Broke up with abusive boyfriend - now he wont see our kids unless I get back with him

[mandy151982]

I am a single mother of a 2 year old girl and have just given birth to another little girl. Everything is really complicated. I was with my boyfriend for about 5 years, but the last 2 he started to treat me like rubbish. Basically trying to control everything in my life, being really nasty about the things I was saying and treating me like I was an idiot, being very manipulative and what I can only describe as mental abuse. I thought that it was my fault at first so tried to ignore it etc because i loved him so much, but eventually it got to me and I told him to leave in the hope it would shock him into treating me like he used to again. He came begging back and I took him back again, only for it to all start again not long after. So I broke up with him proper this time but he got his parents (also very manipulative) to come around telling me things like I have to take him back for the sake of the child and that it doesnt matter if im not happy. Eventually they got to me and I stupidly took him back again. This time he did treat me really well like when we first met almost, and I fell pregnant again with our second child. Not long after he got back to his old ways of putting me down all the time, trying to control which friends I saw, ignoring our little girl unless I made him look after her (which just lead to him yelling at her to be quite all the time), id just had enough and realised I'm better than putting up with him so I broke up with him for good, absolutely determined not to go back with him. He tried everything from emotional blackmail to getting his parents to constantly ring me and come round, I let him come round to see our girl every 2 weekends in the hope he would still be a dad to our children, but every time it just ended in a row about getting back with him.

A while later he stopped coming to see us which I was really upset about because I dont want our children to be without a dad even if we are apart. A few months went past and I fell in love with someone else who has just been amazing with me and my little girl. He has changed my life.. But I still don't want our children to not know their real dad or see him. Obviously after he found out I was seeing someone else he was really angry and I haven't heard from him since. He never even bought his little girl an xmas present or even a card. I had my second little girl a few days ago but he doesnt want to know. Last time I seen him he said he doesn't want anything to do with our kids if we cant be together again.

He has made me feel like all this is my fault. I dont know what to do I just feel like he still needs to be a dad to our children and accept that it was him that drove us apart.

Edited February 4, 2014 by mandy151982

[notquiteperfect]

I'm sorry for your troubles. I am glad that you've broken things off with him and that you've found someone who treats you better. I understand that you'd like your daughters to know their dad but a) a lot of that is up to him, b) as long as they have a positive father figure, they'll be ok, c) I wouldn't want an abusive/negative person around my kids anyway. As far as him owning his part in all of this, he might and he might not so just live your life and be the mom your girls need and deserve. {hugs}

[Suzie]

Mandy, I'm very sorry for the things you are going through. Like the saying goes "anyone can be a father but not everyone can be a dad". You cannot force him to be the dad you want him to be, it is his choice and I do not think you would like to know he comes and visit only out of obligation. Having said that, he has financial responsibilities towards both of his children and you should seek legal advise to ensure this is fulfilled.

[NeuroTypical]

I fell pregnant again with our second child.

Can someone explain this phrase to me? It seems to be particular to the UK. I'm having a hard time understanding it. It sort of sounds like something that accidentally happened, like falling down the stairs. Whoops! But people don't just accidentally get pregnant. They make the choice to have sex and risk pregnancy.

If someone can explain if this phrase is used as an excuse to duck responsibility or not, I'll be able to craft a more appropriate response.

[Vort]

Can someone explain this phrase to me? It seems to be particular to the UK. I'm having a hard time understanding it. It sort of sounds like something that accidentally happened, like falling down the stairs. Whoops! But people don't just accidentally get pregnant. They make the choice to have sex and risk pregnancy.

If someone can explain if this phrase is used as an excuse to duck responsibility or not, I'll be able to craft a more appropriate response.

This is a British-ism. It is a way of saying "then thus-and-such happened". I don't believe it's an attempt to avoid personal responsibility, just an idiomatic way of saying that something occurred.

[mirkwood]

I have 16 years experience as a police officer. That is how I am going to approach this.

You already know what he is like. I will be blunt for you: worthless. He is abusive and will continue to be abusive. He is manipulating you to get what HE wants, with no regard for you or the kids. If he chooses to check out of the kids lives...good. Now go find a good man, preferably with your same values, and move on without the loser. NOTHING good will come of you staying with him.

There are lots of fish in the ocean. Go catch a good one...the right way (and yes, there are plenty of good fish that will be happy to have you and be a stepdad).

