What does it mean to preside at home?

[Vort]

In another thread, the participants mentioned how important it was that the man "lead" in the home even if the woman is the primary breadwinner. We are told that it is a man's divine duty to preside in the home, as these good sisters seem to recognize. But that got me thinking: What do most people think "presiding at home" entails? Exactly what does it mean that the man "presides in the home"? I have my own opinions, but I am interested to know what others think.

[pam]

Thanks Vort for starting another thread to discuss this. I do appreciate it.

[Jennarator]

In another thread, the participants mentioned how important it was that the man "lead" in the home even if the woman is the primary breadwinner. We are told that it is a man's divine duty to preside in the home, as these good sisters seem to recognize. But that got me thinking: What do most people think "presiding at home" entails? Exactly what does it mean that the man "presides in the home"? I have my own opinions, but I am interested to know what others think.

In simple term:

Preside = oversee.

There is more to it, but in a way I see it as the person ultimatly responsible. Oh, I need to run right now, but I will write more tomorrow!!

There is more to it.

[Connie]

Questions and Answers - Ensign June 2001

Strengthening the Patriarchal Order in the Home - Ensign Feb. 1973

Presiding Righteously in the Home - Liahona Feb. 2004

Unrighteous Dominion in Marriage - Liahona June 1990

These might help.

[Vort]

Questions and Answers - Ensign June 2001

Strengthening the Patriarchal Order in the Home - Ensign Feb. 1973

Presiding Righteously in the Home - Liahona Feb. 2004

Unrighteous Dominion in Marriage - Liahona June 1990

These might help.

Thanks for the links, Connie. I'm actually not looking for help. I want to know what people's opinions are on the meaning of "presiding at home". I already know what I think it means; I am curious to find out the thoughts of others on the topic.

EDIT: Great links, by the way.

Edited June 14, 2011 by Vort

[estradling75]

For me it means I am responsible for making sure the things that my family needs to have happen, happen. I don't necessary need to be the one to do it, just that it gets done.

[pam]

For me it means I am responsible for making sure the things that my family needs to have happen, happen. I don't necessary need to be the one to do it, just that it gets done.

But also doing it in a way that doesn't bring unrighteous dominion.

[Just_A_Guy]

All the responsibility, but none of the power?

[pam]

I kind of see it in the same way a Bishop presides over a ward. The man is responsible for the spiritual welfare of each member of the family.

[Vort]

I kind of see it in the same way a Bishop presides over a ward. The man is responsible for the spiritual welfare of each member of the family.

I think we would all agree with this, but it doesn't really give a picture of what's happening. So let me rephrase the question:

What does it look like for the father to preside at home? In other words, what things does a presiding father do (or avoid doing) that, in a family where the father does not preside at home, he would not do (or avoid doing)?

[pam]

If we look at the spiritual side of it that would be things such as ensuring there is Family Home Evening, family prayer, giving blessings when needed, teaching the family the importance of sustaining the Priesthood holder in the home. (of course this is from a LDS perspective).

It doesn't mean he has to plan every Family Home Evening or has to give every prayer during family prayer.

[ruthiechan]

If we look at the spiritual side of it that would be things such as ensuring there is Family Home Evening, family prayer, giving blessings when needed, teaching the family the importance of sustaining the Priesthood holder in the home. (of course this is from a LDS perspective).

It doesn't mean he has to plan every Family Home Evening or has to give every prayer during family prayer.

That's what I do. I am the spiritual matriarch of my home because my husband is not Mormon.

However, in all temporal matters, he presides. He handles the finances, he has the final say in where money goes, and in any changes in the home from decor to food. He makes sure our physical, intellectual, and emotional needs are met. If I or our daughter needs a blessing, I ask him first. He always says yes. Occasionally he'll allow himself to have one too, based on my faith. If I want to go to church activities outside of Sunday I ask him first since it takes time away from him. Sometimes he's okay with that, most times, he just wants me home with him. (7am Temple session is awesome, I'm back as he's getting up!)

[pam]

That's what I do. I am the spiritual matriarch of my home because my husband is not Mormon.

Very understandable in situations such as this.

[ruthiechan]

Very understandable in situations such as this.

Yep. But note, I don't usurp his presiding role as husband and father. I feel that's really important.

[jayanna]

I have recently had an excercise in this principle. I grew up in a home where my mother was the major breadwinner, and was very career oriented. She made all of the financial decisions, and very rarely did my dad make any decisions at all.

