future girlfriend of a missionary

[daisy5]

hey everyone.. so I have a question.

I am 18 and my boyfriend of almost 2 years is getting ready to leave on his mission soon. We are both really excited for the amazing experience that he is going to have, and i fully encourage him in going. I am going to wait for him, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me and there is no doubt that I can wait for him while he is gone. In his mind, "waiting" means no dating at all. and whenever I mention something about going on a date or two while he is gone, he gets upset. I don't know what to do, he thinks that by me dating for fun while he is gone, that ill just forget about him. He can't stand the thought of me being out with another guy. I can understand where he is coming from. But I don't know what to do. Are there girls out there who don't date at all while they missionaries are out? And what about the girls who do date? How did your missionaries feel about that? Did it end in a Dear John? Or did you wait the full two years and get married?

Please let me know! I would love to hear some advice from someone else other than my parents.

if anyone knows of any church quotes or talks from the first presidency or the 12 about this subject..

would really be helpful!

Edited May 18, 2009 by daisy5

[Jbs2763]

he sounds controlling and jealous, something you may want to consider deeper, dating other dudes aside while he is gone....

[Soul_Searcher]

I disagree with 'waiting' for missionaries for several reasons.

1) You are 18 and he is 19 (I assume). He will become a very different person in those 2 years.

2)You will change too, as no doubt big life changes will happen for you such as leaving school and going to college.

3) If you have been with him since you were 16, you most likely have had no other dating experience. From my own experience, I can only strongly advise dating lots of different people so when you do meet someone 'serious' you are in a better position to judge his character

4) His reaction shows he's still immature, which is to be expected at 19.

Daisy-What I would advise you would be to have a heart to heart with your boyfriend. I would tell him that you love him and support him in his decision. However, it would not be fair on either of you to remain a 'couple' as it were while he was away. He would be worrying about who you were with and you would be stressing about any male friend that crossed your path. I would suggest that you break off the relationship for the TWO YEARS HE IS AWAY. What you can say to him is he will be focused and you will be able to have all the experiences a girl of 18 should be having and needs to have to grow and mature. THEN when he returns, if you still have feelings for each other and want to make it work, by all means go ahead. But you should absolutely date in the meantime. You have to make it clear to him that you will not be able to guarantee that you will get back together, as this will stop him working towards getting back with you his whole mission.

This might sound a hard thing and you may think you cant do it, but babe, trust me this is the best way for both of you. Its not fair on either of you to wait. Support him as a friend only.

You have your whole life in front of you. I hope it works out for you daisy :) x

[skippy740]

My wife waited for me. I left when I was 21 and she was 18.

I told her to date others while I was gone. Why? I was secure enough in myself and if she found someone else to be "Brother Right" then that was the way it was supposed to be.

The last thing I was going to do was ask her to be "locked up" from a social life and be controlling as your boyfriend appears to be doing to you.

If he loves you, truly, he needs to know that true love means that they are emotionally secure in the relationship.

If he's not emotionally secure (which he's not based on your post), then he's not worth waiting for as he needs some more maturing to do. The mission field will help with that.

If he IS emotionally secure, why is he afraid of you dating other people?

[NeuroTypical]

Just stop talking about dating other people while he's here. When he's gone, write lots of fun supportive letters. If you date here and there, you don't need to put that in your letter.

Neither one of you will be the same people when he comes home in two years. If you've "waited" (meaning, although you may have dated people while he was on his mission, you and he still want to date each other exclusively when he comes home), then date him exclusively for a while and see if he's still the guy you want. He'll be dating you to see if you're still the girl he wants.

Good luck. Put 1000 girls who say "I'll wait for him" in a room, and maybe 2 or 3 will still be there when he gets home. If you're one of those 2 or 3, then more power to ya.

LM

[Misshalfway]

His telling you that you can't date is like you telling him he can't have any good experiences on his mission. Yes, he is trying to control things because he prolly has strong feelings for you and he doesn't want to lose you. We humans do dumb stuff like that when we are afraid. BUT, if he is going to be an effective missionary he MUST let go of you. And if he stops for a minute to think of your life instead of his pain, then he will see that you can't put your life on hold. He isn't putting his life in the deep freeze and neither should you! And expecting you to, IMO, is immature and selfish.

Going on a mission is HIS experience, not yours. You can't put your life and progression on hold, just because he has fears. You both must move forward in faith. Letting go shows more love and faith than holding on so tight to something that may or may not be yours when 2 years is over. If it is right now, it will be right then. Staying together isn't a decision can even make now. So don't put so much pressure or cave to his pressure to try.

He IS leaving. His heart MUST be centered on the Lord fully if he is to be successful. And you must perform your earthly mission as well. Don't be afraid to stand up for the needs of your life. Time for this boy to grow up a little and know he can't control pain away. And time for you to have courage to be wise with your next two years and how you choose to spend them.

