Is it appropriate to tell a girl you're interested in them while she's already dating someone?

[chasingthewind]

8 minutes ago, my two cents said:

How long ago was this?

I met with her from August to December and we've been calling/texting each other since then.

 

7 minutes ago, zil said:

Everything was looking good until you said that.  Seriously, dude, this could be nothing more than her wanting to make sure you remain in the church, and expressing joy at the strength of your conversion because she helped you to find the gospel.

On the other hand, I think @NeuroTypical nailed your current state, so what's gonna happen is what's gonna happen.  I think @Just_A_Guy has given the best advice herein.

.... huh? She knows I am going to remain in the church.  She has told me repeatedly that my testimony blows her away by quoting Alma 26:16- "Behold I cannot say unto you the smallest part which I feel."  She has said my desire to serve God motivates her to keep learning and doing better.  She has said she is eternally grateful for meeting me and my conversion is 'so richly rewarding to her'.  I have even done temple work for her.  I did about 30 proxy baptisms for her male family members.  We talk to each other for hours reading scriptures together and I teach her about different things. She most certainly is not coming down to visit me just to make sure I stay in the church.

Edited July 20, 2017 by chasingthewind

[zil]

5 minutes ago, chasingthewind said:

.... huh? She knows I am going to remain in the church.  She has told me repeatedly that my testimony blows her away by quoting Alma 26:16- "Behold I cannot say unto you the smallest part which I feel."  She has said my desire to serve God motivates her to keep learning and doing better.  She has said she is eternally grateful for meeting me and my conversion is 'so richly rewarding to her'.  I have even done temple work for her.  I did about 30 proxy baptisms for her male family members.  We talk to each other for hours reading scriptures together and I teach her about different things. She most certainly is not coming down to visit me just to make sure I stay in the church.

And not one bit of that is conclusive evidence of romantic interest (from a female perspective).  It may well be, but I wouldn't bet the farm on it.  Doesn't matter anyway.  Follow JAG's advice, and the advice of those saying to find out the truth - either now, or when she comes to visit.  If it turns out she's interested in a romantic relationship with you, then she'll worry about her boyfriend and you won't have to.

[chasingthewind]

Did I say it was "conclusive evidence of romantic interest"?  No, I said it is conclusive evidence that she is not visiting me merely to make sure I stay in the church.

[Guest Godless]

My wife dated two guys (and got engaged to one of them) between the time that I first fell in love with her and our first date. Distance was also an obstacle for us for a while. The "friend zone" can be broken, but it's difficult and I'm sure stories like mine are generally the exception to the rule. With that in mind, I say spill the beans, but do it tactfully and with an open mind. Sell it as a "clearing the air" statement, not a "you should dump your man and get with me" statement. You should be sharing your feelings, not trying to make a move. The former, if done right, is acceptable while she still has a boyfriend. The latter is not. The latter makes you Ted. Don't be Ted. 

@NeuroTypical is right, someone is ultimately going to get hurt in this situation, and you need to be prepared for it to be you. It's impossible to predict how she'll react to your confession. It could end well for you, bad for you, or leave you about where you are now. If you really care for her that much, though, I see no harm in putting your feelings out there. If she doesn't share your feelings, it'll hurt, but I think it will hurt more (and longer) if you stay silent. The pain of knowing she doesn't romantically love you won't be as bad as the pain of not knowing how she feels. And hey, maybe the feeling is mutual. Either way, I don't blame you for wanting to take the chance. I took a chance once, and we'll be celebrating 5 years of marriage next month. That may or may not end up being your story, but don't subject yourself to the agony of never knowing. 

[person0]

40 minutes ago, Snigmorder said:

Literally stealing his friends date right in front of him, and apparently had no qualms about it (the girl either it seems.) 

From the version of the story you tell, it is clear that this Ted guy was probably a total jerk.  But really, if you think about it, would your friend want anything to do with a girl like that?  I sure wouldn't.  He probably lucked out getting rid of that garbage sooner than later!

[Snigmorder]

1 minute ago, person0 said:

From the version of the story you tell, it is clear that this Ted guy was probably a total jerk.  But really, if you think about it, would your friend want anything to do with a girl like that?  I sure wouldn't.  He probably lucked out getting rid of that garbage sooner than later!

