shine7

Thank you for clarifying that. Good on you, Rimmer, for being willing to work on your problems/challenges. You have my prayers for your success. Live God's plan: it works. It seems so simple: prayers/scriptures? FHE? church? etc. Yet in that plan, God works His mighty miracles.

Me too, Rimmer. Seek the miracles for you, and your wife too if that will work. It is worth every pain/hardship you will both go through. If you both are willing to do the things God asks, He can turn this around for both of you. One thing here: I'm not sure if you both have decided it's just over or not as I have read over the posts?

Rimmer, this can most likely be fixed. It will not be easy. Your pornography choice must be stopped if not already done so: it does tend to make a person mean/meaner, and can drive the spouse into the arms of someone willing to 'love' them. My husband and I, mostly because of God's help, fixed our 'all but ruined' marriage. I will just tell you a bit about our journey, and hope some of it helps you and your wife. And I want to say how so very worth the struggles it is. Also, we did truly love each other.....that helped too, somehow we hadn't torn that love to complete shreds. First of all: both of us decided we would not give up on each other.....oh believe me, that was a hard decision. YOU have now seen/admitted many of your problems, and now it is your wife's turn to choose to give this a chance if that is healthy for her/kids. My Bishop knew what had gone on between my husband and me, and did not want me to agree to give our marriage a chance as he was very concerned for the way I had been treated. But I chose that if my husband was willing, I would go to counseling and give it a try. Our church counselor was amazing: he put my husband into individual counseling for post tramatic syndrome which was causing him a lot of hidden stress/anger. The counselor then told me he would work with me but only if I would give up my pent up anger: he said he could not help me if I let myself stay so angry. Then he also counseled both of us together. At home, we committed to consistent personal scriptures/prayer, couple scriptures/prayer, family scriptures/prayer, FHE, attending church regularly, fasting.....you know, all the things we are asked to do. IT WAS HARD. When one of us was upset, it took over 15 minutes on our knees just for us to be able to have couples prayer together....but we were committed to God, so we kept up what He asked of us.....not for each other at that point, but because we both loved God.....still it eventually helped us soften 'together'. Also, the counselor my husband went to, taught him to take 10 minutes to calm down if we were getting too upset with each other......and he came home and shared that idea with me......so we started saying: "I need 10 minutes time before we talk about this" and the one asking for the time would leave the room......this was also agreed upon ahead of time. This was a huge help for both of us. Our counselor taught us to not interupt when the other spouse was expressing a concern/feelings.....we had to practise this method with our counselor......it was not easy for either one of us, but as we got more patient with truly listening to the other person, it started helping us understand what the other spouse was feeling. We also had to learn the 'parroting' method you most likely know about......this was amazing!! It helped us gently explain when the other hadn't understood the message being conveyed. After almost 2 years, things started to turn around little by little. We built back our trust and built back good feelings for each other......mostly through prayer individually and together. We quit trying to change each other, and focused on changing ourself only. Miracles happened. We started to become best friends, sharing our feelings and we could talk for hours. My husband became the light of my life.....my hero. He truly cared about what bothered me. He became the man I dreamed of being married to. My husband started saying every day: "have I told you yet today that I love you?" Unbeknownst to us, after several months of doing sooo much better and feeling close once again: my husband died suddenly one day out of the blue. How can we ever thank God enough for helping us so when that awful day happened, we had love to cherish between us? Thank you Heavenly Father for saving our marriage so it can go into the eternities.

