exnonlds Posted November 25, 2009 Report Share Posted November 25, 2009 (edited) Q: where does a school of dolphins go to meet? A: in the multi-porpoise room. (i made that one up) Q: did you hear about the man who got the whole left side of his body blown off? A: He's all right now. (my favorite joke-didn't make it up, though) Edited November 25, 2009 by exnonlds No political or current administration comments per site rules at this time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Still_Small_Voice Posted November 28, 2009 Report Share Posted November 28, 2009 Read the what the rest of the Psalm says and see if you still find it funny. The only reference Candyprpl was referring to was Psalm 109:8. Candyprpl was not refering to the whole 109th Psalm. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted December 1, 2009 Report Share Posted December 1, 2009 Hearing about a dinosaur alive in the rain forests of South America, a professor launches a scientific expedition. After several weeks he stumbles upon a little man wearing a loincloth, standing near a 300-foot-long dead dinosaur. The scientist can't believe his eyes. "Did you kill this dinosaur?" he asks. "Yep," replies the rain-forest native. "But it's so big and you're so small! How did you kill it?" "With my club," the primitive fellow answered. "How big is your club?" "Well, there are about 100 of us." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted December 1, 2009 Report Share Posted December 1, 2009 Business Casual It's blue jeans and sweatshirts instead of suits at least one day a week at many American companies. But a stuffed shirt can be hard to change. Here's how casual day came -- and went -- at one company. Memo No. 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity. Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins. Memo No. 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success. Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory. Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress. Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday. Memo No. 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted December 1, 2009 Report Share Posted December 1, 2009 Einstein was traveling to universities in a chauffeur-driven car, delivering lectures on his theory of relativity. One day, while in transit, the chauffeur remarked, "Dr. Einstein, I've heard you deliver that lecture about 30 times. I know it by heart, and I bet I could give it myself." "Well, I'll give you the chance," Einstein said. "They don't know me at this next school, so when we get there I'll put on your cap, and you introduce yourself as me and give the lecture." The chauffeur delivered Einstein's lecture flawlessly. Finished, he started to leave when one of the professors stopped him and asked a complex question filled with mathematical equations and formulas. The chauffeur hardly skipped a beat. "The solution to that problem is so simple I'm surprised you have to ask me," he said. "In fact, to show you just how simple it is, I'm going to ask my chauffeur to come up here and answer your question." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orrinjelo Posted December 2, 2009 Report Share Posted December 2, 2009 These might be in this collection somewhere, but oh well.How do you kill a blue elephant?With a blue elephant gun.How do you kill a pink elephant?Hold its trunk until it turns blue and then kill it with a blue elephant gun.How many elephants can you fit in a VW Beetle?Four. Two in the front and two in the back.How do you know if there's an elephant in the refrigerator?There's a footprint in the mayo.How do you know if there's two elephants in the refrigerator?There's two footprints in the mayo.How do you know if there's three elephants in the refrigerator?The door won't shut.How do you know if there's four elephants in the refrigerator?There's a VW Beetle in the driveway.Why do ducks have large, flat feet?To stamp out forest fires.Why do elephants have large, flat feet?To stamp out flaming ducks.What's the difference between a duck?One leg's both the same.What does a duck, elephant, and a grape have in common?One's purple.What's the difference between peanut butter and an elephant?An elephant doesn't stick to the roof of your mouth.Okay....enough of the lame jokes for now.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamie123 Posted December 2, 2009 Report Share Posted December 2, 2009 More elephant-and-fridge jokes:What's white and wears check trousers?Rupert the FridgeWhat have an elephant and an orange got on common?Neither can drive a tractorWhat's the difference between an elephant and a mailbox?Don't know? Well I'm not trusting you to post any of MY letters! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orrinjelo Posted December 2, 2009 Report Share Posted December 2, 2009 QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13 A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates? QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15 A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy? QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19 A: To be or not to be. Q: What is the square root of 4b^2? QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21 A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume. Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name? QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31 A: Chicken Teriyaki. Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot? QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4 A: Go west, young man, go west! Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound? QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5 A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli. Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted December 3, 2009 Report Share Posted December 3, 2009 Two blondes were walking down the street. Just by luck, one of the blondes spot's a compact so she goes and picks it up. Looking strangely into it, she says "Hey this person looks familiar!" "Let me see!" the other blonde says as she grabs the compact. "Of course it looks familiar, it's me!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted December 3, 2009 Report Share Posted December 3, 2009 In a small town, farmers of the community get together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, the wife of one of the farmers stands up and speaks her piece. After she's done, one of the old farmers stands up and says, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has!" Quick as a flash, the woman replies, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted December 3, 2009 Report Share Posted December 3, 2009 A very homely young woman goes to see a psychiatrist. "Doctor," she says, "I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near me and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?" "I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replies. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
