Tacky or not?

[pam]

So yesterday I happened to see a status on facebook regarding an upcoming honeymoon trip. A couple wants to take a month long honeymoon traveling to such places as Jerusalem and Galilee and experiencing places that Christ has walked. I think that's awesome. What a great way to start a marriage with spirituality and as a couple to learn more about Christ.

Then it went on to describe how with job changes and such they are about $5000 short on what they will need. So in lieu of gifts they are asking people to donate towards their trip. There was even a link provided to be able to make donations. Part of the plea was that the money would mean a difference between sleeping in a hotel and eating 3 meals a day versus sleeping in a car and eating power bars. Tickets for flights etc have already been paid. They only have 2 weeks before their trip.

This is someone I know only through a private group on facebook. I have mixed feelings and thoughts on this.

Do you think it's tacky or not?

[Swiper]

I think its tacky. I also think it's somewhat ironic that they want to be as comfortable as possible while walking in Jesus' footsteps.

[Gwen]

Asking for money isn't uncommon. At funerals ppl will ask for donations instead of flowers. Other occasions ppl will say instead of gifts donate to this or that charity. If a big trip is that important to them then I guess I could see asking for money instead of gifts. I don't really have an issue with that, especially if they aren't really "just starting out" and don't need all the household stuff that ppl traditionally give.

That said I do find the way you say they presented it to be tacky. Setting a goal amt? Setting up a link for donations? The guilt trip of presenting the hotel and meals vs car and power bars? Yes you want someone to be comfortable on their honeymoon but it's not my job to make sure you have a hotel. lol In the grand scheme of honeymoons and weddings $5000 isn't that much. If it's that important it's called a credit card, or change the parameters of your trip.

I guess that's a long way to say I have mixed feelings as well. lol

[pam]

Gwen you have just said some of the same reasons that I have mixed feelings on this.

[pam]

I guess part of the problem I have is that it showed up on my status feed on facebook. I only know this person via a facebook group. I realize that I have the option to donate or not. I also guess my thought would have been to send that to people who I know personally and that I've invited to the wedding or to the reception.

[MorningStar]

Money given to newlyweds is supposed to be to help them get on their feet - not to take a month long vacation. I think it's tacky.

[beefche]

Tacky.

When Dravin and I got married, we didn't register anywhere. The reason was I didn't know what to register for. I had lived in a house on my own for several years and we had everything we needed. We would have strictly registered for fun items--like TV, blurays, shoes for me....

It was a subtle way of asking for money if one felt inclined to get us anything at all. I had some people ask me if we needed anything or wanted money. I told them money. But, I never asked for anything. Honestly, I didn't care if I got anything at all--I just wanted people at the receptions there to share in our joy.

It's one thing to register (thereby telling people exactly what you want) and another to guilt people into giving you something. I'd be inclined to get them travel toothbrushes and travel toothpaste--so they can use their own money on powerbars.

[Wingnut]

As the average marriage age rises, it's becoming more common to request money in lieu of gifts for a wedding. Couples are getting married after they've already been living either on their own or together for an extended period of time already, and have many of the things they need to start a home -- linens, kitchen supplies, etc. It's not uncommon to request that money be gifted toward an experience (read: exorbitant honeymoon) instead.

Setting a goal amt?

Agree -- tacky. They should be grateful for whatever they get. At the same time, how is that different from a registry? Isn't it just a money registry?

Setting up a link for donations?

This is actually helpful to people. Again, it's very similar to a registry. However, it might have been less tacky if they presented the idea, and then said something like, "please get in touch with us if you'd like to know how to participate."

The guilt trip of presenting the hotel and meals vs car and power bars? Yes you want someone to be comfortable on their honeymoon but it's not my job to make sure you have a hotel.

Agreed. Guilt tripping isn't good.

lol In the grand scheme of honeymoons and weddings $5000 isn't that much. If it's that important it's called a credit card, or change the parameters of your trip.

I don't understand. They have flights and a schedule booked, paid for, and planned already. But they don't have the money for any of it? That's just plain irresponsible. $5000 is a lot, and I don't think it's a smart idea to start out a marriage by dumping $5000 onto a credit card (assuming they could get one with that limit...I don't know their credit history, obviously). But they definitely need to change their plans and/or expectations. That's part of the trouble of soliciting honeymoon money instead of gifts -- you take a gamble on whether or not people will comply, and if they don't, you've already made plans that you now can't afford.

I guess part of the problem I have is that it showed up on my status feed on facebook. I only know this person via a facebook group. I realize that I have the option to donate or not. I also guess my thought would have been to send that to people who I know personally and that I've invited to the wedding or to the reception.

I agree with this very much -- asking total strangers (literally) is extremely tacky. A note should have been put in with the invitations if this was what they wanted, though that's also tacky.

