John11111

Sadly I rarely do I am always afraid to say the wrong thing or not have a good enough answer and accidentally shed a bad light on our church. I know im actually missing a lot of oppurtunities to shed LIGHT on our church but thats just how I am hehe.

Yeah I would have had a similar reaction but I would have sold the laptop or gave it away wouldnt have shot it up.

The bishop and stake president are there for you when you are ready to seek forgiveness for whatever it is you have done. They will be there to help guide you and lead you through the repentance process when you are ready. They will know if disfellowship, excommunication, probation or something else is necessary to get you back on the path to salvation. The stake president and bishop have been wanting to meet with someone I know for a while now but he has not gone to see them yet nothing has happened to him. Keep in mind im sure that if he tried to do something he shouldnt while unworthy they would step forward and prevent it.

I will not allow my daughters to steady date untill after highschool as well. I know what steady dating can lead to from personal experience. Even though I was raised really well and had strong feelings of what was right and wrong steady dating can build strong feelings being young and not mature enough yet can lead to behavior which is only intended to be shared between married couples. Im all for letting my daughters date but not with the same guy. I believe it is our resposibility to guard our children and make it a point to know where they are and who they are with. I know it will be difficult but if I have to follow my girls around and install gps on there cars or phones to make sure they are where they say they will be I will do it. They may not like me for it but being a parent is not always about being liked lol. Ultimately it is on me for what happens to them while they live under my roof.

You can read the original post I made a year ago here it has all the details of what happened before http://www.lds.net/forums/marriage-relationship-advice/35561-hurt-scared-confused.html I understand now that there are multiple emotional needs that need to be bet in order for a relationship to stay healthy and though i was doing good with 4/5 of them i wasnt doing them all. My brother provided her with the missing need which led to the affair. I know im not to blame for it but I could have done more to prevent it had I known and would have. She did admit to me exactly that hes moved on and doesnt care for her anymore. It makes her angry to know about the other girls before her as well. For her it was an emotional bond that meant something. Knowing that she destroyed her marriage just to "add another notch to his belt" Made her feel worse. She said it was like trading in a treasured jewel for what seemed like something valuable then finding what she had traded for was just a dirty piece of garbage. I hope I dont have to wait years more for her to change and yes there are plenty of other women out there but I dont want other women I want my wife, the mother of my children, I love her dearly and she means the world to me. Incest are you serious? Are you sure im the one being naive here... please remember you are talking about my wife please be more respectful. I dont know what it is why exactly I have put up with so much or why I continue to fight. I honestly can only thank the lord for that. The lords words echo when I get doubts or lose hope. When I get negative feelings I try to think how the Lord would treat his wife? and I push on.

I have been through what you have and chose to stay with my wife as well. I will tell you now that it wont be easy but it can be done. Its been a year now since the 2nd affair and things are a lot better then they were before but it is still difficult for me. Also who was it that wanted to keep the information to yourselves? If it was husbands idea then I dont feel he is ready to start the repairing process. He needs to come clean and take repsonsibility for what he has done. People other then yourself need to know what happened so he can be held accountable or hes likely to repeat the behavior again in the future. I agree the marriagebuider site is a wonderful resource it has tons of helpful information and advice. Also some books they recommend His Needs Her Needs. A big part of getting through it was knowing why it happened. Seeing how it begins and how it can lead to an affair, knowing that your not alone. You both need to decide if you are BOTH willing to work on the marriage it will take both of you for it to work. I highly recommend marriage counseling and reading the above books and website you may feel like you dont need it or can make it through without it. I thought the same the 1st time around and it ending up happening again. I wish I had done it all the after the 1st time. I know it might be very very hard but you may need to make the 1st move and start meeting all his emotional needs and continue being a wonderul wife. Someone needs to break the vicious cycle or it will keep on going and nothing will ever get better. My wife was not excommunicated the 1st time which was almost a year long affair, she was put on probation but it had been over for almost a year. The 2nd time it had only happened one time I found out myself though and confronted her, she was disfellowshipped. The 2 instances were 3 years apart we have been married for 10 years now 2 kids. Also the only people who know of my wifes affair is myself our Bishop and the stake presidents counsil members her Mother who she told herself (her support) and my closest friend (for my support). Nobody else needs to know and it isnt anyone elses business. Im sorry you have to go through this I know your pain remember you are not alone. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. Keep Heavenly Father close and pray often without him I would not have made it through this.

Well we went to teh doctor again wed, we wnet in summer but her labs and everything were ok and she wasnt feeling depressed ro anything so nothing happened. They did more lab work again but we explained everything and how she feeling depressed again lately. The doctor says she may suffer from SAD which is seasonal affective disorder. We got her started on an anti-depressant. She been preety upset about having to be on medications but we hoping that she feels better but will be 2-4 weeks before we know for sure. We have a follow up appointment in 2 weeks so we have our fingers crossed.

