Someone flirted with me…

[SparksFly]

I’ve been happily married for 16 years, 3 kids. I got married young, neither of us had dated much before we were married. We’ve of course had our ups and downs as every relationships does but for the most part we feel pretty strong in our marriage, and like we’re mostly doing ok in our family life. I recently went on a solo trip to visit family. On my return flight, which was 8hrs long, my seat mate, flirted nonstop with me. I made it clear I was married, but the flirty banter continued and I admittedly indulged it a little. I didn’t flirt back intentionally, but I also didn’t shut down his flirtations, and honestly enjoyed the laughter through our 8hr flight. I didn’t even catch his name… 

I would never leave or cheat on my husband. But the feeling of being attractive to someone else, and being flirted with so intentionally has left me feeling kind of “alive” and realizing just how much that has been lacking in our marriage. My husband says he finds me attractive… but after 16 years, 3 kids, and just going through the motions of day to day life, it’s hard to feel like a human being, like I’m more than just a mom, and how to feel attractive, sexy and reignite that fire again. 
Part of me feels guilty for indulging the flirting, and part of me just enjoyed it so much that I’m craving feeling that “wanted” again. 
 

I’m an active member and temple attendee, and this has caught me so completely off guard.
I don’t know what to do moving forward to a) stop thinking about the flirting encounter b) how to channel that desire for more, back into my marriage c) have I broken the law of chastity by allowing that encounter and feeling so “excited” by it? 
 

 

[prisonchaplain]

Let's try a different set of numbered points:

 

1. You passed. You were tempted but you stayed true to your marriage, your vows, your faith. Not only did you not break the Law of Chastity, but you were tested and passed.

2. We men should value the women in our lives more. If we don't treasure our treasures, there are always others who will.

3. It speaks well of you that your husband trusts you take such long journeys without him. His discernment appears to be spot on.

4. Don't allow your desire for more attention to turn to bitterness. Again, we men should do better. Perhaps your husband should.

5. Nevertheless, don't underestimate what you have. 16 years? Three children? Blessings all! You did it together. Love/respect him openly. You'll be reassured. 

[Traveler]

On 4/20/2024 at 2:05 PM, SparksFly said:

I’ve been happily married for 16 years, 3 kids. I got married young, neither of us had dated much before we were married. We’ve of course had our ups and downs as every relationships does but for the most part we feel pretty strong in our marriage, and like we’re mostly doing ok in our family life. I recently went on a solo trip to visit family. On my return flight, which was 8hrs long, my seat mate, flirted nonstop with me. I made it clear I was married, but the flirty banter continued and I admittedly indulged it a little. I didn’t flirt back intentionally, but I also didn’t shut down his flirtations, and honestly enjoyed the laughter through our 8hr flight. I didn’t even catch his name… 

I would never leave or cheat on my husband. But the feeling of being attractive to someone else, and being flirted with so intentionally has left me feeling kind of “alive” and realizing just how much that has been lacking in our marriage. My husband says he finds me attractive… but after 16 years, 3 kids, and just going through the motions of day to day life, it’s hard to feel like a human being, like I’m more than just a mom, and how to feel attractive, sexy and reignite that fire again. 
Part of me feels guilty for indulging the flirting, and part of me just enjoyed it so much that I’m craving feeling that “wanted” again. 
 

I’m an active member and temple attendee, and this has caught me so completely off guard.
I don’t know what to do moving forward to a) stop thinking about the flirting encounter b) how to channel that desire for more, back into my marriage c) have I broken the law of chastity by allowing that encounter and feeling so “excited” by it? 
 

 

Dear Friend @SparksFly; (For some reason your handle is not registered with the forum?)

You are very lucky and fortunate to have dodged a bullet.  Perhaps I should say a deadly fiery dart of the adversary.   Scripture tells us that Satan flatters us into following a course that leads to destruction and bondage.

