New Bishop

[kbmamabear]

Hello,

 

First of all, I  want to say that I appreciate that bishops are people who make mistakes like anyone else, also I understand that we have ward boundaries for a reason.

 

Background: We moved into our ward 2 years ago, and my husband was having trouble finding a job when we first arrived. We were very blessed that the 2nd counselor had a job opening where he was a manager. After my husband worked for him for a few months we began to see a different side of this counselor. He became unrealistically demanding of my husbands time, and very rude and degrading to him overall. I know this isn't in my husbands head, because I have seen it happen. This made us feel uncomfortable in our ward, but we weren't going to let one person affect our attendance.

 

Throughout the 2 years we have also struggled with our ward, feeling left out and just overall not feeling wanted. However, we have continued to attend because we are not there for our ward, we are there for God and for ourselves. This Sunday, that counselor who hired my husband 2 years ago was appointed bishop.

 

I am personally struggling with this. Not because I don't want him to be bishop, like I said I know that we are all humans and make mistakes, but we already felt very uncomfortable in our ward and I feel like this kind of pushed us over the edge a bit. I would really like to begin attending the other ward in our building, we have been considering this for over a year now, in hopes that we would find a home there. I feel like we have tried our best to make this ward work, but we really haven't found a resolution yet.

 

Is it wrong to try to switch wards? Especially having the final straw being a new bishop? Ultimately I want to do what is right, but I feel like I'm in kind of a grey area. We wouldn't be leaving due to a disagreement with the church, or with any feelings of hate involved, we just need a good, supportive ward. What do you think? Is going to another ward wrong?

[Guest MormonGator]

1) Caveat-I've only been in the church for two years, so I'm no expert. I'm sure other people will give you better advice. 

 

2) My heart breaks for your situation. I've been very blessed, I've only had wonderful bishops-I can't relate. 

 

I think it's fine if you find another ward. Have you thought about bringing the matter up to your stake president? 

 

If I had a problem with my bishop like you did, I wouldn't ask permission, I'd just start attending another ward. You are way more polite than I am! 

Edited September 9, 2015 by MormonGator

[RMGuy]

First, I am sorry to hear that you are not comfortable in your own ward.  

 

To answer your question about switching wards there are a couple of things that you should consider.  

If you are asking my personal opinion, by all means, go ahead and switch wards.  I have never understood the rationale behind assigning individuals to attend a particular building at a particular time simply based on how they fall within some arbitrary geographical boundary, but I should hasten to add THAT IS JUST ME.   

 

Officially the church sees it quite differently.  While nothing prohibits you from walking in and taking the sacrament in any ward that you choose, my understanding is that to officially switch wards requires not just the approval of the bishop or even stake president but rather a request on your behalf from the stake presidency to the first presidency of the church.  

 

Alternately, you can move your residence to the new ward.  

 

Here is an article about a new church leader that you might find of interest...it is from 1980, but may be helpful nonetheless.

https://www.lds.org/ensign/1980/10/these-people-shall-be-my-people-on-changing-wards?lang=eng

[Jane_Doe]

If the difficulty is rooted in your husband working for the counselor/now-bishop, I would look at--

1) can husband look for a new job or transfer to a new supervisor (as you would do whenever dealing with a crummy boss).

2) Separate work, church, and personal-- and build those boundries of steel.  If he's off the clock, then no work stuff. If he's home now, then its home time and not church duties.  Don't let work ruin the rest of your life.  

 

As to not feeling welcomed or at home in your ward, I'm going to preface this by saying I have lived in 25 different wards in the last 12 years.  I also have a... 'odd' personality that doesn't fit into social norms.  

 

So, my solution to not welcomed or at home in a ward:

* I quit waiting for an invitation

* kick down the door,

* And MAKE myself at home!  

I am here at church to learn about God, don't need to worry about whatever imaginary social feathers I might be ruffling.  

Edited September 9, 2015 by Jane_Doe

[NeuroTypical]

My wife tells a story from growing up in a rather clique-ish ward.  A guy moved into the ward, and most people got to know him, as he got in a car accident with another ward member and immediately sued them.  He didn't seem the friendliest sort.

