bigcreek

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  1. Like
    bigcreek reacted to Lost Boy in Giving up on marriage   
    I think I had situation that I can relate to and maybe give you one guys experience.
    When we first got married we had a lot of sex.  Now I didn't just get married so I can have sex.  There was so many things that drew me to her, fun, adventurous, hard working, frugal in many ways, but willing to spend on important stuff, etc. 
    But then she got pregnant.  Sex life was gone.  Sucked not being able to have sex with her.  but I figured after the baby things would return.  The good sex life did return to some degree.  And then came more kids.
    After the 4th the sex life didn't return.  As a guy that was frustrating as can be.  I still loved her, but that part of the relationship was gone.  I felt like she was neglecting me.  I turned to video games.  I need some release to my stress and I wasn't getting it through sex.  I certainly wasn't smart enough to find another way.  Things certainly weren't happy.  I would express my desire to have sex and she would feed me some line.  I got tired of it.  There was no point in asking any more so I just gave up.  I loved her and never wanted to be mean or hurt her, but I felt neglected.
    I would come home from work and the first thing I would get is not a kiss or a hug, but a wife that either wanted to tell me how bad her day was or nag me about something I did wrong or didn't do or forgot or something else.  I didn't want to deal with that.  I did just as much work as she did, maybe even more.  So I would just shut down and go play video games and she would go to the bedroom.  I tried following a few times hoping for loving, but the loving never happened.  We were in a love death spiral.  she would love me a little less, I would love her a little less.  not good at all.
    Looking back on that time in my life, I could have handled things so much better.  She could have handled things so much better.
    What I have since learned is that love is not just a feeling.  Being in love can be far different than loving.  Love is a choice and it is an action.
    You did not marry the perfect guy.  He did not marry the perfect woman.  My guess is that you are not the fun you that he married and he is not the guy that you married.  
    Video games are a form of release.   It is a way to get away from your problems.  And it is certainly an addiction as well.  I dare bet that when he started he was feeling a lot of stress either from you or from new responsibility or work or some place.  And playing video games helps you escaped that stress.  This doesn't mean it is good to play video games, it just is explaining a major reason why.
    So what got us out of our love death spiral?  It was mostly me.  I am not trying to pat myself on the shoulder.  It was me that helped get us into it.  I am telling you because the healing has to start from someone.  And let me tell you.  it sucks.  I decided I would change myself into the person I thought my wife would want to be married to.  Here are the things I did.
    1) I made a chart of 8 things I would do to improve myself.  They included things to improve me physically, spiritually and capability to love. And I would daily check those things off as I did them.  And here they are
    2) Pray
    3) read the scriptures
    4) stay on my new diet and reduce my weight
    5) walk the dog in the morning.
    6) walk the dog at night
    7) Do at least a half hour of house work more than I usually did.
    😎 Find a sincere compliment to pay her every day.
    9) Find something kind to do for her every day.
    10) -- this isn't part of my list, but I gave up video games...  Or at least the addiction to them.  I play from time to time like once every couple of weeks and only for a couple of hours.  Before it was every night for 2-4 hours a night.  refocusing on what is important get me off of them.
    I didn't tell her I was doing this.  I figured the only way to fix this situation was to win her heart back.  I knew it was going to be hard.  I knew she would not respond at first.  I made up my mind to give it a year.  And after a year, if things weren't better, I could say that I put in a very sincere effort.  The first month wasn't too hard, but by month 4, I had put in a lot of effort without much in return.  I told myself not to expect anything in return and to just keep with the program and do so with the most loving attitude I could.  It was very much not easy.  however, in month 4 things started to change. 
    I am an engineer and like to know that if I put A into a box, that I will get B out.  not C or D, but B.  If I want C or D, I would put something different in there.  But relationships aren't like that.  you aren't guaranteed that if you put A into the box you will get B out.  it could be M or P.   I had to commit to patience. I had to commit to controlling my anger.  When something went wrong and I got angry, I had to squish that emotion and approach the situation from perspective as devoid of emotion as possible.  No more yelling, no more negative actions.  When she would get mad at me for doing something, I would stay calm and say, I am sorry and I am trying my best.  And that really calmed things down.