My first time in the temple was WAY overwhelming. I was getting married and was just 6 months out of high school. I was not well acquainted with scripture, though I did have faith in Christ. The garments were hard for me to adjust to also. I felt like I was getting too much information too many ways too fast. I had no idea what so much of it meant and no one explained stuff to me either. When I went years later with a dear friend that asked me to be with her, I decided if she wanted, I'd explain as we went along (even that can be hard to do as everything keeps at a steady pace). She had the good fortune of being older when she went and was well acquainted with scripture. I'd say just: please hang in there, go back often, pray for lots of help to understand and for patience to wait for each step of understanding to come to your soul slowly. Remember this: when we take the sacrament, we promise to be WILLING to take upon us the name of Christ. When we go to the temple, we ARE taking upon us His Name....becoming a part of His family. We are learning celestial laws so we can eventually live a celestial life with Heavenly Father and our Savior. Now years later, I love going to the temple....oh, I still don't understand a lot of it, but going there has been the place where I've received many dear/personal revelations, and answers to needed personal questions. I love serving my eternal sisters while there. I love the peace there. The more spiritual growth I have in my daily life, the more the temple means to me. I want to be there knowing Christ walks those halls. The more I go to the temple, the more I look forward to celestial life. Today at church, one of the high councilmen in his talk said: "going to the temple is like understanding Isaiah.....it has a lot of symbolism". Then I thought how Christ has told us to study Isaiah. I do know this: as we progress in our spiritual knowledge and testimony, God will be there to open up the next step and to open the eyes of our understanding......His mysteries are: spiritual knowledge......so He is going to be there to help us learn and to understand IF we will commit to hanging in there while we learn line upon line and precept upon precept.

I know what you mean about just feeling like crying and what you want for your friend. May I say that your example and sticking with your choices will be HUGE to him even if you don't know that or see it right now. The best thing you can do for him besides praying everyday for him, is that you are living close to Christ. My best friend from high school is now lesbian. I love her like my right foot.....she is a dear dear friend, we are so close. When she told me her choice, I said: Friend, I will always love you like a sister.....your choice will never change that ever......but please know that I personally will not agree with what you are doing. Nevertheless, you will always have my love and support as the dear friends we are. I can't change her mind for her, but she has since then, confided times when she wonders if her decision was based on possible sexual abuse from her dad.....I just listen, care, love.

slamjet, what you are doing is amazing......I may not know you, but as an eternal sibling, I couldn't be more happy for you!!! How awesome......coming back is truly the ultimate joy in God's amazing plan of salvation.....good on you mate!!!!!!!!

Tom Brokaw was wonderful and the entire broadcast was amazing/fitting. I felt so grateful to be able to hear it on the radio.

Want to add my thoughts: Being and staying virtuous clothes us in 'the robes of righteousness'. When we choose to break the law of chastity, we are then naked. Repentance will again clothe us. How would any of us feel if we must 'stand naked' because our chastity was ripped from us when we gave in to satan's wiles/temptations? Also, sexuality is more than of this world.......it is very very spiritual in nature; satan knows this and wishes to rob us of these high and lofty gifts/blessings, and then laughs at us when we are stripped of dignified clothing by giving in to temptation. ps......when I read The Miracle of Forgiveness the first time, it helped me want to be more repentant, it humbled me and I felt God's amazing grace that He gives us the gifts through Christ of repentance and forgiveness.

I like what Seminarysnoozer said. Just for input here.........about our first estate: my daughter's patriarchal blessing says that she finished her first estate perfectly.......

Although it is a sin, you are not a horrible person. Please use the guilt to help you repent if you slip up......don't let the guilt drive you slowly away from the Gospel. Yes, it is a touchy subject when you know how much you've struggled, but you desire to be pure......take that amazingly good desire to God in prayer always ......what you desire is important to God. I have found my desires are often way above my ability, so I talk to God about how weak I am but how much I desire the best. He will bless you with success no matter how long it seems to be taking. Never give up!! Satan only wins IF you give up. He pounds us in our weakest areas..... especially sexual things because our sexuality is part of our spirituality IMHO. You should be commended for your desires to be pure. Christ is the one that purifies us.....that is what His Atonement is all about.

I go to God in prayer when I need help changing my thoughts. He has the power, I do the asking.

