Ex-husband interested in marriage again

[Palerider]

Just think about why he walked out on you once before and then what's changed that would make him not do that again

[yjacket]

The whole anti-church thing doesn't strike you as a red flag?

 

I agree that forgiveness != remarriage, which I have never advocated, only that if he is penitent I don't see the harm in starting over; and that does not mean remarriage it just means dinners.

 

If at any point, it seems like he has not changed, as Palerider says, then I would be a strong advocate against restarting a relationship.

 

With the anti-church . . . there is honestly not enough information to understand. When someone loses their faith, it is can be extremely rough, some people faced with a complete collapse of what they've known become very bitter and become "anti", they hate on everyone and everything associated with their former faith.  If he is in that state and he is stuck in that state then, no of course it wouldn't work.  If he is in that state full of hate, anger and bitterness towards the church and towards her, no.

 

Sometimes after a period of time, people can learn to let it go and can learn to have lost their own faith without being a nasty person about it.  They have learned to resolve what has occurred to them and are at peace with it. If that is the state then maybe.

 

Rereading, I did see something I missed the first time in one of the follow up comments, which was that he still hopes she leaves the church.  In some ways, I can understand this as the reverse would be the case in a part-member family if he were active and she a member of another faith.  The question is why does he hope this, and this is where more information is required, is he now atheist, a member of another church?  

 

Point blankly, what would change if she were to leave the church in their relationship? Is it that he wouldn't feel judged? Is it that she could now join him in going to the bar and living a life of sin?  If it so he wouldn't feel judged, then I think that is something that can be worked out, i.e. a good solution would probably present itself so that she can still be a member of the church and he a non-member.  

 

Picking a petty example, if he likes to drink some beer with a football game on Sunday and he wants her to leave the church so he doesn't receive disapproving looks or comments, then that is something that can probably be worked out, requiring hard work on both parts, her part to truly not judge and to understand his point of view and on his part to honestly not think he is being judged and if he is to let it go.

 

If it's so they can live it up in a life of sin, i.e. he wants her to get drunk with him at the bar, or in making critical comments lambasting the church with him . . . . then that would be a big problem.

 

It really just depends.

 

If both have learned, or can learn to live and let live with respect for each other's religious differences. . . then maybe.

 

But yeah, if he still hopes she leaves and does not properly recognize and accept that it may never happen, or if she still hopes that he will come back and does not properly recognize and accept that it may never happen . . . then maybe not. 

Edited January 11, 2015 by yjacket

[The Folk Prophet]

If someone wants to marry you outside the temple, whom will you strive to please—God or a mortal? If you insist on a temple marriage, you will be pleasing the Lord and blessing the other party. Why? Because that person will either become worthy to go to the temple—which would be a blessing—or will leave—which could also be a blessing—because neither of you should want to be unequally yoked - Ezra Taft Benson

Edited January 11, 2015 by The Folk Prophet

[yjacket]

If someone wants to marry you outside the temple, whom will you strive to please—God or a mortal? If you insist on a temple marriage, you will be pleasing the Lord and blessing the other party. Why? Because that person will either become worthy to go to the temple—which would be a blessing—or will leave—which could also be a blessing—because neither of you should want to be unequally yoked - Ezra Taft Benson

 

This is a really good quote . . . and in 99.99% of cases I agree.  I'm not sure that ET was thinking of this situation when he made this quote.

 

I have continually said she should pray about it and if God through the Spirit says it is okay.  Who should she obey, a quote or what God tells her to do?

 

I don't think E.T was thinking of this quote for someone who let's say has a child out of wedlock with a non-member. Oops, no can do, I can't marry you b/c you are not a member.  I can easily take the reverse on this, saying that she should have divorced him before he divorced her b/c he is the one who broke the temple marriage.  I doubt that is what God wants.

 

Life isn't black and white and sometimes things don't go according to script.

 

This situation is extremely unique.  The highest thing to accomplish on this earth is to have a united, happy family. The highest thing to accomplish in eternity is to have a united, happy family.  Simply because they already have children and have the potential to have a united happy family, would I say this is an entirely different circumstance.

