I recently got married and I'm struggling to go to church because my wife doesn't want me to go. What should I do?

[Guest MormonGator]

22 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

Part of loving and respecting a person is wanting to see their emotional and spiritual needs be met.   Even if it involved that person not being at your side 24/7 or any activity that's not your favorite.  

Exactly. Part of loving someone is putting their needs first. That said, it can be a tightrope because you want to maintain a happy house.  

[Latter-Day Marriage]

7 hours ago, Junior said:

I have tried to explain that to her before but well it is hard for her to understand how I will be a better husband and father by spending less time with them. 

A)  You do  not need her to understand that before you do it.  She only needs to understand that you are going to do this, you believe it is good for the family, and she can either make it a sore point in your relationship or she can trust you and accept it.

B)  The only way she will come to understand it is by you doing it and her seeing the results. 

You do not need her permission, approval, blessing or whatever.  She is not your mom or your boss.  If you are so afraid of conflict that you won't stand up for what is right then you may as well be her slave.  You might want to read this:

https://latterday-marriage.blogspot.com/2014/07/how-to-fight-with-your-spouse-and-why.html

[askandanswer]

10 hours ago, Junior said:

I have tried to explain that to her before but well it is hard for her to understand how I will be a better husband and father by spending less time with them. 

Perhaps you could explain to her how your children might be better children by spending time away from you, at school. And of course, you become a better father by spending time away from your wife and children, at work. 

[Junior]

11 hours ago, Jane_Doe said:

Part of loving and respecting a person is wanting to see their emotional and spiritual needs be met.   Even if it involved that person not being at your side 24/7 or any activity that's not your favorite.  

I'm not with her 24/7 I work Monday - Saturday for 10/12 hours. So my girlfriend wants me to be with her and the baby on Sunday. I feel bad that I am away from them for so long every day but I do want to go to church so I don't know what to do. 

[Junior]

11 hours ago, MormonGator said:

Exactly. Part of loving someone is putting their needs first. That said, it can be a tightrope because you want to maintain a happy house.  

yeah but for my wife me loving her is being with her and not going to church, because she needs me to drive her to her grandparents and help her with our daughter so she can rest on Sunday.

Edited July 24, 2019 by Junior
I called my wife my girlfriend

[Junior]

7 hours ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

You do not need her permission, approval, blessing or whatever.  She is not your mom or your boss.  If you are so afraid of conflict that you won't stand up for what is right then you may as well be her slave. 

 

Please I don't let women boss me around 😂. Actually, I do all the time but I don't think my wife will appreciate me standing up to her. 

Edited July 24, 2019 by Junior

[Junior]

4 hours ago, askandanswer said:

And of course, you become a better father by spending time away from your wife and children, at work. 

2 Sundays ago I was offered some extra shift on Sunday evening but my wife didn't want me to do it because she wanted to spend time with me. It isn't all about working all the time and being away from your family. In the culture I come from it is that way men work and have nothing to with the home, but I don't see that as a good thing having grown up that away. I want to be with my wife and daughter as much as I can 

Edited July 24, 2019 by Junior

[Latter-Day Marriage]

3 hours ago, Junior said:

Please I don't let women boss me around 😂. Actually, I do all the time but I don't think my wife will appreciate me standing up to her. 

Nobody likes being stood up to, but you have to have the courage of your convictions to stand up for what you believe in, even if it means displeasing or upsetting others, not just when it is easy and agreeable to others.  Don't let the fear of other people's reactions run your life for you, that is living is a prison.

I get that you would  like a way to resolve this that doesn't involve a level of conflict with her, that's normal, but you can't limit yourself to that.  You have to be prepared push back and take the heat when the situation calls for it.  She doesn't seem to have a problem pushing back against you and risk upsetting you, do you think that should be a one way street?  Even if she is upset about it she will have more respect for a man who will do that then one who can't stand up to her.  And she won't have respect for you if you can't stand up to her over anything.

[Junior]

5 hours ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

Nobody likes being stood up to, but you have to have the courage of your convictions to stand up for what you believe in, even if it means displeasing or upsetting others, not just when it is easy and agreeable to others.  Don't let the fear of other people's reactions run your life for you, that is living is a prison.

 I get that you would  like a way to resolve this that doesn't involve a level of conflict with her, that's normal, but you can't limit yourself to that.  You have to be prepared push back and take the heat when the situation calls for it.  She doesn't seem to have a problem pushing back against you and risk upsetting you, do you think that should be a one way street?  Even if she is upset about it she will have more respect for a man who will do that then one who can't stand up to her.  And she won't have respect for you if you can't stand up to her over anything.

