Misshalfway

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  1. Like
    Misshalfway got a reaction from Blackmarch in Can there be free will while God knows all things?   
    Well, I'm a parent and I can know that if my kid doesn't fill the gas tank, he'll be stranded on the side of the road. But that doesn't mean I have to go fill the tank for him. I can let him learn. I can warn him. Not sure God's position is any different.
  2. Like
    Misshalfway got a reaction from Blackmarch in Can there be free will while God knows all things?   
    Well, I'm a parent and I can know that if my kid doesn't fill the gas tank, he'll be stranded on the side of the road. But that doesn't mean I have to go fill the tank for him. I can let him learn. I can warn him. Not sure God's position is any different.
  3. Like
    Misshalfway got a reaction from kapikui in Adultery preferable to pornography?   
    I was studying today for my lesson and found a few CS Lewis quotes. I thought this was appropriate since we are talking about dealing with lust.
    “Strictly speaking, there are no such things as good and bad impulses. Think...of a piano. It has not got two kinds of notes on it, the 'right' notes and the 'wrong' ones. Every single note is right at one time and wrong at another. The Moral Law is not any one instinct or set of instincts: it is something which makes a kind of tune (the tune we call goodness or right conduct) by directing the instincts.”
    ― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
    What do you think about this idea?
  4. Like
    Misshalfway got a reaction from char713 in Adultery preferable to pornography?   
    I get it.
    In reality, it's all painful! But I think this sentiment comes from feeling exquisit pain and wishing your lot were different.
    And I think I can understand because there is a difference between having something hard and fast hit you, and dealing with something as long term and insidious as compulsive porn use. At least with adultery, it's a clean break and I can focus on picking up the pieces and making needful decisions. With porn use, you are lied to constantly. You are always questioning what is real. You are being manipulated and pressured. Intimate relations are hard and difficult on every level. There is constant fear and repetitive trauma. And often people (bishops included) blame the spouse and pressure them into more loss of self in the name of forgiveness.
    I've often thought that drug addiction would be easier than sex addiction. At least, you'd know when the person was high! And at least others would understand what you were going through. On second thought though, I wouldn't want that experience either.
  5. Like
    Misshalfway got a reaction from Treble.clef in Need to confess to priesthood authority?   
    I'm surprised when I hear people say "don't tell your wife."  It's so interesting.  Would all of you who answered this way feel the same if your spouse had done this to you?
     
    I guess I just really don't agree.  It feels like such a garden of eden move.  "Hurry!  Put on fig leaves and hide."
     
     
    If I charged up the credit card, should I do the same thing?  don't tell husband.  Just secretly pay it off.  Don't let him know.  If I drink a little Schnopp's on the company trip while I"m out of town, just don't tell.
     
    If I were the wife, I can't tell what would hurt more.  The affair or the lie.
     
     
    I'll ask the original poster.  So Nate.  If you're wife did this, would you wanna know?  
  6. Like
    Misshalfway got a reaction from Honor in My wife has decided to leave the church.   
    I'm sorry.  But this assessment feels rather one dimensional to me.  I appreciate the idea that one little breeze of anti mormon sentiment shouldn't topple a strong testimony, but we can't know what happens in peoples hearts.  We can't know their experiences and what leads one to an experience with doubt.  
     
    I look back at my life in the church and I now appreciate so very much my experiences with doubt and disillusionment.  They were necessary building blocks and I'm a better person for it.  And now after having some experience with this stuff, it hurts me to feel such judgments from other members.  Other members who may have looked at my experience at some unstable moment in time and completely misunderstood what God may have been doing with me.
  7. Like
    Misshalfway got a reaction from Jane_Doe in How to move on - A one sided divorce   
    It hurts me a little to hear you blame yourself so intensely.  Not that it isn't good to take responsibility and not that it's not normal for what you are going through now, but it just seems like there was a lot more going on that just your hurtful reactions.
     
