Honesty in the marriage

[bjbug]

In 2009 I cheated on my husband. During that time, I did feel like I was falling out of love with him and told him that. I since gone to the bishop, per his request and finished that repentance process. Now I still find myself with very strong emotions toward the person I had this affair with. I thought time would help me get over him that it was just a phase I was going through. I still find myself thinking about him daily. I've prayed I'd get over this and realize what a great man I have right in front of me, but I still am struggling with that. He is a great dad and really is a great husband. I just don't know if love can be forced anymore. I do love my husband, but it's not the same anymore. It's almost more of a love of a best friend, somebody who I admire and respect. I don't know how else to explain it. I am really upset that I see this great person in front of me, but emotionally am not as connected as I should be to him. I still find myself thinking about this other person daily.

I know is it is rotten of me and I know how horrible this situation is and how unfair it is to my husband. I've prayed and wanted to keep this family together, but now am questioning if by pretending everything is ok, if it is really fair to my husband. I've thought long and hard about this and if the situation was reversed, I think I would want my husband to tell me that he has feelings for somebody else rather than go through this marriage and living somewhat of a lie. I know how deeply I'd be hurt, but with time, we heal. I really wouldn't want him to stay with me if he felt like he wanted somebody else. I just need advice as to the best thing to do.

We do have three kids with age ranging from 6 to 15. Do I just keep pretending things are fine to keep this family intact or do I tell my husband the truth so that he could find somebody that can love him and give him the love that he derserves?

Like I said, I've gone through the repentance process, but even going through that doesn't make me stop having the feelings I have for this other person. I wish it would because then I wouldn't be here asking for advice, but I just am not sure what to do anymore. Honestly my husband has always been more church oriented than I am from the start. I stay involved for the kids. The reason I ask my question here is because of his strong beliefs. I'm really struggling now and like many other people, I never thought I'd be here asking for advice for this type of situation, but don't know what else to do. On all outward appearances, everything seems fine. Nobody suspects anything, but on the inside for me, I feel like I'm just going through the actions of trying to keep things together, but emotionally have become disconnected. I keep pretending for the family sake or should I be honest and possibly break up this marriage? For me, I'd want to know, but I just don't know if that is the best idea. Please help. My husband always told me especially when I had the affair that he wants honesty. Right now I feel like that I'm not giving him that. He deserves somebody great. He has so much love and I want him to be able to find somebody that can give him that same amount of love in return. He deserves that. I hate that I'm asking for advice on this type of situation. I just don't know where else to turn anymore. Would you want to know if your spouse was feeling this way or would you rather have him/her pretend everything is ok for the family? For me I feel like if I knew sooner and that if my spouse told me earlier, I'd be better off than finding out later because I would of had the chance to move on with my life. I don't know if that's the right idea though. If keeping the family together is more important then I probably won't tell him to avoid the pain it would cause him. I'm just going around in circles and rambling. I'm just at a lost. Please help.

[Vort]

You use the phrase "repentance process" like it's some kind of step-by-step list you run through. This may not be what you mean, but I have found many in the Church to think exactly that; witness how often we hear lessons on repentance that feature the "Five Rs" (or six, or seven, depending on who wrote the list).

In the most recent General Conference, President Eyring noted that justification means a divine forgiveness of sin, whereas sanctification means a removal of the effects of sin. When you say repeatedly that you have "gone through the repentance process", I assume that means you have repented of this heinous sin. If so, you have achieved justification. You now need to work toward sanctification, the removal of the damaging effects of the sin. Then again, it's possible that you have not yet truly repented, despite having "gone through the repentance process", and this is what is holding you back.

It could not hurt to talk with your bishop about this. He may be able to guide you along the path you need to take.

Just some ideas for you to chew on.

[skippy740]

"Back two weeks ago, I had a mocha coffee shake. I gave it up and went through the repentance process... but it's just not the same." (Note: I'm demonstrating absurdity by being absurd.)

Sin is sin. And sometimes, the heart and emotions can LIE to us. You need to lead your heart. You are contemplating breaking up an eternal family... so you can "be with your lust". What kind of example would that be to your kids?

You need a change of heart... to direct it back to your husband. No marriage is perfect and no marriage is without some kind of struggle.

