Don't want to be a mother

[savedarfur4763]

Motherhood is a woman's divine calling. Intellectually I understand that. I see my older sister with her children and it can be very sweet; I love my nephews but I have absolutely NO desire to be a mom.

Shouldn't this be a natural desire?

I am single and am fine with the idea of marriage. The idea of spending eternity with a man I love sounds great; but I just am kind of repulsed by the idea of having kids.

Especially the process of pregnancy and childbirth. It grosses me out. And as cute as toddlers are I can't imagine being okay with being imprisoned in your home. It just sounds awful! People say that motherhood is about giving yourself over to selfless service... I can imagine that they are completely right; but how could I possibly want something that takes away all of my freedom! To not be able to leave your own house when you want to?

To be restricted in where you can travel, to never have "me time". the sleepless nights, the crying babies, annoying everyone around you.....

It just doesn't appeal to me.

I feel guilty!

And whenever I start to seriously date someone and there is talk of a possible future together...I have to be honest about my reservations regarding motherhood and no man wants a wife who doesn't want kids!

What can I do to appreciate motherhood? What can I do to desire motherhood?

Edited August 31, 2010 by savedarfur4763

[Suzie]

Hi Savedarfur4763, I think many young single women go through similar thoughts as you are experiencing (particularly the issue of giving birth!). However, I believe is natural. I think once you mature a little more, find the right guy, fall in love and get married those feelings will soon disappear. How do I know? Because I had them! Maybe not to the extent you are sharing but I always said I would never had kids because I couldn't go through something so painful as giving birth!

Well, many years after and here I am with a few kids. I survived and so will you! :)

[FunkyTown]

What can I do to appreciate motherhood? What can I do to desire motherhood?

Don't kick yourself. Don't feel guilty. You can't help how you feel and if you feel that you don't want kids, it could be because you're not ready for children.

Children are a wonderful blessing. But if you aren't emotionally ready and available for a child, that child deserves a mother who wants her. Eventually, you may find that you do want children. It may or may not be too late at that time. However, do not try to feel guilt over something you feel right now. Be happy. When you're happy and content, you just may find that you do want that child with the man of your dreams.

Start with the basics, first. :)

As a caveat: You should be honest to the men. They may find that you're incompatible because they do want children. That's okay. Sometimes, you aren't meant to be with someone. Just keep looking for someone you're compatible with and it'll fall in to place.

[Guest]

I'm a mother of 2 boys. I had my first child when I was 31 years old.

Motherhood is a woman's divine calling. Intellectually I understand that. I see my older sister with her children and it can be very sweet; I love my nephews but I have absolutely NO desire to be a mom.

Shouldn't this be a natural desire?

Nope. It's not. Just like some people refuse to eat vegetables, some women can't fathom having children.

I am single and am fine with the idea of marriage. The idea of spending eternity with a man I love sounds great; but I just am kind of repulsed by the idea of having kids.

Especially the process of pregnancy and childbirth. It grosses me out.

I can see your fear of pregnancy and childbirth. It's not a picnic. The crazy thing about it is, I almost died giving birth with my first child. After he weaned himself off nursing, I can't even remember the "pain" I went through and was pretty okay with going one more round against doctor's orders. Once you experience the "magic" of it, you will realize it was one awesome ride. I guess it's like riding a roller-coaster. You are super scared when you're in line to the ride. Then you get on and you're thinking, "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die.", then a minute later you're thinking, "WHAT A RIDE! I WANNA GO AGAIN!". Then you fall in line and experience all that fear all over again. The thing is, the line is always longer than the ride...

And as cute as toddlers are I can't imagine being okay with being imprisoned in your home.

It just sounds awful! People say that motherhood is about giving yourself over to selfless service... I can imagine that they are completely right; but how could I possibly want something that takes away all of my freedom! To not be able to leave your own house when you want to?

To be restricted in where you can travel, to never have "me time". the sleepless nights, the crying babies, annoying everyone around you.....

It just doesn't appeal to me.

I don't know why you think you'd be imprisoned in your home. I have 2 kids and I never felt imprisoned, not even for a second. My son was 5 weeks old when we took him to the stadium to watch football. He was 7 months old when we took a trip half-way around the globe to the Philippines.

