classylady

I have to admit that Pres. Eyring’s talk has been an eye-opener. In my mind, whenever I heard the word nurture, my understanding was that it meant: to love, encourage, support, look after, strengthen. I would think of a mother hen hovering over her chicks and protecting them, helping them find food, etc. I admit I never focused on the teaching part of it. Though, when I think about it, as a full time mother, who spends the most time with the young children? So, where are they learning their speech and other behaviors from? It’s primarily the mother. As the children get a little older, in a traditional home, father also teaches. Much of this teaching from both mother and father is by example. In our home it has primarily been me that taught gospel principles. My husband just never seemed inclined to bring it up. He was supportive, but never really instigated gospel discussions. Same with FHE. If we held it, I instigated it, and taught the lesson. I truly wish my husband would have taken a stronger role—at least suggesting we hold FHE, and not leaving it all up to me. But, I do admit my husband was good about instigating family scripture study. Since reading Pres. Eyring’s talk, I’m not as upset with my hubby as I was. I probably should have been more consistent in holding FHE.

From what I understand the children will only be sealed once—to your ex-wife and their stepfather, (and yes, children can be sealed to a stepparent, as long as bio parent gives permission.) The important thing to remember is that even if they are sealed to the stepparent, that will never take away your importance of being their bio parent. You will always be their “dad.” I commend you for seeing the bigger picture of the importance of your children being sealed. They need this blessing. I believe in the eternities to come your children will be grateful to you and call you “blessed” for allowing them this important blessing. In the long run, it’s the blessing of being sealed that counts, not so much as to whom they are sealed.

Haven’t made plans for summer yet. But, in April my husband and I are taking our 14 year old granddaughter to London so she can visit her best friend. We will actually be in the Ipswich area for about two weeks. I’m really looking forward to this trip.

As a kid, I lived about 32 miles south west of Paradise. I remember Paradise as a pretty little town. This breaks my heart. Butte County is my old stomping grounds, where I was born, went to Elementary School, etc. It is very emotional for me to watch all the footage of the fire. I pray the fire will soon be out. Luckily, any family I have in northern Calif. all live in the Sacramento area.

Losing my father to death at an early age (I was 6 years old) sort of warped me. I won’t say I was warped in a bad way, but I experienced profound grief at such a critical age that it changed me. As a teenager, I felt old for my age. I couldn’t bring myself to do some of the things that my peers did. I knew I wasn’t invincible/immortal like many teens think. I knew I could die today or tomorrow. And, I knew that if I wanted to see and or be with my father again I needed to obey the commandments. At a young age I made up my mind that I wanted to “go to heaven.” At a young age I had faith in God and I learned later to have faith in Jesus Christ. According to Zil, (I think) my desire to “go to heaven” would be an Epic goal. I call it a commitment. And there are a lot of steps to reach that specific commitment. I have called those steps short term goals. Always, in the back of my mind, I have known what my end desire is. It is to obtain the highest degree of glory. I want that more than anything! I want to be with my loved ones whe have passed on before me. I miss my father. I miss my daughter. I miss my grandparents and my mother. What bothers me, is that I still fall short of some of my short term goals. I’m grateful for repentance. Because without repentance there wouldn’t be any hope for me. I truly wish I was like those in the Book of Mormon, when they were converted had no more desire to do evil, but to do good continually. Also, I want to add, that in my mind, a commitment is something you don’t give up on. It’s something that you don’t fall short on. A commitment is something that you will achieve.

