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Gher2154

I want to serve a mission, but I have relationship problems!

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I just turned in my mission papers and I am anxiously waiting for my call. It’s been a dream of me to serve the Lord but there is one problem in the way. I’ve been dating a beautiful, loving girl in the same faith with me, but she kept something from me. Five months after have been dating, she confessed something to me and I feel stupid for not noticing, or maybe she is just good at hiding it. Well two weeks before she conceived her child, she confessed to me that she was pregnant and expecting. She didn’t tell me this because she thought I would leave her, and I finally gained her trust so she told me. Fortunately I stayed, because I did not want to leave her. Well we named the child Mahonri, as the biblical name of the brother of Jared, and I took him as my own, even though I am not the biological parent. During the time in her hospital, I helped pay expenses since I had a very good job, and I grew to love the adorable thing. I helped take care of it while she went to work, I even begged to keep the little thing over the weekends. The feeling of having Mahonri with me was amazing. But I also want to serve a mission, and I know that it is my obligation. Mahonri is now three months old, but I don’t know if the saying “You can’t go on a mission anymore if you have [broken the law of chastity] and have a baby since you have a family now” still applies to me. I’ve asked for parental advice, but they tell me my obligation is the mission. I want to go, but I can’t leave my girlfriend and her child! I’m too scared to ask church leaders for they will think I am lying and that Mahonri is my biological child. I’m just really torn. The mission, or the family I could have?

Edited by Eowyn

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The child needs a father.  That's your mission if you want to accept that calling.  Marry the girl and live happily ever after.  The end.

 

Bonus advice:  A baby is not a thing.  Nor an it.  Might help you with the fatherhood mission to refer to a child of God as a he or she.

Edited by anatess

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The biological father is an important piece of this puzzle.  Where is he, will he support Mahonri, and what happens if he rekindles a relationship with the mother?  They have a lot in common now (the child) and you can't just airbrush him out of the photo as if he never existed.  Well, you can try, but it's unclear how successful you will be.

 

So let me get this straight: you are afraid to talk to your church leaders for fear they will accuse of you lying and of fathering a child out of wedlock?  What would tempt them to think this?  Is there more to the story?  (If I were them, I'd be more curious about how your girlfriend concealed her pregnancy for so long.)  Anyway, you've got the trump card here.  It's called a paternity test.  If anyone accuses you of lying, you can prove your innocence for a couple hundred bucks.  But I doubt you'll have to prove anything if you approach your bishop in a spirit of humility and truthfulness.

 

Other people here might give you wisps of advice and a few suggestions, but you need to talk to competent authorities who can evaluate this situation and give you the best counseling.  Listen to your parents and maybe all of you go see your bishop, unless there is more to the story that your email didn't discuss.

 

I think you're being very noble, but if I did the math right you've only known the mother for 8 or 9 months.  The worst thing you can do is let your mission call pressure you into making a big decision.  The second worst thing you can do is blow off your parents just because they are urging you to do something that part of you resists.  Your parents know you, and they probably have a lot of battle scars from the school of life.  Ignore them at your peril.

 

If there is no chance the biological father will return, there's no harm in helping your girlfriend understand her legal rights and options.  After you're over that hump, spend some time in deep reflection and prayer deciding whether marriage with her is the best for everyone, not just you, and whether marriage now is better than marriage later.  Get input from your parents and church leaders, and make sure you understand all the consequences of whatever you decide.

 

Finally, you sound like you are unnecessarily torn about a dilemma that doesn't really exist.  If you decide to go on a mission, that won't destroy your chances of having your own family some day.  (In truth, it will probably raise the chances.)  

 

P.S. Even if you don't marry the mother, it doesn't mean you have to say goodbye to them forever.  There are wonderful ways to be part of their lives without marriage.  But my heart smiled when I read about your feelings for the baby.  We should all have fathers with feelings like that.  Godspeed.

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Hi Gher,

 

I think that it is wonderful that you are thinking about being a father to this lovely new little boy that has just recently come from our Heavenly Father.

 

It is indeed a tough decision to make. On the one hand, serving the Lord is a very important obligation, but then so is becoming a father to this amazing little boy.

 

If you are thinking about marriage, and the possibility that this girl is indeed the one for you, then I would prayerfully consider postponing your mission until you are a senior.

 

The first few years in a childs life are critical in establishing bonds, trust, love, and healthy attachment styles that are difficult to 'fix' or change in later life. Heavenly Father has placed this child in your life for a reason. If you truly believe that you are meant to be this lovely little boy's father, then prayerfully take this decision to Heavenly Father and listen carefully for your answer.

 

If the answer is 'yes', then Heavenly Father certainly has a mission planned for you, it just may not be the one you think it is! If the answer is indeed 'yes' then IMHO you now have a beautiful obligation to a lucky girl and an amazing child. I couldn't think of a better mission!

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You need to speak to your bishop, you are not the father and can prove it so no worries there...per handbook 1

Members are not eligible to serve missions if they:

1. Are not worthy as outlined in 4.5.2.

2. Would have to leave dependent children in the care of someone else.

3. Have been members of the Church for less than one year.

4. Are in debt and have not made definite arrangements to meet their obligations.

5. Are on legal probation or parole.

6. Are HIV positive.

7. Have been convicted of sexual abuse.

Not your kid, not your dependent. Don't ruin your life go on a mission and if you come back and still feel the same way, well make an honest woman out of her.....