I guess my overall thought on this is that the request and act itself isn't all that tacky. The manner in which it was presented definitely is tacky. And it's inappropriate for them to be planning something so wildly out of their reach. My husband and I took a 2.5 day honeymoon at a location two hours away from where we lived, that cost us maybe $700, though probably less. We chose a fancy schmancy hotel, but then we ate at local taverns, etc.

[Traveler]

I believe that "it" is worse than tacky. My father often would say to me that there is nothing of benefit in doing the right things for the wrong reasons. A visit to the Holy Land, to be able to walk where Jesus walked is a good thing -- but I believe that to do so by creating debt or to think it more important than assisting those in need has in its roots the same selfishness and pride as creating debt and ignoring the needy in favor of wearing the latest factions.

Maybe I am an just an old curmudgeon with outdated ideas but I think I would find excuse to wait until they returned from their honeymoon to give them my gift.

The Traveler

[Bini]

My verdict is that yes it's more common these days for couples to request money versus actual gifts, and depending on the circumstances, it's either tacky or it isn't. I don't think you can use a wide stroke brush to cover everyone. But in this particular instance, I vote, tacky. Sounds like, despite having done some arrangements, they're still quite a bit outside of their "means" if $5,000 is the difference between a hotel/3 meals and a car/power bars. I think $5,000 is a hefty sum to be short on in 2 weeks or less.

These kinds of trips, regardless of the good intentions (like walking in Jesus's footsteps), do cost money. I have family members that have done it and most have been retired folks with the financial setup to enjoy the experience. I'm not saying you have to wait to be retired but usually newlyweds don't get the luxury to hop on a plane and jet across the world to just any exotic location unless they're financially setup.

Just my thoughts.

[Guest]

I think asking for money is always tacky, but especially when it's for such an extravagance. I'm sure most of the people donating will never have the opportunity to go on such a trip!

My BIL is getting married tomorrow and they've specifically asked for money only to put toward the down payment of a house. That's a little more reasonable, but still tacky if you ask me.

[pam]

It's on my bucket list to tour Europe. I mean that's where my ancestors are from and isn't the church all about families and family history and such?

So if I opened up an online account would you all donate?

[Gwen]

FYI I'm not one to advocate someone go into debt for a honeymoon. $5000 is a lot of money, I'm poor enough to understand that. lol

However, looking at weddings of the world (yes I know we are not supposed to be of the world) $5000 is around or less than the cost of a wedding dress. And no those weddings are not being paid for in cash. Should we follow the world's example? probably not. Just that in the grand scheme of weddings and honeymoons $5000 isn't a "big deal".

I think as for if it's worth going into debt over they will have to decide. If they know they will NEVER get to take another trip like this in their life then it might be worth it to them. If I had known all that was in store for my future I might have chosen a different honeymoon plan. Not that it wasn't fun or nice but knowing it might be the only trip I get for the next 40 plus yrs ..... I might have chosen differently. lol

I also can't help but wonder if they considered all their options. I know there are "land cruises" that you can purchase that cover your food, lodging, the whole deal. I can't help but wonder how that compares in cost to the trip they have planned.

But generally I agree they should have planned a trip they could comfortably afford. A few changes and they would probably be fine. Having already bought travel tickets does present a problem when coming up short of what I'm guessing they thought they could afford. (I'm assuming they thought they could as the reason for asking for money was due to "job changes and such".)

[Traveler]

I know this is off topic but I just had to include this thought. When our youngest started school my wife wanted to go back to work. In short she wanted out of the house. We sat down together and considered the possibilities. She wanted to use her homemaking skills but I encouraged her to consider other possibilities. She decided to talk to a friend that worked for an airline. She decided to work for the airline – not because of the work but because of the benefits. The benefits have been astonishing. All of our children became world travelers and have visited every continent by time they were in high school including trips on their own (without parents) to Europe and South America.

By planning family excursions around my business travels we have been able to spend up to a week almost anywhere in the world for a family with 5 children for less than $500 total. And because it was planned around business – most of the expense was deductible.

My point is quite simple. Life can be fun, rewarding, exciting and enjoyable without mortgaging our lives or someone else’s. I am not saying everyone should do what we did – but I am saying that considering possibilities, making goals, planning carefully, being disciplined and living within one’s means is not as hard or boring as so many make it out.

My youngest son finished college this spring and has started a job of almost 6 figures. While in school he discovered he could buy a modest home and rent to roommates and not have to pay any rent himself while at school. When he got married he and his wife moved in with us to continue saving rent. He and his wife have decided that rather than buying the big home (Travers Mountain) that they would live in the upstairs of their rental and save up to pay cash (5 year plan) for their next home and at the same time make the payment on their rental by renting the basement to another couple.

The Traveler

[classylady]

I'm kind of nervous now. Is this tacky? My youngest daughter is planning on setting up a memorial fund for a headstone for her deceased older sister. We were not able to afford a headstone when she died, (and still can't afford one) and the 10 year anniversary of her death is coming up. A friend of mine had offered last year to set up a memorial fund, but I didn't take her up on the offer. Now, my daughter wants to set a fund up. I've had numerous family and friends say they wanted to donate to a headstone. My youngest daughter plans on posting the memorial fund on Facebook. What do you think? In bad taste, or acceptable?

