Dating while trying to be worthy?

[moocow]

My boyfriend and I can't seem to stay worthy long enough to get recommends. But we don't want to just get married civilly because that's more of a cop out. Because yes, a year after a civil marriage you can get married in the temple. But there's no real "repentance" when you can have sex every day without guilt, you know? This has been going on for like 2 years. We've been dating for 3 years. We just can't stay worthy for more than like 6 months. For the past year and 3 months we've only messed up 3 times with "petting". but i mean, we've never gotten our temple recommends because we were waiting for a year for something else. Doesn't it seem hard to postpone marriage for worthiness while being extremely tempted with someone you have been dating 3 years? Does anyone know what it's like? How can we just freaking stop sinning so that finally we can just get married like we've wanted to all along?!!! It's like doubly hard. An uphill battle, it feels like. BTW, I've gone to my bishop quickly for each of these offenses. And I pray every night and read scriptures and such.

Bonus question: Is it possible to run out of second chances? Cuz I've been to my bishop a lot since I keep repeating my offense. Although I am getting better overall. Will it ever get to a point when I will no longer be eligible for eternal life and those things? I'm 22.

[bytor2112]

My boyfriend and I can't seem to stay worthy long enough to get recommends. But we don't want to just get married civilly because that's more of a cop out. Because yes, a year after a civil marriage you can get married in the temple. But there's no real "repentance" when you can have sex every day without guilt, you know? This has been going on for like 2 years. We've been dating for 3 years. We just can't stay worthy for more than like 6 months. For the past year and 3 months we've only messed up 3 times with "petting". but i mean, we've never gotten our temple recommends because we were waiting for a year for something else. Doesn't it seem hard to postpone marriage for worthiness while being extremely tempted with someone you have been dating 3 years? Does anyone know what it's like? How can we just freaking stop sinning so that finally we can just get married like we've wanted to all along?!!! It's like doubly hard. An uphill battle, it feels like. BTW, I've gone to my bishop quickly for each of these offenses. And I pray every night and read scriptures and such.

Bonus question: Is it possible to run out of second chances? Cuz I've been to my bishop a lot since I keep repeating my offense. Although I am getting better overall. Will it ever get to a point when I will no longer be eligible for eternal life and those things? I'm 22.

Moocow,

If I were your Bishop I would advise you to break it off with your boyfriend. At some point in time you have to ask yourself what is most important, your eternal salvation or your relationship with your boyfriend.

Repentance is about having a might change of heart.....about becoming the kind of person who would never have committed these sins to begin with....it is having God like sorrow and a broken heart and contrite spirit.

If you really want to be a disciple of Christ....then you need to make some smart choices. If you can't live without this guy.....group date and never be alone with him or just get married.

[Ivy64]

This is my problem. This is why I want to be civally married first. BUT I know we will go to the temple. You gotta pray about it darlin'...

[Palerider]

If I were your Bishop you would not like my response to this.....

[Ivy64]

Also, if you can't become worthy over thsoe many years what makes you think you would a year after you are civially married? Especially since marriage usually makes us complacent or we are no long on our "best" behavior...

[georgia2]

It all comes down to which is more important.

Sex now or the temple? If it's sex. then quit being so silly and get married. At least it wouldn't be a asin anymore. And you WILL repent before you go to the temple. If yo don't then you won't go. It seems to yo now that it is silly. That you won't be really sorry, but as time goes on and the weight and realization that you went against what HEvenly Father wants for you, you will begin to see the seriousness and want to truly repent and be clean again. Don't prolong the day of repentance. If you can't gain self control. it is better to get married now.

[AELK]

Consider this... a year from now you could be still trying to make yourself worthy to go to the temple and probably keep going through what you are going through right now... or a year from now you could have been married for a year and be able to go to the temple.

If you have already been intimate with this person, just get married.

Because the line has been crossed, it will be difficult to not go there. I understand this. It is much easier to just stay a virgin and then get married, because once you have it, it makes you want it even more, so abstaining is more difficult if you have gone there already.

Quit beating yourself up over the past. Set eternal goals with your spouse based on what you can do from this point forward. The longer you wait to marry, the longer your babies have to wait to get here. It is a worthy goal to want to be married in the temple. You can have it in a year from now, if you get married.

