In need of some clean humor!

[omega0401]

My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular “Ask Jeeves” site, and we told her it could answer any question she had. Nancy’s mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, “It’s true, mom. Think of something to ask it.”

As I sat with my fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy’s mother thought for a minute, then responded, “How is Aunt Helen feeling?”

[Moksha]

[pam]

Three guys found themselves in Hades: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4', dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, 'Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity with this woman!' And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, 'Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity with this woman!' And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

'Cindy, you have sinned ... '

[pam]

The other boys hanging out at the local grocer's think Junior's a touch slow. To prove it, they offer him a choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior says, "No sir, you see if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

[jameslentz]

two hats hanging on a wall....one says to the other "you stay here....i'll go on ahead"

[ferretrunner]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"

[ferretrunner]

There was a Blonde and her husband.

One morning the husband leaves for work and the blonde gets up. She's determined to prove to her husband that blondes arn't dumb, by painting the kitchen.

When her husband gets home he says to his wife "Honey why do you have 3 coats on?"

The blonde says, "Well the directions on the paint said to use three coats for best results."

[ferretrunner]

A. What do you get when you cross...

A banana with a red silk dress? A pink slip.

A canary with a mole? A miner bird.

A cat with a lemon? A sourpuss.

A chicken with a bell? An alarm cluck.

A dog with a cantaloupe? A melon-collie baby.

A dog with a chicken? A hen that lays pooched eggs.

A dog with a daisy? A collie-flower.

A dove with a high chair? A stool pigeon.

A duck with a steamroller? A flat duck.

A fawn with a hornet? Bambee.

A ham with a karate expert? Pork chops.

A hedghog and a snake? Two yards of barbed wire.

A hummingbird with a doorbell? A humdinger.

[pam]

The elderly man was at home, upstairs dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking.

He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.

With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.

As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

"Why?" he whispered, "Why did you do that?"

"They're for the funeral," she replied.

[pam]

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, want to play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

[Mahone]

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, want to play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

*ahem* In the defense of us blokes, while women may communicate their feelings, it would be highly appreciated if we didn't have to learn an entire new counterintuitive language, spoken solely by women, in order to interprete said feelings *ducks and runs*

[pam]

Here's a great message to leave on your voicemail.

'I am not available right now, but

Thank you for caring enough to call.

I am making some changes in my life.

Please leave a message after the

Beep. If I do not return your call,

You are one of the changes.'

[pam]

A man is telling a friend about his recent divorce.

"Yeah, she divorced me for her religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn't have any."

[omega0401]

A little girl asked her mother whether all fairy tales began with “Once upon a time.”

“No,” replied the mother. “Today, most of them begin with ‘If I’m elected.’”

[omega0401]

Here's a renewed batch of computer (windoze?) error messages.

1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

4. Hit any key to continue ... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.

7. Bad command or file name! Bad! Bad Command! Go stand in the corner.

8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

19. WinErr 16547: Printer Port not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

20. User Error: Replace user.

21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...

23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?

24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

[thews]

Things right now in my life seem to be a crazy mess. I am so stressed that I can hardly sleep at night...............................so I am wondering if anyone has any funny stories to tell that might cheer me and everyone else up? In desperate need of some laughter...............oh and please keep it clean!

Watch some Brian Regan stand up DVD's... he's squeaky clean and a riot.

[pam]

This happened about 6 months ago on Louisiana Hwy 57, just outside ofDulac, a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana , and while itsounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

An Ohio businessman, Saul Rubins, abandoned his disabled vehicle on theside of the road, and attempted to hitchhike.. The night was pitch darkinthe middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. Itwas raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly, through the sheets of rain, he saw a car moving slowly,approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silentlycrept toward him and stopped.. Desperately needing a ride, Saul jumped in the car and closed the door. Only then did he realize that there was no one behind the wheel and no sound of an engine to be heard over therain.

Again the car crept silently forward and Saul was terrified, too scaredtothink of jumping out and running..

He saw that the car was approaching asharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray andbeg

for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and intothebayou and he would then drown!

But just before the curve, a shadowy hand appeared at the driver'swindow,reached in and turned the steering wheel , guiding the car safely aroundthe bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through thewindowand Saul ; wasalone again.

Paralyzed with fear, Saul watched the hand reappear every time theyreached a curve.

Finally, scared nearly to death, Saul had all he couldtake, jumped out of the car, and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into Schmoopy's. Voice quavering, he orderedtwocups of coffee, black, and then told everybody about his supernaturalexperience.

The room became silent and everybody got goose bumps when they realizedSaul was telling the truth (and not just somedrunk).

About 30 minuteslater two Cajuns,dripping wet, walked into Schmoopy's and one says tothe other,"Look, Boudreaux, ders dat idiot what rode in our car when we wuz pushin' it in the rain!!!"

[skippy740]

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, April 2009, Sydney University and scientists released the results

of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens),

and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!

[pam]

Groan

[ferretrunner]

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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One day there was a rabbit and a snake who were both growing old and could not remember what animal they were.

"OK I'll describe you and then see if you can guess what you are." said the snake.

"That's a good idea." said the rabbit.

"You are white, fluffy, and you have big ears and feet." said the snake.

"Oh good, I'm a rabbit! So the rabbit says, "You are long, slim, and have a forked tongue."

"Oh NO, I'm a lawyer!

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Three guys had to cross a lake. The first one prayed to God for the strength, he swam across the lake, but almost died 5 times.

The second guy prayed to God for the strength and the tools, he made a boat, and rowed himself across the lake, he almost died 3 times.

The third guy prayed to God for the strength, the tools, and the brains. He turned into a girl, walked 4 yards, and crossed the bridge.

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Great Advice to Pass on to Your Daughters

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal...

[pam]

An alien walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure thing, coming right up."

He gets the alien a tall mug of coffee, and the alien drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air, and blasts it with the shotgun, then walks out.

Four days later, the alien returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Buddy, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were in here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

The alien says, "Me in training for executive management job. Drink coffee, shoot the crap and disappear for a few days."

[pam]

A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."

[Jamie123]

An abbot, a mother superior and a novice are sitting together in a boat, fishing. Suddenly the abbot says:

"Drat! I forgot to bring the sandwiches!"

So he gets out of the boat and walks across the water to his abbey on the shore and fetches the sandwiches. As soon as they start eating, the mother superior says:

"Drat! I forgot to bring the lemonade!"

So she climbs out of the boat and walks across the lake to her convent on the other side of the lake and returns with a jug of lemonade. When they have finished eating, the abbot realizes he's also forgotten to bring the thermos of coffee. So he turns to the novice and says:

"Go and fetch the coffee Cedric, there's a good lad."

So the novice climbs out of the boat and immediately sinks. The mother superior looks reprovingly at the abbot and says:

"Now why didn't you tell him about the stepping stones?"

[Jenamarie]

Not a joke, but you might like this blog:

My First Fail: Adorable Funny Baby Photos

[Guest]

That's How the Fight Started

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,

And I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,

And I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My Goodness!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...