Trust me, having children does not take away all your freedom. You just have an added responsibility now. So, your lifestyle changes. Like - instead of staying out all night with your dancing friends to party until dawn, you're having outings to the beach with your mother-friends during the day. You might think "that's not the life for me!"... well, as you get older, you'll find out party until dawn is not as fun anymore.

I feel guilty!

And whenever I start to seriously date someone and there is talk of a possible future together...I have to be honest about my reservations regarding motherhood and no man wants a wife who doesn't want kids!

What can I do to appreciate motherhood? What can I do to desire motherhood?

There's a guy in our ward who married a girl who doesn't want children. They have 6 dogs, no children. She doesn't want one. When she was a teen-ager, she took care of her nephew. Her nephew died of cancer. It affected her psychologically - she has deep-rooted fear of losing a child so she doesn't want one. He married her anyway.

I think you just need to relax. It's not at all abnormal what you're feeling. Hopefully, as you grow more mature, you'll find appreciation for all mothers everywhere, understand what motherhood truly entails, and desire to be one yourself.

Hope this helps.

[FunkyTown]

I can see your fear of pregnancy and childbirth. It's not a picnic. The crazy thing about it is, I almost died giving birth with my first child. After he weaned himself off nursing, I can't even remember the "pain" I went through and was pretty okay with going one more round against doctor's orders. Once you experience the "magic" of it, you will realize it was one awesome ride. I guess it's like riding a roller-coaster. You are super scared when you're in line to the ride. Then you get on and you're thinking, "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die.", then a minute later you're thinking, "WHAT A RIDE! I WANNA GO AGAIN!". Then you fall in line and experience all that fear all over again. The thing is, the line is always longer than the ride...

I didn't know whether to thank or laugh at this post. It hit the nail on the head, but this particular quote made me smile.

Anatess? You have won the Internet.

[Gwen]

not all women forget the pain. i agree with anatess though that you do not need to be locked in your home, just learn to do things differently. and the truth be told you kids will be better for it if you take them places. i have 5 kids (no they weren't all planned and i don't enjoy being pregnant - few things in this world scare me more) and i take them everywhere i go. the more you make your kids part of you life the better behaved they will be. they don't have to stop you from life, just changes things.

the sleepless nights are hard. oddly you would be amazed at what the body can do sleep deprived. i won't lie it's hard. it's not always fun. if you don't MAKE the me time happen it won't and you will feel the resentment of that.

i agree with those that say do not have kids till you are ready, if that's never then so be it. don't feel guilty for that. make sure you are honest about that up front with the guys you date seriously. there are men out there that can't have kids due to illness or injury as a child or teen, i'm sure they feel the same pressure and frustration when dating that you do.

all that being said.... there are things about being a parent that one can not even begin to describe. moments when they make you laugh as no one else in this world can. when you are reminded that life isn't as complicated as adults like to make it. for me it's been learning who i am, seeing myself differently. understanding my heavenly father differently. there are lessons to be learned in parenthood i'm not sure can be learned any other way. i'm sure they can be but i really can't think of any. so if you ever find yourself changing your mind, or thinking you might be ready, don't let the fear talk you out of it. yes it will be hard and child birth isn't easy. but it's really a very small piece of the pie. it doesn't last forever. there are things in life i've thought "i would rather give birth than this". it's not the end of the world, and often it's the beginning of your world.

one last thought. physically giving birth is not the only path to parenthood. don't rule out adoption. there are a lot of older kids that are "to old to be adopted" that need good loving homes. they will turn 18 in the foster system simply because "everyone wants an infant". from the things you describe you are worried about the infant/toddler stage. the crying, sleepless nights, the diapers, the pain of pregnancy/childbirth, etc. so don't rule out the idea of finding one of those kids that are "just to old". the kids that are past that stage and would give anything for a good home. i recall seeing a show (oprah i think it was) on older kids that are looking for a home. they were good kids who had parents that made poor choices. all A students, responsible, but they were 10 and over. no one wanted them, they wanted babies.

god gives us all our challenges for a reason. i don't believe they are ever just for us. maybe you feel this way because you have something to offer that few others would be willing to consider. instead of hating the way you feel try figuring out why you feel it.

