beefche

You're single because....

Recommended Posts

On another forum, a poster said to me (after my comment on looking for a single temple worthy priesthood holder) that I was the reason for no marriage. Here's my response to the poster:

So the reason I'm single is either 1) I'm not ready (whatever that means--realistically, who is EVER ready for marriage??), 2) I don't have enough faith or I'm not praying with faith or 3) I'm botching up God's plans.

Yep, you got me. I've never prayed about it, especially not with any real faith, and I purposely sabotage any attempts or efforts of any single guy.

Forget what the prophets have said on the subject.

Of course there are things I've done wrong or am not doing right. But to tell someone who is single that "it's all your fault" is wrong, not helpful, and actually, unkind. So, just be careful....some people may not be as forgiving as I am.

I shared this because I find this attitude by so very many people...married, single, divorced, etc.

Please, if any of you think this, then keep your thoughts to yourself. If you are a good friend to a single person and feel you have some criticisms that would help the person, then by all means share them. But do so with kindness and love.

I just have to roll my eyes at the thoughts of some people. So, when you see me, you can now know that I am unmarried solely due to my own screwed up life, lack of faith, and the thought of living/sharing with another is too much.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When I went through my divorce I thought I would be remarried in just a few years. I went 10 and hardly could find anyone to date! I went to the singles conferences, dances, attended all my meetings, magnified my callings, had FHE, so forth. I had people say to me that I was too picky! TOO PICKY? What I want a man who has a job, a testimony, isn't abusive, not a pedophile, takes showers, and isn't lazy. Is that too much? I DON"T THINK SO! Of course no one is perfect, and if it was your fault by not being perfect, then no one would be married!

One of my hero's is Sherry Dew. Check her out! She is awesome, definitely has done and still does the right things, and she has never married. So far her singleness is due to her earthly mission, which has been inspiring. If she were married, had kids, she would never have been able to achieve the righteous things she has. go to BYUTV.org and listen to some of her talks!

Anyone who accuses someone by saying it is their fault they are not married shows how uneducated, lacking in Gospel knowledge, and lack of real life experiences they are!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I believe that the reason most single sisters are not married is because there are very few worthy males to marry.

The stories my daughters tell me about the guys they or their friends meet. I have a 31 yr old daughter twice divorced. First guy never held a job in the four years they were married, he had his own business. That meant he could play XBox until late at night with his buddies and then work and hour or two and rest before next Xbox marathon. Divorced him when she had the baby and he still wouldn't work or take care of the baby and the house while she worked. Next guy she married was physically abusive.

Other daughter served a mission in South Africa. Holds current temple recommend, very outgoing, physically fit and beautiful. She is 29 and all the guys she knows around her age are not interested in a serious relationship.

The rest of the guys have issues with immorality, pornography, still students at 28, too occupied playing video games, etc.

One guy invited my daughter out to dinner, she went to a medium priced place, he told her to pick the place. When they got there he ordered water, she ordered a soda, he asked her what she liked on the menu, when she told him he said, oh good we can share it. She told him, "you know I work I can pay for my own meal." He still shared it with her and she paid half. Here she is a single mom, he asks her out on a date and she has to pay half. Loser.

Ben Raines

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Great response Georgie!

I am single too, Beefche, and have been for most of my life. And I don't believe it is my fault at all. Yes, I've made some mistakes. I married the wrong guy (in the temple) and have had to pay for that mistake all the rest of my life. I missed marrying the right guy in the temple, and I lost him because I was afraid to take that wonderful gift when it was in front of me, until it was too late (he passed away). All of my responses to life were normal, considering the abnormal things I've been through; all the tragic things that happened TO ME that weren't me fault.

We ALL deserve healthy love relationships and eternal companionship. Maybe we will get it in this life, and maybe we will get it in the next. But as we faithfully endure what we agreed to come here to experience, we gain knowledge and feelings that improve us individually, and which we can keep forever.