I understand everything you are saying completely. The way I see it though is that my wife already dislikes the church, if I tell her I don't care about her opinion and go anyway. She will see it as a betrayal, like @JGarcia said he resented his wife going to church. I don't want her to resent me or the church, that's why I want to get her to accept it before I just start going. 

My wife doesn't like upsetting me, it's just that she thinks she knows best for our family, that's why she wants me to be with them. I believe it's best for our family if we all go to church together but I know that can't happen, because my wife has her own church and I'm sure at some point I will be able to start going back to church. I just need to decide the best time to raise it with her 

[Jane_Doe]

1 hour ago, Junior said:

I understand everything you are saying completely. The way I see it though is that my wife already dislikes the church, if I tell her I don't care about her opinion and go anyway. She will see it as a betrayal, like @JGarcia said he resented his wife going to church. I don't want her to resent me or the church, that's why I want to get her to accept it before I just start going. 

My wife doesn't like upsetting me, it's just that she thinks she knows best for our family, that's why she wants me to be with them. I believe it's best for our family if we all go to church together but I know that can't happen, because my wife has her own church and I'm sure at some point I will be able to start going back to church. I just need to decide the best time to raise it with her 

Again: Part of loving and respecting a person is wanting to see their emotional and spiritual needs be met.   Even if it involved that person not being at your side 24/7 or any activity that's not your favorite.  

 

My husband and I have different faiths, but he wants me to go to my church because he knows me, and vise versa.  When you truly love & respect your spouse, you want to see their needs met.  

[Junior]

10 hours ago, Jane_Doe said:

Again: Part of loving and respecting a person is wanting to see their emotional and spiritual needs be met.   Even if it involved that person not being at your side 24/7 or any activity that's not your favorite.  

  

My husband and I have different faiths, but he wants me to go to my church because he knows me, and vise versa.  When you truly love & respect your spouse, you want to see their needs met.  

Well that's good for you. I can't just magic my wife to be like your husband. 

And I am trying to meet her needs, which is why I don't want to upset her by going to church. I spoke to her a bit last night about me having more time to do some other things apart from her and the baby and she said soon when she is feeling better and finding it easier with the baby I can see my friends, so I'm sure then I can go to church too. And she said she wants to go back to Methodist church so we will probably split on Sunday mornings so I'm sure soon I can go to church again. 

[Latter-Day Marriage]

21 hours ago, Junior said:

I understand everything you are saying completely. The way I see it though is that my wife already dislikes the church, if I tell her I don't care about her opinion and go anyway. She will see it as a betrayal, like @JGarcia said he resented his wife going to church. I don't want her to resent me or the church, that's why I want to get her to accept it before I just start going. 

My wife doesn't like upsetting me, it's just that she thinks she knows best for our family, that's why she wants me to be with them. I believe it's best for our family if we all go to church together but I know that can't happen, because my wife has her own church and I'm sure at some point I will be able to start going back to church. I just need to decide the best time to raise it with her 

She is NEVER going to accept it as long as you take this 'I'm not going until she accepts it'' stuff. 

You are surrendering your role as the spiritual leader of the home to her and telling her that her acceptance if more important to  you than obedience to God.  It is your job as her husband to LEAD your wife and family by example.  To be blunt, you need to man up, grow a pair, stop being a p-whipped little boy.  I don't like talking like that but I'm trying to break through this wall you have built in your mind.  Stop making yourself a hostage to her mood.  Do you really think God is OK with you not going to church because  your wife doesn't like it?  He isn't.  Why should He help you change this in your relationship with her if you lack the faith to obey Him?

And I didn't say tell her you don't care about her opinion, just that you don't agree with it and you have to do what you believe is best.  She may be resentful over not getting things her way for a time, but that is her choice.  She could choose to put some trust in your judgement and be respectful of your opinion even through she doesn't agree with it.  My father was resentful of the church at first, he came around when he saw what it did for my mom. 

Tell her in a kind and loving way that you hear what she is saying but you don't agree and will attend church as your conscience demands.  Ask her how she would feel if the tables were turned and you were trying to stop her from going to her church.  No matter what she says, stick to your guns, go to church, take the heat and pray for God to soften her heart.  It is God that will change her feelings on this and He can only do that if you are exercising the faith to live the gospel.