OK so been reading all night and going through some of the sections we skipped on marriage builders ( we figured we covered it all in counseling and through our books) guess we were wrong and found this. "They are experiencing symptoms of withdrawal from the addiction they have to their lovers. As soon as a victimized spouse decides to stay married and struggle through reconciliation, he or she usually sets out to meet whatever needs the lover had been meeting. If it was sex, the spouse offers more and better sex. If it was affection, it's more affection. Both M.S. and R.J.'s wife were willing to do whatever it took to regain their wayward spouses' love. But it didn't work for either of them. That's because both of their husbands were in withdrawal. They were both addicted to their lovers and separation from them caused them to suffer from depression. That, in turn, made it almost impossible for their spouses to meet their emotional needs. So all of that love and care that was being extended to them was being wasted. Until they would recover from withdrawal, the efforts of their wives to please them will be very disappointing." It makes a lot of sense to me and matches what has been going on lately. Anyways I thought id share my reading for others who come across this situation in the future.

Well I went ahead with my idea of dispelling the good memories she had for my brother and well... Dont know if it was a great idea... I told her thr truth about things me and my brother have talked about since then the reasons behind it all etc. I told her about how he wasnt the nice kind person she has pictured in her head. He was the dark hearted guy who didnt care if he ruined the lives of 2 little girls or his brother or her. I told her he wasnt the honest caring guy she thought he was. He was a liar he had told her he had never had sex with anyone before her but he told me of 2 different girls he had slept with before. I told her about how 1/2 the reason he did what he did was to get back at me for abandoning him when we were in highschool getting married and moving out so young. I asked her if she thought someone who really cared about her would use her like that lie to her, if he really cared about her he woulda helped her to fix her marriage not destroy it. I told her I was not angry and not trying to be spiteful or vengeful but just trying to let her see the truth. Im well past all that stuff now and just want to help our relationship. She blew up after that saying she was angry, and frustrated, and lost, hurt, confused... sounds like me when I found out she was having the affair ... She went on to say she has everything she should ever want in life but was still unhappy. She felt worthless and like a failure and she couldnt get herself together. She in tears and saying she doesnt want to think anymore she just wants to be alone. She said she was gonna call her mom and go be with her for a while and just sit with her and cry. She doesnt know when she will be back... So yeah it seems I screwed up? Maybe she needed it? I didnt think she would be so upset over it especially if shes trying to repent and move on. To me it was a much deeper emotional bond then I think is appropriate to still have at this time. Im worried that I really messed things up and shoulda left it alone but at the same time im glad I see how strongly she was tied emotionally to him that cant be healthy for our relationship... Anyways ... I dunno now ... I feel like the bad guy... I know im not the bad guy im trying to do everything right just doesnt seem to matter.

I dunno thats whats so frustrating I dont know what to work on to make things better. I dont think its physical attraction im well groomed 6'2" 173 lbs she says she thinks of my physique like the David statue I guess thats what she says anyways lol. Ill try going through the emotional needs list again and reevaluate where we are could be things have changed.

cneve yes it was hard very hard especially the 1st time I cried a while I was angry I dont remember yelling. I was lost and confused I said hurtful things im sure the night isnt clear to me anymore just a swirl of emotions. The 2nd time I found out via a net nanny program I had on her computer I had a bad feeling again so reinstalled it and after a couple weeks I read about it when they were chatting online. The 2nd time I was furious I woke her up yelling at her to call her Mom to come pick her up and get out of the house. I didnt want to have anything more to do with her and was ready for a divorce. I yelled at her about how could she do this to her family break it up I got more angry at her at what our divorce would do to our daughters. I walked into the other room while she packed her stuff to go to her moms. Her mom got there and talked to me 1st and asked me what happened. I told her exactly what happened and that I didnt want her here at our home anymore. Her mom talked to her for a bit and then brought us together and mediated we were up all night long. We decided not to make any major decisions until we calmed down a bit more. After a lot of prayer and thinking it felt right for me work again at our marriage and stay together. I made that decision maybe a week later. After that things were amazing for like a month we made love everyday sometimes twice a day full of passion we talked a lot and made plans started counseling and met with the bishop. Bought all the books and started really working on fixing our marriage. All details are here if you wanna read it- http://www.lds.net/forums/marriage-relationship-advice/35561-hurt-scared-confused.html Seems I kept going and doing everything I could and she dropped off after a couple months and slowly improving. I agree I dont think she should have felt sad my brother got a girlfriend... to me thats saying she was waiting for him to come back to her again and start something else but hes moved on and she lost that. She said thats not how she felt and doesnt know why she is sad because of it and it hurts her to even have those feelings because she has someone so wonderful right in front of her.

