Is it appropriate to tell a girl you're interested in them while she's already dating someone?

[chasingthewind]

I am madly in love with a certain young woman I've known for a little under a year and I'm pretty sure she's in love with me too.  She tells me she loves talking to me and our friendship has been a tremendous blessing in her life.  We text each other a lot.  We talk to each other on the phone for hours.  I bore my testimony to her once and she said 'it filled her whole soul with joy' and she would be 'forever grateful for meeting me'.  The only thing preventing us from being together is geography.  She lives in the Salt Lake City area and I live in southern Arizona.  I wish we lived closer together. :C  She is going to drive down to my apartment in a few weeks for a visit and I want to pop the news to her (more like state the obvious to her lol).  But the last time we talked on the phone she told me she is currently dating someone.  This gives me pause about whether I should confess my feelings to her.  Do you think it's appropriate to confess how I feel about her if she's already in the middle of dating someone?

Edited July 20, 2017 by chasingthewind

[Guest MormonGator]

3 minutes ago, chasingthewind said:

I am madly in love with a certain young woman I've known for a little under a year and I'm pretty sure she's in love with me too.  She tells me she loves talking to me and our friendship has been a tremendous blessing in her life. 

She loves your friendship-that's the key right there bro. She views you as a friend. That's unlikely to change.  You've been friend zoned. Which is a tough thing to take if you are in love with her. Sorry man. 
 

4 minutes ago, chasingthewind said:

  But the last time we talked on the phone she told me she is currently dating someone.  This gives me pause about whether I should confess my feelings to her.  Do you think it's appropriate to confess how I feel about her if she's already in the middle of dating someone?

No, it's not appropriate. You'll damage the friendship. Sometimes it's better to remain friends than put a friendship at risk. I'm a big believer that men and women can be friends-if you tell her you are in love with her, she might not respond in the same way and it'll forever be awkward b between the two of you. 

I'm sorry man. It sounds like you might need to look elsewhere. 

[NeedleinA]

8 minutes ago, chasingthewind said:

But the last time we talked on the phone she told me she is currently dating someone.

Any thoughts as to why she would specifically bring this point up to you during your prior conversation?
"I'm dating someone, therefore..."
"I'm dating someone, so I probably should/shouldn't..."

[chasingthewind]

You don't know what you're talking about.

The reason why she said our "friendship" has been a tremendous blessing is because she was responding to a comment of mine where I said it first. I told her 'I am so grateful to have you as a friend' and she agreed with me.

You don't know me.  And you don't know her.  You don't know the times we've spent together and the conversations we've had together and the extremely touching moments we've had.  You are not in a position at all to say I have been permanently 'friend-zoned' based off one freakin' comment.

Try asking for more context before jumping to conclusions.

Edited July 20, 2017 by chasingthewind

[NeuroTypical]

You like her.  She likes dood.

In any love triangle - in EVERY love triangle - at least one person ends up with a broken heart.  Maybe all three of you.  

The best you can hope for involves poor dood having his heart broken, so she will be with you. Depending on how much she likes dood, her heart might need to break too, in order for her to like you. 

Unlike MormonGator, I'm in the "all's fair in love and war" camp.  Just make sure you go into it knowing someone's going to get hurt, and it might be you.   One person's "40 years later, I'm still glad I did it, even though the guy drives past my porch every Christmas eve and shoots out my porch light", is another person's "Over 40 years later, I still miss her, and my rock garden and global philanthropy doesn't fill the hole".  

 

[NeuroTypical]

Quote

"Do you think it's appropriate..."

"[perspective/advice you don't want to hear]"

"You don't know what you're talking about you don't know me and you don't know her you don't know the times we've spent together and the conversations we've had together and the extremely touching moments we've had you are not in a position at all to say I have been permanently 'friend-zoned' based off one freakin' comment."

Heh - welcome to being totally out of your head batcrap insane with infatuation, my friend.  If there's one thing I know, it doesn't matter what any of us tell you, you're going to do what your hormones and emotions are driving you to do.  You don't have control over your own steering wheel here. 

Come back after this plays out and let us know how it turned out!

(I have ten bucks that say the cops get called...)

