Misshalfway

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Everything posted by Misshalfway

  1. No. It's not "wrong". It's normal to be ambivalent about love. I mean now is the time to do it. Marriage is long prospect. Best to be sure you chose the situation that is best for you. I think it would only cross into "wrong-ness" if you lie to one girl and make her think she's your one and only. Not that I think you should make your feelings known. It's ok to boundary your feelings. I'm just saying don't misrepresent yourself.
  2. Let your heart not be troubled, neither let it be afraid. Ok? I was the one in my marriage that wanted to leave the church. And my husband has handled it like a champ. He didn't over react. And he didn't judge me. In fact, on more than one occasion he told me he trusted me. That one thing reinforced me more than anything. Knowing he trusted that I was still a good person and that he knew I'd find the path way of truth because he knew who I really was. What a gift he gave me! I look back on those years now as some of the most important of my life...and the life of my marriage. Husband and me...gosh we had some great conversations. We didn't care so much about agreeing. We just tried to practice seeing things from the other's point of view. And that really helped. It made it safe to explore or even get things wrong in front of each other. It felt so safe to be able to trust my husband to know I didn't believe in God or that I didn't trust the priesthood in the church or that I didn't understand if Jesus knew my name. All of it passed and resolved over time. And I felt God walk with me through the whole thing and received more than one witness that it was part of God's plan for my life to experience all of it. But to have my very orthodox, conservative husband walk with me through it to helped me feel so loved and so much less afraid. And I tried to do the same for him. To be there when he talked about how hard it was to be married to someone who might leave the church or to think about the scary alterations that something like that would bring. I look back now and I wonder if part of the reason it all happened was to teach the both of us how to love more. Pretty cool, eh? And I really cherish all the building that those experiences gave to my marriage. Priceless.
  3. Hm. What happens when you talk to your husband about your feelings? I mean the discomfort with being in groups alone and wishing you had a little support. What if his attendance had nothing to do with church. What if he was just there to be your hero man and make his woman feel supported? ( I've watched a lot of professional sports for this very reason. :) ) If he won't go, or if he's not ready, I'm sure he'd love the feeling of knowing you are ok with his needs. I don't know. Maybe you take turns finding ways to support each other.
  4. Well, if your heart is in the right place and you are sincere, who cares if you get repetitive. God gives me breath every day. Should I apologize for thanking him every day?
  5. I'm sorry. But this assessment feels rather one dimensional to me. I appreciate the idea that one little breeze of anti mormon sentiment shouldn't topple a strong testimony, but we can't know what happens in peoples hearts. We can't know their experiences and what leads one to an experience with doubt. I look back at my life in the church and I now appreciate so very much my experiences with doubt and disillusionment. They were necessary building blocks and I'm a better person for it. And now after having some experience with this stuff, it hurts me to feel such judgments from other members. Other members who may have looked at my experience at some unstable moment in time and completely misunderstood what God may have been doing with me.
  6. Well, I don't know exactly what you are going through Priesthoodpower, and I can't know what you wife is feeling, but I don't think submission is a good thing in any case. That sort of reaction seems like a way to stop the conflict and maybe placate the situation into feeling peaceful and supportive when it truly may not be. What I mean is that "being submissive" could actually be rather dishonest and defensive. And that just decreases the trust in the relationship. I'd rather see the two people listen more and seek to understand each other more in empathetic ways. I know I tend to do better when my partner listens to my feelings, my concerns, and even my disillusionment in non-reactive ways. And when I feel deeply understood and supported, I know I get less defensive and feel more willing to reciprocate in supportive ways. If I feel judged, I don't do as well. Are you like that? I don't know what it is about your wife's new parenting that is alarming you, but you are still married and she is still obligated to negotiate parenting practices with you. I don't see a problem with you sharing your concerns/fears,etc. Hopefully she can adjust to meet your needs. Of course if you harbor fears and resentments without talking or your approach feels like an attack....well, you'll probably experience more disconnection. And that will be crappy.
  7. Is it a gift? Like a spiritual gift? Like a talent that some have and some don't? I don't know. Maybe some lucky ones get to come to earth with a little more knowing about the love of God than the rest. But I don't think feeling the love of God is some exclusive thing that is only given to the "special ones." I think God gives His love in abundance to all of His children. I think it comes it tons of diverse ways and in ways that are obvious and ways that are harder to see. The trick isn't achieving super specialness so that you can feel it. The trick is using gratitude and other higher ways so the scales drop from our eyes and so God's love becomes clear. At least that's what I think.