The real question is: What are you made of? Are you really a person who would sacrifice your family because 'I'm not in love anymore'?

May I recommend that you read any Dr. Laura book before you make any decisions?

[annewandering]

If I decide I want to stop eating chocolate do I work in a candy store? If it were me I would move and remove the temptation from myself. Then I would start praying to love the man I admired and liked and once loved to the point that I committed my life to.

Would I tell my husband? I might tell him I was having trouble with temptation and would like him to support me in moving away from it.

You have the makings of a good marriage if you let it be. The best thing in marriage is friendship. that will last even when you are old and feeble.

[Guest mormonmusic]

It's normal to keep having feelings toward someone you had love for. I know this because

a) I helped a woman get past her adultery (a non-member) and she continued to have feelings for her lover for some years afterwards in spite of a good relationship with her husband and

b) I had strong emotional feelings for someone at the 10 year mark in my marriage. I never acted on them, but I continued to have strong feelings and a tug toward the person for years afterwards during the times I wasn't happy in my marriage.

The lover met some very important emotional needs in your life. You need to find out what they were, and then see if you can work with your husband to have those needs met in your marriage. Go to Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice and read over the emotional needs that are common in relationships, figure out which ones your ex-lover met, and see what can be done to have those needs met in you marriage.

Also, get some physical distance between you and your ex-lover if you can. I moved 1200 miles away for employment reasons and this made the memory fade significantly. Cut off all contact, get rid of all memorabilia and things that trigger thoughts about him if distance is not possible.

Unlike the others I think you can be through the repentence process behaviorally and have that as a valid experience. You are not acting on your feelings, and its time to let time and effort invested in your husband to let those feelings toward your ex-lover subside.

In terms of honesty -- I would think honesty about how you would like to improve your marriage is adviseable, but I wouldn't say "I love you as a friend". I would work on getting the marriage back into the kind of selfless intimacy you probably once shared through working on the marriage and meeting each other's emotional needs. You also need to know your husband's emotional needs and meet them -- he may well start doing things that revive the passion in your relationship as a result.

Edited November 9, 2011 by mormonmusic

[Windseeker]

Dallin H Oaks said once "the fact that something is true is not always a justification for communicating it"

You've stated you love your husband and so expressing your Love to him is not a lie. I wouldn't tell him you're still thinking of the other person for "Truths" sake if you get my meaning. You should talk to your Bishop as many have suggested. If he tells you to share this with your husband than at that point it's probably a good idea.

You can control your emotions, you can control who you like and don't like. President Kimball taught us we can Lock our Hearts.

I second MM's suggestion. This particular link talks about how to work thru the withdrawal period.

Coping with Infidelity: The End (Part 2)

I've been in your husbands position and my exwife told me one of the reasons why she left me and our 4 children was that she could not be around us. She felt guilty and the more forgiving I was and the harder I tried to please her the worse she felt. It's tragic and I hope you can pull it together and learn that true happiness and true love comes from losing ourselves in giving to and serving others.

[JudoMinja]

Why are you equating telling the truth to breaking up the marriage? Would I want my spouse to tell me if they were still struggling with something after going through the repentance process for it? YES! Tell the truth. Telling the truth does not mean that you are going to get a divorce. That only happens if you've decided that a divorce is the only way you can be happy, because you think you are currently "living a lie". Many adulterous people convince themselves of this and it is the reason they break up their marriages. They want to believe that they are doing the right thing by leaving, because it is wrong to stay in a marriage with someone you no longer love while you have loving feelings for someone else. This is wrong, though. THIS is the lie. You will not be happy if you leave your marriage for another.

Tell your husband that you need help working on your marriage, because despite having repented you are still fighting thoughts and feelings for the other man. I advice you do what mormonmusic suggested together. Determine what your emotional needs are in your relationship and strive to meet them. Spend time enriching and "fireproofing" your marriage.

Romantic love begins with a feeling, but that feeling fades away as the excitement and novelty of the relationship fades. At that point, love is no longer a feeling- it is a choice. The feeling gets it going, but you have to CHOOSE to stay the course- to serve your husband, to express your love and devotion with your actions and choices. When things get rough and rocky, you have to decide that you are going to stick with it. As time passes, you will realize that your love has grown and evolved into something far more wonderful and complete than the feeling that got you started. You will never find this feeling if you give up and pursue your lusts.

