Separate bedrooms - sleeping divorce

[jezzabella]

This is getting a lot more popular I've seen it in articles and friends/family who are members & non members. I'm curious as to how LDS couples deal about this?

I'm at my wits end with my snoring husband. It's not only the snoring, but that's the worst! We have been married five years. He has sleep apnea and I've had no trouble adjusting to the machine. For the last two years though he hasn't been wearing it much, to lately none at all. His snoring is keeping me awake night after night. Other issues are tv in the bedroom and eating in the bedroom. He thinks I'm ridiculous and being overly controlling because I want the bedroom to serve as a bedroom and not a living room/kitchen.

My only option I can see is to move into the guest room. This is the only thing we fight about, but is literally for hours every night and I'm crabby all day, he's like why are you so crabby? Really? REALLY????

So...... anyone else sleep separately?

Thanks!

[notquiteperfect]

Sleep is so critical to physical, mental, emotional health that I think you need to do what you need to do. If your husband doesn't understand your pov and isn't willing to make adjustments - he should be the one in the guest room (assuming the bedroom is more comfortable).

If you have kids, make sure you explain the situation so they don't panic.

Also, if you do have kids, moms need a space that is theirs so you're perfectly justified in not wanting the bedroom to also act like a second kitchen/living room.

I don't have these issues but if I were in your shoes, things would change *tonight*.

[Lakumi]

Sleep is a very important thing, I have a great many things I require for it, and it doesn't exactly lend itself well to anyone else (in the winter anyways) I mean neither of you are awake, it's not like there's any lost time together:lol:

[Backroads]

I've never put much thought into this but... yeah, if my husband ever put forth separate beds/bedrooms, I'd support the idea.

From what I've heard, everyone sleeps better all the way around.

[applepansy]

We don't sleep separately but his snoring and my pain keeps us awake. In 38 years of marriage there have been times when its been difficult to sleep in the same bed. I have sometimes joked "My sleeping disorder is named (insert hubby's name)." I don't anymore because I realized it was hurtful to my husband.

There was a time when I was working and I considered sleeping in the other room. But I didn't follow through. It would have irreparably hurt our relationship. Losing sleep is a small price to pay for a healthy marriage. Because we didn't make an issue out of separate bedrooms we are more considerate of each other's sleep and general well-being. If I feel I'm keeping hubby up or I feel he's keeping me up I will go downstairs to the couch. And hubby does the same. And... we don't feel slighted if one of us ends up on the couch. The important thing is we started the night together and we spend the majority of nights together. Night time is the only time when we are together without most other interruptions even if we are asleep. (In the last 4 years I'm often up at night with our grandson age 6 this month, so I really mean most other interruptions.) Sleeping together is an important bonding time.

Having said all that I would like to emphasize that marriage is a two way street and both parties need to be thinking of the other's welfare and giving 100%. I can hear the frustration behind your words. Have you tried to talk to your husband without fighting? Don't argue. Just calmly and quietly state the issue, then ask him to help you fix it. Men love to fix things. He can say he doesn't see the problem but that doesn't mean its not there. Give him time to digest and chew on it awhile. Do not reinterate or remind. If he hasn't come up with a solution in a reasonable time frame, bring it up again, but always walk away from arguing. I know it takes awhile for my husband to think things through and make sure he's using words and phrases that aren't going to push my buttons. ( :) Yup! I fly off the handle faster than he does.) Men often are the ones that take time to think through a problem and come up with good solutions.

Above all ..... Remind him repeatedly that you love him, love him, love him, love him. And ... Do not make your physical relationship (sex) part of the sleeping issue.

I wish you both the best in working this out.

[Guest]

Separate sleeping arrangement is not your problem here. There is no problem with sleeping in separate rooms. Your problem here is somebody is talking and somebody is not listening *. This needs to be fixed regardless of where y'all sleep.

* Note: I'm not saying you're the one talking and he's the one not listening... I'm also not saying he's the one talking and you're the one not listening... both of you need to talk and listen to each other.

[apexviper]

My dad had sleep apnea. While I feel sorry for what you're going through, you're going overboard in regards to his condition. Sleep is important but so is love. If you move into the other room because of it then he could get the impression that his sleep apnea makes him less valuable to you. There's no need to get upset because of a health condition he can't help having. It isn't his fault he got it. Does he know the apnea can clear up? My dad's is completely gone.

Talk with him about the food in the bedroom. Don't get all frustrated, just relax and talk calmly with him.

Having a TV in the bedroom is normal. Like I said, just talk calmly about it. You never make a situation better with contention.