  8. Yeah...brains do stuff like this, sweets. It's all good, even if it doesn't feel like it. Remember why we are here on earth. We are here to have an experience with the flesh and to learn to bridle and master it. As far as I can tell, your natural man is doing exactly what it was designed to do -- offer you a choice. :) Remember it's not what the brain thinks that is the problem. It's how we react to it. We can react in fear, or react in indulgence, or panick and judge ourselves harshly, or mind read God, or do a shame spiral when we can't maintain psychological or emotional perfection. If you ask me, all that feels like a big waste of energy and a method that really isn't that effective. I'm pretty sure that's what satan wants us to do though. Panic cause we are human and beat the crap out of ourselves and drown ourselves in shame and perfectionism and be all sorts of distracted and preoccupied so we miss all the opportunities to choose the higher ways. It's so tempting to fear our imperfections or our biological humanness. And it's so tempting to fear that God is disappointed or as ruthless as we are with ourselves. But see if you can rise above it. Try trusting your higher self instead. Trust that bridling is doable. And trust that bridling is all that is required. And you are already doing that! So trust in the evidence of your goodness that is showing itself as obviously as the natural man thoughts. And then get back to practicing love and enjoying life.
  9. Ok. So you may have had trouble in kindergarten. All I can think to say is .... So what? I mean, what if it was true? What would that mean?
  10. Hello "Newbie". It must have been so difficult for you to experience your wife's concerns with testimony. Probably felt like the earth was shifting under your feet as she suddenly seems like a different person and as you grapple with how to handle this inside your mind and inside your relationship. Had you interviewed me earlier in my life, an experience like this might have scared the pants of me. But now, I see these experiences as really important opportunities. Opportunities to strengthen the marital bond, opportunities to learn how to use "trials" to grow and expand in wisdom and love, and huge opportunities for God to provide individual tutorials. If I had any advice for you, it would be to exercise faith. This is perhaps just some spiritual weather....like a wind storm that blows around a lot. And my guess is that the intensity will most likely die down in time. Have faith in that beautiful person you met and married. Have faith in who she is and in her inner strength to weather storms like this. Next, practice bridling your inner protestor! Instead, listen to her feelings. Get curious. Allow her to talk it out and be her soft place to fall. Seek to understand without judgment. Can you do that? Listen without judgment? That ought to challenge you. :) When fear fills our minds, its like mud on the windshield and we end up in crazy panicked swerving if we're not careful. Use the spirit of love and peace and a faith-filled willingness to slow down your emotional reactions and anchor your responses. Remember the vision of the tree of life? Remember how those who hold tight to the rod still experience the mists of darkness? That's all this is. Just a little mist of darkness. And yeah, it's scary. But remember what perfect love does. It's casts out all that fear. Lean instead on trusting yourself, your wife, your God, and in trusting that earth life is suppose to stretch us in these ways. My experience is that fighting processes like this creates unnecessary pain and suffering. Submitting with a teachable spirit brings growth. Best wishes to you as you figure this out. Misshalfway.
  11. I can't count how many people I've heard say "I want 12". Then they have 1 and suddenly they are only having 3. I'm in my 40's and the thought of starting a family at this time in my life scares me to death! I couldn't do it. I needed my youth to tackle all the baby years. But everyone's life is different and everyone makes their choices. I know a couple who did marry late into their 30's and now they are mid forties with 3 tiny kids. They say "we're catching up" but they are happy and it's working for them...even though they are really tired. :) I know that I don't agree with the hollywood family planning model, but I'm not sure I want my kids getting married at 20 either. I jokingly tell my kids that I'll hurt them if they get engaged before the age of 25.
  12. I bet this bishopric is a very loving group and I give them credit for good intentions. There's no doubt in my heart that they are trying to help. But I think we all see that their method is flawed. It's easier to preach the principles of agency and faith but harder to live it. I'm a parent with a teenaged boy who is struggling. He may not choose to serve a mission. The situation has forced me to come to terms with my own fears and my own inclinations to pressure. It's like a trying to figure my way through a maze hoping that my tactical decisions won't create more problems. It's so hard to let go when you love so much! I guess the good news is that we DO have agency even though others try to control all the outcomes. We can say "no" and "no thank you" and "I'll think about that." Hard to do it without residual resentments creeping in. I usually need a good vent before I can let all the urked feelings go. I love it, Wind, that you see through all of it. I love it that you are supporting your son and that you are protective of his agency. Sounds like what Heavenly Father would do.