Edited July 20, 2017 by NeuroTypical

[chasingthewind]

22 minutes ago, NeedleinA said:

Any thoughts as to why she would specifically bring this point up to you during your prior conversation?
"I'm dating someone, therefore..."
"I'm dating someone, so I probably should/shouldn't..."

 

We talk about the Gospel a lot and we were talking about eternal families.  She was telling me she doesn't want to pursue a demanding medical career because she believes God wants her to settle down and have children.  Then she brought up the fact that the person she's currently dating will be attending law school in a few years which means if they were to marry then she can stay home and take care of the kids while he finishes school. She said all of this in a very 'matter of fact' sort of way.  It's not like she was telling me about her boyfriend in order to deflect me from pursuing her.

 

Edited July 20, 2017 by chasingthewind

[Guest MormonGator]

1 minute ago, chasingthewind said:

 

We talk about the Gospel a lot and we were talking about eternal families.  She was telling me she doesn't want to pursue a demanding medical career because she believes God wants her to settle down and have children.  Then she brought up the fact that the person she's currently dating will be attending law school in a few years which will mean she can stay home and take care of the kids while he finishes school. She said all of this in a very 'matter of fact' sort of way.  It's not like she was me about her boyfriend in order to deflect me from pursuing her.

 

That she sees a future with her boyfriend (and she does, that's why she brought up the law school thing) isn't a good sign for you. 

Dude, we're not trying to insult you or shoot you down here. We try and give advice based on what you tell us. If you ask a question we will do our best to give a compassionate and correct answer based on what you tell us. If you ask a question but don't give us all the information in a proper context-we can't help you. If you already made up your mind and aren't interested in listening to us-we can't help you.
 

[my two cents]

Have you asked yourself what you have to offer this girl?  If she wants to stay home with the kids, you better have something figured out so she can do that. If you do choose to spill the beans, you better have a decent case because liking someone doesn't cut it when she's thinking ahead.

[my two cents]

Another thing, if you were the other guy, would you think it's appropriate??

[Just_A_Guy]

I say, have her come down.  Have a great time--as friends.  Get to know each other--as friends.*  Don't do anything that will weird out the relationship.

At some point, shortly after she's home, during a conversation on some other topic, casually drop in something like:

"Hey, I really enjoyed our visit.  I know you're seeing someone; but if it doesn't work out I'd be interested in spending a lot more time with you and seeing where things go.  Either way, your friendship means a lot to me too."  

Then, just see what happens.

 

 

*I personally have a hard time believing a female would travel out of state to visit a male if she weren't at least *a little* interested in him.  But, hey, I'm the king of misreading signals from women.

Edited July 20, 2017 by Just_A_Guy

[chasingthewind]

11 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

That she sees a future with her boyfriend (and she does, that's why she brought up the law school thing) isn't a good sign for you. 

Dude, we're not trying to insult you or shoot you down here. We try and give advice based on what you tell us. If you ask a question we will do our best to give a compassionate and correct answer based on what you tell us. If you ask a question but don't give us all the information in a proper context-we can't help you. If you already made up your mind and aren't interested in listening to us-we can't help you.
 

Who *doesn't* consider future options with the person their currently dating?  She is just considering options.  That's it. It's not a good sign or a bad sign.  She's just doing what anyone would do.

I didn't think your first response was very compassionate.  You immediately jumped to the conclusion that I have been permanently "friend-zoned" based off one comment without even trying to understand the surrounding context.  I'm sorry if I overreacted though.

[chasingthewind]

4 minutes ago, Just_A_Guy said:

I say, have her come down.  Have a great time--as friends.  Get to know each other--as friends.  Don't do anything that will weird out the relationship.

At some point, shortly after she's home, during a conversation on some other topic, casually drop in something like:

"Hey, I really enjoyed our visit.  I know you're seeing someone; but if it doesn't work out I'd be interested in spending a lot more time with you and seeing where things go.  Either way, your friendship means a lot to me too."  

Then, just see what happens.

Thanks!!!!!! I like this a lot.

[mdfxdb]

OP,

You need to lay your cards out.  You have been friend zoned.  If you do not tell her how you feel, you will remain friend zoned, and have a broken heart at the same time.  If you tell her how you feel and she shoots you down, then you will have a broken heart.  No big deal, that's where you're headed anyways.  