    Where are we today?  I look forward to seeing her every day.  She hugs me and kisses me every morning and night and when I am lucky a few times in between.  Is there still tension?  Not often and it gets dealt with quickly.  Are things perfect?  No.  I am still working on me and improving me.  I still daily look for ways to love my wife.  She treats me so much better.  We talk a lot more, go on dates, have romance, etc.
    Learn to communicate in a loving way.  Don't be accusatory towards him....  You always. blah blah blah.  Yes, he probably is that.  but you pointing that out is not going to help you one bit.  It is part of a love death spiral.  You are putting yourself in a position of superiority over him.  You certainly would not like him to do that to you.  Loving communication is not hard to do, but not natural either.  You being mad at him and letting him know that you are mad isn't going to help you either.  I know, I was there.  My wife would get quite upset with me, but I didn't care.  I had nothing to lose if she got mad at me.  She could not use the you aren't getting any sex tool.  She had worn that out long ago and I didn't care.  So her getting mad had no effect.  
    So what do you do?  I had a good idea of what was missing in my wife's life.  And so I have tried my best to do that for her.  Turn me into the person she would want to spend time with.  I understood that our problems were not just me, but were her as well, but I can only fix me.  You can only fix you.  You can't fix you with the thought that he has to fix himself if you fix you.  You have to take his actions out of the equation.  You fix you regardless of what his response is.
    Treat him with kindness.  You think that you should get kindness in return for being kind to him.  Think otherwise.  Don't do this with expectations from him.  You do it out of love and because that is what Christ would do.  I have as my theme song "I'm trying to be like Jesus"  I don't know how many times I have listened to that song.  I cried a lot but it helped.
    You are going to have to figure out how he likes to be loved and then love him.  You can take an online test about the 5 love languages to help you out.  It isn't the end all be all, but it certainly helps.  If sex is a difficulty for you, you may need to learn some other ways to help him out.  Be forgiving and patient.  This is going to take time and it won't be easy.  Love is not 50/50.  Jesus loves you regardless, he would show you kindness and forgiveness.  He would be patient and gentle.   These are things that heal relationships.
    There are not guarantees. arm yourself with love and you have a fighting chance.
    Good luck.
  2. Like
    bigcreek got a reaction from Sunday21 in Asked not to wear pants to church   
    There was a lady sitting in front of me in sacrament today wearing a tank top and blue jeans. Nobody cared one bit about what she wore. They are just happy to see her come to church.
  3. Like
    bigcreek reacted to Returninghome in Conversion Stories   
    I am a convert I grew up in a very religious family (not LDS) and was told that the LDS church was a cult my entire life.  I never looked into the mormon church as a kid because of this.  I met my (now) husband who was baptized at 8 but that was the extent of his church going when I was 18.  His best friend and wife (who became my best friends) are LDS and always led by example but never pushed the church on either of us.  I saw them, their family, their lives and how they were still able to be themselves while in the church.  I was encouraged by their example.  They invited us to go to a temple open house with them.  While in the temple I had an undeniable feeling that I needed to come back to the temple again- that I WOULD come back into the temple again to be sealed to my family (at the time my husband was my boyfriend or maybe my fiance I can't recall).  I read the Book of Mormon and prayed for guidance.  I knew it was where I was supposed to be.  I had feelings in the temple and while reading the BofM that I had sought after my whole life.  My husband had similar feelings in the temple and had read the Book of Mormon on a whim the week before (he completed it in one day).  My husband and I were married, a month later I was baptized, 9 months after that we had a sweet baby boy and a year after my baptism we were sealed with our little baby for time and all eternity.  Since then the path has been ANYTHING but easy.  We have been tempted and tattered to the bone.  We were on the brink of divorce and both made some pretty devastating choices.  But we always come back to the gospel.  We always know without a doubt that it is the glue that will hold our family together through the eternities.  The journey hasn't been easy but it has been worth every moment.  I know this church is true.  I know that it is really the only thing that has saved my life, my husbands life and our life together.  
  4. Like
    bigcreek got a reaction from pwrfrk in Setting aside the church to keep a career?   