[talisyn]

Tell him to stop watching 'Saturday's Warriors'

[john doe]

I agree with most of the others who have responded. He is afraid of his future changing, so he wants to get it set in stone before he leaves. He doesn't want you to change over the next 2 years, and while that seems okay for now, what he doesn't realize is that he will have life-changing experiences on his mission. The problem is that when he gets back, he will then expect that you will have changed exactly the same as he has. That can't happen since you will not have had the same experiences as he will.

You need to gain your own life experiences while he is getting his, or you will be stunted when he gets back. If he comes back and you are still a perfect fit for each other, then that's great. If not, then you won't have to regret wasting 2 years doing nothing.

[Hemidakota]

hey everyone.. so I have a question.

I am 18 and my boyfriend of almost 2 years is getting ready to leave on his mission soon. We are both really excited for the amazing experience that he is going to have, and i fully encourage him in going. I am going to wait for him, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me and there is no doubt that I can wait for him while he is gone. In his mind, "waiting" means no dating at all. and whenever I mention something about going on a date or two while he is gone, he gets upset. I don't know what to do, he thinks that by me dating for fun while he is gone, that ill just forget about him. He can't stand the thought of me being out with another guy. I can understand where he is coming from. But I don't know what to do. Are there girls out there who don't date at all while they missionaries are out? And what about the girls who do date? How did your missionaries feel about that? Did it end in a Dear John? Or did you wait the full two years and get married?

Please let me know! I would love to hear some advice from someone else other than my parents.

Have you thought in serving a mission?

[Wingnut]

Don't wait.

[Connie]

Just stop talking about dating other people while he's here. When he's gone, write lots of fun supportive letters. If you date here and there, you don't need to put that in your letter.

Neither one of you will be the same people when he comes home in two years. If you've "waited" (meaning, although you may have dated people while he was on his mission, you and he still want to date each other exclusively when he comes home), then date him exclusively for a while and see if he's still the guy you want. He'll be dating you to see if you're still the girl he wants.

Good luck. Put 1000 girls who say "I'll wait for him" in a room, and maybe 2 or 3 will still be there when he gets home. If you're one of those 2 or 3, then more power to ya.

LM

Do this. You don't have to put any of your dating of other guys in a letter. In fact, you shouldn't. One of the reasons i really can't stand the movie The Other Side of Heaven is because she is always mentioning the guy who continually proposes to her. Uhggg, you just don't put that in a letter to a missionary unless the answer to the proposal is yes (it's called a Dear John). I think Jean Groberg had enough sense to know that and it drives me crazy that that is how they portrayed her.

My story: I waited for my missionary. Yes, i did do a little bit of dating of other guys and feel it served to strengthen my resolve to marry my missionary. He was/is the right one for me and dating others only served to confirm that to me.

Good luck to you. I hope everything works out the way Heavenly Father would want it to for you. If that means you marry your missionary, that's great. If it means you find someone else, that's great too.

[MarginOfError]

Also keep in mind that when he requests that you not date other people, he is asking you to forego an important part of your emotional and social development. This is an unfair expectation and one that he should not require of you.

You might also have him read Elder Oaks' talk The Dedication of a Lifetime that discusses the differences between hanging out, dating, and courtship. Remind your boyfriend that you are interested in dating while he's gone and not courting. This is appropriate, and again, is necessary for you to continue your emotional and social development.

Although you may technically be an adult, you still have a good deal of developing to do. In our time, the physical development is generally complete by 18 years, but most do not complete their emotional, social, and psychological development until closer to 23 or 24 years old. These are important years in that development, and you shouldn't let your boyfriend's fears and selfishness take them away from you.

[Italics]

hey everyone.. so I have a question.

I am 18 and my boyfriend of almost 2 years is getting ready to leave on his mission soon. We are both really excited for the amazing experience that he is going to have, and i fully encourage him in going. I am going to wait for him, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me and there is no doubt that I can wait for him while he is gone. In his mind, "waiting" means no dating at all. and whenever I mention something about going on a date or two while he is gone, he gets upset. I don't know what to do, he thinks that by me dating for fun while he is gone, that ill just forget about him. He can't stand the thought of me being out with another guy. I can understand where he is coming from. But I don't know what to do. Are there girls out there who don't date at all while they missionaries are out? And what about the girls who do date? How did your missionaries feel about that? Did it end in a Dear John? Or did you wait the full two years and get married?

Please let me know! I would love to hear some advice from someone else other than my parents.

if anyone knows of any church quotes or talks from the first presidency or the 12 about this subject..

would really be helpful!

I won't sugarcoat this for you: If you plan on dating other guys, i'd give you a 99% chance of ending things with your current boyfriend while he's on his mission.