[Repentant1]

I can totally relate to your dilemma. I dated my high school sweetheart for 4 years before we got married in the temple. When we started dating, she was a non-member and I was inactive, and we had been having sex for quite a while. I always knew I wanted to marry in the temple. And I had some pretty heavy family expectations of temple marriage too that added to the pressure. I repented and she started taking discussions, and I ended up baptizing her with our goal of a temple marriage one year later. Let me tell you, that was one extremely tough year! I'll be honest; we slipped up a few times too. But we both repented and worked harder to be worthy. The last time we slipped up, our Bishop, who was also a pretty close family friend, told us point blank, knock it off or he would have us disfellowshipped. That got our attention, and we were able to hold out and were finally married in the temple. Thinking back on all that, I'm glad we were determined enough to be able to get married in the temple first, but in the end, we would have ultimately gotten married in the temple a year after a civil marriage anyway. For me it really came down to family pressures and "doing the right thing". If you can strengthen yourselves, set your boundaries and are determined enough, you'll reach your goal. But you have to be honest with yourselves. If you honestly don't think you can abstain that long, then simply get married. It's better to get married civilly and then go to the temple after you've repented a year later, than to continue struggling like you are. I wish you the best, regardless of your decision.

[Moksha]

This is my problem. This is why I want to be civally married first. BUT I know we will go to the temple. You gotta pray about it darlin'...

This makes sense. It breaks the goal into smaller increments so they are attainable.

[Guest Alana]

But we don't want to just get married civilly because that's more of a cop out. Because yes, a year after a civil marriage you can get married in the temple. But there's no real "repentance" when you can have sex every day without guilt, you know?

I totally disagree. It is easier to repent when you are doing the right thing, not repeating the same sins. Repentance is so much more than only not doing the sin. Not having sex for a year is going to be so much easier than fully repenting. In fact, if you were to not have sex for a year, I'd be surprised if you were able to get a recommend at that time. The process of repentance for something as major as this can be a long process. There will be suffering equal to the severity of the sin. It isn't only about being sorry and stopping. The two of you being in a cycle of repeated sin most likely indicated that you haven't experienced a complete change of heart, or fully repented.

I see it as three options.

1.Get married

2.Stay together and keep 'slipping' up

3.Limit your time together and on an individual basis work on being temple worthy

Staying together and working on being temple worthy isn't an option because it is the same as #2.

[FunkyTown]

Alana's right on this.

Honestly, go to LDS.net and look at the last CES broadcast. Watch it - It mentions this specific thing: "Those who think that marrying and then going to the temple are an option, well... The data just doesn't support that."

If you leave him, you might find someone better - But you'd have to commit to fully leave him and not look back and wonder 'What if' since that wouldn't be fair to your future husband.

[hordak]

If you leave him, you might find someone better - But you'd have to commit to fully leave him and not look back and wonder 'What if' since that wouldn't be fair to your future husband.

Why would she leave him? the only "problem" he has (indicated in the post) is that he has sex with her. That would be as much her problem as his.

[FunkyTown]

Why would she leave him? the only "problem" he has (indicated in the post) is that he has sex with her. That would be as much her problem as his.

Because if she doesn't leave him, she will be tempted and, as she has shown in the past, this is a temptation she can't overcome. By committing fully to leaving him, she would be able to remove that temptation. "If thy right eye offend thee, cut it out"(Matthew 5:29) and "Lead us not in to temptation."(Matthew 6:13) fit in this circumstance.

It's hard enough for someone to make the decision to leave someone they love, but if the temple is the goal, then that's the answer. Historically, relationships like these don't work out. And everyone thinks their relationship is the different one.

[Wingnut]

Repentance isn't repentance when you keep repeating the same sin over and over again. Either get married or break up altogether.

[hordak]

Because if she doesn't leave him, she will be tempted and, as she has shown in the past, this is a temptation she can't overcome. By committing fully to leaving him, she would be able to remove that temptation. "If thy right eye offend thee, cut it out"(Matthew 5:29) and "Lead us not in to temptation."(Matthew 6:13) fit in this circumstance.

It's hard enough for someone to make the decision to leave someone they love, but if the temple is the goal, then that's the answer. Historically, relationships like these don't work out. And everyone thinks their relationship is the different one.

I don't wish to misconstrue what you are saying but....

It seems to me you think that the temple part is more import then the who part when it comes to marriage?

You know with over a 50% divorce rate in the states i have never heard premarital sex used as a correlation to the divorce rate. Shacking up yes. Premarital sex no.

12 Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.

Enduring temptation seems to be a bigger part of the gospel then avoiding it.

[FunkyTown]

I don't wish to misconstrue what you are saying but....

It seems to me you think that the temple part is more import then the who part when it comes to marriage?