The upshot, is if she doesn't shoot you down, then you will have achieved "love"

Quit wasting your time.  Tell her how you feel.  Girls think about friends differently than guy's do.  If you're honest with yourself you will understand that even right now as "friends" she doesn't feel the same way about you that you do about her.  This is why it is important to find out asap.  

P.S.

You posted on an anonymous forum asking advice from strangers.  You need to tuck your ego, and sense of self righteousness.  You're completely right, we don't know you, we don't know her, and you don't know us.  If you want validation, or a hug, go ask your mom.    

[chasingthewind]

18 minutes ago, my two cents said:

Another thing, if you were the other guy, would you think it's appropriate??

I'm on the fence about this.  I think it all depends how serious the relationship is.  If I was on the verge of getting married to someone, then I'd say its inappropriate but if I was only casually dating then I personally wouldn't care.

I don't know how serious their relationship is at the moment.  I know she stopped seeing another guy a few months ago so they couldn't have been dating for too long.

[person0]

You generally would stop trying if she's engaged (or has rejected you already - multiple times), however, anyone is free game until they are married!  After that you get away and leave them alone!

[chasingthewind]

21 minutes ago, Just_A_Guy said:

*I personally have a hard time believing a female would travel out of state to visit a male if she weren't at least *a little* interested in him.  But, hey, I'm the king of misreading signals from women

I was waiting to move from NY to AZ for the past few months to start a new job and she was badgering me the entire time telling me how she "can't wait" to visit me once I get there.  She also said she wants me to visit her in October so we can go to General Conference together.  Not sure what to make of all this.

Edited July 20, 2017 by chasingthewind

[Snigmorder]

1 minute ago, person0 said:

You generally would stop trying if she's engaged (or has rejected you already - multiple times), however, anyone is free game until they are married!  After that you get away and leave them alone!

I have a friend who muscles in on girls he knows his own friends are into, and doesn't think it's a problem. 

Let me tell you a story about this friend, alias Ted. Ted  was friends with a guy and a girl. Said guy asks said girl to a movie. Since said guy could not drive yet, he asked Ted if he could take them to the movie. I don't know how it ended up this way, if he was invited or not, but Ted went to the movie with them, as in watched it with them.  

At some point, Ted ends up holding hands with the girl, or kissing her, or something. Literally stealing his friends date right in front of him, and apparently had no qualms about it (the girl either it seems.) 

I talked to his friend many years after this happened and apparently the friend suffered by this somewhat. The whole thing was dishonorable in my estimation, an obvious and embarrassing breach of morals.

[Snigmorder]

7 minutes ago, chasingthewind said:

I was waiting to move from NY to AZ for the past few months to start a new job and she was badgering me the entire time telling me how she "can't wait" to visit me once I get there.  She also said she wants me to visit her in October so we can go to General Conference together.  Not sure what to make of all this.

Well quit guessing and just ask her if she likes you that way or not. 

[Guest]

8 minutes ago, Snigmorder said:

I have a friend who muscles in on girls he knows his own friends are into, and doesn't think it's a problem. 

Let me tell you a story about this friend, alias Ted. Ted  was friends with a guy and a girl. Said guy asks said girl to a movie. Since said guy could not drive yet, he asked Ted if he could take them to the movie. I don't know how it ended up this way, if he was invited or not, but Ted went to the movie with them, as in watched it with them.  

At some point, Ted ends up holding hands with the girl, or kissing her, or something. Literally stealing his friends date right in front of him, and apparently had no qualms about it (the girl either it seems.) 

I talked to his friend many years after this happened and apparently the friend suffered by this somewhat. The whole thing was dishonorable in my estimation, an obvious and embarrassing breach of morals.

Wow, that is slimy.  Ted sounds like a creep and should be ashamed of himself.  I knew a guy who did this to a friend of mine (steal a girl while she was on a date with my friend), and it really damaged my opinion of the guy (not that I liked him much to begin with) . . . the friend of mine, believe it or not, eventually won the girl back and they got married.  I am happy for my friend, but I would have run for the hills.

As for stealing another person's girlfriend while they are not on a date together, I know casual dating is not serious and is to get to know if someone is marriage material.  That said, somewhere deep down I would be troubled with hitting on a girl who is in a relationship.  It just isn't my style.  This goes only for casual relationships - once they are engaged, I feel the honorable thing is to stay away.