My girlfriend waited for me, but then again, she never planned on (or ever did) dating any other guys.

Seriously, you're probably better off ending things with him now. That will be a lot easier for him than receiving a Dear John or a wedding invitation 9 months into his mission. Waiting 2 years (especially at your age) will be a lot harder than you think.

This isn't a "give up" response, this is a "Grow up and think realistically" response.

Hope it helps. You might think I'm mean, but I think it'd be mean to give you a load of BS just to make you feel better.

[ViolinGirl]

I would like to encourage you to date others while your boyfriend is on his mission trip. You are way too young to tie yourself down to one person, even though I know it feels like you know what you want for your life. Take the time apart from him to pray about your future--ask God to lead you where He wants you to go. If you and your boyfriend are supposed to be together, you will be. You have all the time in the world to figure that out. Relax, my dear. Breathe. It will all be okay according to God's plan.

[Dravin]

In his mind, "waiting" means no dating at all. and whenever I mention something about going on a date or two while he is gone, he gets upset. I don't know what to do, he thinks that by me dating for fun while he is gone, that ill just forget about him.

Well, the thing is that Dear Johns from those who are supposedly waiting for their missionary is endemic to the point of being a cultural joke amongst missionaries. I knew missionaries who's girlfriends from back home were just dating for fun and weren't going to do anything serious who ended up getting wedding announcements 9 or 15 months into the mission. So I can see why he's concerned. Yes, there are those who do wait and get married to their missionary when he gets home (I had one such companion) but that is less common and quite frankly less sadistic joke material worthy so it isn't floated around as much.

That having been said I agree with the others, don't wait for him (I wouldn't have told a girl to wait for me had I had one). If you are still free when he gets home by all means date him and see how it works but if you promise to wait for him and don't he will most likely feel betrayed to a greater or lesser degree.

[curios]

***

Edited May 26, 2009 by curios

[Justice]

His heart MUST be centered on the Lord fully if he is to be successful.

This is the heart of the matter (pardon the pun).

You don't "wait" on missionaries because missionaries need to be focused on the Lord.

However, you need to tell him how you feel. If you start witholding already, if you do get married you're in for a long, rough road. So, keep in mind that his mind needs to be clear and focused on his mission. If it seems he doesn't want you dating while he's gone then break it off and wait anyway... your way. You guys are far too young to be anything less than honest. Things are hard enough when you're first starting out. You two may get married later, and that's all the more reason to be up front and honest now.

[Italics]

This is the heart of the matter (pardon the pun).

You don't "wait" on missionaries because missionaries need to be focused on the Lord.

However, you need to tell him how you feel. If you start witholding already, if you do get married you're in for a long, rough road. So, keep in mind that his mind needs to be clear and focused on his mission. If it seems he doesn't want you dating while he's gone then break it off and wait anyway... your way. You guys are far too young to be anything less than honest. Things are hard enough when you're first starting out. You two may get married later, and that's all the more reason to be up front and honest now.

Girlfriends who are loyal and supportive can be GREAT help to a missionary while he's on his mission (I'd suggest looking up the talk given by a former mission President called "Missionaries and Girlfriends"). In it he makes a point that I found to be very true on my own mission, which is that many missionaries who don't have anyone back at home wish they did. I found that some of the most distracted missionaries on my mission were those who had no girl writing them, and so they were constantly stressed about "who can I get to write me?" and "who will I date when I go home?"

The missionaries who had gf's who were truly "waiting" for them were some of the most happy and focused. Many times people who talk about what it takes to a be a "good" missionary have never served missions. Yeah, makes no sense..

But what I said in my last post on this thread still holds. There are 98% odds that you guys aren't going to be the exception. I'd suggest ending things with him now, as where this will be much easier on him than receiving a dear john 9 months into his mission and destroying him.

[rockwoodchev]

I had a girlfriend prior to my mission. We left on very good terms, but I didn't tell her that I wanted her to put herself on a shelf. I was going to be out having new experiences, so should she. Also, when I suggested that not date, she just got this weird look on her face and said "Yeah.... Right...."

She dated a whole ton while I was gone. I got letters from her for a while, then it died off, then picked up again. It cycled like this a few times.

We saw each other a couple of times after I go back. Just seeing each other as friends to see if we liked each other. Then we saw each other a couple more times. Then a couple more times. Then I proposed, she said yes, and we went to the temple together.

So..... did she wait???? Depends on your point of view.

I think you should DATE YOUR SOCKS OFF!!! Have fun, have a blast. Meet lots of people. Grow as much as he will whereever he is. He is going to grow from experiences. How impressed with you will he be if he comes home to the same girl as he left. You need to fly around a bit to learn.

