Is PMS comparable to infidelity?


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Hi All, I'm new to this forum, but have been having some bad feelings toward my hubby, and wanted to get some advice/help. We have been married for 20 years, and for the most part we are HAPPY!!! I love my husband very much, but every once in awhile he says some things that really hurt my feelings, and leave me wondering if he's in this for "the long haul".

 

I have been suffering with PMS for YEARS!! It's NOT extreme-- ie-throwing dishes, yelling, screaming, etc. but I definitely feel more "on edge" during that week. I'll ask my husband to help out more around the house, and get irritated when I have to clean up after him. Usually his messes don't bother me at all, and I just clean up after him--I'm a stay at home mom, and I feel like it's MY JOB to keep the home neat and tidy. I know that it probably bothers him when I ask for help during PMS week, but I just feel like i REALLY need it. Sorry---so much rambling, but now to the point...

 

The other day my husband said, " I am willing to put up with your "issues", because you put up with mine." This REALLY hurt me, as I feel like his issues were HUGE compared to mine (His issues--being unfaithful to me with prostitutes for 5 years of our marriage) Can the two really be compared?!? I guess if I really "let him have it" during my PMS days, I could see a comparison, but I don't think I'm exceptionally unruly during that week.

 

My question is, what is considered "normal PMS"? Am I just fooling myself when I think that I'm not the only woman that feels irritated during this week? Why am I still reeling from my husband's comment?

 

Help!!   
 

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That comparison is so ridiculous, I would calmly ask him to clarify (a good practice in all disagreements, anyway). "What issues do you mean?" Maybe if he heard himself say it out loud, he would realize what a silly statement that is.Or maybe he's talking about something else, like his leaving socks on the floor.

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I asked for clarification right after he said it, because I was so surprised he would feel that way. He basically justified it by saying, " You only had to deal with my issues for 5 years, but I have to deal with yours forever."  :(  Even though he's not being unfaithful to me anymore, I still feel like I deal with "it". I feel like I'll be dealing with it till the day I die. (It's not an easy thing to get over.) 

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Therapy...we've had LOADS of it.  Without therapy, I don't think I could have stayed with him. Like I said in the original post, we get along really well, BUT---then little things like this slip out of his mouth, and it gets me wondering...

 

**also-- I need to add that it's very hard for me to be intimate when I'm feeling PMS(y). So he goes without intimacy for about a week. I know this is hard for men, but it's just not something I can do when I'm feeling grouchy.  :mad:

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Once a month I have a meltdown day about how I can't do it all, I'm too overworked, I'll never make it... I know it's coming every month but it still hits me like a load of bricks.  So yeah, PMS craziness is normal.  

 

Now on to you and your husband: marriage is not about bargaining "I deal with this if you deal with this" like faults are some form of currency.  If your guys marriage is becoming that, I would seek help.  (I'm not saying you guys are in that spot, just if). 

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Therapy...we've had LOADS of it.  Without therapy, I don't think I could have stayed with him. Like I said in the original post, we get along really well, BUT---then little things like this slip out of his mouth, and it gets me wondering...

 

**also-- I need to add that it's very hard for me to be intimate when I'm feeling PMS(y). So he goes without intimacy for about a week. I know this is hard for men, but it's just not something I can do when I'm feeling grouchy.  :mad:

 

Therapy = good.  Great for you guys working through things.

 

Maybe one of his flaws is that sometimes he says something which sound really stupid, but he doesn't mean it that way?  

 

Taking a week of of things can make a man grumble, but he can deal with it.  Think of it as a fast :).  

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nrakimom... there is no equivalency in sinful behavior. Adultery is equal to PMS, not doing the dishes is equal to not cutting the grass, playing video games is equal to being on Facebook, etc. Putting equivalence to it excuses the behavior - I can get a prostitute because she is PMSy... or vice versa.

Each of these are road blocks to your marriage. They all need to be addressed and resolved. Some are harder to resolve than others depending on the individuals in the marriage.

People say stupid things especially in the heat of the moment. But, that said - He needs to resolve his adultery and you need to resolve your PMS. They are each their own problems and putting a greater or lesser or equal value of these challenges in your mind is not productive. Repentance/Forgiveness is necessary to keep the marriage going in light of these weaknesses.

I have IED that can be triggered by menstrual cycles. And I have irregular cycles - so no one knows when it hits. To make things worse, the PMS-stage for me is a few days before the cycle, so there's no physical indication that it is about to happen. So what I've been doing is to be super vigilant about my moods. When I feel unnecessarily quirky, I tell my husband what I'm feeling so he gets a heads up. Then he helps me deal with it so it's not just me versus PMS. It's the both of us versus PMS.

Hope this helps.

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nrakimom... there is no equivalency in sinful behavior. Adultery is equal to PMS, not doing the dishes is equal to not cutting the grass, playing video games is equal to being on Facebook, etc. Putting equivalence to it excuses the behavior - I can get a prostitute because she is PMSy... or vice versa.

