How to deal with a saboteur/stalker?

[RachelleDrew]

I'm going to say right up front that this is long an complicated. I am just at a loss and don't know how to deal with this issue.

There is a girl who has been a problem for some time now. Up until this point i've ignored it, but recently her efforts are becoming more and more tenacious which leaves me feeling nervous about her future intentions.

This started back in high school, when she was a grade below me. I was not cruel to her, in fact I barely spoke to her as I didn't know her. I will admit that in high school I was obsessed with social status and quite mean to many people, but she was not one of them.

At one point she created a planned assault on the school and a "hit list" of sorts that was found by our school's administration. My name was on it, which confused me until it was revealed that she put every athlete and cheerleader on the "hit list" regardless of how they had treated her. Because of this I chose to ignore the situation as it was plain to me that she was just very disturbed and a confrontation with her would only end badly. I left the situation alone and she was expelled from our school. She enrolled at a school nearby and I didn't hear about her again for around 8 years.

While she attended her new school, she met and dated a guy that she physically and mentally abused. She cut him off from his family, pretended to be pregnant multiple times to keep him around, and insulted his religious beliefs constantly. She even burned his leather-bound quad because it had been given to him by an ex girlfriend and she was jealous. His family became tired of the situation and more or less washed their hands of him. He eventually ended it, moved on to meet, date and marry me. She never got over it and has been positively psychotic ever since.

She made a point to call his friends and family and tell them I had sexually transmitted diseases and that I was a satanist. This is hilarious since I was an investigator when I met him, and certainly don't have any STD's. She then one day began coming to the branch we were attending out of the blue, then took the branch president aside after meetings to spread lies about me in an effort to keep me from being baptized. It worked, and my baptism was constantly pushed back because I had to re-interview several times due to the lies she was telling.

A lot more transpired after that, including her nearly getting me fired from my job. Which eventually led to me hunting her down and demanding that she recant her lies publicly or else I would beat her senseless. She began crying, then immediately backed down and asked that we put everything behind us. I agreed and we chose to ignore each other. I didn't see her again for another year.

Now it is nearly 2009 and I am attending a new ward about an hour away from where everything happened and preparing to begin my family history work. My bishop has been helping me get everything together and is really excited to help me with my first visit to the temple ever. I had a meeting with him a few days ago to discuss my temporary recommend so I could enter the temple to get my family baptized.

I was so excited to go until I got into his office. He looked at me with such concern and I knew something was up. He cut to the chase and told me that a person in the ward had come to him with some concerns about my drug use and wanted to make sure that I understood the word of wisdom before I was a proxy for my family members.

I told him that this person was absolutely mistaken and that I had not used any type of substance since the day I was baptized that would keep me from the temple. The bishop seemed unconvinced, and told me that he would have to pray about it and have further discussions with me before letting me go to the temple. He told me that so long as the information was not correct I had nothing to worry about. But of course you still worry. I went home to my husband and cried, and we racked our brains trying to figure out why (and who) would say such things. I mean, we barely know anyone in our ward so even if I WAS using drugs how on earth would they know anyway?

Today before sacrament we sat down in our usual spots and settled into the seats. Out of the corner of my eye I saw HER with the missionaries chatting. I got my husband's attention and he saw her too. He became so distraught it was all he could do not to run out of the room.

Later on in the day, I asked a sister about her, and apparently she came to the ward last week (while we were gone on vacation) and introduced herself. During the past year she joined the church, and just recently moved to the area. She told the sister that she was my "best friend" in high school, and was asking lots of questions about our son. The entire thing makes me incredibly on edge.

I just got off the phone with the bishop and begged him to make her leave. This entire thing....it makes me nervous. I am certain she is the one who went to my bishop about "drug use", but of course he cannot tell me. I told him that her intentions for joining the church were malicious. He listened, but told me that I couldn't be sure of her intent and that they couldn't turn someone away like that.

I am at a loss, my husband is furious and we are scared for our son since she's taken an interest in him for whatever reason. I've ignored her, i've reasoned with her, i've threatened her. Nothing i've done has made her leave us alone for good. I'm afraid she may be planning to hurt us somehow.

What on earth can I do?

Edited December 29, 2008 by RachelleDrew

[skalenfehl]

Wow. My heart certainly goes out to you. The only thing I can think of is to make sure your bishop knows every detail of yours and your husband's history with her so that he knows the entire situation and even seeking the Lord's council on it together.