Recently I have had an opportunity at work, a sort of promotion, with more responsibility and more pay, but twice the time away from home. I was not looking forward to being away from home and our 2 teenagers. I prayed about whether or not to accept the position. I got nothing. I prayed again and again, still nothing. I asked my Bishop what he thought about it, since his office is at my work and everyone at work was wondering what I was going to do. People were constantly asking me about it.

He said that my husband would know what would be best for our family. I had some feelings about this, I felt it was my decision, and that he wouldn't take it as seriously as I did. I went to the temple with my dh and as we sat in the celestial room and prayed I had the answer to follow his counsel. This is a completely new experience for me, you must understand, a very humbling one. I asked the one presiding over our family whether or not I should take on this bigger job, and agreed to follow whatever his answer was.

He said I should do it. He had prayed about it, and had received an answer. He reminded me of the benefits (college to pay for in the future) and how the job was perfect for me (it is my dream job), and that he and the kids would pick up the slack in the housework. So now, I am home when they leave for school and he is home when they come back. It isn't easy, but it will be worth it when we will be able to send them to college. I also found out that there is an amazing pension plan available to me now...we can afford to go on a mission or two if I make it to retirement.

[Traveler]

In another thread, the participants mentioned how important it was that the man "lead" in the home even if the woman is the primary breadwinner. We are told that it is a man's divine duty to preside in the home, as these good sisters seem to recognize. But that got me thinking: What do most people think "presiding at home" entails? Exactly what does it mean that the man "presides in the home"? I have my own opinions, but I am interested to know what others think.

It means tha when a husband stand before G-d he makes an account of the family.

The Traveler

[ruthiechan]

He said that my husband would know what would be best for our family. I had some feelings about this, I felt it was my decision, and that he wouldn't take it as seriously as I did. I went to the temple with my dh and as we sat in the celestial room and prayed I had the answer to follow his counsel. This is a completely new experience for me, you must understand, a very humbling one. I asked the one presiding over our family whether or not I should take on this bigger job, and agreed to follow whatever his answer was.

He said I should do it. He had prayed about it, and had received an answer. He reminded me of the benefits (college to pay for in the future) and how the job was perfect for me (it is my dream job), and that he and the kids would pick up the slack in the housework. So now, I am home when they leave for school and he is home when they come back. It isn't easy, but it will be worth it when we will be able to send them to college. I also found out that there is an amazing pension plan available to me now...we can afford to go on a mission or two if I make it to retirement.

AWESOME. I pray for my husband that he'll know what's best for our family. And I have to trust that even if I'm apprehensive. And I've never been sorry about trusting him to know what's best for us.

[dauser]

The Institute For Authority Research (Dean Gotcher) talks a lot about the brainwashing techniques uses by the government schools and the controlled media to demasculinize men and defeminize women.

Moving society and families from a patriarchael paradigm to a matriarchael paradigm requires a lot of marxist facilitators in high and influencial places.

If a man's directives (or commandments) to his wife are not encouraged by her nor welcomed by her, nor willingly embraced nor carried out in love by her...

If she challanges him , opposes, argues with, questions, contests him (especially in front of the kids) he soon ceases to give directives... and ceases to cherish her.

He wants respect and she wants love... and Praxis kills both... then the family.

Dad's power in the home shrinks and mom's power increase and their children take that and start families and have the same power struggles and she will usually win... for the law is on her side..

Women do not want another service project...they want a prince charming who is already fixed ...

Their are so few POWERFUL MEN.. because their women do not sustain them.. Really sustain them.... mothers, grandmothers, sisters and wives.

What does sustained mean?

Big boys need to be raised and praised, propped up, made to look good, made to look smart, to be forgiven, loved, obeyed and women are way too quick to find fault, find weakness, compare, judge and tear down her guy with her smart and quick combacks .

A woman can make or break her man... a great presider has even greater sustainers.

Edited June 15, 2011 by dauser

[Dove]

Yikes, coming from generations of "patriarchal" abuse, this is quite a tender and confused topic for me, LOL....

I used to say that I didn't need my dad's protection so much as I needed protection from him....maybe with humor, but true nonetheless.

Of course, there's the little things like deferring to the father for family prayer. Everything else for me is blurred in painful memories of experiences that absolutely diminished my self esteem and sense of worth and value. I resent the "patriarchal" order to a great degree, as perhaps others can imagine with the background I've come from~Do I believe women are treated equally in this order? Straight up, of course not! Do I believe that women are equal in the celestial kingdom? I don't know and have often wondered.....

