My Wife is Leaving me Over Boundaries

[Fire_Guy]

On January 7, 2017 at 7:36 AM, Sunday21 said:

Have you talked to the bishop about counselling for yourself.

I think that I could benefit more from meditation classes than counseling.  I get frustrated from my work and life and then get angry.  Learning to think more positively and set goals will benefit me.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

9 hours ago, Fire_Guy said:

  Learning to think more positively and set goals will benefit me.

Those are some of the things therapy can help with.

[Fire_Guy]

Hello all.  Here is an update.  Sister in law is still living with us and still unemployed.  Pray for her that she can have the will and opportunity to get employed.  Thanks.

[anatess2]

On 2/25/2017 at 9:08 AM, Fire_Guy said:

Hello all.  Here is an update.  Sister in law is still living with us and still unemployed.  Pray for her that she can have the will and opportunity to get employed.  Thanks.

How are you and your wife doing?

[Guest]

You still really need to talk to your bishop, this isn't going to go away, You bishop is there you help you and your family, make an appointment before it's to late. Something is bound to snap and you need his guidance.

[omegaseamaster75]

9 hours ago, miav said:

You still really need to talk to your bishop, this isn't going to go away, You bishop is there you help you and your family, make an appointment before it's to late. Something is bound to snap and you need his guidance.

The OP needs professional help.  This has exceeded the realm of what the bishop can do for them.

I for one would draw a line in the sand, set a date and stick to my guns.  Someone would be leaving (and it wouldn't be me)

 

[Guest]

25 minutes ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

The OP needs professional help.  This has exceeded the realm of what the bishop can do for them.

 

I agree he needs professional help. But counseling with the Bishop is also a good idea.  The Bishop can also help pay for counseling so it doesn't exceed what the Bishop can do. The Bishop can also be inspired on what to say to the OP and his wife or helping the sister-in-law find a job. There are many ways he can help, he just needs to know his help is needed. Both help from the Bishop and professional help is needed.

Edited March 1, 2017 by miav

[omegaseamaster75]

5 minutes ago, miav said:

I agree he needs professional help. But counseling with the Bishop is also a good idea.  The Bishop can also help pay for counseling so it doesn't exceed what the Bishop can do. The Bishop can also be inspired on what to say to the OP and his wife. Both help from the Bishop and professional help is needed.

It's a good idea inasmuch as there are spiritual issues to address, nothing qualifies him to be a MFT.  If there are issues with sin or testimony then yes the bishop should chime in otherwise he should refer them to an LDS counsler and help them financially if needed.

[Guest]

7 minutes ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

otherwise he should refer them to an LDS counsler and help them financially if needed.

Well they would still have to talk to them to get help for a LDS counselor, wouldn't they? The Bishop has various options to help those in need and point them in them right direction they need to go. Thus talking to the Bishop when you are in need and your marriage is on the edge is one of the best things to do. Professional help is also needed. 

[yjacket]

Quite frankly, not much the Bishop or the counselor can do unless they are talking to the wife (and my guess is she doesn't see a problem with the situation).

I'm sorry you are having to go through this Fire_Guy, but the sister-in-law has absolutely 0 incentive to do anything else besides living/mooching off you.  She is comfortable in her current state (or even if she bemoans the fact, the pain factor for her isn't high enough for her to do something about it). And unfortunately, your wife already sided with her sister. She's letting a relationship with a family member get in the way of the most important earthly relationship (spouse).

What to do?  Well, all I can say is good luck.  The biggest challenge is in persuading your wife to stand by you not stand against you. There is the easy way of persuasion and then there is the hard way.

I'd hope I could do it the easy way, but ultimately you are the head of household, you are called to preside and lead your family. Me personally, I'd say something like your sister has been living here for over 6 months (I'm guessing 6 months), she has had plenty of opportunity to get a job (yeah the economy sucks-but it's not that bad right now), it's time for her to leave. I'd give her 30 days and at the end of it tell her she must move out on her own.

Make the executive decision that she needs to leave and don't be pushed around about it.  If your wife leaves you over this-I'd say it's time to find a better wife. Your wife probably needs to understand better what it means to be a wife.

Ephesians 5

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

25Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 30For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 31For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother (my note-i.e. family), and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

[omegaseamaster75]

23 minutes ago, miav said:

Well they would still have to talk to them to get help for a LDS counselor, wouldn't they? 

Yes of course they would

[Fire_Guy]

My wife and I are doing alright.  Right now the Sister in law got tax money and she is living off of that and food stamps right now. But that money is only going to last so long.  Working for a living is way better than wasting away accomplishing nothing.  Only worse thing than having a bad part time job is being unemployed.

[Fire_Guy]

It is June 2017.  My sister in law finally found a full time job.  She starts likely within 9 days.  

[Jane_Doe]

2 hours ago, Fire_Guy said:

It is June 2017.  My sister in law finally found a full time job.  She starts likely within 9 days.  