 

They made him bishop a month later.  The entire ward groaned.

 

However, as my wife relates the story, dood went the extra mile to make amends, reach out, and try to connect with people.  Within a few years, the ward was closer than it had ever been.

 

Your mileage may vary, but being asked to be bishop can motivate people to change.  And in some cases, God might have a direct hand in things.

[Jane_Doe]

I have never understood the rationale behind assigning individuals to attend a particular building at a particular time simply based on how they fall within some arbitrary geographical boundary, but I should hasten to add THAT IS JUST ME.   

 

 

 

I have lived in areas where ward boundaries are defined by drainage pipes, telephone wires, and just imaginary lines with no relation to reality.

 

And I will testify that boundaries are absolutely critical. 

 

I have attended many churches where people just pick where they go to church, or what service time.  And instantly the social demographics stratify: the old people go to the morning service, the teenagers to the last one, the politically liberal go to this church, the rich people go here etc.  And that is not how it should be at all!

 

Boundaries are anything but arbitrary: they carefully and prayerfully designed so that the old are there to mentor the young, the rich to support the poor, humble to guide the prideful, the political views to all put together, and neighbor with neighbor. 

 

If you don’t “fit into” your ward, then you are there to make a difference and open your ward up to the wonderful diversity in the kingdom. 

[omegaseamaster75]

1. Boundaries are set for this very reason, so people don't church shop. We are here to build a community and if people go where they "Feel" better we will fail.

 

2. You have options with the work/church relationship. 

• You need to separate church and state, At church he is the bishop at work he is the boss, those boundaries don't cross, if he is hard on your husband he may be hard on all his employees, that is his management style. Don't drag those hard feeling around with you. If he doesn't like it he can quit. 
• You can find another job, people expect others to conform to them they don't want to change their situation 
• You can move, figure out the ward boundaries and move out of your ward, not to hard, Again you need to make the change

Just attending another ward is going to cause nothing but problems. When you want a temple recommend, how you pay your tithing, callings, etc, etc.

[Guest MormonGator]

1. Boundaries are set for this very reason, so people don't church shop. We are here to build a community and if people go where they "Feel" better we will fail.

 

2. You have options with the work/church relationship. 

• You need to separate church and state, At church he is the bishop at work he is the boss, those boundaries don't cross, if he is hard on your husband he may be hard on all his employees, that is his management style. Don't drag those hard feeling around with you. If he doesn't like it he can quit. 
• You can find another job, people expect others to conform to them they don't want to change their situation 
• You can move, figure out the ward boundaries and move out of your ward, not to hard, Again you need to make the change

Just attending another ward is going to cause nothing but problems. When you want a temple recommend, how you pay your tithing, callings, etc, etc.

 I totally get what you are saying, but my concern is people will stop going to church altogether. I'd rather you go to church at a ward you feel comfortable with if you can't resolve the problem.

 

Not arguing, just saying. 

Edited September 9, 2015 by MormonGator

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

My thoughts as I read your post (sorry you're going through this)....we know that this life is a place for us to learn and grow..sometimes the experiences that bring about this growth are painful.

Even knowing this we expect that our church experience will be our buffer from the world, our safe haven, our home. But unfortunately, just as some children are not safe in their own homes, some experience pain in and because of their wards.

It is especially difficult when that pain comes from leaders and you can't help but wonder why the Lord called this person (or IF the Lord called this person). These things are hard. This life is hard.

All that said, I don't think you should attend a different ward. You are the bush, and the Lord is the Gardner. Pray for His help to experience the growth that can come through this.

Hopefully you can pass through this period relatively unscathed with few frustrating or questionable experiences with your Bishop. But if issues do arise take them to the Lord, honestly share your feelings, and if it becomes necessary talk to your Stake President.

Remember also, the Lord is trying to refine your Bishop too. None of us wants that process to fail. The more frustrating your Bishop is to you the more he NEEDS your prayers, charity and forgiveness.

