Death anniversary?

[Guest]

I don't know what to call it. My dad passed a year ago today. One begins to adjust, I suppose, but I don't think any of us in my family will ever get over it. Things are so different without him.

 

Anyway. . . it feels like I ought to be doing something. But what is there to do? Visiting his grave doesn't do much for me. He isn't there. What do you do? It's not something to "celebrate", and yet it seems wrong just to let it pass like another day.

 

There is so much about death and grief that is weird to me. Confusing. 

[David13]

Pray.

dc

[Vort]

It's a good day to reminisce, to think of the love you had for him, to thank God that you had the privilege of being his daughter and knowing him. No need to mourn anew or despair; quite the opposite. We need not grieve too deeply for the death of someone who had a full life, well lived. Death is a necessary step, and is in fact a wondrous gift from God. In any case, it's one we will all experience, so we might as well view it as a step of progression.

 

EDIT: To clarify, I am not urging you to avoid mourning. On the contrary, your mourning will last for years, and in some ways for the rest of your life. What I am saying is that you should not feel some obligation to mourn. It is perfectly acceptable to contemplate with bittersweet (or entirely happy) feelings the life you had with your dad.

Edited November 18, 2015 by Vort

[beefche]

For me, the 1st year anniversary and 5th year anniversary have been the hardest for me (my mom died in 2007). I always think of her (usually at least once a day) but on the date of her anniversary, I call my dad. Our conversation usually goes something like this:

 

Dad: you know what today is?

Me: Yes, Mom's been gone now for 8 years.

Dad: I went to her gravesite. Talks about the flowers, grass, other things about the site.

Me: Remember how she always.... or Remember how much she loved.....

 

Sometimes, on the anniversary, I think of the last time I talked to her. I usually end up crying. But, the grief is bearable now. I just try to spend some time thinking of her and looking forward to seeing her again.

 

I'm sorry, Eowyn. The first anniversary was very hard. I cried off and on all day long.  I visited her grave and just spent a few moments thinking of her while there. 

 

Maybe you can have a tradition with your little ones to share stories about your dad with them. That will help them know him better.  I really like this idea. Your little ones will have their memories of him fade as time goes on due to their young age. But, having this tradition (and showing videos/pics of him at all stages of his life) would be a great way to honor and remember him.

[NeuroTypical]

I remember the date of my dad's passing every year.  2002.  Mom's too, though '90's is further back and not as present on my mind any more.  For various reasons, I didn't really mourn enough or mourn right until last year.   The last few years' worth of anniversaries (I don't know what to call them either), I:

 

* Thought a lot about them and all the memories.

* Told Grandma and Grandpa [NT] stories to my kids, neither have any relevant memory, but both feel like they know them.

* I sit there and feel the feels and cry sometimes.  This isn't something to pick myself up from or find a way to feel better about.  It's sad, and I should feel sad, and I let myself sit there and feel sad.

 

* Something that I've found, maybe unique to me, is I have a collection of music art and stories, that I pull out and go over.  Here - have a feels song.   

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Sorry you are hurting. Separation from those we love is so hard.

I would perhaps look at pictures, reminisce with others who loved him, and write one (or more) memories of him in my journal for my posterity to remember him.

Be gentle with yourself, there's nothing wrong with allowing yourself to remember and feeling the pain of being apart.

Edited November 18, 2015 by LiterateParakeet

[BeccaKirstyn]

I'm so very sorry. 

 

My uncle, like a second dad to me, passed away quite a few years ago and we go to In-n-Out on the day of his passing because it was one of his favorite places to eat. It may seem weird to others, but it's a way of remembrance for us to go to his favorite spot and have lunch or dinner with family and remember his time while here on earth. 

 

Our family is big, so this loss was hard for everyone. One of the things that really helped us through it (since he passed at a younger age) was to come together and discuss our memories with him. This usually happens even when it's not the "anniversary" of his death, but I've come to find this a very healthy and helpful way of grieving and mourning for any loved one.

 

I hope you are able to find something that works out best for you. 

[Maureen]

Remember all the good things you loved about your Dad. Remember things that he did that made you laugh. Remember things about him that were unique to him.

 

M.

[Guest MormonGator]

You are in my prayers. I'm giving you a big virtual brotherly hug. 

[askandanswer]

Did he have a favourite, quiet, peaceful, outdoors place he liked to go, where you could also go, and just quietly remember and feel and contemplate? Did he keep any journals or photos that you could go through? Are there other family members nearby who you could meet with and share memories? Could you spend some time writing in your journal about your memories of him? How about starting a scrap book of photos and writings by/about your dad, that you and other family members could add to over the years?