We are asked to follow the prophet, and he/they have already given us the 'fences'. Think of the temple recommend questions......they are given to us not only for a recommend, but as a guideline for our own spiritual/temporal safety in making choices. When we get out of the areas covered in the recommend, I believe failure has begun it's pull on us. 'Keep the commandments', we are told by every prophet.....in this there is safety and peace. I believe we need to be strict with ourselves, even though this may come to pass over a great deal of time in working on one step at a time. Christ bridges a huge gap for each one of us......but we do need to be sincerely striving line upon line, here a little there a little. We need to align our hearts by focusing on Christ.

angel, you have the Holy Ghost to help you make your decision, this is what He does for us: ps.....you are an intelligent being, in the image of God........ “An intelligent being, in the image of God, possesses, every organ, attribute, sense, sympathy, affection, of will, wisdom, love, power and gift, which is possessed by God Himself. But these are possessed by man, in his rudimental state, in a subordinate sense of the word. Or, in other words, these attributes are in embryo, and are to be gradually developed. They resemble a bud, a germ, which gradually develops into bloom, and then, by progress, produces the mature fruit after its own kind. The gift of the Holy Spirit adapts itself to all these organs or attributes. It quickens all the intellectual faculties, increases, enlarges, expands and purifies all the natural passions and affections, and adapts them, by the gift of wisdom, to their lawful use. It inspires, develops, cultivates and matures all the fine toned sympathies, joys, tastes, kindred feelings and affections of our nature. It inspires virtue, kindness, goodness, tenderness, gentleness and charity. It develops beauty of person, form and features. It tends to health, vigor, animation and social feeling. It develops and invigorates all the faculties of the physical and intellectual man. It strengthens, invigorates and gives tone to the nerves. In short, it is, as it were, marrow to the bone, joy to the heart, light to the eyes, music to the ears, and life to the whole being. In the presence of such persons one feels to enjoy the light of their countenances, as the genial rays of a sunbeam. Their very atmosphere diffuse and thrill, a warm glow of pure gladness and sympathy, to the heart and nerves of others who have kindred feelings, or sympathy of spirit…” (Parley P. Pratt, p. 101-102 “Key to the Science of Theology”)

angel, you have the Holy Ghost, thus you are entitled to guidance from God as to what is right for you/your home. He gives us intelligence and help.

The best thing I learned about pornography from a friend who lost her husband to it was what her bishop told her: pornography and masturbation are forms of lust. Maybe that will help someone on this forum.

praying for you

kimzirker, This must be a huge shock for you, having invested years and life and body/soul into the marriage. YES, both of you go to the bishop immediately.....but if husband refuses; go yourself. Of course, there are most likely underlying reasons your husband chose to do something so disloyal.....but you don't know what yet. The challenge is that you are hurt and he may have underlying reasons that would cause him to do this. Be careful to not throw out a bunch of accusations right now. This situation most likely needs the help of a counselor for both of you to face it and to get through it together.

We have had 2 bishops in a row that don't think it is necessary to have much in the way of ward activities. Makes for a dull ward and we are NOT united at all. I have lived in close knit wards that spent time and activities together.....that was awesome!!

May I also bragg?? My kids have had many spiritual challenges in their lives. But they are very loved by their parents. Does this count, LOL?????

I have the same question: Am I wrong to suspect that you already have a specific second wife in mind? Also, have you already let your self imagine life with this second wife? If so, your loyalty to first wife is in great question IMHO, and your first wife, if you talk about all this to her, may feel very cheated of your love/loyalty.

It is common when someone dies, for us humans to idealize that person. It is not bad if the children know that Mom realizes their dad wasn't perfect. That can be done without badmouthing the deceased parent. Maybe your children wish you'd had a better marriage with their dad, and hope that eternity will give you that opportunity.