I think you're right. She was kind of a weirdo anyway. Ted's friend just didn't know many girls at the time I guess.

[my two cents]

I'm going to suggest that you don't do this in person so she's not put on the spot. The situation may be such that she'll need time to think about how best to respond.

Edited July 20, 2017 by my two cents

[Guest]

31 minutes ago, Snigmorder said:

I think you're right. She was kind of a weirdo anyway. Ted's friend just didn't know many girls at the time I guess.

And you know, it really says a lot about a person who is willing to dump their date for someone else while still on the date.  Is she a sociopath?  She clearly didn't care about humiliating your friend in one of the worst ways imaginable.  She clearly has no respect for her significant others and relationships now, and this says something about her propensity to cheat later on.  Same for Ted.

I am sorry, but if you are not willing to wait 90 minutes for your date with one guy to end to make out with some other guy, then you are frankly not a nice person.

Edited July 20, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[anatess2]

My advice:

GO DUCKIE!!!!

Every girl needs a Duckie in their lives.  Every guy needs to be a Duckie to some girl.  Ahhhh!  I love Duckie.

 

 

[BeccaKirstyn]

54 minutes ago, chasingthewind said:

Did I say it was "conclusive evidence of romantic interest"?  No, I said it is conclusive evidence that she is not visiting me merely to make sure I stay in the church.

Dude, I know it's hard to come on a forum and put a question out there that you don't want to hear the "wrong" answer to but if you're wanting our advice you at least have to take the "wrong" answers with a humble heart. No need to be defensive, people are just stating their opinions on the topic. At the end of the day it is YOUR decision and YOUR life. Do what you want to do (to me I think you already know, you just want validation which is a normal human desire, hence why you're defensive with people who don't agree with the decision you've already decided). 

 

[Vort]

2 hours ago, chasingthewind said:

Do you think it's appropriate to confess how I feel about her if she's already in the middle of dating someone?

Yes.

My first impulse was to tell you to man up and go for it. No risk, no reward. But the more I think about this, the less it sounds like an adult relationship and the more it sounds like childish infatuation. Is that the case? And if this woman is dating another man seriously enough to consider marrying him, why is she so openly and aggressively flirting with you?

Sounds suspicious to me. Maybe that's why I'm not Dear Abby. (Well, that and the fact that I possess both brains and a moral backing.)

[Sunday21]

@chasingthewind. If me, I would look at her shrewdly and ask, So how serious are you about this guy? Is there a chance for me? 

If she says nothing or just laughs, you still have the friendship. 

By the way, are you interested in being friends with this woman? If you are interested in being a friend after she is married, then you might want to congratulate her and help plan the wedding 

[Latter-Day Marriage]

3 hours ago, chasingthewind said:

I am madly in love with a certain young woman I've known for a little under a year and I'm pretty sure she's in love with me too.  She tells me she loves talking to me and our friendship has been a tremendous blessing in her life.  We text each other a lot.  We talk to each other on the phone for hours.  I bore my testimony to her once and she said 'it filled her whole soul with joy' and she would be 'forever grateful for meeting me'.  The only thing preventing us from being together is geography.  She lives in the Salt Lake City area and I live in southern Arizona.  I wish we lived closer together. :C  She is going to drive down to my apartment in a few weeks for a visit and I want to pop the news to her (more like state the obvious to her lol).  But the last time we talked on the phone she told me she is currently dating someone.  This gives me pause about whether I should confess my feelings to her.  Do you think it's appropriate to confess how I feel about her if she's already in the middle of dating someone?

When I met my wife to be, we lived 100 miles apart, a year later it was 1150 miles, and a year after that it was 2800 miles (while on my mission) and it didn't stop us from getting married shortly after I got back.  The first year we were able to see each other about once a month at church dances, most of our contact was via snail mail and phone calls. Long distance relationships are hard but if it is right, the distance won't stop it.

I say not telling her is somewhat dishonest. Don't pressure her to make a change right now or get overly serious and emotional or worst of all, needy.  Accept that she has a boyfriend and don't try and ruin that for her, respect that choice of hers.  Just inform her that you have feelings for her too as a FYI thing.  She should know what her options are and it is really flattering to a girl to have more than one guy interested in her.  Say something like:  'I know you have a boyfriend now, but I would really love to be your next boyfriend as soon as you are ready for that.'

