Ugh, I am struggling like crazy.

[sweetoctober]

I feel like I am in this total church funk right now. I just don't agree with anything any more, and I don't want to conform to the cookie cutter life style. I'm starting college, and I can't stand the pressure that seems to be grabbing me at every chance it gets. Especially at church. I feel like LDS members married too fast, and it's gross. People throw their entire lives, and careers down the toilet just to get hitched and have 5,000 kids. I feel like there is something wrong with me... I don't have the testimony that I once had, or the faith for that matter... Everything used to be black and white, and now I am seeing a lot of grey. I used to love my bishop but now I can barely look at him without getting sick. Everyone just seems to conniving and fake. I am miserable, and I am not sure what to do anymore...

[slamjet]

1) Read your scriptures daily.

2) Pray at least twice daily.

3) Attend and be active in church.

Until you start up with these three things, you're not going to get to far. It's that simple.

[findingmyway]

Not just pray, but talk to Heavenly Father about it. Theres probably a deeper reason as to why you feel this funk. What happened that led you to this funk ? Are you afraid of something ?

You seem very frustrated and miserable. I am sorry to hear that. In addition to Slams suggestions , I would also add service.

[sweetoctober]

I am miserable. I let my heart get stomped on, and opened my eyes to all of the fake people out there. I can't even talk to my leaders, and I have been reduced to posting on here... I need something, and I am not sure what it is.

[blackknight5k]

You know what it is, get on your knees and pour out your heart to the Lord. He won't let you go away if you don't want to.

I've been in similar shoes as yours, I was away from the church for a long time and I don't wish it on anyone. The church isn't the people in the building, it's the beliefs and your relationship with God.

[a1000tears]

Is it a trust issue? I know what's it's like to loose trust and to feel betrayed. I'd offer more advice but I'm not sure if it would be correct since I don't know the general circumstances. Aside what others have told you, I would try to talk to the Stake President or someone in the Stake Presidency. This advice was given to me and I didn't follow it because I didn't know if I could trust anyone in the church ever again. It takes a strong person and a lot of courage to do that. If not someone in the Stake Presidency, then maybe just someone you trust completely. The important thing is to talk about it. I didn't do that for a number of years and it wasn't until I was able to talk about it with a friend that I put things in a better perspective. Anytime you have negative feelings towards someone usually means you are being influenced in the wrong way. One thing my mother always told me is that when people are at their worst is the time you need to try and see the pain beneath that. When people are angry, rude, upset or annoying, there is a painful reason why and it has nothing to do with us. My mom was not a member of the church but she is a very wise woman. :)

[findingmyway]

I am miserable. I let my heart get stomped on....

Could you be heartbroken ?

[Guest mormonmusic]

SweetOctober -- is there more to this than you're telling us? You mentioned about your heart getting stomped on, and everyone appear fake. What caused this? Was there a triggering event of some kind?

[beefche]

Could your feelings have anything to do with the missionary or the addiction you posted about before? Those events can drag everyone down--especially if the missionary broke up with you or you had a difficult experience in ridding yourself of the addiction.

[JudoMinja]

I went through a similar funk during my college years. A lot of it can be simply because of your living environment. It can be hard to connect with people at church when it is easier to spend time with college buddies in the dorms. Just remember that you aren't going to church for the people. You are going to church for the Lord.

Right now, you are going through a period where your testimony is struggling. The only way to build it back up is to get back to the basics. What do you know? What do you believe? What actions should you take based on that knowledge and belief?

Don't worry about fitting into the "cookie-cutter" lifestyle many members have. There are also many many members out there who do not fit that lifestyle, and I'm guessing some of the people you know probably haven't either. It just seems they have, because they've reached a point now where they have a family and are attending all their meetings, etc.

Sometimes I still get a nagging "I don't belong" feeling when going to church as I am a single working mother finishing a Bachelors degree in a subject most people could care less about. However, when that feeling strikes, I just remember that it doesn't matter what the other members think of me. I go to church so that I can take the sacrament, offer the Lord my worship, and learn more about Him through the talks and lessons so that I can be built up spiritually and set goals that will bring me even closer to Him throughout the week. I also try to focus on what I can do to serve the members of the ward, so I sign up to bring things to activities, to help with babysitting, etc. I try to pay attention to the announcements in case there is a need another member might have that I can help with.