[classylady]

I don't know what to call it either.  I've heard some call it "Heaven Day", or the day they became an Angel, etc.

 

When the "anniversary" of my daughter's death comes around I usually like to post some remembrance photos of her on Facebook.

 

My husband and I always mention it to one another.  It's like we can't help but remember.  It's a day that is engraved upon our souls.

 

My father died when I was a young child.  His death date will come and go and I don't necessarily remember it.  I think, because I was so young, that his death has just been incorporated into my life.  Yet, his death affects me to this day.  I have missed so much in growing up without a father.  I love him and look forward to meeting him again on the other side, and hopefully, really get to know him.

 

We grieve because we have loved.  There is never a "getting over" it.  I will never get over the death of my daughter.  I will miss her until the day I die.  I look forward to when I can hold her in my arms again and give her a hug.  I look forward to telling her how much I love and missed her.  Most days, I am fine, but there are days when the grief can overwhelm me and I will cry and cry.  Those are the days I "hole-up" in my bedroom.  It's been twelve years.

[lagarthaaz]

I don't know what to call it. My dad passed a year ago today. One begins to adjust, I suppose, but I don't think any of us in my family will ever get over it. Things are so different without him.

 

Anyway. . . it feels like I ought to be doing something. But what is there to do? Visiting his grave doesn't do much for me. He isn't there. What do you do? It's not something to "celebrate", and yet it seems wrong just to let it pass like another day.

 

There is so much about death and grief that is weird to me. Confusing. 

 

Eowyn, I'm sorry that you have been mourning the loss of your dad - it seems that the way we deal with 'death anniversaries' is as varied as the relationships we have experienced with loved ones.

 

Some of the ways I have dealt with the passing of loved ones....

 

When my brother passed, I couldn't even do something like eat a slice of pizza without thinking about how he could no longer savor everyday enjoyments. He died from suicide so obviously was deeply unhappy and desperate at the time he passed and it was hard to remember him in a happy way, knowing how he struggled for most of his life. He did love dogs though, and each year I place a ceramic dog on his grave marker just to keep him company, in a symbolic way. I hope he is somehow aware of that in the spirit world and knows he was cared for and is not forgotten.   

 

When we lost my mother-in-law, we knew that during her 41 years as a first grade teacher in California, she was passionate about reading to children. She spent her short retirement volunteering to teach adults to read at the local library (it was called "Pasadena Reads" back then, but has morphed into something bigger in the past 10 years). At her funeral we asked for donations to the adult literacy program, rather than flowers, because that is exactly what she would have loved. We also bought a plaque under a reading bench in her honour at Descanso Gardens, a place she loved to take her first graders on excursions so they could sit and read,draw and write about nature. We don't do anything in particular on the anniversary of her death, rather we support reading programs and donate books to schools and children in need. One day we will take our youngest daughters back to California to sit at their grandma's reading bench and see first-hand the beautiful way she encouraged children to develop a love of reading. 

 

So, if we aren't sure what to do on 'death anniversaries', there are other ways to acknowledge and honor our loved ones who have passed.

 

Having lived in a predominantly pacific islander ward for over a decade, I've been privileged to participate with friends in mourning ceremonies and learn how they deal with the passing of loved ones. It is so different to what we traditionally do in western culture, which is to get it all over and with as quickly as possible, and their 'death anniversaries' are a BIG deal. When someone dies in the various pacific island cultures, the body stays in a home for up to a week, as relatives and friends bring food, gifts and money to share, sing favorite songs, talk, laugh, reminisce and cry together. Death is an event that brings the family together and even very young children are encouraged to visit the deceased loved one as they 'lay in state'. Some of my Primary children come to church with big eyes as they describe their first experience of being in the house with a deceased relative, but they seem to adapt to it quickly. Then comes the funeral and a year later a 'tombstone unveiling' where everyone attends the cemetery and they unveil a beautiful tombstone that all of the family have contributed to. The grave is regularly visited during the year as relatives go to visit with heir loved one. I know I've certainly learned a lot about dealing with death in a more natural way since attending a number of pacific islander ceremonies, but it's still a hard thing to deal with, no matter what culture we come from.

Edited November 19, 2015 by lagarthaaz

[Blackmarch]

I don't know what to call it. My dad passed a year ago today. One begins to adjust, I suppose, but I don't think any of us in my family will ever get over it. Things are so different without him.