Fortune favors the bold, nothing ventured nothign gained, and for all you know, she may have said that to provoke you to make a move, or their relationship might not be that so great.

Edited July 20, 2017 by Latter-Day Marriage

[Latter-Day Marriage]

2 hours ago, my two cents said:

Another thing, if you were the other guy, would you think it's appropriate??

They are not married so I don't' see anything inappropriate about it.  She has a right to know her options before she makes her final choice.  As long as no deception is involved by anybody that is part of the rules of the game.  While I was on my mission some other guy tried very hard to win my girl over, I knew somebody would try that.  He did resort to pressure and deception but still failed in the end.

Edited July 20, 2017 by Latter-Day Marriage

[seashmore]

I suggest you tell her why you like her, rather than simply that you think you're in love with her. That way, if your heart ends up in pieces because she's looking to make a life with someone else, you'll know what glue holds it together and you can find someone else who has that.

That being said, I thought I was in love with a guy who I dated on and off for about a year. We had a pretty epic friendship before and after we dated, complete with ups and downs. There was one particular moment where I almost said "I love you," but I didn't. I'm really glad I didn't, for many reasons. The main reason our friendship is in a dormant stage is because I moved to a different city. Also, his wife developed an active distaste for me, and I didn't/don't want his friendship with me to be an issue in their marriage.

Good luck, we're all counting on you.

[seashmore]

21 minutes ago, Vort said:

 And if this woman is dating another man seriously enough to consider marrying him, why is she so openly and aggressively flirting with you?

Sounds suspicious to me. 

This is exactly why I don't bother flirting with guys who are in a romantic relationship with someone else. If I can steal him from her, who's going to steal him from me?

Edited July 21, 2017 by seashmore

[Latter-Day Marriage]

This thread reminds me of a zone meeting on my mission.  The ZL had us all pick names from a hat, and we had to stand up at the front and say something nice about the person who's name we picked, then say who it was, then that person would have to get up and do theirs.  One sister got up and went on for 5 minutes or more saying some really, really nice things about an Elder in the zone, pretty much everything short of 'and I want to have his babies'.  It felt pretty awkward but he got up and said 'Gee, I wish I had taken notes' and everyone laughed and the awkwardness was gone.

[my two cents]

23 minutes ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

  2 hours ago, my two cents said:

Another thing, if you were the other guy, would you think it's appropriate??

 

They are not married so I don't' see anything inappropriate about it.  She has a right to know her options before she makes her final choice.  As long as no deception is involved by anybody that is part of the rules of the game.  While I was on my mission some other guy tried very hard to win my girl over, I knew somebody would try that.  He did resort to pressure and deception but still failed in the end.

Was just offering a different perspective that hadn't been brought up. Glad things worked out for you. 

[chasingthewind]

1 hour ago, Godless said:

My wife dated two guys (and got engaged to one of them) between the time that I first fell in love with her and our first date. Distance was also an obstacle for us for a while. The "friend zone" can be broken, but it's difficult and I'm sure stories like mine are generally the exception to the rule. With that in mind, I say spill the beans, but do it tactfully and with an open mind. Sell it as a "clearing the air" statement, not a "you should dump your man and get with me" statement. You should be sharing your feelings, not trying to make a move. The former, if done right, is acceptable while she still has a boyfriend. The latter is not. The latter makes you Ted. Don't be Ted. 

@NeuroTypical is right, someone is ultimately going to get hurt in this situation, and you need to be prepared for it to be you. It's impossible to predict how she'll react to your confession. It could end well for you, bad for you, or leave you about where you are now. If you really care for her that much, though, I see no harm in putting your feelings out there. If she doesn't share your feelings, it'll hurt, but I think it will hurt more (and longer) if you stay silent. The pain of knowing she doesn't romantically love you won't be as bad as the pain of not knowing how she feels. And hey, maybe the feeling is mutual. Either way, I don't blame you for wanting to take the chance. I took a chance once, and we'll be celebrating 5 years of marriage next month. That may or may not end up being your story, but don't subject yourself to the agony of never knowing. 

 

You’re right.  It will be so much more painful if I never tell her how I feel than if I tell her and she turns me down.

