what consequence is there if I tell?

[jewels8]

A few years ago, a married man in my ward started paying attention to me.   I am friends with his wife.   He would stare at me in the halls when no one was around.  Not really necessarily creepy, he would look in my eyes.  Sometimes I wondered if it was judgemental or just trying to figure out something about me.  It was usually a look I couldn't fully comprehend.  On rare instances, he would look admiringly at me.   From the start I let my husband know.  I also would walk away after a few seconds.  I try to be nice and also at times have been stand offish.  He occassionally would be that way too, but seemed to keep it up.  After a while, he stopped.   His wife has, at times, seemed jealous of me, although she won't admit it.  I never told the bishop because I was afraid of him telling him and causing a problem  between our families.  I have tried to show I am nice and not that kind of a woman.  My husband doesn't want to know what he was thinking, although we know he is  decent.  I have sometimes felt sorry for his wife, but I also think she believes its more my fault then her husband's.  What would the consequences  be , if I told?   In some ways, it was nice, but not appropriate, and in some ways it  concerned me.  His wife recently anonymously sent me a letter from "Heavenly Father"  ( a reliable source told me it was from their family)  telling me that I should correct some flaws in my character and getting a little personal about my family.. I know she meant well, but it didn't seem necessary.    People know me as a positive person.I love my family,   Our family has some challenges theirs doesn't, but we are a righteous family who love the Lord and His Gospel.    I know she is assuming things, even if that's not her intent.  We have had differences of opinion but have been respectful how its handled. Other things, we do agree on.   I don't need her misjudging me.  Am I too concerned to think she is overly confident in thinking she knows things about me that aren't true?    I am the kind of a person that doesn't have problems with others and does the right thing, often soft spoken. I guess I need to forgive again.   I'm not perfect, but neither is she.  I think she overstepped her bounds, for whatever reason, and I've seen in the past she has not always been honest,  although she usually tries to be  I guess no one is perfect, but it hurt.  I have enough to do in my life without having to deal with this.  She often questions me, when others don't.  He tends to be a  silent, peacemaker type and she tends to be more presumptuous, so I think it is from her.  I can't see him doing that.  What should I do?

Edited June 27, 2017 by jewels8
added info I forgot to put in, don't want to be found out

[Sunday21]

Sorry to hear about this...this sort of thing is part of lds life, having to attend church in a particular location. In another faith, you would just attend another location. Try to feel some sympathy for his wife. We have a handful of these creepy guys in my ward. I made friends with one of the wives and this helped a lot. Her husband is a letch, gropped me twice in church! I told him off and emailed the bishop. The wife loves me now! Imagine what that poor woman goes through! 

I would do my best to ignore Mr. Creepy. Look away and try to pretend, he doesn't exist. Do your best to feel for the wife. She is going through hell.

[Jane_Doe]

Remember that your relationship with God is between you and God.  Not this other couple.  

Keep distance from Mr. Creepy.  Forgive and forget the wife's letter.  If you need to keep distance from her too.  Right now this is a lot of guessing-what-people-are-thinking stuff, which is just a rickety bridge to be walking on.  It's simpler just to stay on the solid ground of what is known and keep any boundaries if needed.  

[Vort]

Sounds pretty messed up. I will withhold judgment until I hear from Brother Creepy, which probably won't be forthcoming. Do your thing, be kind to them, and otherwise just keep being a good person. If he really is the creep you make him out to be, he will suffer bitterly excruciating pain from his actions -- but not with you. Maybe he really is flirting with you, but only in a callow or even unconscious way, and with no intention of doing anything. Hopefully, in such a case, he will repent before doing serious or irreparable harm to his marriage, family, and self. Or maybe it is just a bizarre misunderstanding. In any case, until his actions become more overt or hers more aggressive, I think your best bet is to just play it cool, assume the best (until you're sure such charitable feelings are unjustified), and continue on your way.

[NightSG]

6 hours ago, Sunday21 said:

Her husband is a letch, gropped me twice in church!

There are three effective ways to deal with that; dislocate the elbow, dislocate the shoulder enough to damage the rotator cuff or break the collarbone.  Any of the three done well should keep that hand off of you for 2-6 weeks.

[Guest]

20 hours ago, Sunday21 said:

gropped me twice in church! I told him off and emailed the bishop.

I don't know how laws are up there in Canada.  But if a man does that here, that's a one way ticket to the sex offenders' roster.

[Sunday21]

25 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

I don't know how laws are up there in Canada.  But if a man does that here, that's a one way ticket to the sex offenders' roster.

I left the matter with my bishop.

[Guest]

1 minute ago, Sunday21 said:

I left the matter with my bishop.

Why?  That is a legal matter as much as a moral matter.  Leave the moral matter with the bishop.  But the legal matter should be taken up with the law.

It's your life.  But that his actions were completely unacceptable and should be responded swiftly and soundly.

[Sunday21]

3 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

Why?  That is a legal matter as much as a moral matter.  Leave the moral matter with the bishop.  But the legal matter should be taken up with the law.

It's your life.  But that his actions were completely unacceptable and should be responded swiftly and soundly.

I know his wife, his daughter and his grand daughter. Sometimes it is better to leave things with the church.

[person0]

On 6/24/2017 at 11:45 AM, jewels8 said:

About a year ago he stopped.

I would say that is the key to your dilemma.  I can play out multiple different scenarios in my mind of reasons why he may have been staring.  I would say the best course of action would have been to politely confront him about it a long time ago, it could have prevented the issues you now face.  That said, I agree with @Vort in terms of the current best course of action:

21 hours ago, Vort said:

I think your best bet is to just play it cool, assume the best (until you're sure such charitable feelings are unjustified), and continue on your way.

