Advice Needed

[DAWNEERN]

Long story short....

Hubby was watching porn........

Hubby wants me to join in.....I did......I hated it and stopped

He doesn't watch anymore because he says it means nothing without me

Hubby wants me to send photos of me to him via text.........

I did.........I hated it............I stopped

Hubby wants me to "talk dirty" to him via text....

I am so burned out on intimacy because of the above I won't

He says I am pushing him away.

I feel more and more distant everyday he texts me asking for me to talk "porn" to him.

I don't know how to get him to stop.

He has ruined our intimacy with the porn.

[FunkyTown]

I think your hubby might not know how degraded you feel with pornography.

The world doesn't really let us know pornography is wrong and to understand why.

Your husband needs to repent, but first we need to know how to communicate to him. Is he a member?

[DAWNEERN]

Yes he is. Born and raised. He says porn is not wrong when it is between a couple. I completely disagree but can not find anything to support what I know is true in my heart.

[pam]

This is a wonderful talk by President Hinckley that discusses a bit about pornography in marriage.

A Tragic Evil among Us - general-conference

[FunkyTown]

And your husband just set me off. I understand the whole porn addiction thing. I do. It's designed to entrap and titillate, and the world says it isn't wrong.

But the evils of pornography have been discussed in every general conference in... What? The past ten years? More?

Pornography is wrong because it takes a son or daughter of God and reduces them to nothing more than a tool for your own pleasure. When you dehumanize someone - For whatever reason - It becomes easy to hate them, to look down on them, to do acts of incredible evil.

And that's just done by taking a good thing - Sex - And using it in a way it was never intended. God knew the dangers inherent in the medium. We've been warned. Some might fall, and that is tragic, but to allow ourselves to think that pornography is okay denies us the chance to seek repentance. That needs to be corrected before we can even seek to repent.

[Connie]

Combating Pornography <---Link

[DAWNEERN]

I came across this site by accident. I so appreciate all the advice so far. I have felt so alone and have at times questioned myself.

[Dravin]

Pornography is wrong because it takes a son or daughter of God and reduces them to nothing more than a tool for your own pleasure. When you dehumanize someone - For whatever reason - It becomes easy to hate them, to look down on them, to do acts of incredible evil.

Additionally it makes a mock of what should be a sacred act made within the bounds of marriage. It's akin to doing a community production of the endowment turned into a comedy, it not only removes something sacred from it's proper place but also it's proper context.

[Windseeker]

It's not your fault you don't feel like being intimate anymore. You shouldn't feel bad or guilty for what you have done either. It sounds allot like your being manipulated and emotionally abused. What is taking place in the bedroom seems awfully one-sided and hardly consensual.

The Porn needs to go and then you need to communicate what you willing and not willing to do. When he watches it he’s committing adultery in his heart period. The Savior said so himself, what more do you need??

"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matt 5:27-28).

He needs to not only consider your feelings and desires but as your husband he should be protecting them and guarding them as well.

[annewandering]

Has he always been this way? It just sounds so odd that he is wanting porn like behaviour in everything. It seems like he is wanting you to be like the porn stars. Makes me wonder if he really has stopped watching porn at all.

[Backroads]

I will never understand the point of porn, outside or inside of marriage. I've heard several times that pornography within marriage enables a sexual relationship and that there is something wrong with you if you DON'T require pornographic titillation to get physically excited about your spouse. If that's not a wicked and degrading message, I don't know what is.

It is a question if this is a sudden change. Maybe he does feel that something is missing in your intimacy, but this is hardly the best way to go about changing things. I'm also wondering if there is a physical problem with him... why does he all of a sudden need porn to get excited?

Edited November 1, 2011 by Backroads

[AGStacker]

I will never understand the point of porn, outside or inside of marriage. I've heard several times that pornography within marriage enables a sexual relationship and that there is something wrong with you if you DON'T require pornographic titillation to get physically excited about your spouse. If that's not a wicked and degrading message, I don't know what is.

It is a question if this is a sudden change. Maybe he does feel that something is missing in your intimacy, but this is hardly the best way to go about changing things. I'm also wondering if there is a physical problem with him... why does he all of a sudden need porn to get excited?

Backroads - I agree with your statement but I want to ask something. Let's assume we already have to people who are attracted to each other. Doesn't have to be you personally but so a man gets excited because of the physical and from what I understand women usually get excited from more of the emotional. Correct me if I'm wrong.

My question is, could "chic flicks" or romantic comedies be something in similar nature to women as porn is to men? Don't get me wrong. Pornography is much more horrible but I've watched some of these flicks with my fiance and am wondering if these types of films get women excited. I am not saying this is the case with my fiance at all but just wondering if my thoughts and feelings about this is correct at all.

If they do, I believe that women shouldn't watch them either. To me, most of these "love" films involve affairs or fornication or sexual promiscuity. And no, I am not talking about rated R movies. I am talking about movies like the "Notebook" or "500 Days of Summer" etc. Honest question.

[Jennarator]

Backroads - I agree with your statement but I want to ask something. Let's assume we already have to people who are attracted to each other. Doesn't have to be you personally but so a man gets excited because of the physical and from what I understand women usually get excited from more of the emotional. Correct me if I'm wrong.

My question is, could "chic flicks" or romantic comedies be something in similar nature to women as porn is to men? Don't get me wrong. Pornography is much more horrible but I've watched some of these flicks with my fiance and am wondering if these types of films get women excited. I am not saying this is the case with my fiance at all but just wondering if my thoughts and feelings about this is correct at all.

If they do, I believe that women shouldn't watch them either. To me, most of these "love" films involve affairs or fornication or sexual promiscuity. And no, I am not talking about rated R movies. I am talking about movies like the "Notebook" or "500 Days of Summer" etc. Honest question.