[Mahone]

This is a British-ism. It is a way of saying "then thus-and-such happened". I don't believe it's an attempt to avoid personal responsibility, just an idiomatic way of saying that something occurred.

As a British speaker, I would understand the phrase to include hints that the pregnancy was unintentional. This isn't the same as ducking out of responsibility, but merely implies that they weren't actively trying to have another child at the time it occurred

I don't believe all cases of accidental pregnancy are due to being irresponsible.

[Swiper]

He has made me feel like all this is my fault. I dont know what to do I just feel like he still needs to be a dad to our children and accept that it was him that drove us apart.

Why on earth do you want this abusive individual to be around your children? He might be the biological father but he is definitely not fit to be a 'dad'. I honestly think that your children would be better off without this poor example of a man and father in their lives. If you are concerned about your children's need for a male role model in their lives you will need to look elsewhere and drop the illusion that the 'sperm donor' will ever step up and take responsibility. I'm sorry if I come off as harsh but your story sounds too much like my sister's story. Good luck.

Edited January 26, 2014 by Swiper

[mandy151982]

Thanks for your replies and advice everyone. Yes the phrase "fell pregnant" was meaning that it was unintentional - He started treating me right again and obviously I ended up having sex because I was in love with him still. I now wish I hadn't had another child by him but I can't change that.. As everyone has suggested I will just leave him be.. he deosnt deserve to be a dad anyway and the new man I am with has been just amazing. Maybe one day he will realise what he has done to us and that he lost a whole lot more than just me.

Edited February 4, 2014 by mandy151982

[MarginOfError]

As much as we like to talk about how important it is for children to have both a mother and a father, the following phrase is true and pertinent to your situation.

No father is better than an abusive father.

The psychological fallout of not having a father figure in your life is far less than the psychological fallout of being abused by your father. since you have found another partner who is loving and supportive of your children, let the biological father drift into oblivion.

[mandy151982]

Thanks Margin.. Will do.

Edited February 4, 2014 by mandy151982

[Quin]

I would pay every cent I ever earned, live on the streets, live naked on the streets, cut off my arm or leg (or both) if it meant my kids never had to see their abusive father /my ex-husband, ever, ever again.

None of this is exaggeration.

I've also debated running &/or just killing him.

Since I'm talking about those things, clearly I'm not planning on either, although the next trip to the ER because my daughter tries to kill herself at his house, or he leaves more bruises around my son's neck, and I may change my mind.

I envy you.

So, 2 mortal sins in 1 post, wish I had what you do.

Or rather, didn't have what you don't.

Q

[NeuroTypical]

Yes the phrase "fell pregnant" was meaning that it was unintentional - He started treating me right again and obviously I ended up having sex because I was in love with him still.

Ok - so you are trying to duck responsibility here. Mandy, when you choose to have sex with someone, you are making the intentional choice to risk getting pregnant. There is no such thing as accidentally getting pregnant.

I guess that's where I'd start - by learning how to be honest with yourself about how reality works. Hoping for something doesn't change people, any more than it will stop sperm from meeting an egg. He isn't what you want him to be. Stop hoping you can change him, and accept that he is who he is.

We are supposed to have hope. But our hope must be rooted in reality. Don't give up on life, just on your fantasy.

[ditd]

Ok - so you are trying to duck responsibility here. Mandy, when you choose to have sex with someone, you are making the intentional choice to risk getting pregnant. There is no such thing as accidentally getting pregnant.

You are making the assumption that everyone received a good level of sexual and social education.

I agree that falling pregnant is a risk of unprotected sex however as members of the church we are usually well taught in matters such as pre-marital sex, procreation and family planning.

Having grown up in the UK and being a convert I can assure you that there are many areas that lack adequate education and have social opinions and perspectives that promote unhealthy sexual behaviour

I am not defending Mandy's actions but I feel that we should meet this situation with love and hope/help for her future

[Vort]

You are making the assumption that everyone received a good level of sexual and social education...Having grown up in the UK and being a convert I can assure you that there are many areas that lack adequate education and have social opinions and perspectives that promote unhealthy sexual behaviour

I actually mostly agree with what you have said, but the above gives me cause for pause. Are you saying that young Brits are unaware that sex leads to pregnancy?

[ditd]

Are you saying that young Brits are unaware that sex leads to pregnancy?

Haha, please excuse my poor communication skills.

