believingisachoice

I was thinking to myself why any woman would try to work our a relationship with an ex fiancee who cheated? Must live in Utah were the gender ratio is 1:3. Honey, read the writing on the wall. If you end up with this guy, any and all really stupid infidelity decisions he may make shouldn't be a surprise.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope you find peace.

We might leave you, but you that is the cause and effect principle resulting from your choice. However, you made things much worse by not telling the complete truth upfront. Now, when your consciousness eventually gives in and you do tell him the compete truth, he will think about every intimate and good moment since you told him that half truth and think about how you lied to him again. Many people will say get therapy, etc. but ultimately the final answer is he deserves to know what happened. If he had done what you did would you not want the same? Either way whether he decides to leave or stay you can still have a happy life after divorce or again in marriage. But that choice isn't up to you.

Hey man a lot of people on this website want you to emotional undress per say and find your mote in your eye. Don't let them. If what you said is true and your wife's behavior is such that is devastating. Honestly, I don't know why guys put up with so much abuse. Stand up for yourself.

Problem #1: You moved to Utah No, it's a good place I served their on my mission, but it's a special place too... I do not believe it is laziness that you have not been going to church as much as you are emotionally hurt. The people there did not treat you well, and honestly I do not blame your apathetic attitude toward attending a ward where it is "discuss my infertility time." Geez... Bishops normally want to see 6 months of tithing paid consecutively before reissuing a TR. Perhaps you can attend a different ward? Good luck.

I could write a dissertation on this but...youth leaders can encourage parents to love their children and give them the emotional attention they need. Youth leaders can also stand up for the victims. I witnessed a bully situation but watch to see what the normal teacher would do. Nothing. So sad. We had 3 YW go inactive because of bullying. It seems to be a particular challenge with girls more than boys in my experience.

Marie, go talk to your bishop like the others have said. But more importantly, change your friends. Find better company and you will be just fine.

My sister just met a RM (they're young) like a month ago, and apparently they are going to get engaged soon. They meet on LDSsingles I think. He lived like an hour away though so not far. It does work.

"Addiction" is a very subjective word. I'm under 30 and of the internet age, and I had 20 close Mormon friends in high school and all but 2 had viewed porn multiple times--to what extent we didn't go into, but it was more than once or twice by everyone's admission. This experience occurred when we went camping for our priest activity, and one of our advisers shared a fireside how he had a porn issue when he was in high school and encouraged us help each other if we struggled. The experience turned into one of those "yeah me too..." experiences, and it was quite powerful actually. And now, having been a counselor for men with the addiction, most struggle their entire lives sadly. Because many people have unhappy lives, and porn is the result of unhappiness and a unbalanced life. You're correct 90% of men do NOT currently have (present tense) porn addictions, but had (past tense) sometime in the life an addiction--which is what I said. Which simply means that they indulged in behavior that they originally intended not to. For some men, porn ruins their life in every way. Some are functioning addicts. But most are past indulgences or flings.

So many men had porn addictions, especially in their teenage years--sad to say. And I mean like 90% or higher. Young women wouldn't have anyone to marry if they tried to find guys who had not watched porn at some point in their adolescence. I would not disclose your past porn struggles to your girlfriend on the first several dates, but also not after you became engaged or starting use the "I love you's". If you tell her too soon, she might get scared off, in that case oh well her loss and you saved yourself time and money. If you tell her to late after you are already "in love" and wanting to get married and then after telling her she walks away from the relationship, then you will be very hurt, heartbroken, and question your self worth and also question if you were truly forgiven by the Lord. Girls who deny the power of the atonement in your life are not worth courting. Let them find Mr. Perfect, but not on your dime. Never spend money on another man's wife. Good luck and stay strong.

First I'm sorry this is happening to you. Second, your wife is questioning everything when her parents get a divorce. Divorce is detrimental even to adult children. I.e. "Mom, how can you tell me what is good or bad seeing that you married the wrong man, and were making major life mistakes into your 30's or 40's?" Hang in there, many times there type of situations take years of independent study by the individual to sort out. It is okay for her to do that. Just try and keep the marriage and family together. God will work a miracle.

I remember my experience finding out the hat, rock, tresure hunting, etc. but I didn't throw in the towel. However I did have the thought that this all may indeed be a lie. However I kept studying and used FairLDS for some help on some questions. My testimony came out stronger afterwards, but it took a year of independant study to secure my concerns. I believe that is why the church recently put out those "Gospel topics", which is a good first step. Hang in there there are anwsers to your questions.

