mrlb Posted July 16, 2011 Report Share Posted July 16, 2011 I have a little problem I'd like some input on. My wife and I disagree on what clothing is modest. She likes to wear clothing that's a little tight fitting and revealing in form and cleavage. Same with swimwear. She wears a one piece but it's low cut and revealing in the front. It makes me uncomfortable to be with her if she's wearing this type of clothing/swimwear. I've talked to her about this but those discussions go badly because we disagree on what's modest. So after years of this I feel like I've given up on resolving it. If we're going somewhere and she puts on clothes that make me uncomfortable I usually just clam up and avoid her if possible. For example if she suggests going swimming I will look for excuses not to be able to go but if I can't get out of it I'll just figure out ways to stay away from her at the pool. She notices and says something but she just thinks I need to get over it. I don't care what she does or how she dresses when I'm not around. It only bothers me when I'm with her and I see other guys checking her out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LDSJewess Posted July 16, 2011 Report Share Posted July 16, 2011 I'm just curious. How long have you been married. Did your wife always dress as she does now? If so what attracted you to her BEFORE you married? If she always dressed as she does now and it didn't bother you before marriage, perhaps it is a jealousy thing about worrying about other guys checking her out. I do not know your wife and so cannot comment on her modesty or lack there of. I will say though, that the majority of women do not dress for men, rather because of how they perceive how they look to themselves. They also dress to impress other women (not from a sexual standpoint), but from a fashion standpoint. Even in church women are complimenting each others hair, clothing shoes etc: Happens all the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzie Posted July 16, 2011 Report Share Posted July 16, 2011 I don't care what she does or how she dresses when I'm not around. It only bothers me when I'm with her and I see other guys checking her out.Out of sight, out of mind? So if guys check her out when you're not around it's okay with you? Wow, that's kind of strange. I grew up thinking you have to worry when you aren't around. Anyhow...The issue with cleavage was discussed on this forum before here:http://www.lds.net/forums/general-discussion/14133-sick-cleavage.html Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrlb Posted July 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2011 We've been married 20 years. She didn't start dressing like this until about 5 years ago. Unlikely I would have been attracted to her had she dressed that way when we met and dated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrlb Posted July 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2011 Suzie - I really don't worry about what she'll do, I just don't like the type of attention she's attracting. I guess when I'm not around at least I don't see it so it isn't as hard for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applepansy Posted July 17, 2011 Report Share Posted July 17, 2011 (edited) What happened five years ago? Women don't just wake up after 15 years of marriage as decide to change how they dress, especially if they are happy in their marriage. Do you know what changed? As for swimwear, its really hard to find swimwear that doesn't show some cleavage especially for larger women. I wear a coverup with my suit. Are you married in the temple? As I think and type you could get a For Strength of Youth book and read that with her when you discuss this problem. If its really a modesty issue I would think you would be bothered whether she was with you or not. ...just saying. ADDITION: If I started dressing differently and didn't care what my husband thought about it, my husband would wonder. Likewise, If my husband's behavior changed I would wonder too. Another thought: Modesty is an attitude. Edited July 17, 2011 by applepansy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Sachi001 Posted July 17, 2011 Report Share Posted July 17, 2011 If she was wearing her garments. Would not that take away the tight fitting and cleavage in themselves? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrShorty Posted July 17, 2011 Report Share Posted July 17, 2011 I see two issues here:1) What is modesty? and 2) How much influence/control should one spouse have over the other?Based on what little information given here, I ask myself, is this modest? She likes to wear clothing that's a little tight fitting and revealing in form and cleavage. Same with swimwear. She wears a one piece but it's low cut and revealing in the front. A picture would be worth a thousand words, but I can think of any number of outfits I see at church that would fit this description and that I would consider acceptably modest. Apparently, you disagree with me, and that's fine. My opinion doesn't (and shouldn't) mean anything to you. The problem appears to be that your wife also disagrees with you, and her opinion does and should matter to you. Which brings us to question 2), the much more difficult question to answer. I don't really know how to answer it. If I were in your shoes, I think I would: a) Carefully and respectfully and accurately state my position ("It makes me uncomfortable when you wear that shirt, because I am uncomfortable with what other men might think"). Do not try to convince her that you are right and she is wrong (I don't think this part is really a question of right and wrong). Just state your position so that she can understand it. b) Have the courage and trust that she will consider your position, weigh it against her position, and make a good decision.c) Do your best to reconcile yourself to accept her decision. If you are still uncomfortable and can't reconcile yourself to her position, go back to (a) and repeat.At some point you have to realize that you are both adults and cannot force each other to do anything. If she chooses to completely ignore your position on this matter, and you feel that you can't be happily married to her under those conditions, it might be time to visit with someone who can act as a kind of arbitrator/counselor/mediator to help you both come to a mutually agreeable compromise.I hope that helps. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrlb Posted July 17, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2011 What happened five years ago? Women don't just wake up after 15 years of marriage as decide to change how they dress, especially if they are happy in their marriage. Do you know what changed?Are you married in the temple? .5 years ago a friend of hers (not LDS or modest!) took a job at a clothing store and started getting her good deals on a new wardrobe!Yes married in the temple. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrlb Posted July 17, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2011 If she was wearing her garments. Would not that take away the tight fitting and cleavage in themselves?She definitely wears garments. Not sure if it's just her choice of type/size but her garments are pretty low in the front. She could show off a lot and still not show garments. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrlb Posted July 17, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2011 1) What is modesty? and 2) How much influence/control should one spouse have over the other?MrShorty - you hit the nail on the head for sure. She and I disagree on what's modest; doesn't make me right and her wrong. And I don't and shouldn't have control over her.I just find myself in the situation where she's attracting attention that makes me uncomfortable and I don't like being uncomfortable! I feel like I just wish my wife didn't want to attract that type of attention. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Backroads Posted July 17, 2011 Report Share Posted July 17, 2011 Maybe she is just that happy with the new wardrobe. Clothes are fun. I'm also thinking mid-life crisis. Part of me wants to argue that if she's covering her garment there's only so much she can show off. but, as applepansy said, modesty is an attitude as well. It's also not just a lack of skin when it comes to clothing. And based on my short experience with garments... some of the tops have the same problem as some swimsuits as applepansy also mentioned... and she could be taking advantage of it. As for people checking her out... what if your wife is just a beautiful and sexy woman who is going to appear that way to other men no matter what she is wearing? That can't be stopped. Also, not that many women like to wear baggy clothing. So in the regard, I do have to wonder how much of this is just you. My advice is to really look at what she's wearing, maybe compare it to what all the other LDS ladies are wearing, and decide if it really is that bad. If it is, I think advice of how to talk to your wife as been given. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applepansy Posted July 17, 2011 Report Share Posted July 17, 2011 (edited) If I wear something that makes my husband uncomfortable and he mentions that he's uncomfortable, I change my clothes. I love my husband I because I love him I don't want him to be "uncomfortable." My husband responds in a similar way when I'm uncomfortable. I can't help but feel that there is more going on here than just modest clothing. Why doesn't she care how you feel? Mutual respect in a relationship is important. Nothing happens separately. When we're married its a partnership. What you wear or don't wear will affect her and visa versa. I could go on... finances, the car, the house, the kids. Edited July 17, 2011 by applepansy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmarklin Posted July 18, 2011 Report Share Posted July 18, 2011 I have a little problem I'd like some input on.My wife and I disagree on what clothing is modest. She likes to wear clothing that's a little tight fitting and revealing in form and cleavage. Same with swimwear. She wears a one piece but it's low cut and revealing in the front.It makes me uncomfortable to be with her if she's wearing this type of clothing/swimwear. I've talked to her about this but those discussions go badly because we disagree on what's modest. So after years of this I feel like I've given up on resolving it. If we're going somewhere and she puts on clothes that make me uncomfortable I usually just clam up and avoid her if possible. For example if she suggests going swimming I will look for excuses not to be able to go but if I can't get out of it I'll just figure out ways to stay away from her at the pool. She notices and says something but she just thinks I need to get over it.I don't care what she does or how she dresses when I'm not around. It only bothers me when I'm with her and I see other guys checking her out.Most of us guys should be so lucky...............:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrlb Posted July 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2011 If I wear something that makes my husband uncomfortable and he mentions that he's uncomfortable, I change my clothes. I love my husband I because I love him I don't want him to be "uncomfortable." My husband responds in a similar way when I'm uncomfortable.I can't help but feel that there is more going on here than just modest clothing. Why doesn't she care how you feel? Mutual respect in a relationship is important. Nothing happens separately. When we're married its a partnership. What you wear or don't wear will affect her and visa versa. I could go on... finances, the car, the house, the kids.Sounds like a dream! Hopefully we can get there someday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrlb Posted July 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2011 Most of us guys should be so lucky...............:)About which part?!