Each of these are road blocks to your marriage. They all need to be addressed and resolved. Some are harder to resolve than others depending on the individuals in the marriage.

People say stupid things especially in the heat of the moment. But, that said - He needs to resolve his adultery and you need to resolve your PMS. They are each their own problems and putting a greater or lesser or equal value of these challenges in your mind is not productive. Repentance/Forgiveness is necessary to keep the marriage going in light of these weaknesses.

I have IED that can be triggered by menstrual cycles. And I have irregular cycles - so no one knows when it hits. To make things worse, the PMS-stage for me is a few days before the cycle, so there's no physical indication that it is about to happen. So what I've been doing is to be super vigilant about my moods. When I feel unnecessarily quirky, I tell my husband what I'm feeling so he gets a heads up. Then he helps me deal with it so it's not just me versus PMS. It's the both of us versus PMS.

Hope this helps.

 

When I'm going through my monthly-meltdown, my husband holds me and tells me that my period will start in the morning and that I'll be all better the :).  

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With all due respect . . . you're asking the wrong question.

 

"You did w, and that's a HUGE deal, so I get to do x, y, and z and your job is to shaddup and take it!" is a horrible attitude to take in a marriage.

 

It's one thing to worry that his repentance isn't sincere.  It's quite another to worry that he hasn't groveled enough.  Assuming that the repentance process has been properly engaged:  The past is in the past.  You both should be focused on being your best selves for each other, now and in the future.

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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With all due respect . . . you're asking the wrong question.

 

"You did w, and that's a HUGE deal, so I get to do x, y, and z and your job is to shaddup and take it!" is a horrible attitude to take in a marriage.

 

It's one thing to worry that his repentance isn't sincere.  It's quite another to worry that he hasn't groveled enough.  Assuming that the repentance process has been properly engaged:  The past is in the past.  You both should be focused on being your best selves for each other, now and in the future.

Exactly!! This is why I'm wondering why he's comparing his PAST to our current life. I don't make him grovel...EVER. Never have, never will. We were separated for a number of months--when I first found out what he was doing. Before I ever decided to get back together with him, I promised him and myself that I would not bring up the past, and make him "pay" for it.  So why is it ok for him to bring it up, and use it against me in a hurtful way? 

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One thing to keep in mind, granted, I dont have much experience in such things. But I know when I am frustrated with my wife, or her with me, we both say things without thinking.

 

Your husband may be stressed and has ill-thoughts during those times because of that. This may just be a stupid question, but have you asked him about this subject when you were both in good moods?

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You mentioned that you're a stay at home MOM so no, it's not "your job to keep the house neat and tidy" - it's the kids! How else are they going to learn and be ready to be on their own and be good companions/roommates/spouses?

 

With that said, it sounds like you don't ask him to help out enough during non-pms times.  If he were helping more, he wouldn't complain about it during that time of the month.  As far as 'no intimacy' playing a part - he should be able to handle a week (didn't he have to handle more than that after having the kids - assuming they weren't adopted?).  

 

So basically, I'd turn this into 2 weeks than 3 etc till he got a clue.  Honestly, you're doing him no favors by doing too much. I know a couple who is currently apart (valid reasons) and the husband has no clue how to clean up after himself, etc. and the wife doesn't want to go visit because she doesn't want to have to play 'maid'...

 

Also, did your husband not grow up with a mom or sisters?  If so, this shouldn't be a new concept for him.  Maybe he needs a reminder.

 

I'd be telling him that you need support not attitude and give him a glimpse that it could (and might) be worse.

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Wow-- So many responses, and I'm grateful for all the info and suggestions  :)  I didn't know we were so screwed up!! I figured "if it ain't broke, don't fix it".

 

Notquiteperfect:

Our kids have chores, but they are so busy during the week with homework, and after school activities, that they do their chores on Saturday. It may be rare, but I enjoy doing housework--three weeks of the month!! It's just during that one week of PMS that I feel overwhelmed by it. My husband didn't grow up with any sisters, and his mother would actually lock herself in a dark room for a week during her PMS--she had/has migraines that were brought on by her PMS. I guess in typing that all out, and thinking about it--maybe he has major trauma associated with PMS? Because of his mom?

 

I don't think withholding affection/intimacy, to get my way, is a good idea. We are only less intimate during that one week every month, but I try to make it up to him the other 3 weeks.   

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PMS isn't a sin, anatess. Good gravy. That's like saying that having dandruff is a sin.

I didn't say it was, Eowyn. Good gravy. Having PMS is not a sin. Taking it out on your husband is.

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As far as 'no intimacy' playing a part - he should be able to handle a week (didn't he have to handle more than that after having the kids - assuming they weren't adopted?).  

 

So basically, I'd turn this into 2 weeks than 3 etc till he got a clue.

Speaking only for this snippet quoted above, this might be the worst advice possible. Never use sex as a bargaining tool or withhold it as a punishment. That is like 180 degrees from what you should ever be doing. Terrible, terrible idea.