 

I am really positive, that if God approved and both of them united their family again on this earth and if she stayed true 100% to the Gospel that in the eternities she would have a united happy family, maybe with this earthly husband and if he never came back with another one.

 

If it weren't for the fact that they have kids, I would be 100% in agreement.  I honestly cannot see a loving God punishing her for eternity for reuniting her earthly family, if she had His approval.  While the kids are older, they are not emotionally mature and won't be for quite some time.

[Dr T]

Jesus was against divorce and that's all I'm saying.  

[The Folk Prophet]

This is a really good quote . . . and in 99.99% of cases I agree.  I'm not sure that ET was thinking of this situation when he made this quote.

 

I have continually said she should pray about it and if God through the Spirit says it is okay.  Who should she obey, a quote or what God tells her to do?

 

I don't think E.T was thinking of this quote for someone who let's say has a child out of wedlock with a non-member. Oops, no can do, I can't marry you b/c you are not a member.  I can easily take the reverse on this, saying that she should have divorced him before he divorced her b/c he is the one who broke the temple marriage.  I doubt that is what God wants.

 

Life isn't black and white and sometimes things don't go according to script.

 

This situation is extremely unique.  The highest thing to accomplish on this earth is to have a united, happy family. The highest thing to accomplish in eternity is to have a united, happy family.  Simply because they already have children and have the potential to have a united happy family, would I say this is an entirely different circumstance.

 

I am really positive, that if God approved and both of them united their family again on this earth and if she stayed true 100% to the Gospel that in the eternities she would have a united happy family, maybe with this earthly husband and if he never came back with another one.

 

If it weren't for the fact that they have kids, I would be 100% in agreement.  I honestly cannot see a loving God punishing her for eternity for reuniting her earthly family, if she had His approval.  While the kids are older, they are not emotionally mature and won't be for quite some time.

 

Your opinion notwithstanding (which may or may not be correct), it is just as likely that someone who has consciously chosen to not marry for eternity will, indeed, be culpable for that choice. Because it is as choice that could have been made differently.

 

So what it really comes down to is the priority: temple marriage, or the child having their biological father back in the family. She could, of course, pursue temple marriage with another man. Given that choice, what say ye? Marry the un-willing, non-LDS biological father who is against the church, or marry a willing, LDS, righteous man.

 

The fact that the man is the child's father biologically, doesn't compel me in the marriage debate.

 

Concerning "take the reverse on this, saying that she should have divorced him before he divorced her b/c he is the one who broke the temple marriage", it does not even begin to correlate. Being true to a contract/covenant is a very different thing than consideration of a new contract/covenant.

 

I would not even consider seriously dating someone who was not committed to the gospel. Period. The fact that said person was the biological parent of a child of mine does not change that. I would also not even consider leaving someone because they left the gospel after I had covenanted with them in marriage. Them breaking their covenant doesn't mean it is acceptable for me to break mine.

 

And this: "The highest thing to accomplish on this earth is to have a united, happy family" is false. Abandoning the gospel in favor of a "united, happy" family will not gain you salvation. Only obedience to the principles and ordinances of the gospel will.

 

I don't adamantly disagree with everything you're saying. But I do, very strongly, disagree with the idea that marrying someone you know darn well is against the church and unlikely to every support it, not to mention actually live up to the principles and ordinances of it, is wholesome and right simply because they are the parent of your child.

Edited January 12, 2015 by The Folk Prophet

[Vort]

Jesus was against divorce and that's all I'm saying.  

 

In this case, the divorce is a fait accompli. The question is not whether he should have divorced her, but whether she should remarry him.

[priesthoodpower]

In todays church lesson from the new book "Presidents of the Church: Ezra Taft Benson"

“When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives.”

I dont know how this applies in certain circumstances like yours because wouldnt Jesus unconditionally love your ex and work like crazy to bringing him back into the fold even if it require to remarry him and do lifetime work to reactivate him?

Or are you supposed to "drop him" as to not remarry but just remain friends and have some other human being work on re-activating him?