I think that it is part of Satan's attempts to destroy the family which I feel promotes the ideal that sex is primarily for pleasure and selfish gratification and that sex for procreation becomes an afterthought. It's not that people are unaware that sex leads to pregnancy but lust and selfish fulfillment prevail over love and clear thought that ultimately sex is a gift from HF for procreation.

I wouldn't say that it's just Brits however I do not have a lot of experience elsewhere to comment.

[Feild_Of_Paper_Flowers]

Oh Quin, that's a terrible situation, I'm really really sorry for what you and your kids are going through. Can't you do anything to get them away from him? I'm assuming a court lets him have access, and I worry about any court that lets an abusive father near his kids.

Mandy, I don't have a lot more to add, just stay away from your ex and good luck with the rest of your life. :)

Vort, I honestly believe that's the case in some respects. Sex education is optional or arrives too late and a lot of kids can't talk to their parents, so they don't know these things. State schools are making a big effort but the private/independent sector can teach what they like, and sex ed is often left out, (something I get on my soap box about at times.)

[NeuroTypical]

You are making the assumption that everyone received a good level of sexual and social education.

Actually, I'm making the assumption that after having one child, some realities about the facts of life will dawn on anyone.

I fell pregnant again with our second child.

...

Yes the phrase "fell pregnant" was meaning that it was unintentional - He started treating me right again and obviously I ended up having sex because I was in love with him still. I now wish I hadn't had another child by him but I can't change that.

So again, she had already had a kid, and then went on to call the second child "unintentional". That seems to be ducking responsibility, and from where I'm standing, any real shot at making a better life for herself involves first coming out of denial and owning what she owns.

I am not defending Mandy's actions but I feel that we should meet this situation with love and hope/help for her future

Agreed. Have you seen anyone on this thread not doing so?

[ditd]

If someone can explain if this phrase is used as an excuse to duck responsibility or not, I'll be able to craft a more appropriate response.

Firstly you assumed in your first post that the OP was trying to "duck responsibility. In pre-20th century English the term was used to describe a young woman (usually maid) who was taken advantage of by a gentleman of nobility however it has now become synonymous with becoming pregnant/conceiving a child

So again, she had already had a kid, and then went on to call the second child "unintentional". That seems to be ducking responsibility, and from where I'm standing, any real shot at making a better life for herself involves first coming out of denial and owning what she owns.

Agreed. Have you seen anyone on this thread not doing so?

I fail to see where she is ducking responsibility. From my perspective she admits that the child was unintentional however she does not use the term a mistake and only admitted it from pointed questioning. If anything I think she is taking a remarkable amount of responsibility (the sate or fact of having a duty to deal with something) for admitting that she was not being responsible at the time of conception but now she is trying to bring that child up in a good environment with good parents.

I agree with you're advice:

Hoping for something doesn't change people, any more than it will stop sperm from meeting an egg. He isn't what you want him to be. Stop hoping you can change him, and accept that he is who he is.

We are supposed to have hope. But our hope must be rooted in reality. Don't give up on life, just on your fantasy.

but at the same time I feel that accusing the OP of ducking responsibility is somewhat lacking in love. Isn't it why we have the saviour because we cannot change the past but we can be healed by it, converted and change how we deal with things in the present and be better in the future which is what Mandy is doing.

[Rimmer]

This guy who happens to have helped you make children sounds terrible. If he chooses to be a dad make sure someone is there with him that you trust as he will likely try to turn them against you. Someone who is mentally abusive will likely do all they can to control you.

By saying he will only see the kids if you are together is another sign of his desire for control. If he was a good man he would want to be a dad because he has kids, not because he wants the mother. And he likely only wants you because he has been able to put you down and control you in the past and you've gone back to him before. Get him out of your life. If he does eventually want to be an active father, be wary and careful. Good luck!

[McLainDow]

Like what has been said previously abusive boyfriends are usually abusive fathers.

[Drpepper]

Don't get hung up on the " I fell pregnant again" comment. That's normal speech here for I'm pregnant. It has nothing to do with education.

Mandy I was a little curious about the new man in your life. It seemed that he stepped in during the second pregnancy, you fell in love with him after 2 months and I'm assuming he was in the picture when you delivered your second child. I certainly don't want to sound insensitive but I'm wondering if you have taken the time to stop, you seem to be on an express train with relationships. I'm no Dr Phill?

On the flip side. I've seen people post situations like yours but after 10, 15, 20 years so good on you for making the decision early on.