Her needs are conversation, affection, family comitment, honesty, financial support in that order. Sunday mondays we talk 2-4 hours straight each night about everything, rest of the week I plan dates or activities that we can talk putting together puzzles, crafts, making deserts, board games etc usually is great for talking and we spend at minimum an hour doing that sometimes more. On top of that whenever she talks to me I make sure to stop whatever im doing turn around and focus on her so she knows im listening. As well as just through the day conversations we have about whatever. Affection I hug and kiss her and tell her I love her throughout the day, I buy her flowers frequently at least 1-2 times month if I notice her flowers are wilting ill make an effort to go pick her out some more. If I see her doing something I try to help or offer to help. I do anything for her give her backrubs, massage her feet, randomly do the dishes, or get up early to get the girls off to school so she can sleep in. I have a different schedule then her because of work so I usually go to bed a good 4-5 hours after she does on nights before work but I almost always go tuck her in and lay down with her and cuddle till she falls asleep. Family commitment well this one is easy my daughters are the world to me and I have never had any problems with family stuff. Honesty I dont hide anything from my wife except for negative feelings I get that pass after a bit. I try to be open and honest with my feelings without being judgemental or using the word "you" always I feel or I appreciate when. Financial support work 40 hours a week sometimes more family has everything they need she goes shopping regularly with me and can buy whatever she wants for the most part if its within reason. We dont have the biggest house or nicest car in the world but we would rather save for retirement and do without those things this has never been a problem. I know there is other needs but these are her top 5 and I guess I could always do more? Am I still not doing enough? When I ask her she says I am meeting all her needs. I ask her if there is anything more I could be doing or anything I should not be doing and says she doesnt know. Im not perfect who is? I like to think that im doing pretty good though but sometimes you need someone from outside to point out the flaws you dont see.

Another thing should I help to dispel the memories and thoughts shes having? Remind her that of the guilt, akwardness, loneliness she felt during the affairs? Dispel her image of my brother, that he was the person who was willing to destroy a family with children? He used her to get what he wanted only etc? Or should I just leave it alone and let the memories fade? I dunno if making her see the ugly side of him will help to rid her of the memories or just mess things up.

Its been a year since I found my wife had been cheating 2nd time with my brother. We got counseling, read the books, done the marriage builders etc. Im in a better place then I was, worked on my love busters/meeting my wifes needs. No longer bottle up emotions till I explode. Have mini dates about everyday-activities, puzzles, walks, eating out, crafts, shopping, etc. Checklist her needs and make sure theyre met. Things seemed to be well till 4 weeks ago I noticed a big change in her mood. 4 weeks ago my brother told me he had a girlfriend they have been dating a few weeks. I told my wife about it one day... bad idea maybe? didnt seem inappropriate to me..? I asked about her mood change and she said she was unhappy. She still loves my brother (contacts been very limited to family events I protect her every second during those). She still thinks/misses him everyday. When she found out he had a girlfriend it made her sad "hes moved on and doesnt care about her anymore".... This hurt a lot to hear but i just listened to her. She says she loves me and I have been doing so much for her this last year and even more so lately and that im trying so hard it makes her feel even worse.... She wants me to be happy, we have talked many times about what i needed from her to be happy. I need her to keep house in order, I need her to get spiritually healthy again. To take care of herself. Have 0 contact with my brother. I needed her to make sure my emotional needs were met as well this is the problem area. Sexual Fulfillment, Honesty and Openness, Domestic Support, Family commitment, physical attraction. My top 5 the last 3 she has done a wonderful job with and I have no complaints. I wish she was more open with me I have to pry things out of her with long conversations. Honesty is something I always worry about since my trust was broken. Sexual fulfilment is the other problem, I want to make love to my wife the more foreplay the better. I know its not realistic every day or even every other day. As it stands it happens maybe once every 2-3 weeks... when it does its more hurry up and get it over with then anything else... this is extremely frustrating. I have explained that to my wife but nothing changes. Im trying so hard to be supportive and the best husband I can be and my wife is still unhappy still thinking about my brother she struggles just to meet my needs... it has gotten better... slowly. Shouldnt it be the other way around? me struggling and her doing all she can to make me happy and get my trust/love back? So i guess I needed to vent a lil ask for any advice maybe some kind words or something. Im not ready to give up but I do feel a bit hopeless lately. Finding out about her feelings was a big blow.

I strongly doubt he married you just to have sex with you and be done with it. I was always told that getting married just to have sex then get a divorce when your done is just as bad if not worse then premarrital sex.(only to the one doing it for that reason and intent mind you) This does sound strange though, how long did the two of you date before you got married? How long have you known eachother? How was the relationship before you were married? I know we have a lot of pressure to get married quickly to avoid missteps. It is entirely possible he is a little weak willed and everyone telling him to marry you, get married, etc etc pushed him into it before he was ready. He wouldnt be the 1st person who made that mistake. Sorry you have to go through this it isnt easy like others have said though it's better earlier on not 2-4 years down the road with children. You WILL make it through regardless of the outcome and you will be stronger for it.

