Is it fair to ask a person to change?

[Litzy]

No real personal story behind this, just a conversation with a friend that got me thinking.

 

If you're having problems in a relationship that you feel could be helped to some degree by the other person just changing, is it fair or right to ask them to make changes? Not demand, not threaten, just ask.

[Guest]

Of course!

That's what the entire gospel is about... asking people to change!

[NightSG]

If you're having problems in a relationship that you feel could be helped to some degree by the other person just changing, is it fair or right to ask them to make changes? Not demand, not threaten, just ask.

 

Ask, absolutely.  Clearly but gently state the reasons why you feel the need to ask.

 

Pester or demand only to change behavior that directly harms you.

[pkstpaul]

Yes. If like me, I will be stubborn and now want to change and even get defensive. But, I will examine the points of the argument and likely eventually conceed to change.

[davidstarfall]

Well.. obviously God asks us to change.. so.. its unlikely to be inherently wrong or unfair.. but God can kill people too, so that's probably not the best example.

I'd say that it can be perfectly reasonable and potentially really good for a relationship of any type to request that a person make changes. Ofttimes these changes may be made in exchange in some sort of compromise, so it can help if you volunteer to make comparable changes yourself (meaning.. ask them if there is anything you can change about yourself that may be beneficial for them in the relationship).

This applies to small changes as well as large, or even changes that are somewhat arbitrary. For example.. it is not uncommon for wives to ask their husbands to leave the toilet seat down. Is it unreasonable to expect the husband to put it down when they are done? No. Is it unreasonable to expect the wife to put it down themselves before they use it? No. But ofttimes wives ask husbands to take the responsibility for the change in seat alignment. And this regularly involves a request in a change of the behavior.

 

Now.. whether it is fair or unfair.. is highly subjective. I suppose it depends on how the situation is handled.

Here is a great article I found on the subject.
http://www.sunnyskyz.com/blog.php?blogid=610/I-Wasn-t-Treating-My-Husband-Fairly-And-It-Wasn-t-Fair
This article talks specifically about a marriage relationship, but I think it can apply to any sort of relationship.

[Bini]

Asking for change is acceptable depending on circumstance. If you verbalise a concern or need to your partner, in hopes of change for a better quality of life, I think that's acceptable. Things become a little more tricky when you ask someone to change merely because you have. The big key factor, though, is how you approach and address an issue. I think with direct but gentle words, a resolve can almost always be had.

[Latter-Day Marriage]

No real personal story behind this, just a conversation with a friend that got me thinking.

 

If you're having problems in a relationship that you feel could be helped to some degree by the other person just changing, is it fair or right to ask them to make changes? Not demand, not threaten, just ask.

 

Yes, I don't know how a married couple could get past the first month without that happening.  Why you ask, and how you ask are important though.  A husband and wife should serve each other, but they have to each teach the other how best to do that, and each has to be charitable towards the limitations the other has, and work on their own limitations.

[kapikui]

I would say it depends on the person, the nature of the change being requested, and the relationship.  

 

You need to stop doing drugs.

You need to change the part in your hair.

 

Both of these are pretty fair.  One is a big deal that is destructive to everyone around.  The other is small enough that it shouldn't generally a big deal.

 

You need to lose weight. 

 

This might or might not be fair.  You need to lose weight even though you aren't particularly fat because I like a skinny boy/girlfriend/husband/wife.  You need to lose weight because the doctor said that if you didn't you were going to die. The first is shallow, the second is kind of a good idea.

 

I had a cousin who got married (prenuptual pregnancy was involved).  He liked video games.  His wife-to-be was informing everyone that he was no longer going to like video games and his new hobby was scrapbooking.   This is an example of something that wouldn't be fair.   Of course he's still into video games.

 

Then the relationship aspect. A spouse or parent has a bit more of a right to make right to make a request for a change than a friend or an acquittance.

 

The question as stated is a bit too vague to give a meaningful yes or no answer.

[james12]

You can certainly ask. But don't base your happiness on whether they change or not. If you do you will be utterly miserable. 