Marriage can be hard, even when you are married to one you are “in love with”. That infatuation stage of love will only last for about two months to about two years. After that it should shift into the attachment stage. Some people crave that “rush” of the infatuation stage and will go from partner to partner looking for that rush and then move on when it’s over. If this is you, you need to do some deep thinking and introspection. Some therapy may be needed. That type of love won’t last in a marriage, and isn’t feasible. If you never had that feeling for your wife, all is not lost. You can develop the feeling of deep attachment, which is what most long last lasting marriages have. If you leave your current wife, what do you think will happen? If you remarry, you and your new wife will always have to deal with your ex. It is not easy to constantly have to coordinate schedules between two households. There is very little privacy and the new wife may dislike that. If your current wife gets custody you will have child support payments to make which may put a financial strain on your new marriage. This is often a source of contention of remarriages. Then there is the step-parent issue. I can’t remember if you have a son or daughter. If you have a daughter the step-mother/step-daughter relationship can be very difficult. There is almost always loyalty issues. Many remarriages fail because of the step-parent/step-child issues. The new wife often feels like a second-class citizen because her husband doesn’t know how to set appropriate boundaries between himself and his ex, and doesn’t enforce respect between his children and the new wife. I married a divorced man with children. I have done a lot of reading on the subject. We have been married over 37 years. If I had to do it over again, I would not have married a divorced man. It has been brutal! We love each other. But, love does not take away the issues in a remarriage. And, remarriages have more issues and baggage than a first marriage. It’s a fact of life. If you can make your first marriage work, do all that you can to salvage it. Divorce is not worth it! [Disclaimer: other than for abuse, adultery, or addiction]

I have often heard others say “Church is so boring. It’s the same lessons, time after time.” And, I think to myself I need those same lessons time after time. I need to be reminded of the importance of obeying the commandments. If I’m not reminded it would be so easy for me to start with: it won’t hurt if I shop on Sundays; tithing is so hard, I’m going to skip this month because I need Christmas money; a little flirtation with my co-worker won’t hurt; I’m going on a Sunday drive in the mountains instead of attending church, I can feel the Spirit that way; telling off-color jokes isn’t so bad; etc. The list can go on and on. There are so many ways the Spirit can leave us. I personally need to be reminded to choose to do right. I need to hear the message of being more Christlike. It isn’t a waste of time to be preaching to the choir. I’m in the choir and I need the preaching. Maybe, it’s because I’m just like the Israelites, who need the constant preaching and call to repentance. It would be so easy for me to slip and stop following the commandments. I hope it doesn’t sound like I think I’m perfect. I have so many weaknesses I need to improve on. That’s again why I need to be preached to.

I am very close to my extended family. On my mother’s side there are 56 first cousins. Some of my Aunts and Uncles had very large families. One Uncle had 14 children. Another Aunt had 12 kids. It was crazy (in a good way) when we got together for Thanksgiving. We would reserve the church and meet in the cultural hall. This was all in the Northern California area around Sacramento. I was sad to move to Utah away from my cousins. But, by moving to Utah, I then had the opportunity to now get better acquainted with my father’s side of the family. I have about 35 first cousins on my father’s side. I’m close to most of them, but I didn’t bond with them as closely as my other cousins. I wonder if it was because I was a little older. Or, perhaps it was because we were still some distance apart. We lived in Southern Utah and they all lived up north. After moving to Utah my mother would send me to stay with my aunts or uncles in Sacramento or Reno, NV for the summer. I loved staying with them. I never got homesick. I’m still very close and it has been hard to lose my aunts and uncles to death over the years. I grieve along with their children. I love FaceBook because it allows me a way to keep in contact with my extended family. It also allows a way for my cousin’s children to get to know me. At funerals, weddings, and reunions the younger generation know who I am because of FB. They aren’t afraid to come talk to their mother or father’s cousin because they know me through FB. I make positive comments on the photos thy share, etc. Some of them have come and stayed with me at my home. A little closer on the family tree, I have had different nephews live with me and my family for several months at a time. They know they are always welcome.

My daughter’s in-laws flew in from Korea last week. They all did a whirlwind tour of Utah’s five National Parks this past week. Mrs. In-law’s favorite was Bryce. She also liked the State Park Dead Horse Point. Mr. In-law’s favorite was Arches and Canyonlands. They were at our house for dinner last night on their way back to my daughter’s and son-in-law’s home. They told us Utah is “the treasure of the United States”. They loved the beautiful scenery and spectacular sunsets. I have lived in Utah since I was eleven years old. I visited Zion Nat’l Park almost on a yearly basis. Bryce, I’ve been to many times, but not as often as Zion. Capital Reef only a couple of times. Same with Arches. I had never been to Canyonlands until two years ago. It’s spectacular. I wish I had pushed to see it sooner. I will return, and this time either during the spring or autumn. We were there in August. I almost passed out due to the heat.