One natural right every person has is the right of association. You can associate with whomever you choose. Imagine a government using coercion to force you to associate with people you very much disliked. Apart of that right is to be able to disassociate yourself from anyone you'd like. I don't know enough about Australia to comment on that country however in the U.S. there is a "gay mafia" and they literally will destroy you if you try to resist their agenda. They use the power of the state and coercion to further their ends.

Disfellowshipment is close to excommunication and in the book The Miracle of Forgiveness former President of the Church Spencer Kimball couples them with each other frequently. Disfellowshiped members’ cannot partake of the sacrament, hold a calling, be a home or visiting teacher, say "public" prayers, go to the temple, or exercise the priesthood. Just about all activity is suspended until further notice EXCEPT you can bear your testimony at church and may continue to wear garments if authorized. Since I was once disfellowshipped before I was married and I know how hard it can be. Mine lasted two years. Some last a lot longer, some shorter, but never usually less than a year. However, it is not a situation to be desired. Priesthood leaders pray about if the individual should be disfellowshipped and for how long. If the behavior changes the individual is restored to full fellowship. If you held the Melchizedek priesthood your Stake President handles the situation. On your church record it does show that you are disfellowshipped, and your leaders are notified most of the time, so as to avoid asking them to say a prayer in class when they cannot. My Elders Quorum President knew I was disfellowshipped and he was a great guy and didn't treat me any different. The general congregation does not know about your disfellowshipment, only certain leaders within the ward on a need-to-know basis. Disfellowshipment is considered a blessing and an opportunity to repent--or turn away from the sin and to be cleansed by the atoning blood of our Lord Jesus Christ. Interesting note, when I was disfellowshipped I asked by Stake President if I died--while being disfellowshipped--would I go to Spirit Prison or Paradise? He became very quiet and said that I would go to Spirit Prison because the sin had not yet been forgiven or resolved. I was very careful in traffic for those next two years in particular. Since my time, I know and have known of many young single adults who are now married who probably should have been disfellowshipped before they were married like I was however they were not because, no one reported their conduct and they did not confess to leadership. However, they will at some point account for their penalties in this life or the next. Disfellowshipment may affect your future capacity to hold high callings in the church. I am not for certain on this point, however generally you will not be called as a Bishop or Stake President if you have been previously disfellowshipped. You may be called as a counselor, but not into the position. Then again I thought you could not be called as a Bishop if you were divorce yet our ward has a Bishop that is divorced. The point being when being interviewed for very prominent callings more stringent questioning is given. Disfellowshipment would be MUCH more common if people confessed their sins, instead of concealing them. Nothing is hidden from the Lord, but may be from his servants. I hope this information helps. God bless you.

Hey I'm 28 too! Been married about the same amount of time. And all I got to say is while I have some empathetic points I will make, if my wife would have told me after our sealing in the temple that she did not love me... Sister your lucky you lasted that long with him. Of course he is going to be tempted by porn if you are never having sex. He sees all these attractive girls all the day long and even is married to one that sleeps in his bed but he can't get a dopamine and adrenaline spike from sex. At least you did not have kids. You see my dear the most misunderstood benefit about adrenaline is that it is the "bonding chemical". Much like when newborns and mother breast feed, adrenaline follows through the brains of baby and mother forming deeper emotional and spiritual bonds. If mother and baby never do that their bond is not as strong. There is a bunch of science you could read about that but basically he never "establish that bond" with you while in your marriage infancy. Hence his brain offers the counterfit and tells him, "Oh you're anxious because your wife has no libedo and you need a dopamine spike? Well I know what can solve that...[scanning]...porn." I'm not justifying his sin, nonetheless it is a natural response in such a situation to release anxiety, which he reverted to from his earlier childhood expierience, because before your sexual relationship with him the only other one he knew was porn--or other women if he was promiscuous. Choices have consequences. If my mother thought meat and protein where harmful to my health when I was a child and never feed me properly, and now I am consequently 4 inches shorter than what I could have been, can she be sorry? I may forgive her, but there is no way for me to regain those lost 4 inches. Just like with you, you may regret the first year but perhaps permanent harm was done. And you must live with the consequences. The only reason it lasted 5 whole years is because you had developed a "functioning marriage"--division of labor, ease of finance, companionship preferable to loneliness, etc. But everytime you got to the deepest level of communication--validation--all sincere attempts were squashed from past trauma. Could he have gotten over it and forgave you and you had to go on living a happy marriage? Yes, perhaps he could have reconciled those feelings. But did that happen? No. Bottom line is that when you were married you had some issues--lack of empathy. Ohh the risks of getting married before your prefrontal cortex is fully functioning (24 for women, 25 for men)...I've been there. He is gone. The first women that meets him on a healthy validating conversation he will gravitate too--which probabaly has already happened. I empathize with you. There was a time in my life when I lacked self knowledge and empathy and hurt people I loved and she left me (before marriage). Like you, I felt like a monster. So when she left she was justified and I knew it. It was the natural consequence of my behavior. Where do you go from here? Inward. Toward Christ. I testify he can bind up emotional wounds, he has for me. You need more empathy and self knowledge to make sure the result is different next time. But for your ex-husband. Girl 'he gone'. Good luck.