 

I fully plan on sharing my feelings with her in a tactful manner.  I’ll just tell her how much she means to me and then leave the ball in her court.  That’s it.   I have no business telling her what she should do with her current boyfriend.

 

Also, I have a few questions for you if you don’t mind. 

 

How did you treat your wife while she was still dating other guys?  How did you walk the tightrope of trying to break out of the friend zone while not trying to interfere with her current relationships?   

 

When/how did you go about spilling the beans to your wife?  Did you spill the beans to her while she was still dating or did you wait until she was single to spill them?   

 

Why weren’t you able to go out with your wife after she stopped dating the first guy?  Did it have to do with distance?  Also, may I ask how exactly you overcame the “distance”-problem?

[chasingthewind]

1 hour ago, my two cents said:

I'm going to suggest that you don't do this in person so she's not put on the spot. The situation may be such that she'll need time to think about how best to respond.

Good point... I haven't really thought it through whether I want to tell her during or after she visits.

Edited July 21, 2017 by chasingthewind

[chasingthewind]

52 minutes ago, Vort said:

Yes.

My first impulse was to tell you to man up and go for it. No risk, no reward. But the more I think about this, the less it sounds like an adult relationship and the more it sounds like childish infatuation. Is that the case? And if this woman is dating another man seriously enough to consider marrying him, why is she so openly and aggressively flirting with you?

Sounds suspicious to me. Maybe that's why I'm not Dear Abby. (Well, that and the fact that I possess both brains and a moral backing.)

 

It’s not a childish infatuation.  We’ve had (and continue to have) very personal conversations about our greatest weaknesses.  Part of why I like her so much is that I feel like I can be totally honest with her and I’m pretty sure she feels the same way about me, otherwise she wouldn’t share so much personal information with me.

[Suzie]

I don't understand women. Really.

Even though it is true and I agree with @Just_A_Guy that a girl might not travel out of state just for a "friend" etc, I'm quite sure that even if she gave those "hints" that she might be interested, if approached about it, I wouldn't be surprised if she says something along the lines..."Oh no, I didn't mean it that way. I like you just like a friend, I'm sorry".

[Guest MormonGator]

42 minutes ago, seashmore said:

This is exactly why I don't bother flirting with guys who are in a romantic relationship with someone else. If I can steal him from her, who's going to steal him from me?

Smart woman. 

[chasingthewind]

1 hour ago, BeccaKirstyn said:

Dude, I know it's hard to come on a forum and put a question out there that you don't want to hear the "wrong" answer to but if you're wanting our advice you at least have to take the "wrong" answers with a humble heart. No need to be defensive, people are just stating their opinions on the topic. At the end of the day it is YOUR decision and YOUR life. Do what you want to do (to me I think you already know, you just want validation which is a normal human desire, hence why you're defensive with people who don't agree with the decision you've already decided). 

 

I apologize for being overly-defensive in my responses.  It's definitely a weakness of mine that I need to work on.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, chasingthewind said:

Yes, we've met many times in person at church in NY where she served her mission.  She was a missionary in the YSA where I was baptized.  I was her "golden investigator".

2 hours ago, chasingthewind said:

I met with her from August to December and we've been calling/texting each other since then.

.... huh? She knows I am going to remain in the church.  She has told me repeatedly that my testimony blows her away by quoting Alma 26:16- "Behold I cannot say unto you the smallest part which I feel."  She has said my desire to serve God motivates her to keep learning and doing better.  She has said she is eternally grateful for meeting me and my conversion is 'so richly rewarding to her'.  I have even done temple work for her.  I did about 30 proxy baptisms for her male family members.  We talk to each other for hours reading scriptures together and I teach her about different things. She most certainly is not coming down to visit me just to make sure I stay in the church.

This sounds really bad.

Chase, 

I've read all the posts.  And I was on the fence.  But once you added this additional information... This is not good.  It's a variant of the Florence Nightingale syndrome.

It doesn't matter how you feel.  My advice is to look elsewhere.  You're in Arizona now (or will be soon -- I couldn't quite tell).  There are a LOT more LDS girls in AZ.  Start anew.  You'll feel much more fulfilled if you do it.

Edited July 21, 2017 by Guest