Just work on your testimony. Remember the real reason you are going to church, and try not to worry about the other people.

[shdwlkr]

When you feel betrayed the most is the time you need to be on your knees and talking to your heavenly father. Notice I said talking not praying as you need the love of your father in heaven now that things will work out.

When you are stronger you could ask what you missed and put you in the funk. I have been there a few times and have pulled through. In my current divorce I asked many times why it happened and have gotten answers and can move forward now. Some questions still are not answered and I wait for the time when they will be.

As others have said

pray

read the scriptures and study them

attend church regularly

Satin likes it when you are like this and that is reason enough to spoil his plan.

I am in college myself and dealing with the bills of divorce and child support and visitations with my kids.

Just a little hint for you I never thought I would be able to have my kids in my life when this divorce stuff started and now I am a part of their lives again. All things work out, just not always the way we want or in the time frame we think they should get done.

hang in there things will get better over time.

[carlimac]

I am miserable. I let my heart get stomped on, and opened my eyes to all of the fake people out there. I can't even talk to my leaders, and I have been reduced to posting on here... I need something, and I am not sure what it is.

I haven't read all the posts but wanted to let you know you're not alone. I've gone through this off and on through my whole life. But I've decided I'm hangin' in there even if I don't like it sometimes. Something deep inside tells me it's worth it.

Just remember that all those fake people out there are putting up a facade to hide their own insecurities. EVERYONE has doubts and funky times at some point. Try to look past the mask that people wear and see them as our Father in Heaven sees them, as His children who are all on this earth struggling everyday, too, but worthy of our love and patience.

One of the most delightful sisters I have ever known was a woman who was up front about her struggles (her past failures and present battles with weaknesses), didn't try to hide them and was willing to talk about them in RS or Sacrament meeting as well as in private- but always did so with a big smile on her face. Her relationship with the Lord was her first priority. She was genuine and real and everyone could relate to her. It was a relief to hear someone say out loud what we were all thinking. BUT her faith was iron clad. She would never think to lead someone away from the gospel. I suggest you find someone like that to confide in. There is at least one in every ward.

Best wishes. Don't be too hard on yourself right now. Trust in the Lord. He loves you! He knows exactly what you're going through.

[applepansy]

Sometimes we need to doubt our doubts.

[MaMeeshkaMow]

I just listened to a song this morning that is pretty spiritual. He's a progressive Christian music artist named Neal Morse. He has a song called "I am willing" that is touching...I'll tell you my favorite part at the end:

I AM WILLING :

Jesus, is it true what they are saying?

You know in my heart I've always been praying.

'Cause I feel something. Is it You that I feel?

Hold me and show me You're real.

For I am willing, and I am broken,

All I want is the life You have spoken.

Oh Father, if I give you my life

You come turn my night to day

For I am willing, You don't have to break me

I don't know why You would die just to save me

Oh Father come and take me now.

Jesus, spirit deep as an ocean, I need You and not just emotion.

If You can truly live here within me, Let this be our great beginning.

For I am willing, and I am broken,

All I want is the life You have spoken.

Oh Father, if I give you my life

You come turn my night to day

For I am willing, You don't have to break me

Take all that I have don't forsake me

For I am willing, I am broken

All I want is the life You have spoken

Let the sleeper be awoken Now.

All I want is You, All I want is You

Father come and take me now.

It sounds like you are going through a "night" phase but remember the night is a natural part of life's cycle. Give everything to God, your whole soul and he will cause the "the sleeper to be awoken", the "stranger" in your soul. Here's a positive aspect to your suffering: The fact you know you're in a bad place says that the "stranger" in your soul is calling out for a change. Knowing you need to change something is inspiration from God. Keep the faith and be willing to change.

[rameumptom]

We all go through a period where suddenly those who we once thought were perfect are now "human" and imperfect. Obviously, your pristine bubble has now been popped; your rose-colored sunglasses are removed.