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You mentioned that you're a stay at home MOM so no, it's not "your job to keep the house neat and tidy" - it's the kids! How else are they going to learn and be ready to be on their own and be good companions/roommates/spouses?

 

With that said, it sounds like you don't ask him to help out enough during non-pms times.  If he were helping more, he wouldn't complain about it during that time of the month.  As far as 'no intimacy' playing a part - he should be able to handle a week (didn't he have to handle more than that after having the kids - assuming they weren't adopted?).  

 

So basically, I'd turn this into 2 weeks than 3 etc till he got a clue.  Honestly, you're doing him no favors by doing too much. I know a couple who is currently apart (valid reasons) and the husband has no clue how to clean up after himself, etc. and the wife doesn't want to go visit because she doesn't want to have to play 'maid'...

 

Also, did your husband not grow up with a mom or sisters?  If so, this shouldn't be a new concept for him.  Maybe he needs a reminder.

 

I'd be telling him that you need support not attitude and give him a glimpse that it could (and might) be worse.

This may be the worse advice ever....so your kids should be your house keepers, and you should withhold intimacy until he falls in line?

 

Of course its her job to make sure that the house is clean and that dinner is made. She is a stay at home mom. Maybe he is doing her to many favors by getting out of bed every day going to work to provide for his family.

 

I am not saying that he shouldn't help out around the house of course he should, but jeez.....

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Exactly!! This is why I'm wondering why he's comparing his PAST to our current life. . . So why is it ok for him to bring it up, and use it against me in a hurtful way? 

 

I'm a little confused, and perhaps I'm misreading you.  As I understand it, the statement he really made that really concerns you is "I am willing to put up with your 'issues', because you put up with mine."  Now, tone and inflection can be a lot of it, and obviously I'm not getting any of that--but on its face, this strikes me as having very little to do with either of your "past".  It could as easily be interpreted as referring to your slight edginess versus his habit of leaving socks on the floor. 

 

That's why I wrote what I wrote, to be honest--as I read your post, his statement seemed pretty innocuous; and I couldn't (and still can't) quite understand why you felt it is so problematic unless at some level either he's not quite done repenting or you're not quite done forgiving.  (Which wouldn't make either of you bad people; it would just mean there's still some work to do.)

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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I didn't say it was, Eowyn. Good gravy. Having PMS is not a sin. Taking it out on your husband is.

 

If you had said that initially, I'd agree with you. You said adultery was a sin and PMS is a sin. PMS is a set of symptoms, not an action.

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notquiteperfect, on 10 Mar 2015 - 08:02 AM, said:snapback.png

As far as 'no intimacy' playing a part - he should be able to handle a week (didn't he have to handle more than that after having the kids - assuming they weren't adopted?).  

 

So basically, I'd turn this into 2 weeks than 3 etc till he got a clue.

Speaking only for this snippet quoted above, this might be the worst advice possible. Never use sex as a bargaining tool or withhold it as a punishment. That is like 180 degrees from what you should ever be doing. Terrible, terrible idea.

 

Vort - You cut off the rest of that paragraph that talked about having him help around the house more.  It was a separate paragraph for a reason.

Edited by notquiteperfect
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This may be the worse advice ever....so your kids should be your house keepers, and you should withhold intimacy until he falls in line?

 

Of course its her job to make sure that the house is clean and that dinner is made. She is a stay at home mom. Maybe he is doing her to many favors by getting out of bed every day going to work to provide for his family.

 

I am not saying that he shouldn't help out around the house of course he should, but jeez.....

 

Omega - Kids should have chores and enough of them that they aren't shocked when they reach adulthood and have to do their fair share.  Also, see my response to Vort above just so we're on the same page.  

Stay-at-home moms are busy, too.  They're not sitting around twiddling their thumbs.  So, quite frankly, a 'mom's job' is to teach and one way to do that is to delegate the tasks at hand.

Edited by notquiteperfect
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notquiteperfect, on 10 Mar 2015 - 08:02 AM, said:snapback.png

Speaking only for this snippet quoted above, this might be the worst advice possible. Never use sex as a bargaining tool or withhold it as a punishment. That is like 180 degrees from what you should ever be doing. Terrible, terrible idea.

 

Vort - You cut off the rest of that paragraph that talked about having him help around the house more.  It was a separate paragraph for a reason.

 

That's because my response had nothing to do with whether hubby was helping around the house. That part did not mitigate what you wrote, which is disastrously wrong and a recipe for marital discord if not divorce.

 

Never withhold sex as punishment.

 

Never use sex as a bargaining chip.

 

These things should be self-evident, but apparently they are not, so they bear stating bluntly.

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Omega - Kids should have chores and enough of them that they aren't shocked when they reach adulthood and have to do their fair share.  Also, see my response to Vort above just so we're on the same page.  

Stay-at-home moms are busy, too.  They're not sitting around twiddling their thumbs.  So, quite frankly, a 'mom's job' is to teach and one way to do that is to delegate the tasks at hand.

notquiteperfect don't presume that I don't know what I'm talking about here.

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