I can only answer this from my point of view.

For me those movies can make me feel emotional, but not arroused. Sometimes these movies make me not in the mood to jump in bed with my husband, because I am already emotionally drained from it. It's my understanding that porn makes people arroused. I could be wrong, but doesn't it get people in the mood? Personally I don't see chick flicks the same way as I see porn. I do feel that many of the chick flicks are laced with fornication or sexual promiscuity, caution should be made when selecting movies.

[estradling75]

My question is, could "chic flicks" or romantic comedies be something in similar nature to women as porn is to men? Don't get me wrong. Pornography is much more horrible but I've watched some of these flicks with my fiance and am wondering if these types of films get women excited. I am not saying this is the case with my fiance at all but just wondering if my thoughts and feelings about this is correct at all.

I think a better case could be made for romance novels then your generic "chic flicks"

[Jennarator]

I think a better case could be made for romance novels then your generic "chic flicks"

I agree with that. The only time I have read any part of one of those was in Jr high. It was very explicit, and I put it right down. I would even consider that a form of porn.

[Backroads]

Backroads - I agree with your statement but I want to ask something. Let's assume we already have to people who are attracted to each other. Doesn't have to be you personally but so a man gets excited because of the physical and from what I understand women usually get excited from more of the emotional. Correct me if I'm wrong.

My question is, could "chic flicks" or romantic comedies be something in similar nature to women as porn is to men? Don't get me wrong. Pornography is much more horrible but I've watched some of these flicks with my fiance and am wondering if these types of films get women excited. I am not saying this is the case with my fiance at all but just wondering if my thoughts and feelings about this is correct at all.

If they do, I believe that women shouldn't watch them either. To me, most of these "love" films involve affairs or fornication or sexual promiscuity. And no, I am not talking about rated R movies. I am talking about movies like the "Notebook" or "500 Days of Summer" etc. Honest question.

Great question.

I am going to say, yes. I even remember an Ensign article from years ago speaking out on problems with even the more mild romance novels. However, for me personally, chick flicks rarely make me significantly more sexually romantic--usually, they just inspire me in some romantic section of some story I'm writing (no, I don't write that kind of romance, I write for children/young adults most of the time.)

However, over the years I do think the romance of your average chick flick has changed over the years to more sexually charged--yes, even on the emotional level you speak of. There's a difference between stuff from the days and nature of While You Were Sleeping and The Notebook and 500 Days of Summer.

Now, do I think there is anything wrong with being sexually excited to be with your spouse? Not in the least. But there is a nice big thick bold line somewhere between appropriately romantic (on either the physical or emotional leve) and the pornographic (also on the physical and emotional level).

[Bini]

The Notebook is like one of my favourite love stories! I cry and cry and cry every time I watch it. While you Were Sleeping is also a big favourite of mine. Neither turn me on, they're just tear-jerkers for me.

[Backroads]

The Notebook is like one of my favourite love stories! I cry and cry and cry every time I watch it. While you Were Sleeping is also a big favourite of mine. Neither turn me on, they're just tear-jerkers for me.

Gah! And I can't stand "The Notebook"! I still remember the first time I saw it: we were at camp and adult staff (meaning late-teens/early twenties kids) wanted to do a movie. The boys picked "The Notebook" and ironically all the girls got bored while the boys were hooked.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I think the lure of "The Notebook" for the guys is how an attractive, charismatic woman like the lead character could ditch the successful, handsome, rich tycoon and marry a homely, average guy like Gosling (who is LDS, I understand). That was one chic flick I actually liked -- for that reason.

It's kind of the same satisfaction one gets from reading certain Sherlock Holmes tales, where Sherlock Holmes puts people in authority in their place (like the British Lord in The Priory School, for example), or the British Prime Minister in the Naval Treaty.

These kinds of things are therapeutic to the common man. I can see how they would not be very endearing to a woman watching the Notebook, and to the powerful person reading a Sherlock Holme's story

This appeal to the underdog is present in this video of "I'm falling for you" by Colby Callait -- epitomized below....it wouldn't surprise me if it's more appealing to men than women.

Edited November 2, 2011 by mormonmusic

[RMGuy]

Additionally it makes a mock of what should be a sacred act made within the bounds of marriage. It's akin to doing a community production of the endowment turned into a comedy, it not only removes something sacred from it's proper place but also it's proper context.

WOW! That is a great analogy Dravin! An entire sermon boiled down to two sentences!

-RM

[drr456]

ANYTHING that makes you feel bad, sad, angry, indifferent, negative, etc.. Is Satan's work. Period. There's nothing wrong with talking dirty to your husband in your own privacy. Things that make you feel good, ice cream, your kids, going to church, smiling, etc.. Those are things that are heavenly inspired and you feel good. Oviously, you hated it, it's taking away from your marriage, etc. These are all negative things. There's not one thing that's negative about Heavenly Father. That should tell you a whole lot. Porn is designed to cause you trouble and by golly, that's what it's doing! It's an addiction and it's hard to break even the lowest of animals don't "watch" their own kind "do it". It's the devils work for sure. That's why you're having troubles! If it were godly, you'd feel good about it! Pray about it and ask Heavenly Father for his help. He'll help ya!

[MorningStar]

For an LDS man to even feel comfortable asking his wife to watch porn with him, that's pretty twisted. He has gone to great lengths to justify the behavior. So because you guys are married, that makes it all right to watch videos of other people having sex? And it made it OK for them to make those videos? As if they provide a service to save people's marriages?

You can be 99.9% sure that he watched plenty of porn before marriage. LDS men don't make the sudden decision to watch it while married and ask their wives to join in. So sorry you're dealing with that. I would tell him I'm not comfortable being intimate with him until he gets help.