[Jane_Doe]

Jezzabella,

My entire family snores, down to my 5 week old daughter. When it's Thanksgiving and all the uncles fall into turkey-coma, you can literally here the snoring from outside. And my husband is one of the worst of them. I have a separate bedroom to sleep soundly in, as do 6 of my aunts in the homes. The is ZERO shame in taking steps to get the rest you need, and having you well rested will help you and your marriage.

Additionally, sleeping in separate beds has been shown to improve marriages, even when one partner isn't a snorer (Sharing a bed is bad for your health: Want the dream marriage? Then sleep in separate beds | Mail Online).

[Quin]

My dad had sleep apnea. While I feel sorry for what you're going through, you're going overboard in regards to his condition. Sleep is important but so is love. If you move into the other room because of it then he could get the impression that his sleep apnea makes him less valuable to you. There's no need to get upset because of a health condition he can't help having. It isn't his fault he got it. Does he know the apnea can clear up? My dad's is completely gone.

Talk with him about the food in the bedroom. Don't get all frustrated, just relax and talk calmly with him.

Having a TV in the bedroom is normal. Like I said, just talk calmly about it. You never make a situation better with contention.

My mum has this.

She can be heard three FLOORS (in a high quality hotel) away.

At home, my parents sept over $25,000 sound proofing a room for her to sleep in (not to mention 10s of thousands in repeated surgeries which did little if any good).

Even so, some noise escapes.

But you don't have to shout to be heard by the person you're talking to.

And the neighbors down the street no longer complain.

My ex-husband also had this.

His version was so quiet that music set on the lowest setting drowned him out.

Personally (possibly from having grown up with my mum), I can sleep next to a construction site, by the ice machine & elevator, next to the El-train rumbling by shaking the whole room... Like a baby. Noise doesn't bother my sleep even a wink.

Others are such light sleepers that someone rolling over in bed (as everyone save coma patients do), or a dripping faucet wakes hem up dozens of times a night.

I suggest that the OP is in no way overreacting, or upset for no reason.

Instead that they say they're having a huge problem, because they're actually having a huge problem.

While it may make some people feel less loved, I can personally assure you, that for others it makes them feel more loved that their spouse is attempting to deal with a very serious problem. My own mum looooooves the fact that my father will -quite literally- go to any lengths to stay married to her.

Myself, I'm the kind of person that needs to be all tangled arms and legs with the person I love to feel best.

But while there are some people like me, I've found there are a lot more people like my parents.

They honestly don't care WHERE they sleep... As they're not awake.

They do care where they spend their waking hours.

Q

[notquiteperfect]

Although I stand by my earlier post - I've thought of a compromise -

you - wear earplugs

him - no more tv, eating, etc in bedroom

You could try this for a bit to see how well it works and then try something else as needed.

[garryw]

Having a TV in the bedroom is normal.

We don't have a TV in our house, so whenever we stay in a hotel my wife is glued to it. Personally I grew up without a TV and have never had one because they annoy me. I can't imagine having one in the bedroom. I'm sure it's normal for most people though.

[Irishcolleen]

We have been married more than 20 years and we still sleep in a full sized bed. We can't sleep when we are apart because we are used to being so close physically. We joke that we need to hold each other through the night or one of us will fall off the bed. There are times when I would love to just stretch my legs out, but I know my DH loves sleeping close, so I enjoy the fact that he likes being near me after so many years even knowing all my faults.

[mnn727]

I make my wife use her CPAP machine nightly and will wake her up to put it back on if it comes off.

I did sleep in the guest room for a while before she got her CPAP which she hated, so the deal was, we'd sleep together only as long as she wore the CPAP.

The eating thing I can't help you although we both usually have a small snack at bedtime; couple of cookies or crackers and cheese. We certainly wouldn't do a full meal.

TV - that's a whole separate battle and you should choose your battles wisely - start with the snoring; meaning work one thing at a time.

Anyone that says sleep apnea snoring is not a big deal has either not slept with someone with it or is deaf

Edited March 13, 2014 by mnn727

[apexviper]

I make my wife use her CPAP machine nightly and will wake her up to put it back on if it comes off.

I did sleep in the guest room for a while before she got her CPAP which she hated, so the deal was, we'd sleep together only as long as she wore the CPAP.

The eating thing I can't help you although we both usually have a small snack at bedtime; couple of cookies or crackers and cheese. We certainly wouldn't do a full meal.

TV - that's a whole separate battle and you should choose your battles wisely - start with the snoring; meaning work one thing at a time.

