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How do I tell someone I can't date due to temple worthiness?

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I'm a single young adult woman in the Church. I've been going through the repentance process for a while now, and recently made some choices that have hindered my progress. Because of this, my Bishop told me not to go to the temple for a while. Although these sins are not related to breaking the law of chastity or my interactions with men, he implied that I should not be dating. He said that if a man were in my position and brought a sister he was dating to meet him, he would tell her that he is "bad news." I'd been dating a guy I really like, and I feel we have a really healthy relationship. He asked me to be his girlfriend a while back and I said we should keep on getting to know each other, which we've been doing. But now with this counsel, I feel I need to be clear with what's going on. How can I say this to him? I don't feel like it's his business to know, and I don't have this level of trust established with him yet, especially since my ex boyfriend broke up with me when I confided it to him (even though he had a porn addiction, but whatever.) I still would like to make it known that I want to see if it would work out in the future.

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Maybe say something like "I really like you and appreciate the time we've spent together but I'm addressing some personal issues right now and need to take a break to get my stuff together. I hope it won't take too long but I hope you'll support me and still be interested in continuing to date in a few months after I'm more of the person I want to be."

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I don't see you as having any obligation to tell him the details, if you were engaged then that would be appropriate, but not before then.

Like MM said above, just tell him you can't get into a serious relationship right now, but you value your connection with him and hope that once you are ready you can move forward together.  If he asks for detail just say it's too personal.

That being said, someday you will be engaged to somebody, and you should tell them about it before the wedding.  For one reason, he needs to make the choice to marry you knowing your past.  Second, you need to know that he loves you warts and all.  You don't want to start a marriage on a lie of ommission and always wonder what will happen when he finds out.  Someday he will find out and it is better you tell him up front before the wedding then make him feel like you tricked him into marrying you.  Yes, he might leave you when you tell him like that other guy did, but that is better than a divorce, especially if kids are involved.

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You do not need to say anything to him.  Don't go off implications of the bishop, if you have a question as to what he means, ask him.  Also, you probably do not need to disclose what is going on to your future spouse.  I can think of few instances where that would be appropriate.  

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On 5/10/2019 at 11:10 AM, dddd said:

I'm a single young adult woman in the Church. I've been going through the repentance process for a while now, and recently made some choices that have hindered my progress. Because of this, my Bishop told me not to go to the temple for a while. Although these sins are not related to breaking the law of chastity or my interactions with men, he implied that I should not be dating. He said that if a man were in my position and brought a sister he was dating to meet him, he would tell her that he is "bad news." I'd been dating a guy I really like, and I feel we have a really healthy relationship. He asked me to be his girlfriend a while back and I said we should keep on getting to know each other, which we've been doing. But now with this counsel, I feel I need to be clear with what's going on. How can I say this to him? I don't feel like it's his business to know, and I don't have this level of trust established with him yet, especially since my ex boyfriend broke up with me when I confided it to him (even though he had a porn addiction, but whatever.) I still would like to make it known that I want to see if it would work out in the future.

My suggestion would be to keep dating, but the moment it becomes remotely serious and marriage is potentially an option. He should know and you should tell him.

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On 5/10/2019 at 8:24 PM, Latter-Day Marriage said:

 

That being said, someday you will be engaged to somebody, and you should tell them about it before the wedding.  For one reason, he needs to make the choice to marry you knowing your past.  Second, you need to know that he loves you warts and all.  You don't want to start a marriage on a lie of ommission and always wonder what will happen when he finds out.  Someday he will find out and it is better you tell him up front before the wedding then make him feel like you tricked him into marrying you.  Yes, he might leave you when you tell him like that other guy did, but that is better than a divorce, especially if kids are involved.

Yep, that's how I got dumped a few days after he asked my parents for their permission to ask my hand in marriage. 

So for that reason it's been really hard for me to warm up to people.

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On 5/18/2019 at 8:33 AM, dddd said:

Yep, that's how I got dumped a few days after he asked my parents for their permission to ask my hand in marriage. 

 

He only wanted to marry your hand?  (Sorry, I couldn't resist) 

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On 5/21/2019 at 4:40 AM, askandanswer said:

He only wanted to marry your hand?  (Sorry, I couldn't resist) 

You literally have the sensitivity and social graces of a babboon

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On 5/10/2019 at 11:10 AM, dddd said:

I'm a single young adult woman in the Church. I've been going through the repentance process for a while now, and recently made some choices that have hindered my progress. Because of this, my Bishop told me not to go to the temple for a while. Although these sins are not related to breaking the law of chastity or my interactions with men, he implied that I should not be dating. He said that if a man were in my position and brought a sister he was dating to meet him, he would tell her that he is "bad news." I'd been dating a guy I really like, and I feel we have a really healthy relationship. He asked me to be his girlfriend a while back and I said we should keep on getting to know each other, which we've been doing. But now with this counsel, I feel I need to be clear with what's going on. How can I say this to him? I don't feel like it's his business to know, and I don't have this level of trust established with him yet, especially since my ex boyfriend broke up with me when I confided it to him (even though he had a porn addiction, but whatever.) I still would like to make it known that I want to see if it would work out in the future.

Say nothing it's none of his business. If he can't accept that then its time to move on.

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On 5/10/2019 at 7:24 PM, Latter-Day Marriage said:

That being said, someday you will be engaged to somebody, and you should tell them about it before the wedding.  For one reason, he needs to make the choice to marry you knowing your past.  Second, you need to know that he loves you warts and all.  You don't want to start a marriage on a lie of ommission and always wonder what will happen when he finds out.  Someday he will find out and it is better you tell him up front before the wedding then make him feel like you tricked him into marrying you.  Yes, he might leave you when you tell him like that other guy did, but that is better than a divorce, especially if kids are involved.

I disagree with this line of thinking, once the repentance process is complete then why would you ever mention it again to anyone ever? It's not a lie of omission how can you omit something that will likely never come up.

It would have to be something over the top, but most over the top sins that I can think of would have gotten you excommunicated. Since it is not any of those (to our knowledge) why would you mention it, ever, to anyone, under any circumstance?

Edited by omegaseamaster75

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My sister was interested in this guy in her YSA ward (non-Utah unit) and she asked him if he wanted to go on a date again. He told her, "Susan (changed name) I like you, but I'm really messed up." Perhaps the most honest answer he could have gave her. She appreciated the response since she just finished up her own repentance process. 

Well there will be more guys that come along. Finish the repentance process then back in the hunt!

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