 

Anyway. . . it feels like I ought to be doing something. But what is there to do? Visiting his grave doesn't do much for me. He isn't there. What do you do? It's not something to "celebrate", and yet it seems wrong just to let it pass like another day.

 

There is so much about death and grief that is weird to me. Confusing. 

mebbe good exuse to celebrate day of the dead?

[Traveler]

I don't know what to call it. My dad passed a year ago today. One begins to adjust, I suppose, but I don't think any of us in my family will ever get over it. Things are so different without him.

 

Anyway. . . it feels like I ought to be doing something. But what is there to do? Visiting his grave doesn't do much for me. He isn't there. What do you do? It's not something to "celebrate", and yet it seems wrong just to let it pass like another day.

 

There is so much about death and grief that is weird to me. Confusing. 

 

You know your dad?  How would he want you to handle it?  What would he want you to do?

[NeuroTypical]

What I'm taking away from this thread, is a decision to start calling it a deathiversary.  I think my dad would appreciate the gallows humor. 

[Guest]

What I'm taking away from this thread, is a decision to start calling it a deathiversary.  I think my dad would appreciate the gallows humor. 

 

Mine, too.

 

My niece organized all the grandkids to sing a song called "Grandpa Just Like You" or something like that. She re-wrote an ending somewhat to fit my dad better, and had her husband email it to everyone with kids who'd be participating. When he sent it the file name got cut off, and the attachment came through named, "End of Grandpa" (instead of "End of Grandpa Just Like You"). He was mortified but we all agreed that my dad was probably getting a big kick out of it. 

[Bini]

I don't know what to call it. My dad passed a year ago today. One begins to adjust, I suppose, but I don't think any of us in my family will ever get over it. Things are so different without him.

 

Anyway. . . it feels like I ought to be doing something. But what is there to do? Visiting his grave doesn't do much for me. He isn't there. What do you do? It's not something to "celebrate", and yet it seems wrong just to let it pass like another day.

 

There is so much about death and grief that is weird to me. Confusing. 

 

I'm kind of the same way, in that, death and grief is somewhat weird. Not sure how to explain it myself. Well I've lost people in the last ten years, I have yet to lose someone as special to me as a parent or someone in my immediate family. (I am thankful for this.) I suspect I wouldn't ever come to grips with it, I mean, I don't think the sadness of loss would ever fully heal - it'd just become a bit more bearable as time went on but I'd never not feel a piece of my heart missing.

 

Are you close with your mother? I'm trying to think of a way to acknowledge someone who has passed in a way that is also therapeutic. You might find some comfort in sitting down with your father's closes person (I'm just assuming it'd be your mother) and share some good memories between you. Have a box of tissue nearby. I think crying serves a purpose in being able to move forward, at least, a little bit at a time.

[LeSellers]

it feels like I ought to be doing something.

There is so much about death and grief that is weird to me. Confusing.

My mother died while I was serving on my mission in Toulouse, France. That was hard (but not as hard, perhaps, as if I had been home). But it was far, far worse for my little brother: she died on his birthday. We have a very young sister, and our father remarried soon after Mom's death on her account. Our step mother's father died the next year, on that same brother's birthday. The following year, another close relative died, on the same date. He's gotten over what he, back then, called the curse. But it was not a quick recovery.

Our father died about 25 years ago. Again, I was not "home" when it happened, but it still hurt. This time, though, I was grateful that he died — grateful, but very sad. He had been suffering for years with cancer. Death was sweet for him (as it was for our mother — although I didn't know it at the time), bitter for us.

There is a M*A*S*H episode where the one of the doctors (Hunnicutt, I believe) falsified a death certificate because the soldier who died on Christmas had children, and he did not want them to look at Christmas as the day Daddy died.

As to what one should do on an anniversary of death, I have no insights. Remembering that loved one is important, and however you do it, I think you will know that you have done it appropriately: it will make you smile. You may be crying when you do it, but you will be smiling, too.

Please know I wish you a fast, though not painless, recovery from the grief and sadness to the gladness of knowing the Plan of Salvation.

Lehi

Edited November 21, 2015 by LeSellers

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

There is a M*A*S*H episode where the one of the doctors (Hunnicutt, I believe) falsified a death certificate because the soldier who died on Christmas had children, and he did not want them to look at Christmas as the day Daddy died.

 

 

My grandfather served in WWII.  He was killed during the Battle of the Bulge.  His death certificate says Dec. 26th, but I know my Grandmother never believed that.  She believed he died on Christmas and they were just trying to spare her and the children.