Life is rough for all of us. BTW, if you look deeply within yourself, you will probably find that in many ways you are as fake as those you see around you. The difference is that since you are with yourself all the time, the changes occur gradually, while you can see stark differences in people you do not see all the time.

Hormones also affect us when we are young. It is a normal part of life to question everyone and everything. You will now have to adjust to a new norm: the grown up world. I used to think missionaries were perfect. Now after dealing with dozens of 19 year old kids and their struggles on their missions, I now know that they are imperfect, but still called of God.

Finally, you have leaned on others' testimonies and witnesses over the years. It is a common thing to do. You are now at the age where you must build and maintain your own testimony. No one is going to take you by the hand and take you to EFY to have a spiritual/emotional experience in a perfect environment. You will now have to find and create your own spiritual environment(s) in the midst of a noisy and crazy world. This is why several have encouraged you to return to scripture study, prayer, etc. It is often the basics we stop doing where we end up feeling out of sorts with spiritual things, and over judgmental of others.

Your bishop? Mortal and human. He is a guy that never asked for the position but accepted it when asked anyway. He gets no pay for serving 20-40 hours a week, so that people like you and me can have someone to spiritually bless us. He meets with many members about their sins, their debts, their family struggles, divorce, and a myriad of other things he has no idea how to handle. And he isn't getting paid for doing all of this.

So, before you are too harsh on your bishop, think about what he has to do for the 300+ members in the ward first. Then think about how you would be able to handle all he does. maybe you'll appreciate him a little more, and perhaps thank him on occasion for what he does for so many people.

[RescueMom]

I can't really add anything except just remember you are a child of God and he loves you. no. matter. what.

(((hugs)))

[Backroads]

I personally think it's good to go through a time of doubt, questioning, and even pain. I too suspect that there is more to this experience than you are revealing, and it's okay and natural to feel the things you feel.

Don't worry so much about the church and its members. Focus on your relationship with God and ponder your own beliefs.

You do not have to fit into the cookie-cutter Mormon. In fact, I think that as much as many want to pretend there is the ideal Mormon it's simply not true. There is a lot more to the church than its culture. At the risk of causing trouble, there are a lot of things accepted as truth that technically aren't doctrine, just musings. Think about what you believe and what is essential to your testimony. And it's okay to be different.

I would be careful about calling people "fake", though. That seems to be the typical favorite word of anyone angsty and feeling alone in the world.

[g8trjasonb]

All I can say is I've been down the road of kicking church to the curb and no longer believing. I stopped going to church when I was around 20 and didn't start back again until last summer, at age 32. Everyone's different, but my path those 12 years led me down to unhappiness. It wasn't until I decided to read the Book of Mormon and decide for myself if it was true through prayer that I began to gain my own testimony for the first time in my life. It has only grown since last summer and I can honestly say I am much happier than I was this time last year. My life isn't perfect, but I now have the proper perspective. It sounds like you should make an honest effort at strengthening, or even just obtaining, your own testimony. Maybe you've been leaning on your parents' testimonies, or other people's, all these years? Once Heavenly Father makes us KNOW that this is all the truth, as He promises He will if we do our part, then the rest of it becomes so much easier. You begin to realize that you really aren't doing this for anyone else but yourself and Heavenly Father. Nothing else matters. Don't give up. Its too easy to give up and I've been down that road, its a dead end.

[Javajot]

I feel like I am in this total church funk right now. I just don't agree with anything any more, and I don't want to conform to the cookie cutter life style. I'm starting college, and I can't stand the pressure that seems to be grabbing me at every chance it gets. Especially at church. I feel like LDS members married too fast, and it's gross. People throw their entire lives, and careers down the toilet just to get hitched and have 5,000 kids. I feel like there is something wrong with me... I don't have the testimony that I once had, or the faith for that matter... Everything used to be black and white, and now I am seeing a lot of grey. I used to love my bishop but now I can barely look at him without getting sick. Everyone just seems to conniving and fake. I am miserable, and I am not sure what to do anymore...

Let me guess:

You live in Utah?