  13. I don't think anyone ends up with "no consequences" after a divorce regardless of the situation. But it's hard when we see someone we love devastated by the choices of another. We get angry and we want there to be some sort of punishment. Sounds like that's the case here. And yes, the church does offer counseling and often the church helps pay for it too. But the church can't make anyone go to counseling. The church can't make people save their marriages if they don't want to. I am interested, though, in your descriptions of this wife. It sounds like she wasn't your favorite person and that you blame her the problems in the marriage. You apparently don't agree that your cousin "always had to be right" and "didn't listen to her feelings". If that is in fact true and your cousin is a saint and this woman really is as disturbed as you describe, then didn't she do him a favor?
  14. But do you think you'd feel the same about your own death?
  15. In America, it's not about satan. It's about CANDY!! I just want to make that clear. This clip should explain it all.
  16. I don't know what happened to you. Whatever it was, it sounds like it's really shaken your testimony. I had something happen to me once. A stake president said some hurtful things at a time when I was really in need of help. I was young and idealistic at the time. It didn't occur to me that Stake presidents would ever behave in such a way. As I look back on it, the stake president really was doing the best he could at the time. I've wondered if he ever regretted that visit with me. I remember one time seeing him years later. He starred at me for a really long time. It was almost as if he was trying to get the courage to apologize to me. It sounds like you recognize the humanness in this situation and that you even had the person try to correct the mistake! I'm sorry that effort didn't stop the fall out that seems to still be effecting you. That makes it harder to get over. I only have one remedy for these situations. And that is forgiveness. It's natural to feel a sense of disillusionment after an experience like this. But don't harbor the bitterness. Don't fan the flames of your outrage. Stuff like this happens. We all get hurt and we all hurt each other. What else can we do but forgive? I guess I don't know anything that heals better.
  17. Well, it sounds like even though you know you have trust issues, that you are actually very attracted to the social opportunities in the church. It sounds like you really want to get involved and feel wanted, but that you are afraid you'll trust and end up getting hurt again. I wish I could promise you that being in the church would be a perfectly safe situation and that you'll never get hurt again. I can't. But that doesn't mean that the church and it's social structure still isn't a really good place for you. It could be a place you could heal. I don't know. What I do know is that you aren't alone. Many have been through hard things where they were profoundly hurt or betrayed. And many are compassionate and understanding. It's hard, though, even with the best recommendations, to trust when you have been so badly hurt. It's hard to act when our insides are trying so hard to keep us safe. It sounds to me like you'd be rather social now if it hadn't been for your history. Am I getting that right? I guess you'll just have to decide if staying completely safe is worth it. I've been through some hurtful betrayals and sometimes its still really hard for me to do social interactions. But I've also noticed that staying isolated isn't so great either. I've had to learn how to balance what I can do with what I can't. If big parties are hard, then I opt for connections with a few friends. If one on ones are hard ( i hate going to lunch for example), I've chosen bigger parties where I can blend in more. It's ok to move forward with caution as you try to find a strategy that works for you. And it's ok to respect the limits of your trauma. But don't always trust your caution as the wisest advice. Sometimes staying safe isn't the best thing. It keeps us stuck. Have you ever considered that you might have some post traumatic stress symptoms? I guess I'm wondering if doing some therapy might help. It could, at the very least, help you understand yourself, develop adaptive coping skills, and maybe even help you clear the trust issues all together. I don't know. Just an idea. One more question, if you didn't find your trust issues interfering with things, would you have any other concerns about joining the church?
  18. Well, if it was anything like the death we experience here, I'd imagine the emotions would vary. When my grandmother learned she would most likely die within the week, she told the family to get her Taco Bell no matter what her Dr. said. :) She wasn't afraid or sad or anything like that. She was rather happy to get on with it. When I think about being in the pre earth life, I imagine being jealous that my older brother got to go first. I'm pretty sure he butted in line.