    I am an inactive active member if that makes any sense. I don't go to church much because I am always working at the railroad and have for 17 years. Every other word it seems is the F bomb around here. I used to never miss reading my scriptures daily or praying. Working at the railroad riding trains around 24/7 I stopped reading every day and made it every other day then that led to once a week then once every couple weeks then once a month until I stopped completely and pretty much didn't read my scriptures or pray much for that matter for several years. I rarely went to church. Some years I literally made it to church maybe 3 or 4 times if that because my shift covered Sunday. I read the BOM cover to cover 18 times before I went on my mission then zero times cover to cover after I got back. For a couple/few years I read quite well just not necessarily start to finish. But as life happened and I worked all the time it slowly shipped away as my fortitude gave out and I slowly started giving into certain vises. Such as I never would have in a million years bought something on the Sabbath day, now I do it without batting an eye. Being away from home at another terminal on the railroad got me into that. I could have worked around it with a little better planning but I didn't. Now I don't mind buying something on a Sunday even when I don't have to. Or doing an activity on a Sunday. I never would have hunted on a Sunday, now I don't mind. Also I never ever said a cuss word all the way until I was probably 24 or 25. Now I swear a lot. I am doing better on that though. When I was younger I remember looking ahead and thinking I would continually improve as I progressed through life and got older but man o man it did not pan out that way for me at all but quite the opposite. No ones fault but my own. I have fallen a long ways but such is life I suppose. Just have to keep pushing forward. The crummy part is I have lost a lot of desire to do some of those things such as scripture reading and going to church and praying. It is drudgery to me now. I do enjoy attending church though because I like to BS with everyone. I have seen this same thing happen to a friend of mine, his story is almost a mirror image of mine. Grew up staunch and now he cusses like a sailor and has a few vises he developed post mission. His work is in the steel industry and coarse language and such is the same their as it is at the railroad. Carry on!
  5. Like
    bigcreek got a reaction from pwrfrk in Setting aside the church to keep a career?   
    I am an inactive active member if that makes any sense. I don't go to church much because I am always working at the railroad and have for 17 years. Every other word it seems is the F bomb around here. I used to never miss reading my scriptures daily or praying. Working at the railroad riding trains around 24/7 I stopped reading every day and made it every other day then that led to once a week then once every couple weeks then once a month until I stopped completely and pretty much didn't read my scriptures or pray much for that matter for several years. I rarely went to church. Some years I literally made it to church maybe 3 or 4 times if that because my shift covered Sunday. I read the BOM cover to cover 18 times before I went on my mission then zero times cover to cover after I got back. For a couple/few years I read quite well just not necessarily start to finish. But as life happened and I worked all the time it slowly shipped away as my fortitude gave out and I slowly started giving into certain vises. Such as I never would have in a million years bought something on the Sabbath day, now I do it without batting an eye. Being away from home at another terminal on the railroad got me into that. I could have worked around it with a little better planning but I didn't. Now I don't mind buying something on a Sunday even when I don't have to. Or doing an activity on a Sunday. I never would have hunted on a Sunday, now I don't mind. Also I never ever said a cuss word all the way until I was probably 24 or 25. Now I swear a lot. I am doing better on that though. When I was younger I remember looking ahead and thinking I would continually improve as I progressed through life and got older but man o man it did not pan out that way for me at all but quite the opposite. No ones fault but my own. I have fallen a long ways but such is life I suppose. Just have to keep pushing forward. The crummy part is I have lost a lot of desire to do some of those things such as scripture reading and going to church and praying. It is drudgery to me now. I do enjoy attending church though because I like to BS with everyone. I have seen this same thing happen to a friend of mine, his story is almost a mirror image of mine. Grew up staunch and now he cusses like a sailor and has a few vises he developed post mission. His work is in the steel industry and coarse language and such is the same their as it is at the railroad. Carry on!
  6. Like
    bigcreek reacted to Sunday21 in Returning to church activity - anxiousness   
    @KScience Very pleased that you are here! 
    I returned to church after decades away. 
    I had the same anxieties so I hear you.
    Here is an approach:
    1) Go about 15 minutes early. Enter foyer. Smile at someone. They may approach to shake your hand. You say, ‘I am Sister X, I am new in your ward. ‘
    Keep attending. Eventually, may be in a week or several months, the records clerk will approach you and ask the location of your last ward. You tell him but don’t bother with the history, just give the location. They will send away for your records. Some months later. Six months in my case, you may get an interview with the bishop. He will warmly welcome you to the ward and apologize for not meeting you sooner. If you want, you can tell him your story or you can just say ‘I’ve been inactive for a bit’ and leave it at that.