You know with over a 50% divorce rate in the states i have never heard premarital sex used as a correlation to the divorce rate. Shacking up yes. Premarital sex no.

12 Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.

Enduring temptation seems to be a bigger part of the gospel then avoiding it.

And there -is- a trial, Hordak: Is she willing to give up what she loves?

I'm not saying she has to. I'm saying that, if she wants to go to the temple, she should stop the relationship because if she doesn't then the chances are she won't go. That's straight from a General Authority(For proof: See the last CES broadcast on LDS.net). If you disagree, take it up with the Presidency rather than me.

[beefche]

I wonder what her bishop would/is advising. I would think his counsel and instructions are far more vital and important than a bunch of strangers on this board. Or even more important than what she wants/feels/thinks she should do. He is her shepherd and judge.

[ceeboos_boss]

I wonder what her bishop would/is advising. I would think his counsel and instructions are far more vital and important than a bunch of strangers on this board. Or even more important than what she wants/feels/thinks she should do. He is her shepherd and judge.

But this person came to the board seeking advice.

[beefche]

But this person came to the board seeking advice.

Yes, she did. And I think she's been given very good advice by many. However, no matter how good the advice, a bunch of strangers who don't know her or her situation can only advise to a certain degree. I still think she would do better by talking with her ecclesiastical leader who will know her and her situation and have the responsibility to receive inspiration from God on what is best for her. Ultimately, she will make the decision herself, but a more informed advisor is always better than people in cyberspace.

Of course, this advice is coming from someone in cyberspace......:)

[hordak]

And there -is- a trial, Hordak: Is she willing to give up what she loves?

I'm not saying she has to. I'm saying that, if she wants to go to the temple, she should stop the relationship because if she doesn't then the chances are she won't go. That's straight from a General Authority(For proof: See the last CES broadcast on LDS.net). If you disagree, take it up with the Presidency rather than me.

I could see taking time off or "courting" each other instead of dating but ditching the one you love, who you wish to be married to for time and eternity(in the temple) and have shared years of your life with so you can go to the temple seems counter productive.

I couldn't imagine being "second banana" and hearing "well there was someone before you that i loved and wanted to be sealed to but because we couldn't stop sleeping together i had to break it off. Then i met you":eek:

[Guest Alana]

Alana's right on this.

Wait, I'm only right on this, not all the time?

[blusun7]

Lots of good advice but im pretty sure that through daily scripture reading and prayer you can find the answer. Prayer is very powerfule when intentional and from the soul.

[Moksha]

...but a more informed advisor is always better than people in cyberspace.

Of course, this advice is coming from someone in cyberspace......:)

Is this a conundrum that will affect the time-space continuum? Hope not.

One good thing about advice from cyberspace is that you get a variety of answers and sometimes that is useful in situations where there are no easy solutions and the problem merits being explored from various approaches to arrive at one which will work.

[Madriglace]

Bonus question: Is it possible to run out of second chances? Cuz I've been to my bishop a lot since I keep repeating my offense. Although I am getting better overall. Will it ever get to a point when I will no longer be eligible for eternal life and those things? I'm 22.

Hel. 13: 38

38 But behold, your days of probation are past; ye have procrastinated the day of your salvation until it is everlastingly too late, and your destruction is made sure; yea, for ye have sought all the days of your lives for that which ye could not obtain; and ye have sought for happiness in doing iniquity, which thing is contrary to the nature of that righteousness which is in our great and Eternal Head.

That kind of says it all .... it scares the stuffing out of me anyhow.

There is absolutely nothing to take the place of the temple. How bad do you want this and how important is it to you? In the start of your thread you say you are trying to be worthy ... maybe it's time to stop trying and do it. Sounds hard doesn't it? Can you guarantee that although you love this guy and he loves you that you won't start second guessing yourself later down the road if you go for the easy way out? There is no guarantee that a civil marrige will lead to the temple ... odds are that if you can't get it right now something will come up. This is why the GA counsel the youth and singles in general not to spend all that time alone. I can pretty much guess what your Bishop has told you and I know from experience that it is breaking his heart to see this happening over and over. As has been said before here ... repentance is just more than being sorry ...which is what you do when you mess up and go to your Bishop. Repentance is being sorry, forsaking the sin and having a mighty change of heart and enduring to the end. That's the part that gets left out ... endure ... and do it well. Good luck ...

[Moksha]

I should add also that on religiously based forums, there is a tendency to always give an idealized answer which may not be the practical answer.

:)