How long is too long to date a Mormon guy?

[Guest]

The question just as posed, in your opinion. As in, what amount of time would you definitively put into the statement, "If you've been dating for  _____________ years and he's still 'not ready', he has no intention of getting married."

[Guest MormonGator]

Depends on the age. At eighteen you need more time than thirty five. I'd say at least two years.

[Guest]

Totally hypothetically (cough), around 30.

[Guest MormonGator]

2 minutes ago, Eowyn said:

Totally hypothetically (cough), around 30.

Two years or so. This isn't the 1800's where you lived until 55. Like the Stones say, time is on your side. 

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

Two years or so. This isn't the 1800's where you lived until 55. Like the Stones say, time is on your side. 

Unless you have ovaries.

[Guest MormonGator]

1 minute ago, Eowyn said:

Unless you have ovaries.

Lol. Thirty is still pretty young. Outside the LDS world women are having babies later and later and it's turning out fine. Not an insult, demographic statement. I've noticed that families are started earlier in religious communities than secular ones. Again, not an insult. 

[Guest]

It's true. But biologically, a woman's fertility starts a quick decline at 35. If you want more than one or two kids, 30 starts to feel pretty old. 

[David13]

I'd say two years.

If somebody doesn't know what's going on after two years, I definitely think it's time to look elsewhere.

Two years in a relationship is a long time, long enough to find out everything.

dc

[Jane_Doe]

Recapping the hypothetical situation:  You (girl) are dating this guy for two years, you really like him and want to get married, but he's still unsure whether or not he feels "ready"?  (Did I get that right?)

In general, I would say that if after two years a couple has a very serious life-goal mismatch... it's time to sit down and have a serious conversation about things.  Why does he feel not "ready"?  

If he's not "ready"  because he's playing Peter Pan, then that's a mega problem.  

If he's not "ready" because (hypothetical situation here) in that two years he's heard the gospel, seriously pondered before converting, worked on his porn addiction, gotten baptized, and generally become a whole new reborn, and still metamorphosing in order to be sealed to you. Then I think two years is far from a "too long". 

[Just_A_Guy]

If he's serious about getting married, he won't be wanting to waste time either; and one year from first date should be plenty of time for him to make up his mind.  (You won't necessarily be married by then; but IMHO you should at least have a ring.)   Much more than that, and chances are that he doesn't really want a wife.  He wants a long-term girlfriend. 

I can see exceptions, perhaps, if he's been badly hurt in a prior relationship, or if you spent a significant part of the one-year period apart--in that case, you may need to give him a couple more months.  But now that I'm on the wrong side of 35, my twenties seem like an awfully short span and just one of those years would seem like a very long time to have spent stringing a gal along who didn't turn out to be "the one".)

(FWIW, Just_A_Girl and I met in September, started dating in October, spent May - August doing the long-distance-relationship thing, and got engaged in September.  And pretty much everyone we knew thought we were taking an inordinate amount of time.  Ah, those Provo courtships . . . )

Edited June 3, 2016 by Just_A_Guy

[Guest]

It depends on the reason.  It is always a good idea to have a long courtship so you can really get to know the person.  But if it is apparent that the path is set, but he's just "not ready".  Then he's just not going to be ready.

Mrs. Carb and I met in February. She had sworn off men for the foreseeable future.  I worked on her until some time in March when I gave up.  Then she started chasing me.  So we decided to be a couple by April.  We started talking about marriage in a couple weeks.  By June we were officially engaged.  We married in November.  

One of the things that got us to really appreciate that we were right for one another is that we both independently kept a book of quotes.  When we brought them together, it was amazing how many of them overlapped.  And we found that we really liked/disliked or agreed/disagreed with a lot of the same quotes.  So, our values were the same.  Many think that just because you're both LDS that it means we have the same values.  Not true.  The many varieties of LDS based websites is a refutation of such an idea.

While I was not as good at staying true to some values, I at least had them as a goal.  And I was working towards the same things she was working towards.  If you don't have the same values, it's time to cut bait.

While she had some issues with me, I've never been disappointed in her.

Edited June 3, 2016 by Guest

[Backroads]

I will also say 2 years. About that year to 18 months things really ought to be getting settled.

[Guest]

A good point was made that there could be issues I'm not aware of. The ones I do know about should have been gotten over or resolved by now (because they were silly, and plenty of experience has proven the worries wrong). Three-ish years, no separation; in fact month after happy month spending lots of time together. At this point I'm getting quite annoyed at the hypothetical guy who seems to be taking no thought to the hypothetical girl's feelings, and the hypothetical girl for standing for it. 

[mirkwood]

3 hours ago, Eowyn said:

Totally hypothetically (cough), around 30.

Uhhhh....does Aragorn know about all this?