YEAH!!!!

[Fire_Guy]

My sister in law had a talk yesterday.  She is working full time now and going to eventually pay back all the debt she racked up in her unemployment.  It is going to be a long road but I am relieved she is making the right decision to be responsible.

If any of you will pray for her son.  He has not graduated from high school and he needs a job as well.  He needs direction and encouragement.  I suggested to his mom community service to get some experience and self respect.  His mom said he needs to finish school with which I completely agree with.

[Fire_Guy]

An update since the last post I made.  The sister in law was hurt on the job and ended up losing her employment.  She now has a part time job and has not been making payments.  My wife and her Mom have been making the payments for her and she presently owes us over $10,000.  I wonder if it will ever be paid back?  This what happens when you co-sign for a loan.

Edit:  I also have a much much better job where the management does not treat me like a sack of garbage and I make about ten percent more money.  It is a great place where I work.

Edited July 23, 2018 by Fire_Guy

[Sunday21]

@Fire_Guy Good to hear about your new job! Thanks for posting.

[anatess2]

14 hours ago, Fire_Guy said:

An update since the last post I made.  The sister in law was hurt on the job and ended up losing her employment.  She now has a part time job and has not been making payments.  My wife and her Mom have been making the payments for her and she presently owes us over $10,000.  I wonder if it will ever be paid back?  This what happens when you co-sign for a loan.

Edit:  I also have a much much better job where the management does not treat me like a sack of garbage and I make about ten percent more money.  It is a great place where I work.

Hmm... she should qualify for worker's comp, right?  Is she still living with you?

Congrats on the new job.  How's the marriage doing?

[omegaseamaster75]

17 hours ago, Fire_Guy said:

An update since the last post I made.  The sister in law was hurt on the job and ended up losing her employment.  She now has a part time job and has not been making payments.  My wife and her Mom have been making the payments for her and she presently owes us over $10,000.  I wonder if it will ever be paid back?  .

It was a gift wrap your head around that idea, you are never getting it back and I would stop asking for it back if you haven't already.

 

[Vort]

I have to agree with @omegaseamaster75. Write this one off, and make yourself a mental note that from now on, you will cosign a loan only when you're willing and able to pay the whole thing off yourself.

[Just_A_Guy]

18 hours ago, Fire_Guy said:

An update since the last post I made.  The sister in law was hurt on the job and ended up losing her employment.  She now has a part time job and has not been making payments.  My wife and her Mom have been making the payments for her and she presently owes us over $10,000.  I wonder if it will ever be paid back?  This what happens when you co-sign for a loan.

The card is cancelled now, right?

If not, then I’m going to be candid:  it appears this situation has been going on for over two years, over your explicit and repeated protests.  If that is correct:  it is a wicked thing your wife has done to you; and for your own long-term security you need to start looking at ways to financially protect yourself.  Because it sounds like your wife is perfectly willing to literally have you work yourself to death, with no prospect of retirement (to say nothing of the opportunities you will or won’t be able to give your children), rather than telling her sister “no”.

[Still_Small_Voice]

Most of our money is locked up in Roth retirement accounts now.  Looks like I am going to have to do more of locking up money too in order to keep her sister from begging for more.  Her sister is bankrupt morally concerning this.  I would never do this to another family member.  Her Mom is willing make payments for now but how long will this last is the question.  The sister in law does not seem to have a concept of reality and finances at all.

[anatess2]

8 minutes ago, Still_Small_Voice said:

Most of our money is locked up in Roth retirement accounts now.  Looks like I am going to have to do more of locking up money too in order to keep her sister from begging for more.  Her sister is bankrupt morally concerning this.  I would never do this to another family member.  Her Mom is willing make payments for now but how long will this last is the question.  The sister in law does not seem to have a concept of reality and finances at all.

Wait... I'm confused... @Fire_Guy is @Still_Small_Voice?

[Lost Boy]

Don't ever value money more than your relationship with your wife.  Don't even compare.

I believe the council to never lend a family member money to be quite wise.  Either give them the money no strings attached, or don't give it at all.  having a family member in debt to you makes relationships strained and feelings hurt.

My wife and I agreed never to spend more than we have except to go into debt for a house and a car.  We only have the house debt left.  

If a family member needed money, I would consider giving them the money, but never consider loaning them the money.  I would rather them hate me and not be in debt to me than to have them hate me and be in debt to me.

[anatess2]

6 minutes ago, Lost Boy said:

Don't ever value money more than your relationship with your wife.  Don't even compare.

I agree with this.

But at the same time, you need to be smart with money because not all marriages have this:

6 minutes ago, Lost Boy said:

My wife and I agreed never to spend more than we have except to go into debt for a house and a car.  We only have the house debt left.  

A lot of people don't quite have the same understanding on what "more than we have" means.