Anyone that says sleep apnea snoring is not a big deal has either not slept with someone with it or is deaf

The apnea itself is a big deal. However, the OP makes too much of a deal out of it. My mother never made my father get out of the bed because of his apnea and that's because her love for him is stronger than her dislike for the condition. There is no reason to get upset with someone because they have a medical condition. That's like being mad at a one-armed person for not clapping with two hands. I heard my Dad when he had the apnea (it can go away depending on what treatment is used) while my door was closed. Sometimes I woke up because of it but I never put him down for it.

I repeat what I said before, you have no reason to get upset over a health condition.

Edited March 13, 2014 by apexviper

[Guest]

I have 2 English Bulldogs. They sleep in my room. It's like 2 F-14's doing flybys all night long... which is fine because then my husband won't hear my grinding teeth over the snoring...

But then we're used to it.

[Quin]

The apnea itself is a big deal. However, the OP makes too much of a deal out of it. My mother never made my father get out of the bed because of his apnea and that's because her love for him is stronger than her dislike for the condition. There is no reason to get upset with someone because they have a medical condition. That's like being mad at a one-armed person for not clapping with two hands. I heard my Dad when he had the apnea (it can go away depending on what treatment is used) while my door was closed. Sometimes I woke up because of it but I never put him down for it.

I repeat what I said before, you have no reason to get upset over a health condition.

Bipolar disorder is a health condition. If in a mixed episode they killed themselves, should their spouse not grieve?

Ebola is a health condition. Should one just ignore quarantine, snuggle close, and catch Ebola,,too?

The stomach flu is a health condition. Do you just lay there in puke? Or do you do something about it?

Health conditions AFFECT LIVES.

Not all health conditions affect all people,the same.

I don't love my kids more than you (or anyone else) loves their kids JUST because I can be woken up a zillion times at night & wake up refreshed while most new parents are an exhausted wreck. It doesn't bother me to be woken up a zillion times. It doesn't mean I love my kids more. Promise. In fact, it might even mean I love them a bit less, since it's easy for me... While others have to struggle, and come up with working solutions in order to do what I do naturally. THEIR struggle actually shows a lot more commitment, dedication, and love than my ease. Course, it doesn't mean I love my kids less, because I don't need a lot of sleep, interrupted sleep is fine. But those who have to work hard, are definitely SHOWING their love, more.

It's AWESOME that your parents weren't negatively affected by this one thing to the point of needing to come up with alternate solutions. But it doesn't mean that other people who are affected love their spouse less.

Just because something is easy for one, doesn't mean it's easy for all.

Just because something is hard for one, doesn't mean anyone could do it if they can.

Q

[kgrigio]

Before my Dad got CPAP therapy my mom started sleeping with earplugs. Now, she can't sleep without earplugs even when my dad is away or hasn't come to bed yet and even though he doesn't snore as much with his CPAP machine. Ultimately your husband needs to treat the condition.

He should be wearing/using his CPAP machine. Most people with apnea that don't wear their masks don't understand the risks they are putting themselves under without the masks. Every apnea event is literally the body stopping breathing and hoping the nervous system, heart, brain, etc... kicks the body awake enough to start breathing again. The longer apnea goes untreated, the harder and harder it can be for the body to kick start itself. It is a condition that can and will kill people that don't take is seriously enough and it usually manifests itself in a heart attack because the heart just can't do enough to kick the body awake anymore.

Good luck.

[Sadsister]

I feel for you. My husband snores LOUDLY. He likely has sleep apnea now (he was borderline years ago), but he is not wanting to wear the mask (I cannot blame him). Anyway, ear plugs are my best friend. If you do that, get the Hearos Xtreme off Amazon. If that does not appeal to/work for you, then do separate bedrooms. Just make sure you get cuddle time (such as on a weekend morning ) to make up for it. Sleep is very important. You are not rejecting him over his medical condition....just making adjustments.

[lagarthaaz]

This is getting a lot more popular I've seen it in articles and friends/family who are members & non members. I'm curious as to how LDS couples deal about this?

I'm at my wits end with my snoring husband. It's not only the snoring, but that's the worst! We have been married five years. He has sleep apnea and I've had no trouble adjusting to the machine. For the last two years though he hasn't been wearing it much, to lately none at all. His snoring is keeping me awake night after night. Other issues are tv in the bedroom and eating in the bedroom. He thinks I'm ridiculous and being overly controlling because I want the bedroom to serve as a bedroom and not a living room/kitchen.

My only option I can see is to move into the guest room. This is the only thing we fight about, but is literally for hours every night and I'm crabby all day, he's like why are you so crabby? Really? REALLY????

So...... anyone else sleep separately?

Thanks!