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The child needs a father. That's your mission if you want to accept that calling. Marry the girl and live happily ever after. The end.

Bonus advice: A baby is not a thing. Nor an it. Might help you with the fatherhood mission to refer to a child of God as a he or she.

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Hi Gher,

 

Mission.

 

Father and husband.

 

Pick one.  Choose wisely.  Live with the consequences of your choice.  Welcome to adulthood.  These are the decisions grown-ups make.

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You are not the childs dad.  You need to serve your mission.  See life a little bit.  One way or another these things work out.  She may wait for you while you are away, and she might not.  Seek not your will, but the Lords will.  You are young, and are picking up a burden you might not fully understand if you do not go on your mission.  

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I just turned in my mission papers and I am anxiously waiting for my call. It’s been a dream of me to serve the Lord but there is one problem in the way. I’ve been dating a beautiful, loving girl in the same faith with me, but she kept something from me. Five months after have been dating, she confessed something to me and I feel stupid for not noticing, or maybe she is just good at hiding it. Well two weeks before she conceived her child, she confessed to me that she was pregnant and expecting. She didn’t tell me this because she thought I would leave her, and I finally gained her trust so she told me. Fortunately I stayed, because I did not want to leave her. Well we named the child Mahonri, as the biblical name of the brother of Jared, and I took him as my own, even though I am not the biological parent. During the time in her hospital, I helped pay expenses since I had a very good job, and I grew to love the adorable thing. I helped take care of it while she went to work, I even begged to keep the little thing over the weekends. The feeling of having Mahonri with me was amazing. But I also want to serve a mission, and I know that it is my obligation. Mahonri is now three months old, but I don’t know if the saying “You can’t go on a mission anymore if you have [broken the law of chastity] and have a baby since you have a family now” still applies to me. I’ve asked for parental advice, but they tell me my obligation is the mission. I want to go, but I can’t leave my girlfriend and her child! I’m too scared to ask church leaders for they will think I am lying and that Mahonri is my biological child. I’m just really torn. The mission, or the family I could have?

I want to tread lightly here...is this your child? If so the Church will never let you go on a mission and if your child, you are his father. If it is not your child and you are worthy, seek out God with prayer and fasting. I was adopted by my step-father because my bio-father left my mother and three children, turns out he married another woman and had a child by her while still married to my mother. We were left alone and eventually homeless for a time. I married a young woman (we were same age) who had a child, I adopted her and gave her my name as my step-father (my real father) did for me. His good example gave me thee courage to do the same. Now I have five grandchildren through my daughter. I do not call her my adopted daughter, because she has been my daughter for 39 of her 40 years...and she could no more be mine than if I had given birth to her myself. Do the right thing according to the right thing as led by God and do so with faith.

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Consult and pray, my friend. Consult and pray.

 

My immediate uninformed opinion is, if you feel you can spend forever with this girl, to marry her and raise that baby. But that's a huge commitment to a child that isn't yours. A wonderful commitment, yes, but a biggie. Be sure this is what you want to do.

 

If you do go down that family route, I advise the two of you to get counseling first. While it would be great for this little guy to have two parents, it would be even greater if he could trust those two parents to stay together.

 

Once again, marrying this girl would be a very, very big commitment.

 

Also, what does your girlfriend want? Not saying she should be making the final decision on your choice, but would she be willing to marry you? Because if you skip your mission to take care of this family, you need to make it an official family. Do not hang around helping to babysit.

 

A mission is a big deal, even a commandment. I daresay fatherhood is even more important. But let's make each choice as good as it can be.

 

Marriage (no babysitting or being a good friend, but rings on the fingers) or Mission.

 

Do not skip a mission just so you can play with the baby. If you're skipping your mission, make this family thing official. Making a family is serious business.

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Sorry I don't have time right now to read all the other posts...but, my first thought is... The baby already has a father. He may not be in the picture right now. But, at some point in the babies life, the father will appear and possibly want custody. Maybe even want a paternity test to prove the baby is his and want the baby to have his last name.

 

Are you willing to give up your Mission for a child that is not yours and maybe have the father come into the picture? Also, what if he does reappear and your girlfriend and the bio father could decide to get back together?

 

You are trying to take on a HUGE responsibility. Are you prepared for that? Education... job... security for the mother and child and maybe more children to come? A chance of it all blowing up and you end up with no girlfriend, no baby, and no mission!

 

I pray you really think this out. Pray like you've never prayed before. I actually feel a little afraid for you. I pray all things come out good for you.

 

Just my thoughts.

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One more thought: are you Considering staying for the baby's sake or your girlfriend's? Marrying requires you want to be with this girl forever, not a baby that isn't biologically yours. Do not make this decision solely on what's best for the baby as you have no real obligation there.

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I will second the praying situation. Although most members vehemently insist that a mission is what to do, as of yet it remains a personal decision. Ponder it in your head, pray sincerely about it, and follow the promptings/feelings you receive with respect to the situation. Also, it seems from the post that you may have already decided. Pray to see if that decision is what you should do...it's easier for a yes/no response.

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Read your Patriarchal Blessing if you have it, talk to your Branch President or Bishop of the situation and remember that you will still be able to serve a Senior Mission (about 60 years from now) if you decide to marry her and adopt little Mahonri as your own child.

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