We all deserve love. And we all are loved by a kind and just Heavenly Father, no matter what are fears are, our level of progression, or our circumstances. Fault and blame has no place in the matter. Don't let anyone tell you different.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I believe that the reason most single sisters are not married is because there are very few worthy males to marry.

The stories my daughters tell me about the guys they or their friends meet. I have a 31 yr old daughter twice divorced. First guy never held a job in the four years they were married, he had his own business. That meant he could play XBox until late at night with his buddies and then work and hour or two and rest before next Xbox marathon. Divorced him when she had the baby and he still wouldn't work or take care of the baby and the house while she worked. Next guy she married was physically abusive.

Other daughter served a mission in South Africa. Holds current temple recommend, very outgoing, physically fit and beautiful. She is 29 and all the guys she knows around her age are not interested in a serious relationship.

The rest of the guys have issues with immorality, pornography, still students at 28, too occupied playing video games, etc.

One guy invited my daughter out to dinner, she went to a medium priced place, he told her to pick the place. When they got there he ordered water, she ordered a soda, he asked her what she liked on the menu, when she told him he said, oh good we can share it. She told him, "you know I work I can pay for my own meal." He still shared it with her and she paid half. Here she is a single mom, he asks her out on a date and she has to pay half. Loser.

Ben Raines

Seriously, Ben. There is a crazy amount of lack of 'manning up' among most of the younger generation. I'm not sure if it's caused by a lack of real male role models or what, but I've noticed that dating among the 'forgotten generation'(My term for anyone in LDS culture who is unmarried at age 25 or above) is seriously slim pickings for the women.

Most guys with a strong testimony, a good job and a commitment to marriage are married by their early twenties in the LDS church. What does that leave? Angry divorcees, mama's boys and those who have no care for the future. Whatever few lie in between are hotly contested.

Frankly, I think guys need to be sat down and explained to: "Forget the 'me' generation. I know you're being told by the world everything you do is right and everything is a personal choice. That's selfish and untrue. Get a job. Pay for your date. Stand up for what you believe in. Don't like it? Life sucks - Wear a helmet. That's the way it works."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I had people say to me that I was too picky! TOO PICKY?

Whenever I hear that phrase, it automatically translates to "SETTLE"...'so what if they are not who you would like to spend the rest of your life with, you should settle for what you can get!'

NOT!!! I would rather spend all the days of my life single, than to "settle"...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Whenever I hear that phrase, it automatically translates to "SETTLE"...'so what if they are not who you would like to spend the rest of your life with, you should settle for what you can get!'

NOT!!! I would rather spend all the days of my life single, than to "settle"...

And that's fair, Truegrits.

Just remember: You are where you are because of the choices you make. Nothing happens to us - By our actions and inactions, things come to pass.

We all have the power to have the life we want.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

To throw in a bit of my own humor, There's this lady I know, couple years older than me, as is my wife. All of us know that if I hadn't married one, I'd have married the other.

7 years later, the "Other woman" as we call her, is still unmarried. I guess she just couldn't find a better man than me. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In one of Sheri Dew's books on CD she says that if Fasting and Prayer was all it took to find an appropriate mate she would have Nephi's lined up at her door.

In one of John Bytheway's talks . .I think it was "What I wish I'd known when I was single" He said that its better to be single and happy than married and unhappy. He went into more detail. . .four levels. . . happily married, happily single, unhappily single, unhappily married. (I hope I've remembered that right.)

When President Hinckley talked about young men who played video games etc instead of dating, :( I tried to teach them differently. . . really!!! I still tell them.

applepansy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Seriously,Frankly, I think guys need to be sat down and explained to: "Forget the 'me' generation. I know you're being told by the world everything you do is right and everything is a personal choice. That's selfish and untrue. Get a job. Pay for your date. Stand up for what you believe in. Don't like it? Life sucks - Wear a helmet. That's the way it works."