[NightSG]

10 hours ago, Carborendum said:

I don't know how laws are up there in Canada.  But if a man does that here, that's a one way ticket to the sex offenders' roster.

Depends on the extent, but pretty much any over-familiar contact is likely to be seen as justification for a moderately violent removal of said contact.

[Sunday21]

I like your thinking! Good to know that your wives, daughters and sisters have such men in their lives! You will make good bishops! 

[omegaseamaster75]

On 6/24/2017 at 8:45 AM, jewels8 said:

A few years ago, another married man in my ward started paying attention to me.   I was friends with his wife and our kids play together  He got called into the bishopbric and would stare at me in the halls when no one was around.  Not really necessarily creepy, he would look in my eyes.  Sometimes I wondered if it was judgemental or just trying to figure out something about me.  It was usually a look I couldn't fully comprehend.  On rare instances, he would look admiringly at me.   From the start I let my husband know.  I also would walk away after a few seconds.  I try to be nice and also at times have been stand offish.  He occassionally would be that way too, but seemed to keep it up.  This went on for 5 years.  About a year ago he stopped.  Now, he only occassionally looks at me from the pulpit.  His wife is jealous of me, although she won't admit it.  I never told the bishop because I was afraid of him telling him and causing a problem with his calling and/or between our families.  I have tried to show I am nice and not that kind of a woman.  My husband doesn't want to know what he was thinking, although we know he does seem to be decent in other ways.  I have sometimes felt sorry for his wife, but I also think she believes its more my fault then her husband's.  What would the consequence to him be , if I told?  

Told what? That a member of the bishopric looked at you? or that he looked at you from the pulpit? Am I that only one who thinks that this is insane?

 

On 6/24/2017 at 8:45 AM, jewels8 said:

His wife recently anonymously sent me a letter from "Father in Heaven"  ( a reliable source told me it was from their family)  telling me that I should correct some flaws in my character. that I was special, that I should cherish my family, know they love me even if I don't believe it and not be negative.  People know me as a positive person.  Our family has some challenges theirs doesn't   They are rich.  We are poor.  Her husband always has job security, we suffer from unemployment sometimes.  We have special needs kids, theirs are normal.  I know she is assuming things, and maybe its an unconscious way of her dealing with her own emotional issues.  We have had differences of opinion but have been respectful how its handled.  I don't need her misjudging me.  Am I too concerned to think she is overly confident in thinking she knows things about me that aren't true?   I know she will see what she wants to see.  I am the kind of a person that doesn't have problems with others and does the right thing, often soft spoken.  I'm not perfect, but neither is she.  I think she oversteps her bounds, for whatever reason, and I've seen in the past she's not always honest about her motives.  She often questions me, when others don't.  He tends to be a  silent, peacemaker type and she tends to be more presumptuous, so I think it is from her.  I can't see him doing that.  What should I do?

Who does this? Honestly an anonymous letter? I would have thrown it in the trash.

Edited June 26, 2017 by omegaseamaster75

[Vort]

1 hour ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

Who does this? Honestly an anonymous letter? I would have thrown it in the trash.

But, but, but, it's from Father in Heaven!

[omegaseamaster75]

Just now, Vort said:

But, but, but, it's from Father in Heaven!

It's pretty damn presumptuous to write a letter address it from HEavenly Father and anonymously have it delivered.  Makes my skin crawl.

[Vort]

Just now, omegaseamaster75 said:

It's pretty damn presumptuous to write a letter address it from HEavenly Father and anonymously have it delivered.  Makes my skin crawl.

LOL. Omega, we've had more than our fair share of disagreements, so it's pretty funny when I see you write something I might have written.

[jewels8]

I appreciate all the remarks in helping me.  I am friends with her and our family is with their family. They are a good family, and try to be, just like me & my family try to be.  Sometimes its just been hard, when you thought every one was over everything, and something gets 'digged up' again. But they have also helped our family in some ways and I guess its just that life is a big learning, growing experience as we do our best and try to work together with our "brothers" and "sisters"  Looking back, there are times I could have handled things better, or maybe did the best I could with the circumstances, their were times I repented of thoughts I had during this process and my husband, prayer, fasting, scriptures and the temple have helped me.  And I wish the best for their family too.  Wouldn't it be nice if Satan just didn't get in the way?  

Edited June 26, 2017 by jewels8
Is there a way to change my Jewels8 username and change it on all that I have posted? I think I can be more anonymous that way.

[mordorbund]

 

24 minutes ago, Vort said:

1 hour ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

Who does this? Honestly an anonymous letter? I would have thrown it in the trash.

But, but, but, it's from Father in Heaven!

21 minutes ago, Vort said:

22 minutes ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

It's pretty damn presumptuous to write a letter address it from HEavenly Father and anonymously have it delivered.  Makes my skin crawl.

LOL. Omega, we've had more than our fair share of disagreements, so it's pretty funny when I see you write something I might have written.

I could see this being an effort (either officially through the Relief Society or just the family's initiative) inspired by the October 2015 Womens' Conference.

 

 

 

[The Folk Prophet]

Without having read in detail much to consider details, it would be humorous if this thread and this (below) were the opposite sides of the same story:

 

 

Edited June 26, 2017 by The Folk Prophet

[Bad Karma]

Wow, I've got nothing other than to say sexual pressures have no place in our meeting houses. Not at all, not an ounce. The eye oogling is bad enough, but the moment someone went hand on, that's it, you're done, simply toast. Wow, this and the other akin are really creepy threads.