Some things that comfort me about this are the passages in the 121st section of the Doctrine and Covenants and the belief that any position of authority in the gospel is ideally meant to serve others, not control or subject them to their dominion. I like Alma 1:26 as well; "And when the priests left their labor to impart the word of God unto the people, the people also left their labors to hear the word of God. And when the priest had imparted unto them the word of God they all returned again diligently unto their labors; and the priest, not esteeming himself above his hearers, for the preacher was no better than the hearer, neither was the teacher any better than the learner; and thus the were all equal and they did all labor, every man according to his strength." There are many scriptures in the Book of Mormon that support equality among all men. I guess this means women also....

I love my husband dearly and he loves me the same. He is not a member. I do defer to him in who asks for prayer. Other than that, we talk things out and mostly decide together. I say mostly because I have the fault of dominating too much, and am working on that!

The only thing that saves me with the "'patriarchal order" in the gospel is a strong testimony that its power is so real....So many inspired blessings given and inspired counsel given by priesthood holders that did not abuse their authority. (bishops, stepdad). Other than that, it's pretty bitter for me.

[Jennarator]

Haha....so now that I got back, everything has been said.

[Blackmarch]

In another thread, the participants mentioned how important it was that the man "lead" in the home even if the woman is the primary breadwinner. We are told that it is a man's divine duty to preside in the home, as these good sisters seem to recognize. But that got me thinking: What do most people think "presiding at home" entails? Exactly what does it mean that the man "presides in the home"? I have my own opinions, but I am interested to know what others think.

dad= president

mom= congress

but hopefully with much more harmony.

[applepansy]

The Institute For Authority Research (Dean Gotcher) talks a lot about the brainwashing techniques uses by the government schools and the controlled media to demasculinize men and defeminize women.

Moving society and families from a patriarchael paradigm to a matriarchael paradigm requires a lot of marxist facilitators in high and influencial places.

If a man's directives (or commandments) to his wife are not encouraged by her nor welcomed by her, nor willingly embraced nor carried out in love by her...

If she challanges him , opposes, argues with, questions, contests him (especially in front of the kids) he soon ceases to give directives... and ceases to cherish her.

He wants respect and she wants love... and Praxis kills both... then the family.

Dad's power in the home shrinks and mom's power increase and their children take that and start families and have the same power struggles and she will usually win... for the law is on her side..

Women do not want another service project...they want a prince charming who is already fixed ...

Their are so few POWERFUL MEN.. because their women do not sustain them.. Really sustain them.... mothers, grandmothers, sisters and wives.

What does sustained mean?

Big boys need to be raised and praised, propped up, made to look good, made to look smart, to be forgiven, loved, obeyed and women are way too quick to find fault, find weakness, compare, judge and tear down her guy with her smart and quick combacks .

A woman can make or break her man... a great presider has even greater sustainers.

The other side to this story is that if men had been worthy patriarchs of their families as described in D&C 121, women would not have been forced to step up and fill in where their men were failing. Look at history over the last 60 years before placing blame on only one gender. It took both to get our society to where is it today.

There are not "few" powerful men. There are many and in my world they are generally worthy priesthood holders who know and understand their role. Women have no problem being presided over by such men. We have enough to do without taking on men's responsibilities too. I can start naming several and I'll start with my husband then add my Dad. In my ward I could name dozens and in my stake scores. In my community (lds and non lds) there are scores of worthy men presiding over their families. I'm in just one small rural corner of the world. I'm sure there are many others who can name scores of worthy men presiding faithfully over their families.

It would be nice to see you stop selling your gender short and blaming women for stepping up where it was needed.

I do believe there was an orchestrated effort by Satan to unbalance the family to thereby destroy it. He hasn't succeeded yet and I believe the family is becoming more important in the eyes of society a little at a time. I also agree with your last statement in red and would add "there would be more great sustainers if there were more great presiders. A great presider can make a sustainer shine, but he also has the power to destroy her and their children."

I believe it was President Hinckley who said (paraphrasing) that Heavenly Father would count the tears shed by the women and children of unworthy husbands/fathers. (I looked for the quote but couldn't find it...somebody please help me out with it if possible...thanks :) )

[applepansy]

back on topic....

There have been great responses about what presiding means to people. I agree with most of them. :) There can only be on head.

[ruthiechan]

Yikes, coming from generations of "patriarchal" abuse, this is quite a tender and confused topic for me, LOL....