Edited July 20, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[zil]

32 minutes ago, Just_A_Guy said:

*I personally have a hard time believing a female would travel out of state to visit a male if she weren't at least *a little* interested in him.

I concur.  Sounds like husband shopping - but depending on whether they've met in person, it could just be her determining whether he's someone to consider thinking that way about, as opposed to already thinking that way.

However, one should keep in mind that women are fully capable of viewing even attractive men as "just friends" (whereas, based on comments from a seeming majority of men herein, (most) men aren't capable of this, thus leading to men misinterpreting a woman's intent more frequently than women misinterpret a man's intent).  Nothing, absolutely nothing the OP has related thus far, other than this trip, indicates anything more than friendship (from a woman's perspective - since the OP doesn't know, I'll mention here that I'm a woman).

The question is, is this woman explicitly going to AZ only "to drive down to [OP's] apartment", or is she going for other reasons and meeting up with OP is a nice addition to the trip?  Further, only an insane female goes to the apartment of a male she doesn't already know well (in person).  (But the OP doesn't tell us whether they've met in person before.)

Meanwhile, I felt inspired by @NeuroTypical's second post to draw a picture (of our OP, falling, and singing) (all in good fun @chasingthewind)...

For @Snigmorder and @DoctorLemon, I refer you to Little Sister, by Elvis Presley (possibly my favorite Elvis song).

[Snigmorder]

4 minutes ago, DoctorLemon said:

Wow, that is slimy.  Ted sounds like a creep and should be ashamed of himself.  I knew a guy who did this to a friend of mine (steal a girl while she was on a date), and it really damaged my opinion of the guy (not that I liked him much to begin with) . . . the friend of mine, believe it or not, eventually won the girl back and they got married.  I am happy for my friend, but I would have run for the hills.

As for stealing another person's girlfriend while they are not on a date together, I know casual dating is not serious and is to get to know if someone is marriage material.  That said, somewhere deep down I would be troubled with hitting on a girl who is in a relationship.  It just isn't my style.  This goes for casual relationships - once they are engaged, I feel the honorable thing is to stay away.

 Funny thing about Ted is that he's extremely generous with his money and has even given up personal property to try and raise money for a friends needs. If I didn't know Ted and had only heard about him muscling in on women, I would've thought him a walking scumbag.

Edited July 20, 2017 by Snigmorder

[chasingthewind]

2 minutes ago, zil said:

I concur.  Sounds like husband shopping - but depending on whether they've met in person, it could just be her determining whether he's someone to consider thinking that way about, as opposed to already thinking that way.

However, one should keep in mind that women are fully capable of viewing even attractive men as "just friends" (whereas, based on comments from a seeming majority of men herein, (most) men aren't capable of this, thus leading to men misinterpreting a woman's intent more frequently than women misinterpret a man's intent).  Nothing, absolutely nothing the OP has related thus far, other than this trip, indicates anything more than friendship (from a woman's perspective - since the OP doesn't know, I'll mention here that I'm a woman).

The question is, is this woman explicitly going to AZ only "to drive down to [OP's] apartment", or is she going for other reasons and meeting up with OP is a nice addition to the trip?  Further, only an insane female goes to the apartment of a male she doesn't already know well (in person).  (But the OP doesn't tell us whether they've met in person before.)

Meanwhile, I felt inspired by @NeuroTypical's second post to draw a picture (of our OP, falling, and singing) (all in good fun @chasingthewind)...

Yes, we've met many times in person at church in NY where she served her mission.  She was a missionary in the YSA where I was baptized.  I was her "golden investigator".

[my two cents]

2 minutes ago, chasingthewind said:

She was a missionary in the YSA where I was baptized.  I was her "golden investigator".

How long ago was this?

[zil]

1 minute ago, chasingthewind said:

I was her "golden investigator".

Everything was looking good until you said that.  Seriously, dude, this could be nothing more than her wanting to make sure you remain in the church, and expressing joy at the strength of your conversion because she helped you to find the gospel.

On the other hand, I think @NeuroTypical nailed your current state, so what's gonna happen is what's gonna happen.  I think @Just_A_Guy has given the best advice herein.