[dash77]

I think many of the comments stated – especially Gwen’s – are spot on. The only thing I would add – hoping this is helpful – is that natural desires are not always correct indicators of behaviors. So, I would not be too worried about questioning yourself about the lack of natural desires to be a mother. I think the key – as already has been stated – is to fall in love, be honest with this man before you get married, be honest with Heavenly Father in prayer, and follow basic gospel principles – and then see what happens.

I would add this. Although having children is very tough and sometimes when they become teenagers it becomes even tougher, they can open up some new and exciting things. Now that I have teenagers – and my wife and I have some real challenges with them – there are some really fun things you can do with them. Going out to eat as a family, going to a basketball game or an amusement park together. When they were younger I coached baseball and actual developed some really good friendships with non-members that I would not have if I did not have friends. So, you will be “locked-up” at home at times (especially when they are young and get sick) – but they can open up doors to new adventures also.

But in the end, parenting is a very tough calling.

I hope my comments were helpful.

[RachelleDrew]

I'm sorry you feel the pressure for children when you aren't ready for them. That must be hard.

Please don't feel like there is anything wrong with you, sure God intends for us to have children but that may not be in the picture for you for a variety of reasons. Or perhaps just not in the near future for you anyway. Maybe you are feeling this way because He has something that you need to accomplish or work on before you take on having children. Maybe you are meant to marry a man who cannot have children due to physical limitations. Perhaps you are meant to adopt older children.

There are thousands of "maybe" or "perhaps" situations I could list here. All I am saying is maybe those feelings you have about motherhood exist for a reason. It could be His way of preparing you for a different type of motherhood, or no motherhood at all. But who knows. How old are you? Maybe you could use this time of confusion to serve the church or others. Your beliefs may change as you age, or they may not. Please know, however that there isn't something defective or wrong with you.

For the record, I think it's very important that you are transparent with men you date about this issue. You need to be honest to avoid future heartache on both you and your boyfriend's behalf. No sense in lying about it, then getting serious with a man who wants you to start popping them out like a vending machine the minute you leave the temple. Especially if you aren't sure you want any kids at all.

I think you find that if you are honest in the beginning of any relationship regarding your confusion about motherhood, you may actually RELIEVE some men who feel the same pressure you do.

[confuzzled]

Coming from one who can't have children....I would give just about anything to feel the way you do.

With that being said, we all have the right to our own feelings and for the most part we have them for certain reasons. Those reasons aren't always clear. IF these feeling concern you and I would bet that they do (because you posted them) go to your Heavenly Father in prayer. You just might be surprised on your answer.

Edited September 2, 2010 by confuzzled

[Guest]

I didn't know whether to thank or laugh at this post. It hit the nail on the head, but this particular quote made me smile.

Anatess? You have won the Internet.

OH! OH! OH! Do I get to be the President of the Funkytown Fan Club???

[Gemma]

This probably isn't going to change the way you feel, but try to remember that women can sometimes focus on the trials when they get together - not because we're negative people, but because it makes us feel better to whine to our friends and get some sympathy!

I had an interesting conversation with a friend about pregnancy - she said that actually, she felt fine, just a bit tired, and that giving birth wasn't too bad. It hurt of course but she was expecting that and just accepted it so it wasn't traumatic. The really interesting bit was when she told us that she would never say this in front of other mothers, I guess it would seem a bit too much like gloating? So I think we tend to hear the horror stories much more than the 'actually, its not so bad' ones.

So don't listen too much to what others say, just judge from your own experiences with kids and don't feel like you have to rush into anything. There are many bad reasons for putting off having children, but there are good reasons too and only you, your future husband and heavenly father have any say in the decision.

[Bini]

Not a mother but I was one of those girls that never wanted kids and not because I was fearful of pregnancy or childbirth but because I really didn't like children — period. I felt that way for a long time up until a few years ago when I met my husband. Not sure what changed but all I knew was that I wanted to have his children and be a family. I'm not saying that marriage will change your mind. During my first marriage to my ex, I did not want children and we were married 6 years. What I am saying is that sometimes it takes time before you get to that point. But meanwhile, don't allow yourself to feel pressured into motherhood and beat yourself up. You're ready when you're ready. It may not be today, or tomorrow, or a month from now, or a year from now, or years from now BUT it could be something you will want later down the road. So don't use so much energy stressing on how much you think you'll hate being a mother.