Even though your post was short, I got a good feeling about YOU from it. You are up to this challenge.

Edited September 9, 2015 by LiterateParakeet

[pkstpaul]

You might be surprised with your new bishop.

 

I worked with a former bishop and stake high councilor who was a complete boob at work. When I worked with him in his calling, he was a star. I was amazed because he worked for me and I wished he could perform with the same confidence at work.

 

As for being comfortable in the ward, I suggest reaching out more. Befriend a young couple that could use a baby sitter to go to the temple. Invite a couple over for dinner or a shared family home evening. It will break down some of those barriers.

[Guest MormonGator]

 

 

As for being comfortable in the ward, I suggest reaching out more. Befriend a young couple that could use a baby sitter to go to the temple. Invite a couple over for dinner or a shared family home evening. It will break down some of those barriers.

In fairness to the OP, we could all be warmer to new people in our ward. I know I could. It's not just on them. In fact, quite the opposite. The burden should be on US to show them how we welcome everyone. Let's invite her family to our family home evenings or something.  

 

When I joined my ward the place was amazing, I mean jaw dropping. Everyone was so full of love and warmth that LadyGator and I still talk about it two years later.  My wife and I look different-we have tattoos, I have my ear pierced and I have shoulder length gorgeous blonde hair (I'm humble too) . No one cared. They treated me like I was a thirty year member. I'm still blown away by it.

 

Again everyone, I am NOT trying to be rude, just giving a new converts POV. Please don't take offense. 

Edited September 9, 2015 by MormonGator

[Josiah]

I hate hearing about these situations, and I'm sorry your going through it. Having said that, I'd stick it out in your current ward. Maybe a new family will come in and you'll be the ones that need to be there to make them feel welcome. Maybe you need to learn something from having him as a bishop. Maybe he needs to learn something from you.

 

I don't know why you're there, but knowing what little I know about God, there are probably quite a few good reasons. All the above aside, it's certainly worth praying about, and possibly talking to the stake president about depending on how your new bishop turns out to be as your bishop.

[thoughts]

You need to go to him and tell him about your ill feelings towards him for how he hurt you.   Ask him to be sure not to do those things again.   Then, if he continues doing that sort of thing, then you should report it to the SP.   But don't leave the ward ---- imagine it like this:  teh ward needs you so badly precisely because He called the demeaning bully as bishop.  He needs you to be able to go to him and clearly tell him how bad actions are perceived, and help him learn how to do it differently.

 

And God needs you to forgive the guy (not because of the guy, but because your feelings are still causing you so much pain you'd consider attending another ward to avoid him).   You cannot do that if you move out.   God set up the church so that people had to learn to grow by working things out with each other.

 

It is possible that after two years, the man has grown and is no longer what you perceived him to be.   But at least it should mean neither you nor your dh will ever be called to something that will take a lot of your time:)

 

BTW, even if you attend another ward, he will still be your bishop, and you will still need to go to himi for your TR and tithing.  You won't be able to have a calling in the other ward unless you can persuade your bishop, the SP and, if you  are in Utah, apparently the First Presidency, that God wants you to change wards.

[clwnuke]

In my experience, there are some men who would be great Bishops who are never called, and some men who should never be Bishops who are called. Our responsibility to the Lord is to help all of them succeed in serving His children.

 

When I was a very young Elders Quorum President, someone in the ward went to the Bishop to complain about my style of leadership. I found out about it, and when the Bishop called me in to talk about it I felt terrible. A very wise Bishop looked at me and simply said "Welcome to Church leadership!"

 

The Church has an order for things. In the absence of any exceptional need your request to change wards is not likely to be granted by the Stake President, but there is no wrong is discussing the matter with him. Good luck!

Edited September 11, 2015 by clwnuke

[Iggy]

  My wife and I look different-we have tattoos, I have my ear pierced and I have shoulder length gorgeous blonde hair (I'm humble too) . No one cared. They treated me like I was a thirty year member. I'm still blown away by it.