Loved both Beethoven’s Fifth and In the Hall of the Mountain King’s line drawings! Very clever. I’ve been working on Grieg’s “In the Hall of the Mountain King” for the piano this past year. It’s always been one of my favorite classical pieces. I’ve gotten discouraged trying to perfect it. No matter how many times I practice it, I can’t seem to get the song 100 percent. Of course, not being able to bring myself to play the piano for about fifteen years has greatly diminished my capabilities. I’m still trying to get my skills back. When I could emotionally bring myself to start playing again, nearly fifteen years after my daughter’s death, I am now playing one to three hours a day. It has become my therapist.

I wonder if the Hill Cumorah Pageant and the Manti Pageant will continue? Those are the only two I’m really familiar with, though I think I’ve heard of smaller pageants now and then. I can’t remember the names of any others.

@Grunt, when will you be in Utah? If you want someone to show you around my husband and I would be happy to do so. You can message me. My husband will be happy to talk to another Ham Radio Operator. He just passed his General last month. Now he’s studying for his Extra Class. He was so close to passing the Extra Class. He took it after his General test without studying for it and missed it by only a few questions.

Your above statement, “We have literally lived more than twice as long without plural marriage in the Church than we have with.” started me thinking about my family history. One of my maternal great grandmothers married her husband in 1888. She was the second wife. I was three years old in 1958 when she passed away. The first wife passed away that same year. My great grandfather had passed away prior to me being born. What this means is that some polygamist marriages, those performed before the Manifesto, were still functioning within my lifetime. I find this fascinating! It really is close to home. My grandparents have always spoken highly of their childhood and growing up with so many siblings. This particular great grandmother was also a child from a polygamist household. Her mother was the third wife. My great grandmother had this to say in her journal: “I am grateful for polygamy, which gave me such fine brothers and sisters... I am grateful that as a heritage it seemed easy for me to accept and live happily in polygamy as one of my Father’s numerous posterity. And I leave my testimony as to its power in developing Christian ideals of unselfishness and it’s marvelous experiencing of love and deep consideration of the feelings of others, which we must all learn if we are to gain the Eternal Salvation.” She further had this to say about her husband and his first wife: “l met xxxx in 1887. I thought him one of the finest, best-natured men who had ever come into my life. ...he wrote mother asking her consent for him to court me. ...we corresponded... My appreciation for him as a man of real worth, as the prospective father of the family I wanted to have grew. ... it was a period of secret and very difficult courtship for me. Polygamists were being hunted down and imprisoned daily, but it mattered little to those who believed in, and honored this sacred principle as had been taught us to do. Mrs. xxxx “(always called Polly) was very nice to me. Said she’d rather he’d marry me than any girl she knew — ‘though she didn’t see why he need choose one so pretty.’ “ Mr. xxxx “gave me every opportunity to really become acquainted with her, since I insisted this should be the basis upon which my consent to marry should rest. Every experience at that time served to convince me of the sincerity of purpose of this noble woman. It must have been a real trial in those and earlier days in our church for the women in Mormondom to share their husbands, thus making possible the marriage of many girls who otherwise might never have known the joys of motherhood with such fine men as Bro. Xxxx type to be fathers to large families. My tribute to “Aunt Polly”, as we always called her, is one of true sincerity. She has always been wonderful to me throughout our long acquaintance and companionship”... This is what Mrs. Xxxx (first wife) had to say: “At this peak of our prosperity my husband was prompted to take a second wife. It seemed a noble thing for him to do, especially when it was almost certain to result in a term in the State prison. ... I am sure that my convictions in the soundness of the principle would have enabled me to suppress every urge to jealousy...”. One of our family stories is where Mrs. Xxxx made a beautiful dress for my great grandmother to wear during their courtship. I have many family histories where the practice of polygamy was noble and inspired. I’m very grateful for the rich heritage I have and I’m proud of this heritage.