Are you volunteering? My sons have quit listening to me or my husband.:eek:

applepansy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A few months ago Elder Oaks and his companion from the Q of the 70's came to reorganize our Stake. It was a great conference. He spoke on that very issue on account of his second marriage after his first wife passed away.

We sometimes take it lightly when it comes to marriage. We do or don't do the things that are a must in order to find a companion in due time. Life is shaped by actions and inaction. They are both choices and at times we do not understand thus we do not "see" what we did, do or failed to do that is preventing us from finding a companion. God does not do random. Your future companion, whom you knew and lucked eyes with on the other side of the veil before coming to the earth; will be in a certain place at a certain time. If one's life choices have taken us someplace else then the opportunity is lost. Whatever option and choice we exercise after that will forever be second best, sub-optimal and not the one appointed to us by our Father in Heaven.

When our choices lead to pain and heartache we seldom acknowledge that we contributed to such in some measure. It is not blame but a fact that although painful must be realized in order to begin to understand our shortcomings.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Other daughter served a mission in South Africa. Holds current temple recommend, very outgoing, physically fit and beautiful. She is 29 and all the guys she knows around her age are not interested in a serious relationship.

The rest of the guys have issues with immorality, pornography, still students at 28, too occupied playing video games, etc.

One guy invited my daughter out to dinner, she went to a medium priced place, he told her to pick the place. When they got there he ordered water, she ordered a soda, he asked her what she liked on the menu, when she told him he said, oh good we can share it. She told him, "you know I work I can pay for my own meal." He still shared it with her and she paid half. Here she is a single mom, he asks her out on a date and she has to pay half. Loser.

Ben Raines

You know, when things like this happen, you are so caught off guard, so blown away by the audacity of this guy that you really can't react in the appropriate way. If she knew in advance that he was going to do that she probably would have planned to walk out with him sitting there to at least pay for her soda! LOL ! She probably gets upset with herself each time she thinks of it!

And another comment you made is that there are more righteous women than men. This is definatley a FACT! Elder Oaks wife was single till she was in her 50's I think! His first wife had to die for her to get married! (no disrespect intended)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

whenever i hear that phrase, it automatically translates to "settle"...'so what if they are not who you would like to spend the rest of your life with, you should settle for what you can get!'

not!!! I would rather spend all the days of my life single, than to "settle"...

[you bet cha !!!!!!!

Being single beats being married to the wrong guy any day!]

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Back to the OP, Beef, have you considered it's not about the "lack of guys", but more about where you live? Have you ever considered moving somewhere else where there are "more guys"?

There are active single guys in the church all around. In fact where I live, there's always more single GUYS at activities than single women. Most single women around here don't appreciate the LDS guys at all. And these are good guys with testimonies, "jobs", etc, etc. But the problem around here is that most women will not date a guy useless he makes over 100K, drives a BMW or Mercedes, owns at least a $500K condo or house. Period. So with that, I know so many good LDS guys who would love to get married to LDS women, end up marrying non-members who appreciate them more.

Edited by mattai

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Back to the OP, Beef, have you considered it's not about the "lack of guys", but more about where you live? Have you ever considered moving somewhere else where there are "more guys"?

There are active single guys in the church all around. In fact where I live, there's always more single GUYS at activities than single women. Most single women around here don't appreciate the LDS guys at all. And these are good guys with testimonies, "jobs", etc, etc. But the problem around here is that most women will not date a guy useless he makes over 100K, drives a BMW or Mercedes, owns at least a $500K condo or house. Period. So with that, I know so many good LDS guys who would love to get married to LDS women, end up marrying non-members who appreciate them more.

:offtopic: Mattai are you also the Mattai on the Nauvoo forum? Whether you are or not, Welcome to the forum.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Back to the OP, Beef, have you considered it's not about the "lack of guys", but more about where you live? Have you ever considered moving somewhere else where there are "more guys"?

