don't know how appropriate that would be. 

On that note for a tangent, I'm also wondering why my mom's in charge of the funeral. My aunt does have children she was speaking with and one she was recently living with.

Edited by Backroads

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If you go to the funeral, then when you die, will you feel glad that you went to a non-favorite aunt's funeral and sacrificed your already-paid family vacation, thus setting an example of priorities for your children? Or will you rue the opportunity you missed to be with your own family in a time of need?

If you go on your vacation, then when you die, will you feel glad that you had that precious time together with husband and children instead of going to the funeral of an aunt that you weren't particularly close to? Or will you rue the opportunity to have taught your children that important family events like funerals of aunts sometimes outweigh other important family events like vacations?

Honestly, only you can decide, along with the inspiration of the Spirit. One choice is Good, the other is Better. Your mission, should you choose to accept it (and you have to accept it), is to figure out which is merely Good and which is Better.

Edited by Vort

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Well, if anyone cares, we wound up going on vacation instead, after some pondering and discussion. I don't think we were missed, per say, and honestly it wasn't a huge every-random-family-member ordeal. A viewing and a graveside service. Siblings, kids, and friends showed up. It was small, and my mom said it was very nice. 

As for my own little family, I really do think it was good we took the time away as planned. 

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22 hours ago, Backroads said:

 

Well, if anyone cares, we wound up going on vacation instead, after some pondering and discussion. I don't think we were missed, per say, and honestly it wasn't a huge every-random-family-member ordeal. A viewing and a graveside service. Siblings, kids, and friends showed up. It was small, and my mom said it was very nice. 

As for my own little family, I really do think it was good we took the time away as planned. 

 

We cared. That’s why we posted our thoughts about the matter. <3 

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On 5/18/2021 at 10:25 AM, Backroads said:

My aunt passed away today. I've never really cared for my her. I could relate to you a very nasty history of her behavior if anyone wishes. 

However, it sounds as if my mom (her sister) plans to take over the funeral arrangements. I haven't heard any plans of the date yet, but with the timing and everything, I fear it's going to be this weekend.

And I have a family vacation planned at this time. 

On one hand, my selfish, all-about-my-own-family, side says my family really needs this vacation. We need some togetherness. I want to go so far as to declare this a priority at this time.

On the other hand, it feels like if one can possibly attend a funeral, one should. To be supportive. Especially if my mother is taking it on herself.

Thoughts?

I do not enjoy funerals and I do not intend to attend my own.

 

The Traveler

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