You can only change yourself, do everything in your power to show your wife love, go through the marriagebuilders site especially keep an eye on the love busters and the emotional needs. Do everything in your power to make sure you do your part. It will be hard very very hard you will often ask yourself why do all this for nothing in return? Unless someone breaks the cycle it will continue on and on. I thought I was doing all the right things and felt the victim also but until you look at what your really doing and what it is your wife really needs from you you will be blind to the reality that she is just as unhappy as you are. You say you could lose a few pounds maybe one of your wifes top needs is physical attraction? By denying her that it is the same as her denying you affectionate touch if it is one of her top needs. It may also be that financial security is low on the list of her needs providing it is nice for her but not what she needs. If after a few months she still doesnt come around then you may need to take more drastic measures pray for guidance in the end the choice can only be made by you and Heavenly Father. At least you will know that you gave it everything you had a marriage is between 2 partners 1 person alone can not make it work.

You can be forgiven it isnt over. Expect your husband to take it hard, if you have any kids still at home make sure they go to a babysitter or somewhere else for the day you chose to tell him. This is not gonna be easy at all, you need to have a strong commitment to make this work. Even then depending on what type fo person your husband is it may not be enough. I was willing to forgive my wife and work things out it hasnt been easy it still isnt easy but we both are commited and working on it every day. Our marriage now is in such a better place then it was before its still not perfect but I think we are stronger for it. If your not sure how to tell your husband talk to your bishop 1st explain to him everything and he will help counsil you on how to proceed. Marriage counseling is a must dont skip it, I also highly recommend the marriagebuilders site. They also have a forums that has a lot of people who have been through the same thing. His needs Her Needs book was also really helpful to me in understanding why it happened which was important to me. Also I dont think it was the husband fault at all either, she chose to make the wrong choice not him. Sure things may have not been great but that is no excuse at all period.

Its the Russel Paradox there is no right answer.

1% of the population makes massive amounts of money and everyone wants to force that top 1% to spread the wealth? Maybe im just confused? As much as I wouldnt mind having some of that wealth spread to me when does it stop? Im just trying to get a better understanding on whats going on and from what im reading it seems like the scenario I posted is what we are trying to do to the owners of the corporations? They make too much money so they need to share it? I wasnt replying to anyone in particular, im basically asking if the scenario I posted is what people are wanting in a simpler fashion.

So lemme get this straight, If I were to work my butt off because I wanted 4 cars, and A tv in all 4 of my bedrooms. My 3 neighbors should have the right to take 3 of my cars because they dont have there own? 3 of my tvs because they cant afford one themselves? So whats the point of working past a certain point? What incentive is there for growth? If everything I make from a certain point on goes to other people then why should I keep working? Maybe im just selfish and greedy? Or maybe I dont think its fair I have to share my hardearned money with people who are lazy... I know we aiming at the super rich powerful greedy people but when we start going down that road where does it stop?

If you are going to start wearing makeup or styling your hair better dont do it for anyone other then yourself. If it helps you feel better about yourself then go for it, if its bothersome or uncomfortable dont. We are counseled to take care of ourselves and our bodies they are a sacred gift from our heavenly father, I believe that people who chose to "let themselves go" sometimes forget this. Show respect for the gift we have been given. Just like we dont go to the temple and litter or make a mess of it, our bodies should be treated the same.

When you stop doing things that you did previously to make/keep yourself looking attractive/appealing.

Possible? Yes... however it is completly inapropriate and potentially disasterous.

Ash covered skies = not enough light for a rainbow, whether from nuclear war or volcanic eruptions or a meteor hitting the earth all are a possibility.

I dream every night, its usually one of reasons I sleep in dreams are so much fun like being in your own movie. My dream from last night was odd, we were traveling in a camper and were avoiding people driving like maniacs when we got to the road right near my old church building, the camper morphed into a horse drawn carriage but I didnt notice at the time. As we were now moving in the carriage the horse started to get spooked by a lady riding another horse waving a jump rope around, I was trying to calm the horse down and the lady kept waving the jump rope near the horse like a snake scaring it. We eventually veered into a room and were now on foot next to a closet inside the closet was a baby bear, I had my wife and daughters run away from the baby bear because if the mama bear was near it could be dangerous. We ran towards the church parking lot, my wife and I got seperated from our 2 girls they were alredy on the church parking lot playing near 2 more baby bears imitating them. We yelled at them to run away and stay far from the baby bears so the mother bear wouldnt hurt them. There were baby bears and mother bears all around us. I then ran to the fence seperating us from the church parking lot, and was helping my wife to climb over it when the dream ended due to the alarm clock going off.