I used to say that I didn't need my dad's protection so much as I needed protection from him....maybe with humor, but true nonetheless.

Of course, there's the little things like deferring to the father for family prayer. Everything else for me is blurred in painful memories of experiences that absolutely diminished my self esteem and sense of worth and value. I resent the "patriarchal" order to a great degree, as perhaps others can imagine with the background I've come from~Do I believe women are treated equally in this order? Straight up, of course not! Do I believe that women are equal in the celestial kingdom? I don't know and have often wondered.....

Some things that comfort me about this are the passages in the 121st section of the Doctrine and Covenants and the belief that any position of authority in the gospel is ideally meant to serve others, not control or subject them to their dominion. I like Alma 1:26 as well; "And when the priests left their labor to impart the word of God unto the people, the people also left their labors to hear the word of God. And when the priest had imparted unto them the word of God they all returned again diligently unto their labors; and the priest, not esteeming himself above his hearers, for the preacher was no better than the hearer, neither was the teacher any better than the learner; and thus the were all equal and they did all labor, every man according to his strength." There are many scriptures in the Book of Mormon that support equality among all men. I guess this means women also....

I love my husband dearly and he loves me the same. He is not a member. I do defer to him in who asks for prayer. Other than that, we talk things out and mostly decide together. I say mostly because I have the fault of dominating too much, and am working on that!

The only thing that saves me with the "'patriarchal order" in the gospel is a strong testimony that its power is so real....So many inspired blessings given and inspired counsel given by priesthood holders that did not abuse their authority. (bishops, stepdad). Other than that, it's pretty bitter for me.

Sometimes sustaining your husband is as simple as not disregarding his thoughts and feelings and opinions. My husband and I work things out together too. After all, we're supposed to be equal partners with our spouses. If Dad says, time for prayer, Mom says, come on kids, let's pray. But, if you're in the middle of something that you can't drop right away, it's okay to let him know.

Here are some excerpts that my help you with this:

"“. . .The Family: A Proclamation to the World” teaches a husband-wife concept that clearly differs from both households where this hypothetical couple grew up. It states that fathers “are to preside” and “to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families,” while mothers “are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.” Fathers and mothers are to “help one another” fulfill these duties as “equal partners.”

"The concept of interdependent, equal partners is well-grounded in the doctrine of the restored gospel. Eve was Adam’s “help meet” (Genesis 2:18). The original Hebrew for meet means that Eve was adequate for, or equal to, Adam. She wasn’t his servant or his subordinate. And the Hebrew for help in “help meet” is ezer, a term meaning that Eve drew on heavenly powers when she supplied their marriage with the spiritual instincts uniquely available to women as a gender gift.

". . .

"Genesis 3:16 states that Adam is to “rule over” Eve, but this doesn’t make Adam a dictator. A ruler can be a measuring tool that sets standards. Then Adam would live so that others may measure the rightness of their conduct by watching his. Being a ruler is not so much a privilege of power as an obligation to practice what a man preaches. Also, over in “rule over” uses the Hebrew bet, which means ruling with, not ruling over. If a man does exercise “dominion … in any degree of unrighteousness” (D&C 121:37; emphasis added), God terminates that man’s authority."

From: Crossing Thresholds and Becoming Equal Partners - Liahona Aug. 2007

[MarginOfError]

I have no idea what it means to preside over my family. But I don't put that much emphasis on it anyway. If you read the full Proclamation on the Family, it states that "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness" and in the same paragraph, "fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."

As best as I can tell, elevating the man in the home to the sole presiding authority violates the divine design of equal partnership. Fathers are to preside of their families as equals with their wives. Mothers are to nurture their children as equals with their husbands.

Recently, a sister in my ward told my wife a funny story. Her husband was trying to get their young son to do something, and told him, "Son, I'm your father and that means I lead this family, so you need to listen to what I say." His son said to him, "No, dad, mom's the boss in this family."

That sister then asked my wife who "wears the pants in our family." My wife couldn't answer. She honestly didn't know. When she posed the question to me, I couldn't answer either. The best answer we could come up with was that we share the pants in our family. And I like it that way*.

The miracle and power in parenting is unity through open communication and negotiation toward common goals. But common goals are only meaningful when they are mutually agreed upon, not when they are assigned.

* I don't intend any judgment or evaluation of that other family's presiding style. What works for them is what they should do, even if what the kids perceive is entirely different. In any case, the family in question is a wonderful and righteous family that I wouldn't accuse of any failing in how they preside over their family. It's just different.