    I mean  when you are in a marriage with porn addiction hiding in the undercurrents, it's hard to know how to react.  You know something is wrong....that something hurts...that you don't feel loved or safe.  But you don't know what it is.  Stuff comes out your mouth before you've really got a hold of what it all means and what the enemy really is.  And then the truth of his addiction comes out and of course your defenses are going to go up!  It's like learning your house is on fire and you are stuck inside.  And somehow you are expected to be calm and supportive? I mean you can't do that until you feel safe again.  Right?  I mean did he ever try to make you safe or was he so focused on his own needs in those early days?  Yeah...maybe you could have handled it better but give yourself a little compassion. 
     
    And let me say this, at least in my experience, men who struggle with porn also tend to struggle with distorted and exaggerated fears about rejection and expectations about being loved.  Wives are not suppose to have feelings or needs.   She's suppose to be there for him.  Period.   So when she has her own struggles or gets hurt by his behavior...he experiences a narcissistic wound of sorts and the resentment builds.  It's like she becomes objectified as having all the responsibility for his needs/comfort, etc, and therefore his scapegoat when things do go perfectly.  Going to therapy sounds good, but if he was trying to use that as another way to blame you or control to make you into object, I can see why your insides might have resisted.
     
     If any of this was going on with you two, it would make sense why resentments would resurface and why he couldn't forgive you. That distorted thinking doesn't allow for mistakes or repairs.  It doesn't allow for the other person to learn, grow, or regroup with better information. It's absolute.  Once you blow it, it's over.  He sees the weakness and withdraws his love.  Just like he did to himself when he saw his own weakness.  And just like he might do with the next person.
     
    I have no idea if what I've offered is relevant to your situation, but whatever happened, I'm sorry he wasn't able to empathize with what you went through...see how his behavior might have contributed to your pain or imbalanced reactions.  And I'm sorry he couldn't forgive you.  It sounds like you've tried everything humanly possible to make things better.  May angels attend you as your mourn this loss. But gosh...you don't have kids and you are 28!  You have your whole life ahead of you.  It's probably so hard to see the hope but maybe this divorce is a blessing.  I think good things will come to you.
  8. Like
    Misshalfway got a reaction from Jane_Doe in How to move on - A one sided divorce   
    It hurts me a little to hear you blame yourself so intensely.  Not that it isn't good to take responsibility and not that it's not normal for what you are going through now, but it just seems like there was a lot more going on that just your hurtful reactions.
     
    I mean  when you are in a marriage with porn addiction hiding in the undercurrents, it's hard to know how to react.  You know something is wrong....that something hurts...that you don't feel loved or safe.  But you don't know what it is.  Stuff comes out your mouth before you've really got a hold of what it all means and what the enemy really is.  And then the truth of his addiction comes out and of course your defenses are going to go up!  It's like learning your house is on fire and you are stuck inside.  And somehow you are expected to be calm and supportive? I mean you can't do that until you feel safe again.  Right?  I mean did he ever try to make you safe or was he so focused on his own needs in those early days?  Yeah...maybe you could have handled it better but give yourself a little compassion. 
     
    And let me say this, at least in my experience, men who struggle with porn also tend to struggle with distorted and exaggerated fears about rejection and expectations about being loved.  Wives are not suppose to have feelings or needs.   She's suppose to be there for him.  Period.   So when she has her own struggles or gets hurt by his behavior...he experiences a narcissistic wound of sorts and the resentment builds.  It's like she becomes objectified as having all the responsibility for his needs/comfort, etc, and therefore his scapegoat when things do go perfectly.  Going to therapy sounds good, but if he was trying to use that as another way to blame you or control to make you into object, I can see why your insides might have resisted.
     
     If any of this was going on with you two, it would make sense why resentments would resurface and why he couldn't forgive you. That distorted thinking doesn't allow for mistakes or repairs.  It doesn't allow for the other person to learn, grow, or regroup with better information. It's absolute.  Once you blow it, it's over.  He sees the weakness and withdraws his love.  Just like he did to himself when he saw his own weakness.  And just like he might do with the next person.
     