    Number One: The bishop and others will be thrillled to have you back. It is highly unlikely that anyone will ask your history. If they do, you can just smile and say ‘New in the ward’. My guess is that the UK is a lot like Canada, low lds density. Thus, everyone will be delighted to see you. Remember the lds church has lost a ton of people including bishops and relief society presidents. A lot of our friends are less active.
    it will be a lot easier than you think! 
    If you don’t like this approach, we can be more creative! Let us walk you through this! 
  7. Like
    bigcreek got a reaction from tjutah2016 in Understand Promptings when it comes to Dating   
    As for me I did pray a lot to find out and never got an answer either way so said to myself well she is an amazing girl so I'm going for it answer or not and weve been hitched over 18 years now. I think there is a lot to be said that if a couple is willing to put in effort then any marriage can work. Although on the other hand I also believe certain people are much, much more compatible and hence they would be much happier together than they would be with certain others even though they could have made a marriage "work" with someone else.
  8. Like
    bigcreek reacted to pam in Water to become HUGE issue   
    Nothing like bringing up something from almost 5 years ago. 
  9. Like
    bigcreek reacted to mrmarklin in Water to become HUGE issue   
    SLC IS IN THE MIDDLE OF A DESERT. This is not news. 😎
  10. Like
    bigcreek reacted to anatess2 in ‘Boy Scout’ Policy Requires Condoms to be ‘Readily and Easily Accessible to All Participants’ at World Jamboree Scouting Event   
    The fact that we're wondering if this is real or fake rather than dismissing it out of hand for its ridiculousness is already telling of how far the BSA has gone down the sewage pipe.
  11. Like
    bigcreek reacted to Just_A_Guy in Handicap Parking   
    Getting into a fight over parking spaces is one of those situations where the best possible outcome entails you “winning” and walking away while a guy who now hates your guts is standing next to your shiny, unattended vehicle with a set of sharp keys in his hand.  
  12. Like
    bigcreek reacted to Lost Boy in Handicap Parking   
    After watching their spat, I am pretty sure I saw their handicap.   Oh, dang...  I judged again.  Yeah, I guess I am a bit of a jerk when I see people taking advantage of others.
  13. Like
    bigcreek got a reaction from Sunday21 in What gospel knowledge makes you joyful? What should?   
    What brings me joy is the knowledge that I will see family again after this life. I believe I will also see again my favorite animals for they will be resurrected to. There are a couple cows and dogs I would love to see again. (:  But to be reunited with my family will be the greatest thing ever.
  14. Like
    bigcreek got a reaction from Sunday21 in What gospel knowledge makes you joyful? What should?   
    What brings me joy is the knowledge that I will see family again after this life. I believe I will also see again my favorite animals for they will be resurrected to. There are a couple cows and dogs I would love to see again. (:  But to be reunited with my family will be the greatest thing ever.
  15. Like
    bigcreek got a reaction from Sunday21 in What gospel knowledge makes you joyful? What should?   
    What brings me joy is the knowledge that I will see family again after this life. I believe I will also see again my favorite animals for they will be resurrected to. There are a couple cows and dogs I would love to see again. (:  But to be reunited with my family will be the greatest thing ever.
  16. Like
    bigcreek reacted to The Folk Prophet in Inquiry: LDS Couples and Surrogates   
    I'll run the idea past my wife...but......
  17. Like
    bigcreek got a reaction from Just_A_Guy in When Does Homeschooling Fail?   
    I was home schooled from 6th grade on up through 12th. I scored higher than average on the ACT and SAT exams although I am far from a brain. My older brother was also home schooled and went on to become a physics professor at a university although he did just leave that job for Ratheon Corp. doing missile modeling or something along those lines. There were 8 kids in the family. Two I would call somewhat socially inept. Everyone else is perfectly normal including of course yours truly. (:  There were a lot of things I missed out on by not attending public school such as sports and shop classes and such that I would have enjoyed. I did rodeo, for one because I enjoyed it and would have done it anyway, but also because there was no other sport I could play! At that time home schoolers were scorned in our area of southwestern Idaho and were not allowed to participate in sports. My home ward was divided on the issue and it got to the point where the stake president got up at the beginning of sacrament meeting and chastised the anti home schooler's and told them to cool it. I had a lot of friends I did stuff with. One thing I did like about being home schooled is I could work hard and get my school work done and go hunting all the time or to a roping or wherever while everyone else was still in school. That was nice. Would I home school my kids? No. Why? Because neither my wife nor I have the mindset or whatever you want to call it to do it. And we have good schools were we are so the pressure perhaps isn't as great. Homeschooling works better for some than others, that is all there is to it.