Good luck. Kiss him goodbye and tell him to have fun, cause you'll be having fun while he is gone.

[skippy740]

Make sure you kiss him BEFORE he is set apart, not after. (Don't get his mission started on the wrong foot by breaking a rule before he even enters the MTC.)

[bmy-]

hey everyone.. so I have a question.

I am 18 and my boyfriend of almost 2 years is getting ready to leave on his mission soon. We are both really excited for the amazing experience that he is going to have, and i fully encourage him in going. I am going to wait for him, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me and there is no doubt that I can wait for him while he is gone. In his mind, "waiting" means no dating at all. and whenever I mention something about going on a date or two while he is gone, he gets upset. I don't know what to do, he thinks that by me dating for fun while he is gone, that ill just forget about him. He can't stand the thought of me being out with another guy. I can understand where he is coming from. But I don't know what to do. Are there girls out there who don't date at all while they missionaries are out? And what about the girls who do date? How did your missionaries feel about that? Did it end in a Dear John? Or did you wait the full two years and get married?

Please let me know! I would love to hear some advice from someone else other than my parents.

if anyone knows of any church quotes or talks from the first presidency or the 12 about this subject..

would really be helpful!

I can tell you this.. waiting is foolish. You don't pass up a great oppurtunity when it comes by. I can tell you some other things also..

If you date.. you will not wait. That's not how humans work. It doesn't matter how much you love him.. eventually (over time, of course) you will realize that you're compatible with multiple people. You develop friendships with other males.. and those friendships turn into relationships. Eventually.. you'll be torn between two or more people. It's not a pretty situation and almost always ends with an upset missionary.

Life isn't a fairy tale. Your boyfriend sounds jealous and controlling.. but he's right. Hemi touched on it.. if you are truly intending to marry this young man.. perhaps you should go on a mission yourself? Sounds like both sides would be winners.

I won't lie.. i'm not a fan of girls telling a missionary they'll wait. It leads to pain, suffering, and distraction for the missionary almost indefinitely. IMO it's one of the most selfish things a female can do.

Edited May 26, 2009 by bmy-

[Dravin]

Life isn't a fairy tale. Your boyfriend sounds jealous and controlling.. but he's right. Hemi touched on it.. if you are truly intending to marry this young man.. perhaps you should go on a mission yourself?

She says she's 18 if they're the same age then:

He leaves, gets back in two years, then she leaves, gets back in 18 months. Turns 2 years of waiting into 3 1/2*. Which can work, I know people who planned it that way (haven't followed up to see if they got married though) but if people are worried about waiting (for what ever reasons) I'm not sure increasing the wait is the way to go, and seems a little odd from somebody who just said waiting is foolish.

Or are you just ignoring the waiting thing altogether and just banking on RMs potentially making better spouses? In that case carry on and ignore me. :)

* It could be as much as 4 1/2 years, if she just turned 18 and he's just shy of 19, (Him gone and back putting her at 20 (18 +2) then 1 year until she can leave at 21 and then 1 1/2 years till she gets back) of waiting with a year with both of them being home in the middle.

Edited May 26, 2009 by Dravin

[bmy-]

She says she's 18 if they're the same age then:

He leaves, gets back in two years, then she leaves, gets back in 18 months. Turns 2 years of waiting into 3 1/2*. Which can work, I know people who planned it that way (haven't followed up to see if they got married though) but if people are worried about waiting (for what ever reasons) I'm not sure increasing the wait is the way to go, and seems a little odd from somebody who just said waiting is foolish.

Or are you just ignoring the waiting thing altogether and just banking on RMs potentially making better spouses? In that case carry on and ignore me. :)

* It could be as much as 4 1/2 years, if she just turned 18 and he's just shy of 19, (Him gone and back putting her at 20 (18 +2) then 1 year until she can leave at 21 and then 1 1/2 years till she gets back) of waiting with a year with both of them being home in the middle.

That's a good point.. I was under the impression that females could leave early but generally do not. I think I was wrong

Thank you for the correction (I still think waiting is foolish, a bird in the hand, you know?)

[Dravin]

That's a good point.. I was under the impression that females could leave early but generally do not. I think I was wrong

Thank you for the correction (I still think waiting is foolish, a bird in the hand, you know?)

If sisters left at the same time and for the same length of time that would provide from where I'm sitting a darn near perfect solution to the waiting gig. Of course I'm not in charge of the Missionary Department, and I'm honest enough with myself to feel it's better off for that fact. :)

[bmy-]

If sisters left at the same time and for the same length of time that would provide from where I'm sitting a darn near perfect solution to the waiting gig. Of course I'm not in charge of the Missionary Department, and I'm honest enough with myself to feel it's better off for that fact. :)

It would be to good of a solution. I must be mistaken. Nothing is that easy