Though I am retired now I spent much of my professional life traveling.  I would say about ¼ of my life.  Sometimes for several weeks at a time.  Joining me in my travels have been several good LDS serving in what many would call high positions.  Also, I traveled with many rather shady characters.  I think there is something about traveling that tends to get a person out of sorts and venerable to flattery.  Especially from seemingly good looking and smart seaming others.  I witnessed those that under such circumstances succumbed to the temptations of the moment.  I would say that without a single exception (good LDS or wild heathen) that never did anyone falling for the flattery of predators and pursuing pleasures contrary to the Law and covenant of Chasity end in anything even remotely close a happy ending.  Much more, if for any reason you would become the predator.  It was (is) always a heartbreaking disaster for all involved – even for the remotely involved.

The guilty feeling for being flirty is nothing compared to the guilt Satan has planned for you.  I personally do not know you nor do I know anything about your marriage relationship.  I will not pretend I know how to advise you moving forward beyond the admonition to repent.  Let the spirit guide you through the process as to what you should do and who to tell.  It is possible that your husband could be devastated and unable to cope even though for now it seems quite harmless.

I can truthfully say that there is great rewards for remaining loyal and faithful to sacred covenant.  There is spiritual strength and great happiness in keeping divine covenant – especially the covenant of marriage.  I am personally grateful that in the few times my beloved wife has asked, that I can honestly look her in the eyes and say I have never strayed (though tempted) and remained loyal to our covenants to G-d and each other.  I believe there would be joy in your life knowing that your husband is faithful to you.

I remember the Prophet David O. McKay saying that it is a greater honor to be trusted than to be loved. 

 

The Traveler

[Carborendum]

On 4/20/2024 at 3:05 PM, SparksFly said:

I’ve been happily married for 16 years, 3 kids. I got married young, neither of us had dated much before we were married. We’ve of course had our ups and downs as every relationships does but for the most part we feel pretty strong in our marriage, and like we’re mostly doing ok in our family life. I recently went on a solo trip to visit family. On my return flight, which was 8hrs long, my seat mate, flirted nonstop with me. I made it clear I was married, but the flirty banter continued and I admittedly indulged it a little. I didn’t flirt back intentionally, but I also didn’t shut down his flirtations, and honestly enjoyed the laughter through our 8hr flight. I didn’t even catch his name… 

I would never leave or cheat on my husband. But the feeling of being attractive to someone else, and being flirted with so intentionally has left me feeling kind of “alive” and realizing just how much that has been lacking in our marriage. My husband says he finds me attractive… but after 16 years, 3 kids, and just going through the motions of day to day life, it’s hard to feel like a human being, like I’m more than just a mom, and how to feel attractive, sexy and reignite that fire again. 
Part of me feels guilty for indulging the flirting, and part of me just enjoyed it so much that I’m craving feeling that “wanted” again. 

I’m an active member and temple attendee, and this has caught me so completely off guard.
I don’t know what to do moving forward to a) stop thinking about the flirting encounter b) how to channel that desire for more, back into my marriage c) have I broken the law of chastity by allowing that encounter and feeling so “excited” by it? 

I'll tell you two stories:

1.

I was at school and found a girl sitting alone.  I started up a conversation with her.  We did some nice flirting for a while.  It was fun.  After a while, another guy came up and asked if she was ready to go.  From their interactions, I gathered they were married (calling her "hon" and so on).  I felt kind of embarrassed and disappointed.  She was cute.

2.

My sister had a few friends over to her apartment.  All of them had husbands.  One of them talked about "dressing sexy."  I don't know if those were the exact words they used.  But that is how I remember it.  Because I was very quiet and "the hostess's brother" most of the ladies were very free with their speech.  They indicated that it was not just the normal "competing with other women."  It was about attracting other guys.

I eventually interjected,"But aren't you all married?"

"Yeah.  But that doesn't mean we don't like attention from other men."  I kind of looked at them with a quizzical look.  "It's flattering to get hit on by a guy.  And it's completely safe when all you have to do is lift up your hand and show your ring."

