Peeing in my living room

[Vort]

A visitor to my home needed to relieve himself, and he did so on my living room carpet. When I asked him why he did so, he seemed confused. "We always pee on the floor back home in the cave," my troglodyte friend told me. "Helps keep the dust down." I mentioned the smell, and he replied, "Yes, that's sort of a fringe benefit. Makes things smell nice. I just ate some asparagus, so I thought it would really help you out." The stain came out, but it took almost a month for the smell to go away.

Another visitor also relieved himself on my living room carpet. When I asked him why he did so, he seemed surprised. "What do you mean?" he responded. "Everyone pees on their floor. Come off your high horse. Besides, I've been staying well-hydrated, so I'm peeing pretty clear these days." He gave me a sly grin. "We're friends here. You don't have to pretend with me." Several carpet cleanings followed.

Yet another visitor used my living room carpet as his personal urinal. When I asked him about it, he became indignant. "Carpets are disgusting!" he insisted. "Do you know how filthy they are? Ever seen a dust mite up close and personal? You walk around here tracking dog poop and other unmentionables all over your floor!" Explaining to him that we remove our shoes when we come in from outside didn't change his tune. "I'll have you know that my urine is perfectly sterile when it comes out of my body! It's not me you have to worry about, you hypocrite!" Needless to say, I replaced the carpets.

But wait, there's more. Just the other day, a visitor to my abode relieved himself on my living room carpet. Exasperated, but trying to be polite, I asked him about it. He responded with a world-weary sigh. "Oh, I peed on your carpet, huh? Yes, I suppose I did. That's just how things are these days." He cocked his head, as if recollecting a dim memory. "Maybe it wasn't always like this. Not sure. It really is too bad, but that's just the world we live in. The best you can really do is to install linoleum."

These four acquaintances who befouled my living room had different reasons for so doing, and I admit that my frustration with the latter few were increasingly greater than with the first and second. Some things are easier to overlook, or at least deal with, when honest ignorance is involved.

But in any case, what do I do? I have considered installing a "Don't Pee on the Floor" sign at my door, or explaining carefully to my guests that we don't allow urination or defecation on our carpets. I don't know. Such things seem over the top -- do I really have to say anything? But of even more concern is that I am certain that at least some of my acquaintances, perhaps even family, would take umbrage at such restrictions on their freedoms. Tough situation. What to do? Just a tough situation all around. A real dilemma, this.

[Guest]

Like I said.  I don't have any friends.  That solves the problem.

[SpiritDragon]

@Vort This post seems like it is meant to be a farce or to explain some form of gospel parallel, but also reads as though it could simply be what it states. So just in case I'm missing something from another thread or a somewhat inside joke - I'll just come out with it... are people really peeing on your floor???

 

[Vort]

Apropos of nothing at all:

 

[Bad Karma]

5 hours ago, Carborendum said:

Like I said.  I don't have any friends.  That solves the problem.

Me either, nobody pees on my carpet. 

[unixknight]

Run electrical wires over the floor.  The problem will go away in short order.

[zil]

23 minutes ago, unixknight said:

short

I see what you did there.

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, zil said:

I see what you did there.

I for one am SHOCKED that you understood that. 

Edited July 19, 2017 by Guest

[zil]

Just now, Carborendum said:

I for one am SHOCKED that you understood that. 

My dad was an electronics engineer (and then taught others that trade), and I have two older brothers, no sisters, so, I kinda learned stuff that a lotta folks wouldn't.  I've managed to forget most of it.  

[Guest]

1 minute ago, zil said:

My dad was an electronics engineer (and then taught others that trade), and I have two older brothers, no sisters, so, I kinda learned stuff that a lotta folks wouldn't.  I've managed to forget most of it.  

Ehrmm... so, you... didn't.... get that?  Nothing.  Nevermind.

Edited July 19, 2017 by Guest

[zil]

1 minute ago, Carborendum said:

Ehrmm... so, you... didn't.... get that?  Nothing.  Nevermind.

What, was I supposed to tell you to stop peeing on @Vort's carpet?

(My "like" was acknowledgement of your "shocked" bit.)

[Guest]

Just now, zil said:

What, was I supposed to tell you to stop peeing on @Vort's carpet?

(My "like" was acknowledgement of your "shocked" bit.)

Nothing.  Nevermind.  Nothing to see here.

[unixknight]

On 7/18/2017 at 7:17 PM, Vort said:

Needless to say, I replaced the carpets.

It's a shame.  That rug really tied the room together. 

Edited July 19, 2017 by unixknight

[jerome1232]

Clearly the real problem is your household is mired in it's old ways and is refusing to progress with the times!

 

[askandanswer]

No, the real problem is that Vort's living room floor and carpet are obviously in the wrong place. If there was no carpet or floor where these people peed, they would not have peed on the carpet. @Vort you need to move your floor away from where these people are wont to pee. I'm surprised I have to tell you this!

[Guest]

9 hours ago, askandanswer said:

No, the real problem is that Vort's living room floor and carpet are obviously in the wrong place. If there was no carpet or floor where these people peed, they would not have peed on the carpet. @Vort you need to move your floor away from where these people are wont to pee. I'm surprised I have to tell you this!

