Strong enough to go to church alone?

[katieweber]

Hey there,

 

My husband and I have been married for just over a month now. He is not a member, but he has set a baptism goal date, which is such a big deal! He was so against being a member but has come around.

 

However, he often doesn't want to come with me to church and tonight we have a ward activity that I have been looking forward to for over a month. I thought he was excited for it, too, but he's skipping out. I'm going to go alone but we're new in our ward and have only had the opportunity to go to meetings twice because of the Ogden temple dedication and then General Conference. I know a couple of people, but I'm nervous to go alone. I'm not an introvert, but I feel so much more comfortable not walking in alone or knowing I have someone to talk to always if conversations fall short.

 

Even with his baptism coming up, I have a feeling that I'll be going to church and activities by myself a lot of the time. I hate having to explain to everyone why he isn't with me. 

 

Is there any advice you can give me? Because church is worth it to me to go, even by myself. However, if there are any tips you can give me to help with the uneasiness or the loneliness of going alone, I'd appreciate it.

[annewandering]

I go alone. I am a widow. Smile at people. Say hi. Perhaps you can see the other women who go alone. Often widows. It is good to sit with us because we will never have our husbands with us and we appreciate friendly people to sit with. After a few times you will feel more comfortable.  

[Jane_Doe]

As an introvert who've spent years going to church solo (husband isn't a member), here's how you do it: 

 

1)  Walk into the room

2)  See somebody (just the first person you happen to see)

3)  Vala!  You've now find someone to talk to and hang out with for the next hour.

 

It really is that simple.

 

Here's what you don't have to do:

1)  Feel awkward cause you don't know people.  We've all been there.

2)  Make excuses cause your husband's not there.  Is it really anyone else's business?  Besides, you're making friends for *you*

[Sunday21]

You could go a half hour early and help set up. Instant friendships. Take your apron to protect your clothes. Maybe stay to help clean up?

[Leah]

My bigger concern is that you think your husband won't be a participating member of the church after his baptism. Are the missionaries aware of this? Is the bishop aware?

[priesthoodpower]

First of all dont try to cover anything up when people ask where he is. Just straight up tell them "he's not much into ward activities...." That way the members wont ask you again, and they will be more sympathetic toward your loneliness and make the extra effort to keep you company etc..

 

I notice that mothers with babys will usually invite the single lady member to come and sit by them or carry the baby to allow that single lady member to fit in more quickly.

Edited October 8, 2014 by priesthoodpower

[PolarVortex]

Before I was LDS, I was engaged to a woman who was LDS, and we discussed my conversion and what a huge step it is.  Long-time LDS members often cannot understand that being baptized as an adult convert (especially when marriage is part of the picture) is often a really big and really hard step.  To me it felt like stepping off the edge of the Grand Canyon at night.  On the day I was baptized, I came very, very close to turning the car around and going back home.

 

Perhaps your husband is feeling the same uneasiness I did, even though he doesn't talk about it with you.  Withdrawal from Church activities may be his way of convincing himself that he's in control and that he's not being swept along by strong currents that he cannot control.

 

If I were you, I'd set an example of how the Church changes me and brings blessings into my life.  Many men naturally float toward things that benefit them, so start advertising those benefits.

 

And I know it's hard to go alone, but it's the only way.  Be strong.  The strength you show will probably be good for your marriage.  It will certainly be good for you.

[The Folk Prophet]

Beyond other, obviously benefits of being involved in church things, setting an example for others is as important as anything. Go. It will set a good example.

[avatar4321]

You can do it. The Lord has set up the church to help you.

[Iggy]

Go and enjoy yourself. Church activities are one of the safest places for a married woman to participate in. Nearly all of our *less* to totally inactive members (whether they are married to members or not) show up to the pot-lucks. They are welcomed with the same love and enthusiasm as the active members.

 

When you come home your husband will see how much you enjoyed going. Bring the Spirit with you and soon husband will want to go with you.

 

I love to go to our RS Enrichment Meetings - and I am bubbly, excited and running over with what transpired. Hubby listens and wishes that the Priesthood had something similar on a monthly basis.  

 

When members ask why husband isn't with you - they ask in case he is ill. Tell them that he is still shy and not used to the LDS way of life. 