I still don't know whether this is good behavior or not.  But I do know that you are not alone in wanting to feel pretty and desirable.

[estradling75]

None of us here really have enough information to judge how much repentance you might need other then it does not appear you need the bishop.  For me, the standard I try to use and I recommend is the Golden Rule... aka Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.   In this case the application is pretty simple.  Imagine your husband doing everything you did... feeling everything you felt...  Are you OK with that?  If you would be upset, angry or hurt if your husband did it to you... then you have got some work to do.  But ultimately that is between you the Lord and possibly your husband. We really do not have enough to say anymore about it.

Now you have been shown a weakness.  This is great because you can't deal with things you do not know about.  You have been shown a need and want that you have.  There is nothing wrong with what you want.  But there very much can be something wrong with how you go about getting what you want.  So talk to your husband, tell him what you want.  Odds are he wants it too.  Once you guys are both aware of the issue you can make plans to deal with it.  It most likely require the two of you investing time, money and effort into your relationship... Don't worry to much about that, because investing in your eternal marriage is one of the best investments you can make.

[Vort]

These are my personal observations. Take them for what they seem worth to you.

There are two types of men:

• Those that understand women on an emotional level
• Those that do not understand women, but naively assume that women are emotionally pretty much like men, only more prone to tears

The second group is far larger than the first. Most temple-worthy Latter-day Saint men find themselves in Camp 2. Your husband is statistically likely to be a Camp Twoer.

Men can also be divided (roughly) into two camps along another axis, namely, how they feel toward women:

• Those that respect women
• Those that do not truly respect women as people, but see them as things to be used to achieve their own ends.

Call these Camp A and Camp B. Curiously, at least in my experience, Camp A seems at least as large as Camp B, and probably larger, both inside and outside the Church. To hear women talk about it, you would never guess that to be the case, but I think it is.

Some men call themselves "pick-up artists". These men are usually from Camp 1 and almost always from Camp B. Women find these guys irresistable. Why? In part at least, it's because they are from Camp 1 and understand women. And because these men are also from Camp B, they use their understanding of women to get into their panties. For them, that's the game. They are expert flirts.

For women, flirting is a game to see if they (the women) can garner external validation. For men (at least for the PAs), flirting is a game to see if they (the men) can successfully seduce the women. This is a dangerous, volatile situation. The women involved in flirting may not consciously be looking for a sexual "hook-up", and may even believe they want to avoid that. But they are craving that emotional validation, and the men (at least the PAs) know exactly how to feed that hunger. Many women have found themselves in bed with a man they don't know and/or don't even like because they "followed their heart" (meaning their emotions) into the bedroom.

Odds are that you would not follow through and cheat on your husband. But let's be clear: You're playing with fire and stand a nonzero chance of getting burned. If you view your marriage through a gospel lens, you will consider it of infinite importance, and would not risk its integrity to get some attention any more than you would risk your child's life to get some thrills. Whether or not the other guy was a PA is beside the point, at least as far as that goes.

(By the way, women divide into the same two sets of camps as men. Like men, most women dwell in Camp 2, which is why women so often naively and wrongly claim that men are "emotionally stunted" or some nonsense of the sort; they expect men to be women that shave their faces. However, my observation is that women are pretty equally divided between Camps A and B, and if anything tend more toward Camp B. Men are and always have been viewed by women as caretakers. As a result, women view men quite dispassionately—many men would say ruthlessly—as to what the men can offer to the woman. This is most obvious when talking with young women in their late teens and twenties. If Carb had listened to his sister's friends much longer, he likely would eventually have heard conversation that would have included the women objectifying men, including their husbands, to a shocking degree. Not all women do this, of course; my wife never does. But if men stay quiet and pay attention to what women say in public and in private, many of them will be amazed at what they hear. Women are not the people we men often think they are. More to the point, women are not the people we men have been taught that they are.)