  18. Like
    bigcreek got a reaction from Just_A_Guy in When Does Homeschooling Fail?   
    I was home schooled from 6th grade on up through 12th. I scored higher than average on the ACT and SAT exams although I am far from a brain. My older brother was also home schooled and went on to become a physics professor at a university although he did just leave that job for Ratheon Corp. doing missile modeling or something along those lines. There were 8 kids in the family. Two I would call somewhat socially inept. Everyone else is perfectly normal including of course yours truly. (:  There were a lot of things I missed out on by not attending public school such as sports and shop classes and such that I would have enjoyed. I did rodeo, for one because I enjoyed it and would have done it anyway, but also because there was no other sport I could play! At that time home schoolers were scorned in our area of southwestern Idaho and were not allowed to participate in sports. My home ward was divided on the issue and it got to the point where the stake president got up at the beginning of sacrament meeting and chastised the anti home schooler's and told them to cool it. I had a lot of friends I did stuff with. One thing I did like about being home schooled is I could work hard and get my school work done and go hunting all the time or to a roping or wherever while everyone else was still in school. That was nice. Would I home school my kids? No. Why? Because neither my wife nor I have the mindset or whatever you want to call it to do it. And we have good schools were we are so the pressure perhaps isn't as great. Homeschooling works better for some than others, that is all there is to it.
  19. Like
    bigcreek reacted to zil in Ear Piercing   
    Have you told your wife this?  Are you waiting for her husband to die off?
    (Isn't English grand?)
  20. Like
    bigcreek reacted to Fether in Ear Piercing   
    These women don’t seem to care
     
     


  21. Thanks
    bigcreek got a reaction from MollyMormon in Always good, want to be bad   
    You know I can relate as well. It was just a few weeks ago I told my wife I have a small nagging desire to try alcohol. I wont of course but the desire to try it is there. I was a rebel up until the age of 10. Smoked when I was 8 and 9, burned stuff up, went to jail at age 10 and that is when I swore I would never do anything bad again for the rest of my life. And I didn't for the most part. I never said cuss words, never drank, etc. My grandpa and I were very close and team roped a lot together and he was always trying to get me to drink but I didn't. We would go to a rodeo together and I was always the designated driver. He would try to get me to drink but of course I wouldn't so he would get drunk and Id drive us and the horses home. I went to Ricks College with my parents to drop my older brother off there and thought that place looked like the awesomest place on earth and swore I would go there after my mission. And that was the plan but after I got home from my mission I happened to meet the perfect girl and we went to Ricks College/BYU-I together as a married couple. It was great but my original ideas for wanting to go there so badly was because of all the beautiful ladies I saw prior to going on my mission. LOL. My wife is georgeous (spelling?) and I am very thankful for her. Been married 18 years now. But I to have had the desires to try some things Ive not tried before. Drink some fine wine, smoke a cigar, sounds fun even thinking about it  now, but no way in heck would I give up what I have to chase something stupid like that. I don't know why I have any desire at all to try those things but I wont because I know it definitely isn't worth it. Well good luck Molly Mormon. I wont be giving in and hope you don't either
  22. Like
    bigcreek got a reaction from mirkwood in What’s the last movie you watched?   
    American Sniper. First movie Ive seen in the theater in a long time. It was very good.
     
  23. Like
    bigcreek got a reaction from Bini in How did you meet your significant other?   
    I was in a singles ward and gave a talk in sacrament mtg. A couple weeks later some friends and I were out late at Dennys restaurant on a weekend when some girls walked in and started talking to us. One asked me if I would go on a blind date with her sister because she had seen me in the ward. I said heck yes because I was always up for stuff like that. Well we met up for our triple date with some other couples and as she was playing mini golf at the place we were at I looked at her and thought my goodness she will make someone a wonderful wife. I thought to myself that she is the most beautiful lady I have ever seen in my life. Little did I know. I am so, so lucky. That was 15 years ago now. I always tell her the main reason I married her is because her dad owns a huge ranch that has awesome hunting on it. She of course knows I am kidding. Well sort of.. just kidding.