 

A friend of mine - who is a devout Catholic - cannot understand how the LDS have so many potlucks (activities) just for the sheer sake of gathering together to be with each other. That the LDS members have UNconditional love toward one another. Blows his mind. He just cannot fathom the fact that we, LDS, truly believe that each and every human is/are our brothers and sisters. At his parish, the women hold gatherings, but you have to pay for that cup of coffee/tea, donuts, cookie, brownie. That money is then used to purchase the candles, flowers, alter stuff. He just gives them $10.00 and never goes. 

 

I much prefer our (LDS) potlucks - just wish they lasted more than 1.5 to 2 hours. When they are at the local park during the summer, then one can visit for as long as they wish. My neighbor came to a Thanksgiving dinner with me when I was recently divorced and before I married husband #2. He told me that he never knew that transported from homes food could taste so good. He absolutely loved the funeral potatoes, fruit salads and he couldn't get enough of the yams (candied and plain). He knew over half of the members there too - he is a bus driver and his route includes the city to the north of us and the town to the south of us!! (The turkey and hams were in the electric roasters, so they were wonderfully cooked, easy to transport and keep hot)

 

This neighbor will never convert to LDS in this lifetime. The seed has been sown. I am confident that it will mature in the next life.

 

Katie, just be patient with your husband. You might invite couples over to your home for dinner once a month - help your husband get to know the members on his turf. Also don't forget the widowed members - female and male.  When I was single (waiting for divorce to finalize especially) I had the married seniors over when I fed the missionaries. Then I invited a widow and a widower along with the missionaries. Not to match make, but to include them in my circle of friends. 

 

For an adult convert our way of life is totally different from theirs. We don't meet in taverns/lounges/coffee shops to socialize. We don't consume alcohol as part of our 'winding down' from sports, work regime. Your husband has been hit with a double whammy. Getting married - which means he is now spending all but his working hours with you, and in the process of joining a church that will replace his off-time with the boys. It is scary. By having couples over for dinners, you are introducing him to new 'boys' to socialize with. 

[omegaseamaster75]

Hey there,

 

My husband and I have been married for just over a month now. He is not a member, but he has set a baptism goal date, which is such a big deal! He was so against being a member but has come around.

 

However, he often doesn't want to come with me to church and tonight we have a ward activity that I have been looking forward to for over a month. I thought he was excited for it, too, but he's skipping out. I'm going to go alone but we're new in our ward and have only had the opportunity to go to meetings twice because of the Ogden temple dedication and then General Conference. I know a couple of people, but I'm nervous to go alone. I'm not an introvert, but I feel so much more comfortable not walking in alone or knowing I have someone to talk to always if conversations fall short.

 

Even with his baptism coming up, I have a feeling that I'll be going to church and activities by myself a lot of the time. I hate having to explain to everyone why he isn't with me. 

 

Is there any advice you can give me? Because church is worth it to me to go, even by myself. However, if there are any tips you can give me to help with the uneasiness or the loneliness of going alone, I'd appreciate it.

I don't want to be the negative Nancy on this one but this is why as an LDS you should not marry non members as a general rule. I am sure that you husband is a great guy and I truly hope that he can convert and become a great addition to our church. The odds of this however are very slim. Most lifetime or long time members lose perspective of how difficult it is to be LDS, Especially a LDS male. 

 

In response to your  question you should go and make every effort to be a good example and active member.

[mdfxdb]

Ignore Omega on this one.  Don't set any expectations or any self-fulfilling prophecies about your husband and his conversion.  Taking a step towards baptism is a big one, and shows commitment, especially since you are already married.  

 

Go to the ward functions with or without him.  Be a good example, always remember to invite him, and make sure he feels invited and welcome.

[Misshalfway]

Hm.  What happens when you talk to your husband about your feelings?  I mean the discomfort with being in groups alone and   wishing you had a little support.  What if his attendance had nothing to do with church.  What if he was just there to be your hero man and make his woman feel supported? ( I've watched a lot of professional sports for this very reason.  :) )

 

If he won't go, or if he's not ready, I'm sure he'd love the feeling of knowing you are ok with his needs.  I don't know.  Maybe you take turns finding ways to support each other.