[girlygirl]

Can I just put it out there that the kind of 'love' you seem to be infatuated with does not exist. I was fortunate enough to go through enough relationships to know that a hot butterfly in stomach completely consuming love fizzles after awhile and what counts at the end of the day is a love where you are best buds and care for each other.

C.S. Lewis in The Four Loves states an all consuming intense love would be unpractical and needs to grow into a more comfortable stage of love, friendship.

Sometimes I think about a past relationship and how 'intense' our feelings were for each other, but I then remind myself how he was a liar, or some shortcoming, and how I am so lucky to have someone now who is my bestfriend without the hangups.

Could you think you are just bored with life in general and are seeing someone else as being some exciting deviant adventure and an escape almost? My advice to you is the grass is always greener on the otherside. I think a talk with your husband would really hurt him. But then again, it could bring him up to date that maybe you guys need to spice things up a bit and not be so complacent.

Perhaps read the Four Loves- sounds like you are lucky to have the relationship you are in and might be chasing what C.S. Lewis would call 'a false God'...

[Guest]

You can inject sizzle into a friendship, but you can't always make friendship from sizzle.

[AGStacker]

I am not sure where you would have the time to learn to "love" this other person? Love DOES NOT magically appear but is created and nurtured and grows. This takes time. Anyone who says other wise is fooling you. So either you spend way too much time, which is ANY time at all, with this person or you are lusting after him. Either way, you are putting the destiny of your eternal family at stake. Tread carefully.

[mrmarklin]

Please quit being selfish. Your youngest child is 6 and deserves to be raised in an intact family. Your husband is obviously not a monster, so this is really all about YOU, isn't it???

Your children deserve better, assuming that they don't know how you really are.

[drr456]

Just my opinion. Satan has a way of making things seem exciting, fun, worth the risk, magical. It's one of his best temptations. I think you're still "caught up" in the excitment of it all. You're not remembering the awkwardness, the shame you felt, the loneliness of it all. He does that on purpose. He just wants you to think it was all great when in actually you did experience the awkwardness, etc.. You're thinking about this other person because it WAS exciting and you and he made you feel something you haven't felt from your hubby in a while. When you think about ending your marriage over this thing you repented about only gives Satan what he after to begin with! You're fixing to give the sin more credit than is due! It's a sin NOT a blessing. To base anything on a sin can only lead to more problems!! This is one of Satan's better tricks because emotions can be so mis-leading. You're day dreaming over a sin. Know it for what it is and whenever you get those thoughts You just say outloud "I am the daughter of the Heavenly Father and I command you to go" and if you do that every time, it'll work. You have to REALLY repent and mean it. Don't give up your wonderful marriage for a sin. It'll only bring you sorrow. I promise.

[bjbug]

Please quit being selfish. Your youngest child is 6 and deserves to be raised in an intact family. Your husband is obviously not a monster, so this is really all about YOU, isn't it???

Your children deserve better, assuming that they don't know how you really are.

You are right. I never said my husband was a monster. I know I am the one with the problem and that is why I have asked for advice on this board. I've already told him that kids and him deserve better. You've stated nothing new. Yes, this is about me. That is why I am asking for advice on my behalf. I sure hope you have never served as a bishop, because if that was the case, I would never go to you.

Do your kids know how you really are? I've made a very bad mistake, I know, but I'm asking for advice to help me better deal with this. You must be one to be able to cast the first stone since your kids probably know all about you and know how perfect of a person you are.

[Windseeker]

I've already told him that kids and him deserve better.

If what you mean is you really love them and want the best for them and that you feel you are falling short then leaving won't make it better that's for sure.

My wife told me this as she walked out on me and our 4 beautiful kids while we begged her to stay. In the end I guess we really didn't deserve her and our forgiveness and love meant nothing. The other guy(s) did deserve her somehow.

It takes allot of courage to correct the kinds of mistakes you have made, but your family is worth it. I bet Heavenly Father thinks YOU'RE worth it.