That reminds me of the woman who called into a radio station wondering why the government places "Deer Crossings" at such inconvenient places.

[Vort]

When I wrote this, I remember that I was pondering on those who use profane and foul language. Why did that idea bring this story to mind? Who can say?

[anatess2]

On 8/30/2017 at 7:41 PM, Vort said:

When I wrote this, I remember that I was pondering on those who use profane and foul language. Why did that idea bring this story to mind? Who can say?

Because everybody knows picking vocabulary out of the gutter and uttering it on the living room carpet is peeing on the living room carpet.  Same. Exact. Thing.  And substitution words like heck is peeing sterile, clear pee on said carpet.  Yep!  

[Jamie123]

On 8/31/2017 at 0:41 AM, Vort said:

When I wrote this, I remember that I was pondering on those who use profane and foul language. Why did that idea bring this story to mind? Who can say?

What about innuendos and naughty double-entendres - do they count as carpet-peeing?

[Vort]

2 hours ago, Jamie123 said:

What about innuendos and naughty double-entendres - do they count as carpet-peeing?

Yeah, I guess so. My thought was that we have a verbal environment where live and share things. We actually have several of these environments that correspond with our different activities and places. These different environments encourage different vocabularies and styles; tech talk happens at work, but not so much at home or Church or visiting teaching. Speaking foreign languages is acceptable with some friends but not others. This is also true with the vulgarity or refinement we use to speak. Language at a ball park is rougher than language at work (sometimes), which is in turn rougher than language at church or at home.

At my home, I set the expectation of how we speak. My wife and I set the tone, and the children are expected to comply. If they do not, we correct them, so that by the time they're maybe eight or ten, they fully understand what is appropriate at home and what isn't. When they bring friends over, sometimes the friends don't understand or abide by our rules. It is then up to our children, or sometimes us ourselves, to gently correct these friends, so they know not to pee on the living room carpet.

When others visit our home, they too are expected to comply with our home language. But we don't correct adults the way we do children. Except in egregious circumstances, we generally don't correct adults at all. This can lead to some difficulties, especially when the visitors can sense they have crossed a line but are unsure what they said that might have been offensive. But as adults with goodwill toward each other, we don't dwell on this or worry too much about it. As hosts, we are trying to make our guests comfortable, not instruct them on basic etiquette. If they think of home as a place they can take off their metaphorical shoes and not live with the artificial restrictions of work or public life, perhaps they enjoy using vulgarities in a domestic setting. We aren't like that, but we won't condemn them for their views of things.

What happens when these visitors take umbrage at our linguistic expectations, and chastise us (perhaps in jest or under cover of lighthearted teasing) for having our panties in a wad? "It's just a word!" What happens when our expectations are met with eye-rolls or snark, or a world-weary sigh and platitudes about simpler times and maybe things really did used to be that way, back in some almost-forgotten past that has no real bearing on the present except with those who refuse to keep up with the times?

My metaphor was a meditation on all these things -- not only on language use, but on people's attitudes toward those who try to keep their communications clean and virtuous, especially at home. Many people don't get it, and some get agitated or even hostile on encountering such a home. What to make of that? Well, my carpet-peeing metaphor is what I make of it.

[Guest]

On 8/30/2017 at 6:41 PM, Vort said:

When I wrote this, I remember that I was pondering on those who use profane and foul language. Why did that idea bring this story to mind? Who can say?

As I recall, that thread (OP) was in response to another thread about what non-LDS behaviors we would or would not allow in their homes.  Profane and foul language was only one line item in the suggested list of behaviors.

[Jamie123]

1 hour ago, Vort said:

Well, my carpet-peeing metaphor is what I make of it.

There are actually very few verbal utterances I'd not tolerate in my own house. It pretty much comes down to two things: (i) If you must swear like a sailor I'd rather you did it in while my 12-year-old daughter isn't in earshot. (ii) No snarky comments to my wife, particularly on the subject of housekeeping.

Having said that though, I must have peed on a few carpets myself over the years.

For example a few years back we used to go occasionally to our local Evangelical Church to make a change from our usual Anglicanism. On one occasion they were having an exhibition called "The Christmas Journey" where visitors walk between different displays and tableaux, each with a different message, leading up to the great "Miracle of Christmas".

The first of these displays dealt with "The Creation" in which a lady told us in a cheery voice how "Christians believe that the world was created in six days". I wanted to tell her "I don't" but she probably doesn't consider me to be a Proper Christian^TM  so that would have been pretty pointless.

I nevertheless couldn't resist coughing in a way to sound like "Darwin" - which I'm pretty sure she noticed but ignored me.

When I got back to my wife at the coffee area - she hadn't yet seen the display - I told her: "When you get in there don't say anything about Charles Darwin! I mentioned him once but I think I got away with it!"

She told me crossly not to get us thrown out.

Edited September 1, 2017 by Jamie123

[anatess2]

This thread made me think of the viral meme about the burnt toast.  Remember that?  Where this husband taught his kid to eat burnt toast without saying anything as a compassionate act for the wife?

Well, I'm probably the only one in the planet whose first thought was that the wife peed on the carpet and everybody was happy to sit on it.  No no no.  If the wife burns the toast, you don't have to eat the toast.  Go make another toast and give your wife one while you're at it!