[Backroads]

Placing the relationship above the individuals, I do think it's an okay thing.

[David13]

Yes, it's ok.

People can change.  They sometimes do.

Asking maybe they won't change.  But try it.  Maybe they will.  Maybe not right away.  Maybe they need to think and get ready to adjust, then change.

Don't ask for too much change, tho'.  You cannot expect a person to turn into someone else.

Love and acceptance are the key.

dc

Edited April 25, 2015 by David13

[Just_A_Guy]

A man goes into a marriage thinking his wife won't change--and then she does.

A woman goes into a marriage thinking her husband will change--and then he doesn't.

[NeuroTypical]

 

If you're having problems in a relationship that you feel could be helped to some degree by the other person just changing, is it fair or right to ask them to make changes? Not demand, not threaten, just ask.

 

Yeah maybe.  But it's important to remember that if you put 100 people in a room who think that, 84 of them would better serve the marriage by changing themselves first, before saying anything.

[Guest MormonGator]

No real personal story behind this, just a conversation with a friend that got me thinking.

 

If you're having problems in a relationship that you feel could be helped to some degree by the other person just changing, is it fair or right to ask them to make changes? Not demand, not threaten, just ask.

Yes, of course it is. Marriage should be about two people who can change and adapt. After all, both my wife and I changed drastically since we've been married. We left the church we were both raised in (in fairness, we were never ardent believers) and become LDS. 

Edited April 27, 2015 by MormonGator

[Vort]

A man goes into a marriage thinking his wife won't change--and then she does.

A woman goes into a marriage thinking her husband will change--and then he doesn't.

 

It's an old joke, but with a kernel of truth.

[NightSG]

It's an old joke, but with a kernel of truth.

 

It's pretty much exactly what happened to my marriage.  My ex even made the complaint in court that I hadn't changed like she expected me to.

[Guest MormonGator]

It's pretty much exactly what happened to my marriage.  My ex even made the complaint in court that I hadn't changed like she expected me to.

I know what you mean. An ex girlfriend (dodged a major bullet by not upgrading her to wife status) said once "Wow, you've changed since we started dating." I said to her "You haven't. It's called growth." 

 

And it was. I gave up a lot of bad habits and she stayed right in that path. it's a tragic case, really. 

[David13]

It's pretty much exactly what happened to my marriage.  My ex even made the complaint in court that I hadn't changed like she expected me to.

I really regret not representing you there.  I have had clients say some good lines, but that one, well there should be some type of award for that one.

dc

[NightSG]

I really regret not representing you there.  I have had clients say some good lines, but that one, well there should be some type of award for that one.

 

There probably could have been - literally.  The judge stared at her for a bit, then turned to me and asked if I was sure I didn't want more than I was asking for.

[thomascrawford]

Definitely demanding or threatening will never change the person. But yes if the need of change is geninue then you can explain it to the person by proper communication may be that will work out in a better way for sure . This will happen only in case the person understands what you are trying to communicate and he also feels the same then may be the change is possible.You can also take some counselling with the help of West Palm Beach Attorney professional lawyers , I guess they can really help you in guiding properly , check this out for more information . I hope this helps you...

Edited June 25, 2015 by thomascrawford

[The Folk Prophet]

It depends on the change expected I think. There is a time and a place, I think, even in a marriage to throw down a "knock it off or else" sort of line in the sand. For the most part though, forgiveness, understanding, long-suffering, etc., is the better way to a good marriage.

[Guest MormonGator]

Yes, it's totally fair. 

 

GirlGator and I changed religions from Catholic to LDS. It's been such a blessing in so many ways we both wish we converted years before. 

 

You have to be open minded in a marriage and willing to adapt and change or else you are in for a very difficult life. 

[Vort]

No real personal story behind this, just a conversation with a friend that got me thinking.

 

If you're having problems in a relationship that you feel could be helped to some degree by the other person just changing, is it fair or right to ask them to make changes? Not demand, not threaten, just ask.

 

Sure, I think it's fair. But I also think it's fair for the other person to refuse, and/or to ask changes from you in return.