[RachelleDrew]

I am no longer LDS so perhaps you won't value my opinion much, but for what it's worth I can tell you that fake, cookie-cutter people exist in every church on the planet. You won't escape them by leaving the Mormon church.

I understand wanting to be an individual, but the church you attend (or don't attend) doesn't have any bearing on your individuality. That has to do with your mindset and behavior. I think you will find that there are tons of people within the LDS church who don't want to get married at 19 or pop out a litter of pups. Your ascertaining that they all do is painting an awful lot of people you don't know with a broad brush. The first step to individuality (in my mind at least) is refraining from judging people by their outward appearances. Just because you meet someone with a "Molly Mormon" or "Peter priesthood" appearance doesn't automatically mean they fit into some mold. Dig deeper and discover the person underneath. You may learn that they aren't as cookie cutter as you once thought.

[The_Phoenix]

I feel like I am in this total church funk right now. I just don't agree with anything any more, and I don't want to conform to the cookie cutter life style. I'm starting college, and I can't stand the pressure that seems to be grabbing me at every chance it gets. Especially at church. I feel like LDS members married too fast, and it's gross. People throw their entire lives, and careers down the toilet just to get hitched and have 5,000 kids. I feel like there is something wrong with me... I don't have the testimony that I once had, or the faith for that matter... Everything used to be black and white, and now I am seeing a lot of grey. I used to love my bishop but now I can barely look at him without getting sick. Everyone just seems to conniving and fake. I am miserable, and I am not sure what to do anymore...

Being married is life, not throwing it away. I have never been a cookie-cutter anything. If you don’t want to get married then don’t, at least until you no longer see it as a negative.

[sweetoctober]

Being married is life, not throwing it away. I have never been a cookie-cutter anything. If you don’t want to get married then don’t, at least until you no longer see it as a negative.

Do you have a successful career? If not, than point proven. I am selfish, I want to do me, and not kids, and a husband.

[estradling75]

Do you have a successful career? If not, than point proven. I am selfish, I want to do me, and not kids, and a husband.

That could be a problem, but the answer remains the same. Figuring out what you want is a good thing, but figuring out what god wants for you is even better. You mentioned struggling with faith that should be address first and the rest can follow.

That might not be what you want to hear, and that is understandable. Many people have to struggle first to find what works for them.

[sweetoctober]

Conference touched my heart...

[jayanna]

Do you have a successful career? If not, than point proven. I am selfish, I want to do me, and not kids, and a husband.

You know, I can feel ya'

I started out on the career track. Med. school, Dean's Honor Roll, I was doing great, I was accepted to a med. school at 18. I was so young and ready to prove myself.

Then one day, I don't know, I guess I just woke up and realized I was doing it all to impress people. I wanted money and respect, and to please my parents, and to be in the local country club. When it came down to it, though, I was extremely unhappy. I hated all of it. I went to that country club, and those people hated each other! They were nasty, and greedy, and well, awful, and I didn't want to be like them any more. (though on reflection maybe it was just a bad batch)

I wanted a family. I wanted the family that I now have. I love laying down next to my hubby and smelling him (yes, smelling) and listening to my kids breathing in their sleep. I love baby feet. I love my little home. There is so much that I couldn't list, it just wouldn't fit.

If I wanted to go back to school, my hubby wouldn't mind at all, would pay for it in fact. He is working full time and going to school full time, (he didn't have the confidence in himself to go to college until he met me) and has a challenging calling...but he would support me in going back any time I want to. He would cook all of the dinners, and do the laundry. He would entertain the kids while I study and do homework.

I could go back any time I want...but I don't want to. I'm a librarian now, and I really like it, but I only do it to help pay for our little home, and college for the kids. Family is the only reason I have a 'career'.

I am happy, and it just so happens that I feel that I am doing what the Lord wants me to do. Maybe He wants you to focus on something else, that does not mean that you are any less precious to Him. That does not mean I have any less value, either. So, if my role is different from yours, that's okay, we can't all be hands, or all be feet, some of us need to be shoulders, or elbows, to make up the 'body of Christ'. We all have value to Him.

To all things there is a season.