[MarginOfError]

I don't think anyone has said this, but if after much prayer and fasting and consideration, if you get married and feel strongly that you don't want children and that having children won't make you happier, then it's okay to not have children. That's a decision you're entitled to make for yourself.

I would just say, don't rule it out entirely now. Keep the door open with the understanding that while you don't currently have the desire, it is possible that it could change.

[MuggleMormon]

I don't think anyone has said this, but if after much prayer and fasting and consideration, if you get married and feel strongly that you don't want children and that having children won't make you happier, then it's okay to not have children. That's a decision you're entitled to make for yourself.

Totally agree with this. In fact, I would implore you NOT to have children if after you're married and older you still feel so strongly about this. Babies deserve to be born into a home and life where they are truly wanted -- and sometimes when that's not the case, the children suffer terribly. And I'm not talking physical neglect or abuse -- I'm talking emotional neglect.

I have a dear, dear childhood friend who was born to a woman who loathes children. The husband wanted kids very, very much and so she had two of them. She was horribly distant and even recoiled from them when they were sick. My friend's father died when she was 14 and her little brother was 8 and it was just so painful to watch them deal with their homelife after that. This mother is a well-respected artisan in town and people love her, but I've been in their house when she's said out loud, in front of my friend, "Children suck the life outta you and I can't wait until these idiots are grown and outta my house" while on the phone with a friend while fixing dinner. She said unkind things like that alot. There are times I thought it would be easier on these kids if she was physically abusive because they were so wounded by her words and desperate for attention and love after their dad died, and those scars have lasted a lifetime..

I realize this is an extreme case but it's totally and seriously not fair or healthy for children to be born into a family where they won't be loved.

I'm the mother of three and have always wanted kids and love them dearly but have to admit that there were times I've thought I was going totally mental while raising them and might snap at any minute. Motherhood is not for the faint of heart! I hope and pray that someday you'll change your mind because Motherhood is also the most rewarding and fulfilling and cherished moments of my life.

My best advice is just to pray and fast about this. If The Lord wants you to be a mother, He will give you that change of heart.

Bless you for being smart enough to ask for guidance in this area. And bless you in your future.

Edited October 5, 2010 by MuggleMormon
typo

[coopadoo]

I was you! Since I was in junior high, I repeatedly said that I did not want children. I didn't want to get fat. I didn't want to go through the pain of childbirth. I didn't want to go through the terrible twos. I thought children were gross. (I am not naturally a person that enjoys children.) I was told my entire life that children were "a burden."

Then I went for it. Childbirth was not even a problem. I would go through it again anytime! I still don't really like children too much, and I AM NOT the soccer-mom type, but my two boys love me, and I love them more than I could ever love another person.

Not that sometimes I don't think, "Oh, if I'd never had children, I could be doing (fill in the blank...)" But they have given me more sweetness and love than I've received from anyone else in my life. My two boys truly are a BLESSING!

You never know. Once you find someone that you love and want to marry, you may feel different.

[coopadoo]

Oh, and also... If you find that you don't want to after all, then don't have them! It is a demanding job, so only do it if you WANT to do it. Not because you feel that you should.

My grandmother never wanted children, and she had nine because "that's what a woman did back then." (She is not a church member.) Growing up, my mother and her siblings always felt her resentment. No beautiful child deserves that, so if you don't choose to have children, then you don't.

Either way, you're not wrong.

[prettyrose]

Not a mother but I was one of those girls that never wanted kids and not because I was fearful of pregnancy or childbirth but because I really didn't like children — period. I felt that way for a long time up until a few years ago when I met my husband. Not sure what changed but all I knew was that I wanted to have his children and be a family. I'm not saying that marriage will change your mind. During my first marriage to my ex, I did not want children and we were married 6 years. What I am saying is that sometimes it takes time before you get to that point. But meanwhile, don't allow yourself to feel pressured into motherhood and beat yourself up. You're ready when you're ready. It may not be today, or tomorrow, or a month from now, or a year from now, or years from now BUT it could be something you will want later down the road. So don't use so much energy stressing on how much you think you'll hate being a mother.