omega0401 Posted December 4, 2009 Report Share Posted December 4, 2009 This is from a recent email that was sent to me... We were in slow-moving traffic the other day and the car in front of us had an Obama bumper sticker on it. It read: "Pray for Obama. Psalm 109:8" My husband's Bible was lying on the dashboard. He got it, opened it up to the scripture, and read it. He started laughing and laughing. Then he read it to me. I couldn't believe what it said. I had a good laugh too. "Let his days be few; and let another take his office." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwen Posted December 4, 2009 Report Share Posted December 4, 2009 i haven't read every joke here so sorry if this is a repeat....Romance Mathematics Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy Office ArithmeticSmart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime Shopping Math A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. General Equations & Statistics A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Happiness To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Longevity Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Memory Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. Propensity to Change A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. Discussion Technique A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. Comprehension There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman * before marriage and after marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted December 7, 2009 Report Share Posted December 7, 2009 Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti GoghThe brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh I saw you smiling (no groans allowed) . . . there ya Gogh! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted December 8, 2009 Report Share Posted December 8, 2009 A man takes his wife to the doctor. After examining the woman carefully, the doctor says, "I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's mind is completely gone." "Well, Doc," the man says, "I'm not surprised. It's amazing that it lasted this long. She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 40 years." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moksha Posted December 10, 2009 Report Share Posted December 10, 2009 It has been said that Men's thinking is linear:-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------> Whereas, Women's thinking is multi-threading: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba,said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ryanh Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 Seeing that Moksha hasn't been banned (yet) by the female mods, perhaps I'll take a chance in posting this one. (just think of it making fun of the simpleness of men, not the complexities of women )An Engineers View of the Genders Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ryanh Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 I know this has been posted once before, but the photo just makes it so much better IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 (just think of it making fun of the simpleness of men, not the complexities of women ) Oh like we are going to believe that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted December 16, 2009 Report Share Posted December 16, 2009 A 12-year-old boy is sitting next to his father on the sofa, and both are reading. At one point the boy asks, "Is it true, Dad? It says here that in some parts of Asia, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her." The father sets down his book and puts his arm around the boy as if to share a confidence. Says the father, "That happens in most countries, son." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted December 16, 2009 Report Share Posted December 16, 2009 A woman is out shopping one afternoon. At one store, she takes an armload of goods to the cashier's desk and opens her purse to pay for them. The clerk notices that the woman has a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" she asks. "No," the woman replies. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted December 17, 2009 Report Share Posted December 17, 2009 An elderly cat died and went to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, the cat was met by St. Peter, who asked, "Is there anything you wish for?" Said the cat, "All my life I have had to sleep on a hard floor. What I would like is a lovely, soft cushion to lay on." And behold the cat's prayers were answered. The cat was believed to have said, "This is really heaven." A short while later, four mice arrived at the Pearly Gates and were met by St. Peter. "Ah, my little friends is there anything I can give you to make life here perfect for you?" "Yes!" exclaimed the mice in unison. "Our poor legs are so weary from being chased by all the cats! Is there anything you can do to help our poor legs?" "Yes," said St. Peter, giving them each a pair of roller-skates. The mice were very excited, for they could now speed along and not get tired. Some time later, St. Peter again met up with the cat and asked, "How are you getting on with the cushion?" "Many thanks, St. Peter," says the cat. "It is truly wonderful -- in all my life I have never known such comfort. And by the way, many more thanks for the Meals on Wheels!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ADoyle90815 Posted December 18, 2009 Report Share Posted December 18, 2009 You can't blame Obama for this one. The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. A search for a Virgin continues. There will be no problem however, finding enough asses to fill the stable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted December 24, 2009 Report Share Posted December 24, 2009 After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one." The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled. "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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