I remember JudoMinja. I miss her posts.

You don’t need another wife, you need a live-in maid/housekeeper, like Alice from the “Brady Bunch.” That would solve the day-to-day problems. My ancestry is from good polygamist pioneer stock on both my paternal and maternal sides of the family. It has been interesting to read some of their journals. Most polygamist families lived in separate households. So, depending on how many wives you had, you would be responsible for building/buying each wife her separate house. If each wife had five children or more, think of how many pairs of shoes, clothes, braces for their teeth, food, etc. that you would have to provide? I have one ancestor, I can’t remember how many wives he had, I know he had at least three, but if he bought a large sack of beans he would have to count the beans when he was dividing it, so each household received the same amount, or there would be complaints. And those wives would make sure no one wife was favored. Not fun in my opinion. My maternal great grandfather married two sisters. They did live in the same house, but each sister had her separate living quarters. They were very close and helped each other out, much like in your scenarios. But, I don’t think that was the norm. I think of the ancient harems of the kings, and how the wives would kill the babies of the other wives so their child would some day be the rightful heir. Not pretty. I grew up in Southern Utah and have met a number of “lost boys,” young men who have been disenfranchised from their closed polygamist communities, because there are not enough women for them to marry. Most of the girls are married off to the older patriarchs in the community. My son just built a home last year in St. George, and the builders (two brothers) were from a small polygamist community, and were pretty much kicked out after a certain age. This is very common. The builders subcontracted out the framing and other jobs to polygamist groups. It was very interesting. During the St. George Parade of Homes I volunteered at my son’s house. Many polygamist families came through to see the end result of their labors. The women, dressed in their long skirts, and long hair, had cell phones just like any woman these days, and were taking photos on their phones just like any other woman. It was interesting. I’m a people watcher and enjoy watching others.

I’m old school, but I consider the term lady to be a compliment. I really really hope lady doesn’t become a “dirty” word. I deliberately chose “Classylady” as my screen name because I consider being a lady and having some class as being the type of person I want to be. One of the nicest compliments I received was back in my 20’s and I was told by several young men (Elders in my mission) that I had class. I took that as a compliment, and I put that with lady - one who is “refined, polite, and well-spoken” to hopefully portray the type of person I aspire to be. I fall short at times, but my screen name reminds me to always be Christlike. These days it seems that young women have no desire to be a “lady” or have “class”. Why has this fallen into disfavor? I simply don’t understand it.

To fill in the time I usually spend on FaceBook (I’m fasting from FaceBook this week), I have been doing logic problems. I probably am not using my extra time as wisely as I should. 😇

For me, the hardest thing to do will be no FaceBook. That’s how I stay in touch with my married children and keep up with my grandchildren. I don’t think I overuse FaceBook. I usually skim through it several times a day. It’s also how I know what’s happening with my neighbors and ward members. I had the opportunity to minister to one of my inactive neighbors last week. They posted on FaceBook that their car wasn’t working and they had no way to get their boys to the bus stop for the military academy their boys attend. I was able to help by driving the boys and picking them up on Thursday and Friday. I hope they don’t need help this week because I won’t know unless I’m contacted directly.

I’m hoping to have more time to work on family history. I just pray that I, personally, will make good use of that time and not disappoint my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ by squandering it. I have good intentions. I will need to be on guard to stay on top of my good intentions and remain committed.

I’m accepting President Nelson’s request to the sisters to give up social media for 10 days. I know what that will entail for me—FaceBook, and some of my online games I play. How about you?