I agree the same thing as Bini. I have no kids yet. I use to have a feeling that I didn't want any kids at all like ever. But then one thing something happened when I almost married two other men I knew that I wanted to have children with them. It was different situation. I think there is just something there and I dont know how to explain it. You just know when it would be the perfect time.

There some men you just knew it isnt a good idea to have children with for whatever reason I dont know but you just know.

Edited March 30, 2011 by prettyrose

[MeaganSmith]

When I was in my twenties I really liked working with children and babysitting friends' children, but I had absolutely no desire to have kids or a family. I wanted a career and education more. Now I'm in my 30's and I want kids and a family. It's weird how things changed.

[strugglinganonymously]

HELP! I am really struggling with this also. I have NO DESIRE at the present time to be a mom, and I really worry that it will never feel like the right time. I know some women say "You'll never feel old enough" etc. but, I really feel like I couldn't possibly have children right now, and I feel like I will NEVER get to that point where I want them. I really worry my biological clock will run out before I really want them. But, I don't want to go ahead and have kids and hope that it works out. I really want to WANT them before I have them... part of me feels like I will look back on life and feel unfulfilled if I don't have them, but the clock is ticking and I still don't want them.

It's not like I don't know what children are like and how adorable they can be. I have been married four years now, I have a great husband. I am a full-time nanny and love the kids I work with, I have nieces and nephews that I completely and totally love. So, why don't I want to be a mom? I really don't know. It's a bit depressing, confusing and disconcerting. Help, anyone???

[Vort]

If your husband wants children and you don't, then that's a big problem. Otherwise, it is not. If you don't want to have children, don't.

Yes, you might indeed regret not having them. And that would be tragic. But it would be a far greater tragedy for you to have these precious human beings and resent their very existence and their drain on your resources, financial and emotional. Because that will never, ever go away. And you should welcome it, or you shouldn't have children.

One man's opinion, for what it's worth to you.

[strugglinganonymously]

The problem is I want to want them.

[ratherbehiking]

I know it's been a while since the last post, but I thought I'd throw my two cents into the ring.

I am 33 years old and I haven’t wanted children for about six or seven years. I felt immensely guilty about it for a long time. Still do, sometimes.

We love God and want to keep his commandments. But I also know that He wants us to be happy – “men are that they might have joy.” If you don’t feel like you want children – now or maybe ever – it’s okay. If you remain close to the Gospel, do your best to keep the commandments and covenants you’ve made, and you still don’t want children, then it likely wasn’t God’s plan for you to have them in this life.

I was lucky enough to find a husband who also doesn’t want children (for different reasons than me). I have a long-term type of kidney disease that would make it dangerous for me to have children – perhaps God changed my heart NOT to want children long ago because He knew that it would be best if I didn’t. There are other ways He will help me to grow and become the person I need to be.

Most importantly, as has been said, do not have children out of guilt or obligation. It won’t be good for anyone, and God doesn’t want that. There is no one-fits-all prescription for having children - what works for someone else will not automatically be right for you.

Stay close to the Spirit – if your heart is supposed to change, it will. Otherwise, feel at peace knowing you are still doing what God wants for your life. There are other ways to feel “fulfilled.” Only you and God can make you whole – children aren’t given to us to fill OUR needs or make US feel whole.

Edited March 30, 2012 by ratherbehiking

[ldsandkidless]

I'm LDS, male, and don't want kids. I don't want pets either. If you contact me, I'll write back. Who knows, maybe we're compatible.

Also, having children isn't essential for eternal salvation.

[pam]

I'm LDS, male, and don't want kids. I don't want pets either. If you contact me, I'll write back. Who knows, maybe we're compatible.

Also, having children isn't essential for eternal salvation.

This is not a dating site and we would appreciate it if it not be treated as such.

[annewandering]

This is not a dating site and we would appreciate it if it not be treated as such.

that is not to say that no one has ever got married after meeting here!!