    I have no idea if what I've offered is relevant to your situation, but whatever happened, I'm sorry he wasn't able to empathize with what you went through...see how his behavior might have contributed to your pain or imbalanced reactions.  And I'm sorry he couldn't forgive you.  It sounds like you've tried everything humanly possible to make things better.  May angels attend you as your mourn this loss. But gosh...you don't have kids and you are 28!  You have your whole life ahead of you.  It's probably so hard to see the hope but maybe this divorce is a blessing.  I think good things will come to you.
  9. Like
    Misshalfway got a reaction from Vort in What was your favourite gift this year?   
    Here you go, Vort.

  10. Like
    Misshalfway reacted to unixknight in How to move on - A one sided divorce   
    A couple of observations that may or may not be of any help at all, from a guy who's been divorced and for whom some of what the OP said rings familiar...
     
    It seems like the husband has done an absolutely thorough job of convincing her that all of the problems are ultimately her fault.  He's probably either convinced himself of this as well, or is using it to shield himself from having to look honestly at his own failings. The divorce threat seems to have been used as a lever, or perhaps a club.   It's entirely possible that he's just a jerk, or it may be that these manipulations have arisen as a coping mechanism for something she's done.  I'm not talking about the "I don't love you" thing at the beginning.  This kind of pattern comes from a long history of issues, not one singular moment. If he's truly given up, then it's over.  If, on the other hand, he moved back with mom & dad just to prove he means business, then it might be that the divorce  threat mallet quit being so effective and so he had to up the ante.  If that's the case, then he hasn't given up, he just wants some concession or another that she's unable/unwilling to provide.  That concession may or may not be a reasonable one. divorcedat28:Thing is, and this is just my useless advice... You're in a no-win scenario, my friend.  Right now, your "victory condition" is to get him to get back together with you, and you've said you're willing to do anything to make that happen.  What that means is that even if you get what you want, you'll be living with a man who has demonstrated a willingness to manipulate you through the threat of divorce.  You give him what he wants, he does you the "favor" of staying married to you.  You cross him, and out comes the divorce card.
     
    It may be that he's had a history of living with a person suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, because the type of manipulations he seems to be using against you are typical side effects of being exposed to such a person for an extended period of time.  Perhaps a previous relationship, or a parent in his life had NPD and he's been damaged by it.  I used to be guilty of acting like that myself before I realized what I was doing and stopped.  My first wife had a severe case of NPD and I've observed some of the same side effects in our kids.  Fortunately for me, my current wife was very understanding of my issues as I was working them out, and we're very strong together now.
     
    If you have any chance at all of saving that marriage, then you need to be able to reunite with him with an equal level of "power" in the marriage.  If I'm right about his having dealt with an NPD sufferer, then he's going to need counseling most likely as well.  He mustn't be able to hold the divorce threat over you to get you to do what he wants.  Period.  Living under the Sword of Damocles is no way to having a healthy and fulfilling marriage, no matter how well you might be able to cope with the issues involved.  So either he needs to learn not to manipulate you in this way, or you need to be ready to call his bluff if he threatens divorce again.
  11. Like
    Misshalfway reacted to Crypto in Caring for the poor and needy   
    Actually I don't think it really matters too much whether it is done organizationally, or individually.
    I do think that individual responsibility is given to the individual regardless of which method is used.
  12. Like
    Misshalfway reacted to Palerider in Need a Nudge, not Advice   
    Nudge....
    I am very surprised this Bishop called you out like that in front of people. I don't get it.
  13. Like
    Misshalfway reacted to Bini in Need a Nudge, not Advice   
    Don't accept.
     
    You can forgive but that doesn't mean you must continue or pursue further contact with that person.
  14. Like
    Misshalfway reacted to Jane_Doe in Need a Nudge, not Advice   
    I 100% agree with your assessment of the situation up until the LinkedIn part.  
     