I’m the better baker. I love to bake cookies, cakes, breads, etc. My grandfather owned a bakery in Elk Grove, CA and I must have inherited his love for baking. As a child I loved the smells when visiting the bakery and loved watching him and other family members make cakes and decorating them for birthdays and weddings. I make a great pot roast with potatoes and carrots. I also make yummy lasagna and enchiladas. My husband doesn’t care for casseroles so I don’t make many of those, but I love them. Our family favorite that all the kids love is our beef roast or turkey with mashed potatoes and gravy. When it comes to mashed potatoes and gravy my husband and I are a team. I wash and peel the potatoes. Husband cuts them up and mashes them when done. He makes the gravy. I assist with the stirring. We always make the potatoes and gravy for our family get togethers. My oldest daughter’s in-laws from Korea are coming over to the States later this month. She asked us to cook a roast and make our mashed potatoes and gravy for them. We are happy to oblige.

For people who know me, they find it definitely out of character that I would actually be a moderator on a website. Haha. One of my quirks lately is I have a fascination with watching flight simulations of airplane crashes. You Tube happily notifies me of any new videos that are out, and I can’t seem to help myself, but watch the grizzly scenes. It’s amazing how real these videos seem.

I may have gone to Red Lobster, once, but I’m not sure. If I have it was a long time ago.

I’ve never had cheddar bay biscuits. They sound delicious. But, I am now in the mood for homemade biscuits fresh from the oven. I think I’ll go make some.😁

I would definitely be cautious about marrying a twice divorced person. Hopefully, her character speaks for her, and she is an honest, hard-working, spiritual, loving woman. I married a divorced man who had custody of his two young (2 and 4 year old) children. He was/is a wonderful man. But, I admit, if I knew then what I know now I would not have married him. It has been extremely difficult! There is no privacy. All vacations had to be coordinated between us and the ex. Financially it was hard. His ex refused to pay any child support even though her income was equal to my husband’s. Whenever my husband asked her to be financially responsible, she would threaten to go to court to get custody of the kids. Thus, there was very little security. We were always fearful she would do this. For special family functions such as birthdays, baptisms, etc. the ex will be there. When there are kids involved the ex will always be a factor, and it’s hard to be a nuclear family. A blended family is not the same as a first marriage family. No matter how much you want it to be, and try for a normal family, there are always the interruptions, phone calls, etc. from the ex. Boundaries are important to be set up between the spouse and the ex so misunderstandings are limited. And then there is the stepchild and stepparent relationship. There can be loyalty issues. Usually there are problems between stepdaughters and stepmothers. My stepdaughter, even though she is now 40, has hangups and loyalty issues with me. I could have been a perfect stepparent, and she would still have issues with me. It is what it is. We are civil to one another. I love her, but the feeling isn’t reciprocated. I’ve had to disengage so I’m not so emotionally devastated. Stepparent and stepchild issues is one of the big factors of divorce in remarriage. And, the biospouse needs to support and include the new spouse in the decisions about visitation, etc. As a stepparent every interaction with the stepchildren was scrutinized. My mother-in-law was traumatized by her stepfather and watched my every move with her grandchildren. She came to love and appreciate me, even telling my husband that I have been a blessing in their lives. But, it was rough those first few years until I gained her trust. One Sunday there was a woman at church who told me that she was watching me how I disciplined my stepson who was misbehaving by teasing the baby. She told me I did wonderfully, treating my stepson lovingly, like I would my own child. It was a reminder that as a stepparent, I was being scrutinized and judged without even realizing it. And then there are the times when the marriage relationship is going through a rough patch. All marriages have their ups and downs, but in a remarriage there are added insecurities. I’ve read where a remarriage can be classified as a “special needs” marriage/relationship. As with any marriage, love needs to be communicated, but a remarriage often times has to deal with the extra insecurities, such as “am I second choice?” Is our relationship as meaningful as the first, such as “been there done that” and not as exciting? Is the relationship between husband and wife strong, so as spouse is dealing with ex, which needs to be done on occasion because of the kids, there are no loyalty issues? These can be some of the extra issues spouses have in dealing with a remarriage. That’s why the divorce rate is higher with second and subsequent marriages. It isn’t easy!