Ooh, I hear you on all counts here. We went through a stage where my husband slept on the couch for about two years, and he used snoring as an excuse, but that time in our marriage coincided with a depressive episode for him and a need to avoid intimacy of any kind. It did create a distance between us as I felt we turned into housemates rather than husband and wife. Eventually he moved back into the bedroom, but oh wow, the snoring almost tipped me over the edge of the sanity cliff. I would definitely get the food and tv out of the bedroom - if he wants to eat or watch tv there is space in the living room for that.

My husband was diagnosed with sleep apnea a few years ago but refused to get a CPAP machine because the doctors told him that the majority of his problem would go away if he lost weight. He is still working on that... starts...stops... starts again... stops. Meanwhile the snoring continues to disrupt my sleep and I'm the one who has to get up and go to work every day, come home exhausted, take on mummy mode and then go to bed and listen to earth-shaking snorrrrk....snarrrrk....sputter...snoooooorrrrk all night long! That feeling where you are just starting to nod off only to be jolted awake again by a loud snore is awful.

I became quite resentful of it at one point and stopped saying to myself "it's not his fault...just put up with it". Instead I was asking myself "why doesn't he care enough about his own health and my well-being to do something about this?" I started talking to him quite frankly about it because it was unhealthy and I suspected he had sleep apnea, and it was making me feel frustrated and helpless every time it was time to go to bed. It took a few incidents of me jabbing him in the side in MY sleep and even shouting for him to roll over (I don't remember doing it but obviously my sub-conscious had enough too!), before he decided to think seriously about going for the sleep apnea tests.

We do find that although he hasn't lost much weight yet, if he exercises (runs on the treadmill and works up a good sweat for 40 mins) the snoring definitely lessens in intensity. I'm just grateful that my husband does that much to alleviate the situation, but it took me to breaking point for him to realise how much of an effect the snoring was having on my pyschological well-being.

I do know how you feel, but your husband's personality might be very different from mine. The frank talks motivated my husband to go and get tested for sleep apnea and start exercising, but I'm pretty sure if I'd tried that earlier in our marriage he would have simply felt offended and kept on. Now he's older he does try to be more considerate. Everyone in my house also knows there is a 'no food in bed' rule, and that applies to the kids. We live in a hot and often humid climate, and the last thing we need is to be encouraging cockroaches or mice into the bedrooms by leaving crumbs and wrappers around - yuk! I also keep computers, tvs and electrical devices out of the bedrooms as I think they cause sleep disturbances.

That's what I did... good luck with finding a solution. I feel for you as I know how frustrating it is to sleep with a snorer.

And P.S. I would gladly sleep in another room if we had the space. Even if it was just a few nights a week to get some uninterrupted shut-eye.

[Guest MelP]

I have sleap apnea, she does not. But in our tumultuous marriage years, which is about to end She would have the tv on in the bedroom, pc on in the bedroom..up to 1 am in the evening. I warned her several times not to do it. Its a bedroom not a family room. One night, I got in a shouting match, because I WANTED TO SLEEP! she finally respected that point, and stayed down stairs. She likes to "ALWAYS in CONTROL" as she says.

She has been a really controlling, paranoid woman who likes to make threats to get her way. Now I may have to find a place to live and I am not exactly working full time.

Tell your husband to use his mask. His short term memory will return. if he is grumpy, that will go away.

Lastly, he needs to loose weight because that is one of the main contributors of sleep apnea and it is fat in the throught causing restriction.

[Wingnut]

The apnea itself is a big deal. However, the OP makes too much of a deal out of it.

So then, you're familiar with the OP's spouse's exact case of apnea? Its severity? The impact on the OP's sleep habits? You're the one that's diagnoses the spouse?

Didn't think so. Just because it's not as big a deal in your experience doesn't mean that it's not a big deal at all.

[Bini]

Just as reflection, I know having separate rooms wasn't unheard of, and was even common in the 50's and earlier. My grandparents had separate rooms, and I knew quite a few older folks (when I did home health) that had separate rooms too. It wasn't out of the ordinary, and that didn't equate to dysfunctional marriage, either - it just was. Maybe the tradition has continued in some families?

DH and I don't have nor allow TV in bedrooms either. The only room that does is our guest room but that's to allow guests some breakaway time from our family to unwind and maybe watch their own show during evenings if they want to retire early. But we have a none wavering rule on NO FOOD outside the kitchen or dining area. That applies to EVERYONE. So, TV and food inside bedrooms isn't a problem for us.