Edited November 10, 2011 by Windseeker
spelling

[peanutgallery]

Just remember that if you leave your husband for this other man, the newness and excitement of that relationship will die off as well. Normal life will come and there will still be a house to clean, bills to pay, kids to raise...... It may not be the man you are in love with. It may be the excitement of something new. We all go through the fun of dating and being newlyweds. Then reality kicks in and it always does. Try treating your husband as though he were the new and exciting man.

Don't devastate your children over something exciting and temporary. You have something beautiful and eternal and you deserve it.

Edited November 10, 2011 by peanutgallery

[annewandering]

Probably a lot of people have had thoughts. The trick is to not follow them as you well know now. I see that you really do want to do the right thing. Do what you can to avoid contact with that person. Do what you can to serve your children and your husband. You have already said how much you like your husband as a friend. Sadly you also know how it felt when you gave into your thoughts about that other man. It has torn your life apart. Its time to put it back together and mend the breaks.

It would be a lot easier if you moved. I would give it a lot of thought.

You are already beating yourself up over your past actions. Maybe its time to make amends by service? Not slavery. Service. What would make your husband smile tonight? There are probably a lot of things that arent that hard to do although hard might feel more satisfying to you as penance but we are not talking penance here. We are talking about making him smile. :) It would be a start. Put your mind to doing something every day to make him smile. I bet it works.

[mrmarklin]

You are right. I never said my husband was a monster. I know I am the one with the problem and that is why I have asked for advice on this board. I've already told him that kids and him deserve better. You've stated nothing new. Yes, this is about me. That is why I am asking for advice on my behalf. I sure hope you have never served as a bishop, because if that was the case, I would never go to you.

Do your kids know how you really are? I've made a very bad mistake, I know, but I'm asking for advice to help me better deal with this. You must be one to be able to cast the first stone since your kids probably know all about you and know how perfect of a person you are.

I've never been a Bishop, but I know selfishness when I see it, and as has been stated by other posters, your family should be worth something......

[sister_in_faith]

I am so sorry that you are struggling, and I hope that you will find peace soon. I don't want to be critical, so please don't take anything I say as critisim... I'll just share my thoughts.

It sounds like you have a wonderful family. Something most people wish that they had. Your husband doesn't sound like a bad person at all, and I think you should fight to keep your family together. Even at the expense of you loosing this other 'man' (I put that in quotations, because a 'real' man wouldn't have allowed you to be put in this position. To a 'real' man, a wedding ring is a 'no entry' sign, especially when you have little ones involved. Do you really want to love a man who would willingly break your children's hearts? Okay, sorry I'll get off my soap box.).

With that said, your husband deserves honesty.

Also, it doesn't sound to me like you truly HAVE gone thru the repentence process, because it sounds (AND I COULD BE WRONG) like you are still having an emotional affair. You can't have truly repented of something you are still doing.

I think that you should seek counseling, both for yourself and you and your husband. You need to stop indulging yourself in this fantasy, and give your full attention to your husband and children. It sounds like you have a WONDERFUL thing going with a beautiful family. Remember what a blessing that is! There are a lot of people who would love to have what you have. Embrace it!

[bl80920335]

I think that honesty is the best course of action. Being truthful with your spouse may hurt in the short term but if you get through it, it will make your stronger in the end.

[mhsmd]

I dated a horrible, emotionally abusive guy before my husband. I still think about my ex almost every day. Mostly it is because I am still carrying feelings of anger and resentment; but it is also because there was a piece of that relationship that I wish were in my current marriage. I wouldn't trade my marriage for that relationship in a million years! But I still think about it fondly once in a blue moon, and I have pleasant dreams about my ex every couple weeks. I would never, ever tell my spouse about these feelings because I would never, ever trade the relationship with my spouse for the relationship with my ex. I also have dreams about my best friend, who is a male. I dreamt once that I was getting sealed to my best friend! I would never, ever tell my spouse because I don't want him to feel insecure. Am I tempted at times by other men? Yup. But I made a serious commitment to my husband, and I every time I am tempted I reaffirm to myself that I will never give him cause to mistrust me because I value our relationship. The fact that you have had an affair with this man that you seem to have feelings for would cause your husband to, most likely, feel as though you had cheated on him again. I suggest speaking with your bishop. Address these issues within yourself, and once you have decided what to do about them then tell your spouse. I think there is no need to cause undue strife, so first decide if it would be undue strife.