Nuero typicals response is spot on about divorce statistics. There are other statistics which to me are worse about future boyfriends and step dads that end up abusing daughters--which is even scarier. Biggest red flag to me is that he "faked" having a testimony for your entire marriage. Such a lack of empathy is a MAJOR concern. Not disclosing to you his lack of faith was cowardice. He has a major lack of self knowledge. But apprently you bought it hook line & sinker, having kid(s) more than one and being married under 5 years it was full steam ahead. Your marriage may be salvage, but family life will never be the same now your children find out that "Daddy doesn't go to church or believe in HF". Also remarriage to a top tier guy would be less likely because most top tier guys are already married and that fact you have several children doesn't help--but not always. Life is about momentum. His momentum is going out of the church and giving up on standards (WoW perhaps?). It's going to get worse before it ever gets better. If you're young enough and in a position to divorce I would start at least preparing for that reality. I'm truly sorry. You deserve a healthy and happy marriage, and hopefully our husband sees that.

You're clearly a white knight and proposing to a young man to neglect his needs is outright irresponsible. And your agruement makes no logical sense. Is his spouse right if she starts physically abusing him? I guess she is ALWAYS right by your logic. This type of self determentialism is exactly why we have so many trolls on these threads. And your comment about millenials is asinine. The US has been at war for 14 years and been economically changelle since 2008, so 7 years. Just go back to your cave.

Wonderkid, I'm sorry you are going through this. Here's my opinoin. Obviuosly having a fight and throwing the ring back in your face is not good. But what is worse is that you were trying to do the right thing by being honest and open with her about a struggle you faced (pornography, word of wisdom, depression, etc.) and she got upset and weaponized your vulerable moment to control you. When you tried to assert yourself when you told her "that you didn't trust her anymore" she knew you were a white-knight and said "Well I can't marry anyone that doesn't trust me" (although that is a good point) however she going right to the juggular with the ultimatium, she knew, he would come crawling back. That was probably not the first time you did either if I had to guess. "I married her because she made me feel special." Translation: I married her because she paid attention to me and gave me dophamin spikes daily. Falling in love is the easy part Kid, but staying in love is what seperates the men from the boys in relationships. If you know that you cannot be happy with her no need to dragging it on. Best advice would be, be honest and vulerable with her and if she trashes you and degrades you for being hoenst and vulerable know that you have someone that struggles with empathy. And empathy is the living waters that couples absolutely need to go to time and time again in a successful marriage. Good luck.

Try harder. You need to make sacrafice at this point in your life Matt. Most of the top tier women are taken already, thus your search is expontentially harder. Move to Utah or Idaho and you"ll find a wife. At 31 you should open your mind to marry a divorce mom with perhaps a child or two. Many top tier women married selfish men in their early and mid 20's and became divorced so there are many extradorinary divorced women available. You just need to decided if you're open to dating a single mom. Warning> dating single moms has its risks, but life is about taking certain risks. May the odds be ever in your favor.

I've never been divorced and am happily married as of almost 5 years. Self knowledge and having the Spirit with you are the biggest factors, in my opinion. Persons that possess self knowledge do not lead on, manipulate or denigrate people they love. Many people have little to no self knowledge, those many divorce. My wife knows my strengths and weakeness, and I know hers. Witholding salient information while dating (porn addition, promiscuity in teenage years, faith issues, honesty) and then finding out later in marriage of these past behaviors is the height of lack of self knowledge and empathy.

Good question Litzy. I would ask your children what they think, particularly if they still live with you. I assume you're not remarried, as no indication was given the in original post. If you kids live with you having their biological father would be a big plus for thier development. I would however observe to see if he is active right now in his own seperate ward and ask him questions that would measure his empathy. He leaving the family and children is a huge sign of lack of empahy and that would be the biggest constraint. I had a guy decision from my keyboard I would say no, but there are so many factors that are unknown. Two years of hime being alone he problem misses your conviences (sex, what you did for him, division of labor, tired of paying alimony) more than the religion. Good luck.