 My sisters Ward is Newly Married - Nearly Dead aka seniors, empty nesters and the the newly married. This also includes those who live near the University of Washington. One young couple, new converts of barely a year were quite different. They wore mostly black, dark purple clothing. She wore tie up the calves heavy soled black boots and the only splash of color would be a beanie/railroad/or short brimmed hat and or a scarf in wild colors. He only wore black. Oh, and she never wore a dress or a skirt. They were pierced: one on the side of the nose, both eyebrows, and from the lobes of their ears and then marching up the side of each ear. They wore rings on every finger too. You never knew what color hair they would have and they both had *butchered* cuts. They just took a swath of hair and cut it to whatever length struck them - all over their heads. Not a swath would be the same length. 

 

The first time I saw them was a week before Christmas and they were wearing a tree light bulb fashioned into an earring. Different color to each ear. 

 

My sister said, after introducing them to me and they had gone in to sit in the Chapel: They dance to the same drummer and the same tune, as us - just a bit different beat.

 

When they had their first child, the face jewelry came out and by the time their third baby was born so had all the extra ear jewelry. My sister says their still wear the same style clothes and the beat of their *music* hasn't changed at all. They moved into the *Family* ward in the same Stake when baby #1 was ready for Nursery.

 

Our Branch has several members who also * Dance* to the same drummer, yet their *beat* is different than the norm. As soon as I can find a seamstress - my *beat* is going to change a wee bit too. I will forgo the dresses and skirts of the *normal* woman and start wearing super wide legged slacks. I am so very tired of the cold wind often times mixed with rain, blowing up my skirts - no matter that the hem length reaches my ankles! 

[Iggy]

To the OP: In my opinion, give him a year at least. Sustain his calling always. Then if you still feel the same, go to him and ask permission to go to a different ward. Your reasons could be simply stated that it is too awkward separating him as Bishop from him as supervisor. 

 

On a side note; I had a very difficult boss to work for. When she found out that I was LDS she made working for her a misery. Before I left her employ, I prayed every morning for the strength to go to work. For the banishment of the adversary, for her heart to be softened and for the PATIENCE that the Lord knew I needed to deal with my boss. She was a good woman, a superb business woman. She just had they typical skewed view of the LDS Church. 

 

I was on the lookout for a new job, and a year later when the opportunity presented itself I gave her my notice and when she asked why I was leaving I was soooo tempted to NOT tell her that her personal attitude regarding my faith was the reason. I told her. She was stunned to say the least. I also told her that had she left her personal feelings about my church outside the doors of work like I had asked her to shortly after I came back to the LDS faith, then I would never have looked for a different job. She asked me what would it take to keep me there? Keep your anti-LDS barbs out of the work place. Well she said: That is who I am. I went on to my new job. 

 

Back to topic: Husband and I quit going to church after a new bishop gave us grief when we were in the process of removing Husbands mother from a degrading and unhealthy home situation. She had Alzheimer's, and lived in another Ward's boundaries. We went to our bishop for help. He was extremely rude to us.

 

In hind sight, we should have gone to the Stake President. He would have gently explained that Mom's bishop is who we should be going to. He has the stewardship. We used our tithing amount to pay to get Mom a Dr., clothes and the plane ticket to middle brothers home so he could be her caregiver. If we hadn't of used that money, we would have had to go get a loan.

 

Then husbands hours at work changed making it impossible for him to go to our assigned ward. Because of our Bishops cold attitude towards us, we just stayed away. We went to the Ward, whose hours coincided with our work hours, but we really didn't feel welcomed at all.  

 

Again, in hindsight ~ we should have prayerfully & humbly gone to our bishop and expressed our feelings. 

 

I did that here with the last Branch President we had. I felt a lot of animosity from him. So rather than let that feeling fester I went to him. He claimed that he wasn't against or hostile against/to me. His actions and words continued to be the same towards me. BUT because I constantly included him in my prayers, and asked Father to soften my heart towards my Branch President, his crappy attitude no longer affected me. I continued to sustain him in his calling. 

 

There was no way, either Hubby or I was going to let a socially inept Branch President chase us away from attending in our assigned meetinghouse.