    Do you need to forgive this man?  Yes, for you own sake (which is why God tells us to forgive).  Holding a grudge and is like drinking a poison: it only hurts you and the other person doesn't even notice.  
     
    Do you need to accept his LinkedIn invite?  Nope, you never have to accept anyone's invite.
  15. Like
    Misshalfway reacted to mdfxdb in Need a Nudge, not Advice   
    I wouldn't accept it.  Is he a potential business associate?  No reason to accept it.  I know you think you are trying to make the right decision here.  You can forgive without accepting the Linkedin invite.   You can leave the badness in the past by deciding to do so.  Believe me he didn't send the linkedin invite hoping you would accept and forgive.  
  16. Like
    Misshalfway reacted to estradling75 in Stuck in between a rock and a hard place.   
    No... and yes.   Putting God first is clearly correct.  However to many people hide their own selfish desires under the cloak of God's Will.  Note what God says about husband's relationships with their wives.
     
    Ephesians 5
     25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
     
    Please note the command does not require you wife to be of the same faith as you before you do it.  Love her like God loves her, Like Christ loves her, up to giving yourself up for her.
     
    Thus God himself is saying your wife is a high priority.. do not forget that.
     
    As for your kids...  Some kids seem to get all the breaks, and have parents that do everything 'right' and they still fall away.  Other kids seem to have everything stacked against them and they pull it together any ways.   There is no magical sequence of church activity that guarantees they will not fall away.
     
    However your personal example is huge...  Are you going to be a Christ-like priesthood holder who treats their mother with respect, dignity, love and honor no matter what she does (or at least strive to).  Or are they going to see a guy who used them as a weapon and a pretext in his battles with their mom?  There are of course many other paths you can take in dealing with your wife and kids... but your personal example in this matter will far out weight church attendance or other activity that you think might be important for them in helping them choose the right.
  17. Like
    Misshalfway reacted to Jane_Doe in "No thank you, Mom"   
    My mother gets into the laundry because she walks into the room I'm staying (while I'm gone), opens up the closed suitcases, and takes them from there.  Many times I've explained to her that she doesn't need to do this, and that it upsets me when she does.  But she never seems to listen, and says "It's no big deal, I was going to do laundry anyways", and does it the minute I turn my back.  The stuff in the suitcase is clothes for our trip and I intend to wash rewash when I get home (we live in different states).
     
    I've tried being understanding: I have a daughter myself and understand wanting to be involved.  Being involved is partially her love language, so are constant unwanted gifts, and advice (yes, I know this is totally a emotional-first-world-problem).  While my mom is very loving, she is also co-dependent and has literally has no idea what do when not uber-stressing about helping someone else.  
     
    I am 30 years old, married, have a kid, MS degree, finically independent, and even own my house-- I can't think of any more external mark of adulthood I could display.  I try work with my mom do need my space to be an adult (the laundry one of many examples).  And I just can't seem to get it....
     
    LiteratePara, thanks for the book recommendation, I'll be sure to check it out.
  18. Like
    Misshalfway reacted to james12 in "No thank you, Mom"   
    My mother is also one who wants to be involved to the extreme. I remember an incident after my mission. She would pick up the mail and open items addressed to me. I asked her not too but she felt it was her right as my mother. It blew up when she opened my bank statement. I clearly told her it was my mail and she was not to open it. She was extremely hurt for a few days and refused to talk to me even though I tried to talk with her. Finally after a time she just started talking to me again. No apology, but I never had the problem again.  
     
    It was a tough situation. If there is a way to reason with her in a rational conversation and get the message across by all means do it. But with some people and situations it seems they will not accept this. 
  19. Like
    Misshalfway got a reaction from Maureen in What was your favourite gift this year?   
    My 10 year old painted a poster sized picture of me and her together holding hands.  It was astonishingly beautiful.  Maybe it's because she is budding as a little artist, or maybe I could feel the emotion she used to paint it. All I know is that tears flowed out of my eyes as I took it all in.
     
    Best present ever because it came right from her tender little heart into mine.  
  20. Like
    Misshalfway got a reaction from Vort in What was your favourite gift this year?   
    Here you go, Vort.