Edited June 15, 2013 by classylady

[Mahone]

I'm kind of nervous now. Is this tacky? My youngest daughter is planning on setting up a memorial fund for a headstone for her deceased older sister. We were never able to afford a headstone when she died, (and still can't afford one) and the 10 year anniversary of her death is coming up. A friend of mine had offered last year to set up a memorial fund, but I didn't take her up on the offer. Now, my daughter wants to set a fund up. I've had numerous family and friends say they wanted to donate to a headstone. My youngest daughter plans on posting the the memorial fund on Facebook. What do you think? In bad taste, or acceptable?

A headstone is a very different purchase to a holiday. I don't think this is at all tacky.

[viannqueen3]

A headstone is different. I'd donate towards a headstone way before I'd gift towards a honeymoon. I know its becoming more and more common for wedding parties to use the cash for an extravagant honeymoon. That really hasn't been the case within the LDS people I know, mainly because we were all getting married in our early twenties. I do think it's in poor taste to deliver the message the way she did. Planning for a honeymoon is part of the budget BEFORE gifts. If you can't afford it, you change your plans.

[pam]

I would donate for a headstone.

[skippy740]

I would donate a free consultation with a financial planner or consumer credit counselor... because they are going to need money management lessons as a couple. Their priorities are out of whack if they're concerned about a trip and not about having savings, etc., for their 1st year of marriage.

Otherwise, they're eventually going to need to see one of THESE financial planners in their future: https://www.institutedfa.com/

[Anddenex]

It appears I am the odd ball out. I don't see anything tacky about mentioning a goal amount. This is what they need. I think they could have removed the 3 meals and power bars statement. They don't need three meals to survive.

I think it is wonderful what they are planning; although, not very well planned out. Would I donate, probably not, although this is due ot my current financial situation. If I was more financially well off... I believe I would donate -- if they were a friend. If I only know them because they are apart of the same group, probably not.

This will teach them to plan better and hopefully if things don't turn out well that they don't blame each other.

[classylady]

My verdict is that yes it's more common these days for couples to request money versus actual gifts, and depending on the circumstances, it's either tacky or it isn't. I don't think you can use a wide stroke brush to cover everyone. But in this particular instance, I vote, tacky. Sounds like, despite having done some arrangements, they're still quite a bit outside of their "means" if $5,000 is the difference between a hotel/3 meals and a car/power bars. I think $5,000 is a hefty sum to be short on in 2 weeks or less.

Just my thoughts.

I agree. It often depends on the circumstances. When my oldest daughter got married last year, she and her husband married here in the States, but would be living in Asia. They didn't have a way to transport/ship wedding gifts to their home in Korea. On their invitation it was requested "no gifts" since they were unable to take much home with them. But, their invitation did mention that there was going to be a "Wedding Tree". It was up to the guest if they wanted to donate money to the "Wedding Tree". The money they received did not go towards a Honeymoon. Their Honeymoon consisted of one night in Park City at a condo of a family friend.

I'm hoping this wasn't "tacky". We tried to word it in a tasteful manner. They simply couldn't afford to take gifts back with them, plus gifts that would have been electrical wouldn't work over there.

[skippy740]

No, that's not tacky at all. There are extenuating circumstances there. That simple explanation would be all that's needed.

[LilyBelle00]

I agree that it seems tacky. If you are going to do something big like that, you should plan ahead and have the funds saved. I can see the couple letting it be known (tastefully) that they are taking a trip and then letting friends or wedding guests give cash in lieu of presents just to help out on their trip or make it a little more comfortable.

I know a couple who adopted a little boy from Russia last year and they asked for donations to cover the adoption and travel expenses. Some people donated generously and others that it was wrong of them to ask for money. I was on the fence about it. On one hand adoption is a wonderful, beautiful thing and I would fully support it. On the other hand, these people are not short on money and they were taking it from people who had much less. Since the adoption they have taken several vacations and trips. They recently just came back from two weeks in Hawaii...

[Wingnut]

I was thinking about this more again this morning. This couple could just as easily visit Palmyra, Kirtland, and Nauvoo or their honeymoon. It would cost a lot less money, and it's still walking in sacred places, starting their marriage of right (because apparently the rest of us did it wrong), and being in places where the Savior once was.

[Suzie]

I want to start my second honeymoon right. I think a two week trip to Maya Bay beach, Thailand can be a great way to start. We will go to Bangkok first then take a jet to Phuket then catch a ferry to Phi Phi Island and then take a boat trip to Maya Bay.

Oh, the little detail is that we do not have any money but I figured since we want to start our honeymoon right by stopping by the Bangkok Temple to do one session, you guys wouldn't mind to pay for the entire trip. The rest of the days we will spend it in Maya Bay beach because we figured it would be a good place to receive inspiration and we can even read the scriptures in peace.