[Sunday21]

8 hours ago, Eowyn said:

Totally hypothetically (cough), around 30.

Oh...come on! Tell us! I would say over a year. But pray about it first and fast (if doctor says you can)...and of course tell your friends every little detail!

[LeSellers]

6 hours ago, mirkwood said:

Uhhhh....does Aragorn know about all this?

Why would he care (beyond Ithillien's being part of his domain)? Eomer and Faramir, on the other hand, have personal interest, the latter even more than the former.

Lehi (who just listened to the BBC radio play on the way home from Nauvoo a couple of days ago)

[Guest]

6 hours ago, mirkwood said:

Uhhhh....does Aragorn know about all this?

I believe you mean Faramir.

Edited June 3, 2016 by Guest

[Backroads]

Hypothetical guy best put a ring on it, if he likes it.

[Jamie123]

1 hour ago, Carborendum said:

I believe you mean Faramir.

Two things I have in common with a lot of Mormons which not many other people share with me:

• An obsession with the minutiae of Tolkien's Middle-earth
• A love of "Rush"

I always wonder why I feel at home here :)

Edited June 3, 2016 by Jamie123

[anatess2]

And that's why I am of the opinion that dating is silly.

Have tons of friends!  Get to know all of them.  At the same time.  Be close to them.  Do stuff with them.  The person that you'll want to marry will bubble up to the top and want to marry you too!  Then you haven't wasted your time getting to know only one person that is a dud while all the others stay at five arms length because you're now "taken".

The only difference between dating and close friends is that the date can french kiss you.  In my opinion, that's just asking for trouble.

Edited June 3, 2016 by anatess2

[Traveler]

13 hours ago, Eowyn said:

The question just as posed, in your opinion. As in, what amount of time would you definitively put into the statement, "If you've been dating for  _____________ years and he's still 'not ready', he has no intention of getting married."

 

A few years ago I enjoyed listening to Dr. Laura on the radio – mostly because I thought the callers provided comic relief for me.   I liked Dr. Laura because I found her answers based in logic rather than emotions or feelings.  Back when I was single, I considered myself a world class dater.  I believed that dating, first and foremost needs to be fun and enjoyable – for both involved.  I discovered that if I concentrated and focused on my date having a good time (best ever date for her) – most likely I would enjoy the date.  If I focused on me having a good time that dating became a chore and a waste of time.

I also had goals and purpose in dating.  The purposes and goals were not the same and would be different for each lady I dated.  Mostly I intended to have an impact in their lives - I also expected them to have an impact in my life.  Dr Laura would refer to this exchange of impact as well suited or something like that.  In LDS circles the term is being equally yoked.  In other words; do we work together well or is one trying to nudge the other in a direction they did not intend to ever go.  As a side note – to this day I still date my wife with all the intent and purpose that I did when we first met – but my goals have changed over the years.  The most difficult part for me is having anywhere near the impact in her life that she positively has in mine.

If I was ready to marry and dating someone that was taking their time – it would not be the end of the world.  But for sure I would be making every effort to expand my options.  I would be more focused on finding someone new than I would be in trying to drag someone resting where I intended our dating to go.  I would not hide my intent and if asked I would answer in full honesty that as far as I was concerned the relationship was temporary but as fun and enjoyable as I could make it.  When I found someone more suited and a better compliment – the previous relationship would be done and I would leave them (maybe even with a friendly kiss good by) to find someone more suitable to their purposes and happiness.

 

The Traveler

[Guest]

9 hours ago, mirkwood said:

Uhhhh....does Aragorn know about all this?

He was so hung up on pouty-lip elfy-pants that he never gave me the time of day. Now that's a girl who's dumb enough to wait 80 years or something for her brooding ranger to come around. 

I ended up with the better man, anyway. At least in the books. The movies never did him justice.

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Carborendum said:

I believe you mean Faramir.

Correct. He hardly ever posts here but we've discussed the topic in the OP at length. Naturally, we are close to the hypothetical female in this situation.

[mordorbund]

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

Quote

This is why we need arranged marriages.

 

[tesuji]

13 hours ago, Eowyn said:

The question just as posed, in your opinion. As in, what amount of time would you definitively put into the statement, "If you've been dating for  _____________ years and he's still 'not ready', he has no intention of getting married."

I would say that if a woman wants to get married and the guy doesn't, then now is the time to move on.

If the guy wants to theoretically be married but is having trouble getting to that point, then it's a harder call. In that case I would say the woman should decide how long she wants to wait for him to get his act together. And give him some deadlines, ultimatums, or something to let him know that she won't wait forever. 

I have been that guy who "wants to theoretically be married but is having trouble getting to that point." Pray for that guy, that he will achieve the growth and courage he needs.

 

Edited June 3, 2016 by tesuji