Dear antinephilehis, First of all, may I ask you 2 questions: who do you think is whispering to you that God doesn't love you??? Do you have to be doing everything right in order for Him to love you?? I am so sorry you are thinking of suicide. When I read your post, I thought that could be me typing it!! I have HUGE social anxiety and suffer from depression a lot; going to church is so totally not easy for me. Then of all things, I was called to teach Gospel Doctrine.....why on earth would God want me to do that????? He knows my emotional state and problems. But I decided to trust Him, though I did not get it at all. Some times I end up calling a substitute because I know I can't go and teach.....I'm just too much of a mess. Other times, I have to kneel and pray a 'hundred' times to be able to teach. Often, right before class I've had to go to the bathroom and again pray for God's help to get me through. The study has been a wonderful blessing, as I do have a true testimony of Christ. It's been a few months now and is not getting easier, but I try to flow with it, knowing my challenges. I think one person in my ward is aware of my huge challenges. But God knows me, and He's telling me: 'you can do this.....just strive as best you can.....that is all I ask of you" Well I also have wondered if I'll make it to the celestial kingdom. I decided to look up every scripture I could find on this.....basically if you are baptized and have a temple sealed marriage.....that is celestial law. Not that I don't still wonder, but I do qualify in these areas. When I study/pray every morning, I stay on my knees to hear/feel God answer me. One thing He says almost daily to me: NEVER GIVE UP, press on dear one. If not for HIM, I would not be able to press on. So please don't give up.....press on. You are LOVED by a wonderful Heavenly Father, you are precious to HIM. PRESS ON. I feel quite isolated, and don't have real friends in this ward I'm in (people are friendly, just don't include/invite me into their clicks; but I am used to being loved/accepted and I know what being accepted and included feels like, so I try to take this place/time as just a new experience). But, I do reach out and serve others. My R.S president does not know me well.........she has no idea how when she says I should be a R.S. pres. because I'm compassionate, that this is STRESSING me. You might wonder why I don't say more, but I have found that has backfired and causes me more anxiety......so my best source is going to the Lord for His help.....HE knows me.

Losthurtandconfused......so glad you were brave and shared here. I also had an awful childhood and have suffered from having unrealistic expectations for marriage and being happy. I also can not take criticism....my dad gave me enough of that for several lifetimes and I have a hard time feeling worthy to even breath at times. But....my husband also came from a difficult background. Double whammy!!!!! PLEASE.....go get counseling for YOU......whether or not she ever does. I deeply admire that you will not leave your marriage. My dh and I went through horrible times that completely affected our intimacy; and what kept us going was: couple prayer and scripture every morning, then family scripture/prayer daily, weekly FHE, church together. And finding ways to work together as a couple and family, such as our garden, yard, housework, etc. If he was in the garage and I couldn't help because of lack of knowledge, I'd take out lemonade and ask if I could hand him things or if he wanted space/time alone?? He pitched in with cooking voluntarily at times, or just started doing dishes after dinner. Over a period of many years, God truly blessed us: He softened us, helped us forgive. We ended up going to counseling together eventually, and that process also changed us. We were able to survive the horrible desert storm, thanks to God. I will never forget the day and where I was in our home, when my dh came to me in humility and a softened heart. I understand more now as to how my challenges were affecting his moods......for a long time I only understood how his challenges were affecting me and I was already bogged down with a ton of unsolved hurt and pain......a lot of that I was not aware of at the time. We both learned that as we got help to change ourself, it affected our relationship with each other. We learned that good sex for me as wife started way before getting to the bedroom......and took patience on dh part....but so so so worth it!! After all these years, I'm still very attracted to my dh. We love each other more now, and understand one another way more. We are still growing as a couple; much ahead to work out. So many layers of healing in this life!! Your wife is extra sensitive for reasons........keep being patient without pushing.....I know.....I'm asking you to be a miracle worker! Do not keep going on without some help for yourself, dear man.....the fact that you came on here is indeed evidence that you are at the end of your rope and tying knot after knot to hang on. When you get counseling, you may wonder why you waited so long!! Yes, you are right.....intimacy is not just sex, but often includes it. Also.....intimacy and what I call real sex is eternally based (why I think satan works so hard to cheapen it). When we die, that pull of love/sex/intimacy will not end, for it is spiritually based.

Your bishop can know and help without your parents knowing......he is under obligation to keep sacred what you tell him.

Me and my husband are a second marriage and some of our kids have varying degrees of acceptance towards us being together. It is NOT easy, but we finally found ways to work with this.....not what we both wanted or hoped for.....but at least it works. I sat my kids down before we married and told them: I don't care if you like my choice or not, but you WILL be kind to him no matter what because I love him. That helped tons. Now they all adore and respect him.