[Junior]

1 hour ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

You are surrendering your role as the spiritual leader of the home to her and telling her that her acceptance if more important to  you than obedience to God.  It is your job as her husband to LEAD your wife and family by example.  To be blunt, you need to man up, grow a pair, stop being a p-whipped little boy.  I don't like talking like that but I'm trying to break through this wall you have built in your mind.  Stop making yourself a hostage to her mood.  Do you really think God is OK with you not going to church because  your wife doesn't like it?  He isn't.  Why should He help you change this in your relationship with her if you lack the faith to obey Him?

 

Yeah my mom has told me before that I need to stand up for myself and not just do what people say but It's not my nature to push back and I think God made me this way so I would be a good son. No I don't think God is happy that I am not going to church but God knows where my heart is at. 

 

1 hour ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

And I didn't say tell her you don't care about her opinion, just that you don't agree with it and you have to do what you believe is best.  She may be resentful over not getting things her way for a time, but that is her choice.  She could choose to put some trust in your judgement and be respectful of your opinion even through she doesn't agree with it.  My father was resentful of the church at first, he came around when he saw what it did for my mom. 

 Tell her in a kind and loving way that you hear what she is saying but you don't agree and will attend church as your conscience demands.  Ask her how she would feel if the tables were turned and you were trying to stop her from going to her church.  No matter what she says, stick to your guns, go to church, take the heat and pray for God to soften her heart.  It is God that will change her feelings on this and He can only do that if you are exercising the faith to live the gospel.

Sure I can tell her that but she will be so mad at me  When I spoke to her last night she seemed to say I can go to church when she starts going back to her church. I pray for her all the time obviously I want her to come with me to church. I really want to go to church on Sunday but I am very concerned about her reaction 

[BeccaKirstyn]

Junior, your wife as you said will not magically change her mind about your attendance at church in a day. So her feelings about you going to church will not magically be okay with it in one day. This will be a long journey for both of you. One that if you stay on the defensive about, you'll never go back. I can guarantee you that every time you want to bring this subject back up again with your wife, it will be the same reasonings from her. Because you haven't actually had a real, open, and honest discussion (not just blaming you--this is also on her). 

If you go to church on Sunday will your wife be upset? Yep. If you wait until your wife says she's more "adjusted" with the baby, will she be upset that you ask her if you can go to church? I can almost guarantee it. Because your wife's opinion of the church has never changed since the moment you met her. So why would that change, unless you have more open and honest discussions about it? This includes telling her how important this part of your life is to you and SHOWING her how important it is to you. 

Not every relationship is the same. Don't compare yours to the other gentlemen who has been describing how his past marriage fought over church. You are describing how you want to try to please your wife by not upsetting her. Is your wife pleasing you to try to not upset you? Does it upset you that you can't go to church? Marriage will constantly be about compromise on both ends. 

The only thing I find interesting about your post is that you came to discuss your frustrations about not being able to attend church due to your wife's complaints about it, yet all responses to try to help you find a way to get there have been met with reasons as to why you can't make it happen. Were you looking for advice or to just vent your frustration? Both are fine, but if it was more the latter then I would suggest to maybe phrase your posts in such a way. Otherwise you'll be met with lots of posts like this one and others that are trying to help you change your circumstances, when you're not ready to do so.

Edited July 26, 2019 by BeccaKirstyn

[Jane_Doe]

16 hours ago, Junior said:

Yeah my mom has told me before that I need to stand up for myself and not just do what people say but It's not my nature to push back and I think God made me this way so I would be a good son.

Or this is a weakness you need to overcome.

God didn't make anybody to be a whipping boy or an abused doormat.  The Lord counsels against abuse and women who roar like lions at their husband-- and you @Junior act like she roars and abuses horribly (whether or not she actually does, you completely act like it).  That's not how God designed men and women.  Rather, each is supposed to be partner, helping and respecting the others.    That is what it is to be a man and woman of God.

[Junior]

6 hours ago, Jane_Doe said:

God didn't make anybody to be a whipping boy or an abused doormat.  The Lord counsels against abuse and women who roar like lions at their husband-- and you @Junior act like she roars and abuses horribly (whether or not she actually does, you completely act like it).  That's not how God designed men and women.  Rather, each is supposed to be partner, helping and respecting the others.    That is what it is to be a man and woman of God.

My wife doesn't abuse me at all, she is very caring towards me. When I say I am concerned about her or scared about her I mean the way she will react, she will take it personally and get really upset and she can over think things and get herself into some kind of state. But she would never hurt me. 