Directly to OP. I agree with Anatess that there needs to be better directed communication about this, and that both of you need to listen to each other. BUT it sounds like you've done this... You referred to your husband as feeling that your requests are "controlling". So, if you both have indeed talked this over but there is no compromise (after all, DH is a grown man and you can't STOP his bad habits unless he wants to) then maybe separate rooms aren't a bad option. You can still love on each other and have your intimate time, but if none of that is on the itinerary that night, then by all means - crawl into your own bed and get some DECENT SLEEP.

[jezzabella]

I sincerely want to thank everyone!!!!! It's going much better now.what I ended up doing is.....

I spent all night, as he snored lol screen shoting articles on the benefits and why I wanted to sleep, not that it was too get away. Before he got them in his email, I told him I was going to make him breakfast and I wanted to pray.

I left him to read everything by himself and to think about it. After we ate breakfast we talked about it and decided to give him one more chance. Since then he has forgotten only a couple times, but when I woke him up to put it on he wasn't angry. He still eats in the room and watches tv all hours but we are much happier since the snoring isn't around!

To the posters with the earplug suggestion, I tried already lol. I found it more beneficial to wear my earphones and plug in Pandora, but........we live up in the mountains (I'm a city girl) and I get terribly paranoid with noises in three night, and I would get to stressed that he wouldn't wake up if we had an intruder. I'm probably way to paranoid. We did have a dog, I think I slept better slightly then, but an animal we have now hates dogs and its too hard to try and keep them separated. Lol

Thank you again so Soooooooooo much!!!! I pray this continues because it's so nice not to be cranky!!!!

[mirkwood]

My wife has sleep apnea AND RLS. If it gets bad I just go sleep on the couch. I work graveyards so half the week we don't sleep together anyway.

Weight is not always the factor to sleep apnea. My wife is nowhere near overweight, she is barely proper weight, and has it really bad.

The RLS is the maddening factor for me. Makes me crazy, so I relocate and sleep.

[Iggy]

We think my husband has sleep apnea - but he doesn\'t think it is worth having it checked. He says I do - yet I don\'t wake up often during the night, nor do I snore (I purr). Our problem is his flatulence and bad breath.

Doesn\'t matter what he eats, or doesn\'t eat - he passes a lot of gas in his sleep. The cats will start off the night with him, then within four hours they come out of the bedroom to escape the smell. I need to be able to roll from side to side (hurting hips)- yet when I face him, and he rolls to face me, his breath is nasty.

Because he has NEVER had a cavity or any dental gum/etc. diseases, he continues to NOT brush his teeth. Yuck. He also is a sloppy snorer. Reminds me of my Aunts bulldog. Slobbers flying everywhere when it snored!

I solved the snoring noise situation - wearing earplugs. Solved the he wants three quilts on the bed - he has his three quilts on the king bed, I push the quilts off of me and just use the sheet plus I don\'t wear Night Wear just an old cotton work shirt of his. BUT the smell - he refuses to sleep next to the window - window open - fan on my side blowing the farts out the window.

The solution that now works the best for us - separate rooms. I start out with him. Then when he is asleep and before the smell gets the worst - I switch to the extra bedroom. IF he doesn\'t go to bed at the same time as me, then I go directly to the extra room. I have the window open and the fan going and just a sheet on me. Do have a small fleece throw next to me for the cats to sleep on. My interior thermostat is permanently set to Too High. Even when my blood sugars are constant at 120. We both sleep better - and when we want to *cuddle* then we go to bed Early and *cuddle*.

Oh, and tv and food has NEVER been an issue with us. He was raised with the bedroom being for SLEEP only, as was I. We both were raised that food was consumed only in the kitchen or at the dining room table. Never in the living room even. TV was only for adults - we could watch it on Sat. AFTER the weekend chores were done. BUT only for two hours.

My first husband ate in bed - so I slept on the sofa.

Recently my daughter-in-law broke the house rule of eating in the bedroom. I didn\'t discover it until I went to change the sheets after she left. 700 thread count sheets, palest blue, and they had cheeto\'s and dorito\'s all ground into them. Had she been here I would have tossed her out on her ear!! The stains finally came out, but next time she visits - all she gets on the bed is a rubber sheet and cheap fleece throw!!

My parents slept in separate beds but in the same room. Daddy snored so loud, us kids thought the cracks in his bedroom ceiling were caused by him snoring! He hurt his back at work and had to sleep on an extra, extra firm surface. Because they couldn\'t afford a new mattress - he used a 4\" foam pad on top of 3/4\" plywood. Mom slept on a twin bed with a regular mattress. At first they had them right next to each other - but then they put a night stand between the beds. That way Dad could get up from bed on either side. Sometimes rolling over to get out of bed was just too painful.