  21. Like
    Misshalfway got a reaction from Jane_Doe in "No thank you, Mom"   
    Coming from a kid who got ignored a lot from my mother, I'd have given anything for a mother who fussed a bit over my welfare.  Just the argument of "Ma!  Stop it." Makes me jealous.  
     
    I had some visiting teachers a while back who were both experiencing their first tastes of empty nest.  One was talking about how her daughter had a new baby and didn't want mom to hover because she wanted to prove to mom she could do it herself. This woman felt rejected and excluded and it was a really hard transition. 
     
    Now that I'm a mom and my kids are bringing home girlfriends and I'm thinking about losing my first in a year, who knows.  I might just be fussing over his laundry when he gets home from his mission.  Silly.  But I think I get it.
  22. Like
    Misshalfway got a reaction from Maureen in What was your favourite gift this year?   
    My 10 year old painted a poster sized picture of me and her together holding hands.  It was astonishingly beautiful.  Maybe it's because she is budding as a little artist, or maybe I could feel the emotion she used to paint it. All I know is that tears flowed out of my eyes as I took it all in.
     
    Best present ever because it came right from her tender little heart into mine.  
  23. Like
    Misshalfway got a reaction from Backroads in "No thank you, Mom"   
    Yeah...you can set boundaries.  But my guess is that it won't turn out the way you want.  Not that you shouldn't set them.  Just that I think something more fundamental is in play.  So maybe ask a different question like....
     
    ....What attachment need is your mother trying to fill?  to feel needed? valued?  What is her fundamental fear if she loses this access to your "laundry"?  If you can figure out the answer, perhaps you can help give your mother the reassurance she needs and then her pressured helping behaviors might naturally relax.
     
    I think setting boundaries is important but my feeling is that we miss other important components of the process when we set them.  And then we end up frustrated and confused.  It's like we say "Here's my boundary!  Respect it!  It's the most important thing to me.  Forget about you."  Then the other one feels the hurt but stays fighting for something more fundamentally important to them.  Attachment needs are survival.  We fight for these just like we fight to breath.  So, while you are saying no....it'd be cool if you could add some comment like "mom, I love what you give me.  You've taught me selfless service.  I need some independence but I don't want to lose you.  You are so important to me."  Get my drift?  You are saying my boundaries are important but you are important to me too.  Comfort the attachment need and the defenses relax.  BUT you have to understand her first.  So get curious instead of furious.  I mean maybe this is the time in your life where you realize more about the humanness of your mother ....and if you have the courage, perhaps you'll be willing to learn how to love her without requiring her to change first.  That's harder work that requires more selflessness but it's actually gives birth to sweeter interactions and more peaceful interactions than stark boundary setting alone.
  24. Like
    Misshalfway reacted to pam in Is BYU Football really that bad?   
    Perhaps then we need to change the women's basketball uniforms to put sleeves on them. Perhaps we need to make sure that all the ballet costumes from the BYU ballet program has sleeves. There are some activities that sleeveless is appropriate.
    When you compare BYU cheerleaders to cheerleaders from other universities who wear some of the skimpiest uniforms seen..I'm proud that BYU cheerleaders maintain modesty in their uniforms.
  25. Like
    Misshalfway reacted to Suzie in "No thank you, Mom"   
    Hi Jane_Doe :) Are you a mom? And no, I am not asking this to make you feel like you do not understand or anything, but perhaps empathize a little bit about how some moms can be sometimes. Your mom sounds Italian or Jewish and that's a deadly combo, I know first-hand.
     
    It sounds like she misses you, I do not have grown children so I cannot relate much but I can relate at the fact that as a mom, we always want to be involved in our children's lives no matter their age and as moms, we always think we know better even when many times perhaps we do not. You're really blessed to have a mom so interested in spending time with you.
     
    Having said that all, there are limits and should be respected. Did you have a heart-to-heart conversation with her and explained how you feel?