Edited April 23 by Vort
Thanks to zil for the correction

[zil2]

33 minutes ago, Vort said:

Like men, most women dwell in Camp 1, which is why women so often naively and wrongly claim that men are "emotionally stunted" or some nonsense of the sort; they expect men to be women that shave their faces.

I think you mean Camp 2.

[Still_Small_Voice]

I try not to be alone with a woman if it can be avoided as I am married.  Personally I believe it leads to nothing good. 

If you are married, flirting with someone else is also not something wise to give in to.  There is a very fine line of being friendly and getting into flirting territory.  Let the Holy Spirit be your guide.  My own conscience calls me out along with the Holy Ghost many times when I am not in a spiritual mind set.

8 So then they that are after the flesh cannot please God.

9 But ye are not after the flesh, but after the Spirit, if so be that the Spirit of God dwell in you . . .

1 There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.

-- Romans Chapter 8 Inspired Version

[askandanswer]

I think the real question is what happens on your next trip alone, what happens next time you are in a similar situation for a prolonged period of time, what happens next time a man tries to flirt with you? And you dont have to be on a long flight for this to happen, it could happen next time you go shopping. Having once participated and enjoyed it, will you want to do so again? Will this be a once only experience or the beginning of a pattern?

Some possible responses to those questions could be a) I feel bad about this, that's my conscience telling me that it was wrong, so I won't do it again, and I'd better take some preventative steps to reduce the likelihood of it happening again. b) That was a test, I enjoyed it, I passed the test, so if the opportunity arises, I'll do it again or c ) I enjoyed that, nothing bad happened, I want it to happen again so I'll look for or create similar opportunities. B and C are dangerous choices. Any sort of action that releases endorphins often becomes an action that we want to do more of. For some people it only takes one drink to become an alcoholic. 

Welcome to the forum, its a great place to get advice and discuss ideas. 

Edited April 24 by askandanswer

[LDSGator]

On 4/23/2024 at 4:30 PM, Still_Small_Voice said:

try not to be alone with a woman if it can be avoided as I am married.  Personally I believe it leads to nothing good. 

Two of my closest friends are women, and I totally agree. My wife is friends with them as well and we just had dinner with one of them and her brother on Sunday. 

I’m NEVER alone with a girl. It’s a combination of paranoia, common sense, and an understanding of our current climate.    

Edited April 25 by LDSGator

[askandanswer]

9 hours ago, LDSGator said:

 

I’m NEVER alone with a girl. 

Another way of putting that is that a girl would never be alone with @LDSGator 

[LDSGator]

6 hours ago, askandanswer said:

Another way of putting that is that a girl would never be alone with @LDSGator 

Don’t you have a Koala to feed down there? 
 

😛 

[Still_Small_Voice]

After posting here on this subject I believe the LORD wanted me to read on this.  Satan has suddenly thrust many temptations at me recently.  Thankfully, I have not fallen and kept my will thus far.  It seems to happen as I focus on temple worship, the opposition comes.

Thank you all for posting on this subject.  The LORD bless you all.

Edited Sunday at 08:27 AM by Still_Small_Voice

[Carborendum]

On 4/28/2024 at 3:25 AM, Still_Small_Voice said:

After posting here on this subject I believe the LORD wanted me to read on this.  Satan has suddenly thrust many temptations at me recently.  Thankfully, I have not fallen and kept my will thus far.  It seems to happen as I focus on temple worship, the opposition comes.

Thank you all for posting on this subject.  The LORD bless you all.

Hold firm, brother.  I'm sorry that I'm not as good looking as you.  So, I can't relate.  No woman would ever make advances on me.  Most women immediately put me in the "creep" camp even when I merely introduce myself.  So, I've had to train myself to simply not engage with a female unless I have pressing business to tend to.  That attitude has turned me into the "unapproachable" man.

I'm sorry you have to be so handsome that you need to deal with this.  I mean that only semi-sarcastically .  Hold firm.

Edited Monday at 10:32 PM by Carborendum