[Junior]

18 hours ago, BeccaKirstyn said:

 If you go to church on Sunday will your wife be upset? Yep. If you wait until your wife says she's more "adjusted" with the baby, will she be upset that you ask her if you can go to church? I can almost guarantee it. Because your wife's opinion of the church has never changed since the moment you met her. So why would that change, unless you have more open and honest discussions about it? This includes telling her how important this part of your life is to you and SHOWING her how important it is to you. 

 

Well I have tried to talk to her about church directly but she doesn't want to, she always says she is tired or she can't make a decision right now. I don't know if she is as tired as she says but when I get home from work it's quite late so maybe she is just tired. She does know church is important to me and she knows how hard I was trying before we got married to get a temple recommend.

18 hours ago, BeccaKirstyn said:

Is your wife pleasing you to try to not upset you? Does it upset you that you can't go to church?

It does upset me that I can't go to church but I haven't told my wife that and I don't walk around sulking on Sundays so she may not know I am upset. 

[Jane_Doe]

1 hour ago, Junior said:

My wife doesn't abuse me at all, she is very caring towards me. When I say I am concerned about her or scared about her I mean the way she will react, she will take it personally and get really upset and she can over think things and get herself into some kind of state. But she would never hurt me. 

Then quit acting like she's an abuser who locks you up and will rip your head off for asking to meet your own needs.

And start acting she's actually loving wife and you're actually a disciple of Christ. 

[Junior]

9 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

Then quit acting like she's an abuser who locks you up and will rip your head off for asking to meet your own needs.

And start acting she's actually loving wife and you're actually a disciple of Christ. 

I never acted that she was an abuser. I'm going to try and go to church on Sunday.

I'm just going to kindly say to her that I have to go because I miss it, but I will come straight back and drive to her grandparents and we can spend the rest of the day together 

Edited July 26, 2019 by Junior

[Jane_Doe]

3 minutes ago, Junior said:

I never acted that she was an abuser. I'm going to try and go to church on Sunday.

You are acting like she is literally chaining you and would literally rip your head off for suggesting that you have a need.

Stop insulting her, yourself, and God this way.  Treat her like she's a real person that you can talk to.  Quit the excuses.  

Edited July 26, 2019 by Jane_Doe

[Junior]

32 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

You are acting like she is literally chaining you and would literally rip your head off for suggesting that you have a need.

Stop insulting her, yourself, and God this way.  Treat her like she's a real person that you can talk to.  Quit the excuses.  

Yeah I am going to ask her please can I go for 1 hour and for the rest of the day we can do anything that you want. I want her to know it's a sacrifice for me not to be with her and our daughter on our family time day but I think this is going to bless us. Then if she says no she doesn't want me to go well we can either talk about it or yeah it's up to her 

[KScience]

Junior why ask for everyone's advice and then ignore it? You have given just about every possible objection to actually going to church.

Your behaviour and answers show your commitment to the gospel. You are not coming across as a caring husband who does not want to hurt his wife's feelings, you look like someone justifying his actions. Your wife will object to many things, will you just capitulate? Sometimes showing love is going against what someone "wants" or avoiding hurt feelings; somethings mean more than this and its your choice if church is one of those things.

[Junior]

4 hours ago, KScience said:

Junior why ask for everyone's advice and then ignore it? You have given just about every possible objection to actually going to church.

Your behaviour and answers show your commitment to the gospel. You are not coming across as a caring husband who does not want to hurt his wife's feelings, you look like someone justifying his actions. Your wife will object to many things, will you just capitulate? Sometimes showing love is going against what someone "wants" or avoiding hurt feelings; somethings mean more than this and its your choice if church is one of those things.

I am a caring husband, at least I try my best to be ...

Anyway my wife said I can go to church for one hour on Sunday as long as she is well enough to look after the baby, I told her of course I won't leave her to go to church if she is unwell. And she said anything else to do with the church like, meeting my bishop, accepting a calling, paying tithe, taking my mom to the temple etc I need to run by her first. It seems reasonable to me. Plus I didn't have to hurt her feelings 

[Guest Mores]

I can't wait to hear just how often she feels unwell on Sundays.

[Just_A_Guy]

19 hours ago, Junior said:

I am a caring husband, at least I try my best to be ...

Anyway my wife said I can go to church for one hour on Sunday as long as she is well enough to look after the baby, I told her of course I won't leave her to go to church if she is unwell. And she said anything else to do with the church like, meeting my bishop, accepting a calling, paying tithe, taking my mom to the temple etc I need to run by her first. It seems reasonable to me. Plus I didn't have to hurt her feelings 

You get to control when she goes to her church and when she does favors for her parents, too, right?