[Guest]

I kind of think his divorcing you was a "get out of jail free" card. If you were still married, I'd encourage you to try and stay that way. Since he left, you are free to find a man who can take you to the temple without guilt. To be blunt. :)

[Windseeker]

When you first got married you probably didn't know he was going to actively fight against your most sacred beliefs. You probably wouldn't have married an anti to begin with so why consider it now? 

 

I mean..having similar religious beliefs or actively supporting each other in their religious beliefs is kind of choosing a mate 101. 

 

I think you should exercise the knowledge you have attained in this life.

 

Just for the record, my brothers parents in-law were divorced (adultery) and remarried and extremely happy and content, so I agree that a man you have had children with should receive extra consideration when choosing a spouse....but the key is consideration...meaning use what you have learned in life to choose a loving supportive spouse.

[Bini]

I dont know how this applies in certain circumstances like yours because wouldnt Jesus unconditionally love your ex and work like crazy to bringing him back into the fold even if it require to remarry him and do lifetime work to reactivate him?

 

We've covered this before. Loving unconditionally and forgiving someone doesn't mean you allow them to step all over you, or that you allow yourself to fall back into a situation where you're setting yourself up for risk or failure. You can unconditionally love and forgive someone without having them actively in your life. Sometimes it's better this way. Also, in response to the latter comment, I think one should be extra cautious as to not convince themselves that they can "save someone" because none of us have that power.

[Windseeker]

In todays church lesson from the new book "Presidents of the Church: Ezra Taft Benson"

“When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives.”

I dont know how this applies in certain circumstances like yours because wouldnt Jesus unconditionally love your ex and work like crazy to bringing him back into the fold even if it require to remarry him and do lifetime work to reactivate him?

Or are you supposed to "drop him" as to not remarry but just remain friends and have some other human being work on re-activating him?

 

I think there is a big difference in divorcing someone because they leave the Church and remaining unmarried to someone that left you because of your belief in the Church. 

Edited January 13, 2015 by Windseeker

[Guest]

Marrying someone to bring them into the Church is a bad idea on so many levels.

[EarlJibbs]

When you first got married you probably didn't know he was going to actively fight against your most sacred beliefs. You probably wouldn't have married an anti to begin with so why consider it now? 

 

I mean..having similar religious beliefs or actively supporting each other in their religious beliefs is kind of choosing a mate 101. 

 

I think you should exercise the knowledge you have attained in this life.

 

Just for the record, my brothers parents in-law were divorced (adultery) and remarried and extremely happy and content, so I agree that a man you have had children with should receive extra consideration when choosing a spouse....but the key is consideration...meaning use what you have learned in life to choose a loving supportive spouse.

 

 

I like this. She has an inside scoop on him. The OP probably knows him better than anyone to make this decision. 

[Litzy]

Marrying someone to bring them into the Church is a bad idea on so many levels.

 

I agree with this. My own family (parents, grandparents, siblings) belonged to a host of different faiths, so I was raised being able to handle that. I never felt inspired to push the Church back on my ex, just do my thing and be an example.

 

Should we get back together, I would not expect him to rejoin the Church. But I do not want him expecting me to leave or show definite negativity.

 

As it stands, I'm happy not being married to my husband. Yes, I miss being married, but it's not consuming, merely a recognition I enjoyed our marriage and was largely  happy in it. I'm not desperately aching to return to the marriage.

 

I finally received a more specific prompting. I feel we should refrain from official dates but to definitely focus on our friendship.

 

Thank-you for letting me bounce my thoughts of you all.

[believingisachoice]

Good question Litzy. I would ask your children what they think, particularly if they still live with you. I assume you're not remarried, as no indication was given the in original post. If you kids live with you having their biological father would be a big plus for thier development. I would however observe to see if he is active right now in his own seperate ward and ask him questions that would measure his empathy. He leaving the family and children is a huge sign of lack of empahy and that would be the biggest constraint.

 

I had a guy decision from my keyboard I would say no, but there are so many factors that are unknown. Two years of hime being alone he problem misses your conviences (sex, what you did for him, division of labor, tired of paying alimony) more than the religion. Good luck.