  19. Hi Carlimac. What this woman is doing isn't about you. It's about her and her fears. What is about you is your reaction to her. I guess I tend to believe that what "bothers" us in others is a reflection of something going on inside of us. Which isn't that weird. It happens to all of us! All of us get bugged by other humans regardless of whether or not they have NPD or any other ailment of character. It happens on this forum every day. And it's ok. We need it to happen. I tend to believe that these irksome interactions, while difficult and often triggering, are an opportunity in disguise. So what if you are "giving your power away" or that maybe this woman is just annoying. Either way, it's an opportunity. The trick is getting curious instead of furious. :) There is always a lesson to be learned, and it's usually a lesson about love. These painful crazy people that come into our lives and ruffle our feathers.....they are teachers in disguise. I always know that if I'm judging them that I'm probably ceasing to love. I guess I wonder what it would be like if you met this woman exactly as she is, doing exactly what see is doing, with compassion instead of judgment or with curiosity instead of fear of being judged? Would it change anything?
  20. Hi Eman. Sounds like you are really frustrated and in a lot of pain. And it sounds like your wife is in a lot of pain too, although she may not know how to show it to you without using accusations, verbal attacks, and punishment. It sounds like it really hurts you to see her pain and that even though you can't feel good about having another child, you really do at your heart of hearts want to make her happy. Am I getting that right? It's so hard to reach out to our partners when we are in pain. It's like our pain is competing to be the most important thing. And then we do stuff like blame and attack or stonewall and withdraw because we don't know what else to do....or we do but we aren't safe enough to soften with each other. For you, it sounds particularly difficult because your feelings aren't being heard or considered. And when you try to share them, you are judged and punished. This sounds like a very painful situation and I think you are very wise to hold on the question about having another child. I'm wondering to if your wife is feeling so much pain that she is trying to use the baby to fill the hole. It's just a guess but when we aren't getting our attachment needs met in marriage, most of us go somewhere else for comfort. And having a baby and getting all that oxytocin (bonding hormone) tends to give us the sensation that we are loved and connected. Wondering if your wife is seeking this but doesn't know it. Chances are it's just easier to blame you than to really face or feel the pain, loneliness, etc. than tell you about it or risk letting you close enough to see it. Good luck. I hope you find some therapy or that both of you soften enough to at least consider doing so.
  21. 1) Ok. I'm not sure I see it exactly that way, but I see your point. Our behaviors certainly can disqualify us from blessings and separate us from God. But access to all God would give us is about more than that I think. The temple is a good example. Access is restricted. Not because people are sinful necessarily but because God requires more so he can bless with more. Maybe it would be more appropriate to say access is conditional. 2) Yeah, I get that. I appreciated your answer to her. I made my comment imagining a very specific hypothetical scenario. I didn't do so well at clarifying that. Sorry.
  22. Yeah... I can see I need to clarify. I jumped in with that comment sort of hard and fast without much explanation about my headspace. I'm not saying that people who use porn are bad. I'm not saying that people who use porn even have a problem with it. I have no idea if the OP's friend looked at porn once or if he has a serious compulsive problem. I was just thinking that loving people is so important and certainly fundamental to making the world a better place. But such doesn't require us to forgo proper discernment, discretion, and potentially necessary boundary setting. The OP asked how she could love her friend. I guess I wanted to add this wrinkle to the discussion. The Lord loves everyone but he doesn't change his commandments/restrictions/limitations based on popular opinion or whether or not someone's feelings are hurt. If my daughter doesn't want to date a porn addict, it's ok. It isn't mean or judgmental to act in ones best self interest. Please understand I'm not suggesting any sort of overreaction. Such isn't loving or healing or helpful. What I am saying is that it's ok to set some boundaries if necessary. Loving people doesn't necessarily mean that we should trust them. I know many who have struggled with minor and serious problems in this regard. Most are really good people who are easy to love. Others are well....confused and kinda scary. All deserve love, belonging, and respect. But not all should be trusted. Some less than others certainly. And while I don't equate porn use with being a rapist.... sadly, I don't think that my concerns are that far fetched. My son was exposed to porn for the first time from his friends...the boys who live in our neighborhood, who come from good LDS families, and who often clean out my pantry on Friday afternoons. Are they good boys? Sure. Do I trust their judgment all the time? Nope. Do I think they need guidance and supervision and limits? You bet your bippy.
  23. Well, I lost my keys, tripped my toe on the curb, had part of my tooth chip off, and called my client the wrong name. I think I need one of those Canadian frozen lemonades and a good dentist. :)
  24. Maybe I wasn't clear Beefche. I wasn't agreeing that sealings weren't joyful. Do you get that?