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starrynight Posted July 18, 2011 Report Share Posted July 18, 2011 I would try to be understanding to your wife and try to see the positives in her new style. She probably feels like she has finally figured out how to dress well and is enjoying the confidence that comes along with that. (If dress had no effect on your own confidence, business professionals wouldn't value the 'power suit' so highly!). I doubt she is actually trying to show off cleavage or look sexy for other people. You are probably just not used to her wearing anything that accentuates her figure, and if you are married to a woman who still has a figure, believe me, EVERYTHING highlights the female body except baggy t-shirts and sweats. It really is okay for good LDS women to wear things except baggy capris and their husbands' t-shirts. I live in Utah County and I see a lot of Mormon wives who don't take care of themselves and it really hurts their self-esteem as well as the image of the Church. P.S. If she is well-endowed there really is nothing you can do about cleavage. I have a relative who is quite large up there and it's unavoidable. Sure, she can throw on a t-shirt that is three sizes too big, and maybe it hides her chest a bit, but then she also looks like, to use her words, "a fat cow." P.P.S. Attention from other guys is highly variable. I hardly ever get catcalled when I'm out with my husband, dressed up in a nice outfit. I actually receive more lewd attention from guys when I'm frumping around in sweats. Some guys have a thing for women with a pretty face who look like they don't have self-esteem. I wonder if maybe you are more sensitive to the looks she gets now that her dress has changed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetiepie Posted July 19, 2011 Report Share Posted July 19, 2011 (edited) It sounds like she is still honoring her garments, but enjoying looking nice. You should be happy that after 20 years of marriage, she still likes to look good and impress you! Maybe you should compliment her and say how grateful you are that she still works hard to look nice. I love it when my husband says that to me. It makes me happy that he notices that I work hard to keep a figure and look nice. Women like that. It helps us feel attractive and happy. Edited July 19, 2011 by sweetiepie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slamjet Posted July 19, 2011 Report Share Posted July 19, 2011 I swear, what comes to mind is, if she doesn't want my eyes to wander around, then don't make it so that everyone else has their eyes wander to my wife! But then I'm divorced so my opinion is worth just that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaneDoe Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 I just find myself in the situation where she's attracting attention that makes me uncomfortable and I don't like being uncomfortable! I feel like I just wish my wife didn't want to attract that type of attention.You keep saying you don't like to feel uncomfortable. How does your wife feel about the attention in public? Do you give her enough attention at home? Could she possibly be seeking attention else where because she's not receiving enough at home? Do heads still turn even if she's not wearing tight revealing clothing? I, personally, do not wear revealing clothing. I know and feel attractive. My husband tells me this and makes me feel this way always. I've never asked him to. He just does it out of love. Now I do notice double takes when we're out places. Like I said before, I don't wear revealing clothing. I suppose double takes happen because I am attractive. I'm not asking for the attention. It just happens, and honestly, I feel flattered since I'm getting close to my 30's. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 Am I the only one that thinks the issue has nothing to do with modesty? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Backroads Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 Am I the only one that thinks the issue has nothing to do with modesty?I'm getting the vibe there's a communication problem somewhere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shine7 Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 (edited) I'm sorry to read about what you are going through. It would be embarrassing for you. Do seek God's help to love her/accept her 'where she's at' and pray for her; put her name in the temple; the world so easily grabs each one of us in different areas of weakness. So many mormon women and girls think if their tight clothing has a sleeve: that is somehow modest; but they are being duped. The prophet can let us know what the standards are, then we personally must choose to follow. Sadly, it does not always end well....... My son was a counselor to a great bishop.....when I went to visit, I was so shocked when meeting his darling wife: she was 'dressed to kill' with low cut and tight, very sexy dress, and the body to flaunt it. That worried me. Fast forward 4 years: she just divorced her husband. Her disobedience in wearing worldly clothing that isn't modest was where it started.....a seemingly small choice that grew over the years into a divorce. Yes, temple marriage/4 adorable kids. Edited July 20, 2011 by shine7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slamjet Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 a seemingly small choice that grew over the years into a divorce.I would dare say that there may be more to it than that than we will ever know. But in reading between the lines of your post, it seems you're saying attitude, attitude, attitude. Of that there can be no disagreement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Martain Posted August 3, 2011 Report Share Posted August 3, 2011 Why not make a personal visit to your Bishop?Explain your concerns and feelings to him and ask for priesthood advice?Perhaps she would react differently if the advice were coming from him rather than you?As for swimwear, I've had it pointed out to me that often it is a case of either being unable to find or being unable to afford a more modest alternative. To aid in the first I offer said alternative.Is she intentionally seeking out attention of other men? Is this a form of exhibitionism? I don't know.A question I would however have for you is how often do you two attend the temple?While said question of course must needs take into consideration whether or not you have a temple nearby, it is never the less relevant.If at all possible, I expect, a weekly endowment/sealing session with your wife will work wonders. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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