Some men need more spontaneouity in their life than others. Most therapist when asking adulterers about the "Why?" they did it receive a "it just makes me feel so alive." We get it meeting a cute new girl is pretty exciting--oops your married. Yeah the best thing you can do is when you recongize you have feelings for a women to distance yourself immedaitely. Like when I moved into a new ward and this other women greeted me and showed all the signs of being a bit too interested. I told me wife that we need to just avoid her if at all possible. I wouldn't tell the Bishop yet, but I would tell my wife. Simply fair to say you would want to know if she kissed another man right? You involving yourself with another women shows lack of empathy and connection with your wife, which is the true problem. You"ll be fine, just learn from your mistake.

J, your husband is one of many who has been a spiritual viticim to sophist arguements of atheist. I know it's hard to see the good in all this, but al least you do not have children yet. Because it is infidently worse if the children see that "Daddy doesn't believe in Heavely Father". You must decide to either stay with him and hope he see's the errors in the atheist arguements, or you start anew again. There are many people that we could have married. It will just be harder for you to find "the good guys" to marry if you're in your late 20's because most--not all--good guys are married by then. I'm not sure exactly how old you are, however studies show that women's fertility starts to decline in their late 20's. So if you are in your mid to a late 20's lets do the math. Current age ~27 + 1 year to see if he changes, theraphy yahda yahda +1 year divorce +1 to emotionally recover date, find the right one +1 remarried +1 first child and add +1 year for every other child you may want. So if you wanted 3 children that put's you at around 34 with 3 kids. Fertifility falls of the cliff by the mid-late 30's. My point is is that you have a major decision to make, which is highly inconvient to you because your husband threw a grenade on the family. I'm truly sorry that happened. You're young enough if you get out soon you could remarry someone who doesn't have children (if you prefer) and start a new. Good luck.

"He chose poorly"...that was the exact thought that came to my mind after reading your situation Eli. By the way, that line is from Indiana Jones when the guy drinks out of the gold cup and melts away...but I digress. You should have picked up on the signs that your wife had deep emotional and anxiety issues in your courtship and marriage. Your wife is Exhibit A on someone that has little self knowledge and big confidence issues. Why did you marry her?!?!?! Is it because you are a white knight? I think it may be... Mormon men are notoriuos for "white-knighting". A "white-knighting" is when healthy men save women from a poor situation. This often is perpetuated from the example of your father, but I won't get in to all that. Eli, let me perhaps give you some advice that no one else may give you. IN MY OPIONION, if I were you....you're in your first year of marriage, I would just say you either change your behavior and we get counseling and I'm out. She is not the person you thought she would be huh? And honestly she sounds crazy, and that's a strong word to use but I feel it's justified with some of her claims. If any women--let alone it be my wife--accussed me of incest or incestual thoughts with my mother or my cousins I was be let's just say...upset. Such comments could land you prision, and they are very serious if heard by someone else and it become reported. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS WOMAN!! Again, do not...have a child...with...her. Do you want to go to family court for 30 years and have to pay alimony to support her lifestyle. She will want you to have a child with her because she then has power over you basically the rest of your life. Maybe it never occurred to Eli but there are a lot of deceptive, dangerous and nasty women in this world. Now that may not be her, but as I mentioned because with the incest comments...err that's cray. Honestly you have no kids, she needs years of help, she shows signs of an abuser (i.e. seperating and isolating you from others; family etc.) I would leave her. "Hey this isn't work for me and you simply need more self knowledge if you want to have children, which I'm not prepared to give you." Boom. She makes immediate changes and restitution or walk. Look Eli you sound like a great guy. There are tons of women single, divorced, widowed even--that would love to have a guy like you. I've never been divorced, but I know people can find joy in life after divorce. Plus think about your first next date with a nice well grounded girl and explaining on your first date, "Yeah she accused me of incest with my Mom." --"Whoa she was crazy" is how she would respond. Review: 1.] Don't whiteknight. 2.] Under no circumstances have children with her unless she changes and you have spiritual confirmation. 3.] Do let her accuss and speak to you like that. (Don't be doormat like a lot of 'nice mormon boys') 4.] Open yourself emotionally that his marriage may end or continue but either way you will not go through life with anyone you treats poorly and tries to manipulate you. Good luck...

First year of marriage is the the top of an iceburg. There is so much more you can't see below.