There are active single guys in the church all around. In fact where I live, there's always more single GUYS at activities than single women. Most single women around here don't appreciate the LDS guys at all. And these are good guys with testimonies, "jobs", etc, etc. But the problem around here is that most women will not date a guy useless he makes over 100K, drives a BMW or Mercedes, owns at least a $500K condo or house. Period. So with that, I know so many good LDS guys who would love to get married to LDS women, end up marrying non-members who appreciate them more.

Hey, don't I know you from somewhere else?? :D

I have considered moving, but I've never felt the Spirit telling me to move (as of yet). My bf is "strongly encouraging" me to move near her (which would place me in a more LDS rich area). I have some responsibilities here that consume me when thinking about moving. It's a little scary (for me) to think of those responsibilities and not be here to help.

But, Matt, why don't those LDS guys move? I can tell you that LDS women in other parts of the country certainly don't keep standards like that (some do, but majority don't).

And, let's be honest, are you sure the guys don't have high, nearly impossible standards for the women? I find it hard to believe that it's all the women's fault for being judgmental and none of the guys expect perfection from the women.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

And, let's be honest, are you sure the guys don't have high, nearly impossible standards for the women? I find it hard to believe that it's all the women's fault for being judgmental and none of the guys expect perfection from the women.

I am going to let you in on a secret about guys(And people in general).

Most of us accidentally fall in to relationships.

Most of the time, even the most attractive people in the world get in relationships in spite of themselves. Someone shows up, someone flirts, they fumble around and they end up in a relationship with whoever they might vaguely be interested in who might vaguely be interested in them.

Those who are most attractive generally have people throwing themselves at them(On both sides of the fence). This results in those people having less 'Social worth'(Think about it - When was the last time you found someone really attractive who followed you around puppy-dog like. It doesn't happen). Then, these same people who reject those who throw themselves at -them- wonder why they aren't attractive to the people they want.

Attraction is not a choice and we can not help who we are attracted to. Any person can attract any other person.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

mattai, where is it you live? I want to send my 29 yr old daughter, returned missionary, for a visit. She currently holds a temple recommend and is not looking for 100K a year, no BMW or Mercedes and would be very happy in a rented apartment.

Ben Raines

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A few months ago Elder Oaks and his companion from the Q of the 70's came to reorganize our Stake. It was a great conference. He spoke on that very issue on account of his second marriage after his first wife passed away.

We sometimes take it lightly when it comes to marriage. We do or don't do the things that are a must in order to find a companion in due time. Life is shaped by actions and inaction. They are both choices and at times we do not understand thus we do not "see" what we did, do or failed to do that is preventing us from finding a companion. God does not do random. Your future companion, whom you knew and lucked eyes with on the other side of the veil before coming to the earth; will be in a certain place at a certain time. If one's life choices have taken us someplace else then the opportunity is lost. Whatever option and choice we exercise after that will forever be second best, sub-optimal and not the one appointed to us by our Father in Heaven.

When our choices lead to pain and heartache we seldom acknowledge that we contributed to such in some measure. It is not blame but a fact that although painful must be realized in order to begin to understand our shortcomings.

Interesting ideas. I am curious if what you said here are quotes from Elder Oaks or your impressions from what he said.

I don't believe that I looked into my future companions eyes on the other side of the veil, because whose eyes was I looking into? My ex's, my (hopefully) soon to be new bride? I know that if I had tried really hard and so had my ex that our marriage would have worked. But you know what, I also know that the girl I want to marry now is right for me too.

So I wonder what I did wrong to not get her the first time around. I mean we knew each other when we were 14. I left on a mission and when I got back my parents had moved to a different state. How was that my choice? Of course when I got back home she was on her mission. Again not my choice. I served an honorable mission, so I know I wasn't making bad choices.

I just go back to what Pres. Kimball said about any two people that have a desire to succeed in marriage and put forth the effort, will succeed.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now