On the one hand, you can try and let bygones be bygones. Sometimes destroying your enemy means becoming best friends with her. I just don't know where you draw the line until something serious merits filing a police report and/or obtaining a restraining order. If you're going to be in the same ward, then the best thing to do right off the bat is try and get along. Maybe she really has had that change of heart.

[BenRaines]

Go take the class and get a concealed weapon. As for church if you do not get satisfaction from the Bishop then go to Stake President. People can not just make allegations and have a Bishop take their position. If you answer the questions correctly when the Bishop asks it is their responsibility to accept them. If you lie the sin is on you.

Please do not misunderstand. I am not saying YOU, I am saying whoever answers the question as a lie.

Ben Raines

[Dr T]

I went to a Stalking conference recently. I learned that some areas are starting to take stalking more seriously. One of the main things to get across to the police is that "You feel scared or threatened" by her actions. Document it all so u have some paperwork to show why u are frightened. Good luck to u.

[BenRaines]

The response should always be if you have a situation where you have to take action against another person to protect yourself " I feared for my life".

Ben Raines

[melissar]

You will be in my prayers. I do not really have any advice to give other than what has already been given, but you will be in my prayers.

[NeuroTypical]

What on earth can I do?

You can move to another state - that would probably end it.

It sounds a bit extreme, and it probably is for just one scary person. It worked perfectly for me and my wife, who had a huge pile of scary people to get away from.

LM

[Saraphina]

I think it would be wise to go to the police. That's all I can say. Talk to your stake leaders, and then go to the police. This has gotten out of hand (long ago it sounds like) and the safety of your child cannot be threatened.

[MarginOfError]

You can move to another state - that would probably end it.

It sounds a bit extreme, and it probably is for just one scary person. It worked perfectly for me and my wife, who had a huge pile of scary people to get away from.

LM

My ward could use you! Please come!

But it's true, you should be documenting everything and having a detailed, candid conversation with your Bishop and Stake President. You may even be able to attend a different ward to ease the tensions. In a situation like this, it is likely you'd get permission from the Stake President to do this.

[Elgama]

Rachelle I am sorry you are going through this, I had a stalker but she only ever targeted me online, she ran me off a number of forums when I was pregnant, I also realised she knew enough about that she knew me in Real Life it was horrible because I didn't know who she was.

I think I do now and she actually moved away some time ago. I think you shoiuld sit down and log every incident you can think of back til High School, then pray and get a blessing about it. I would then personally take it to your Bishop and warn him you are going to see a solicitor and the police, I don't know how restraining orders work in the US but it should prevent her being able to attend your Ward.

-Charley

[Mirium]

I'm so sorry to hear your going through this. I will pray for you. Your sons saftey must be your priority. If it was me I would want to move away but I know that is not always a convenient solution. Take it to the Lord. Ask Him for guidance. I also agree that you should make sure your Bishop and Stake President are fully aware of everything.

[Guest Alana]

What a crazy situation. My first thought was to document everything. If things get too far along, a restraining order may be the way to go, but to make it more than a temporary one, you'll need proof of everything she's done, not just you saying your side of the story. This is probably a good thing to fast and pray on. If her intentions are malicious, then talking to her isn't going to do anything. But maybe things aren't as simple as they seem. Rely on the spirit to guide you. Get a blessing, pray for the spirit to guide and warn you. As stupid as this situation is, it sure is a great opportunity to grow.

Love those who hate you, bless those that curse you, pray for those who despitefully use you and persecute you.

Pray for your family and her. Also, trying to see her as Heavenly Father does might help you to not focus so much on this, but keep your mind clear and free to enjoy all the good things in your life.

[applepansy]

Everyone has said it all. . .you and your family are in my prayers. This is just scarey.

applepansy

[jolee65]

Well if you did get a restraining order that would also keep her away from your ward.

[Gwen]

my opinion as i read your story is make sure and stay close to the spirit and follow all hunches, promptings, intuition, or even paranoia at this point.... i was most bothered by her interest in your son..... is she capable of kidnapping him? i know that may sound extreme but you really never know who is capable of such things.

when my mom was a single mom of 2 she had a girl about 20 that would baby sit for her (had the same landlord), took the kids to the park, seemed like a blessing to a overworked single mom. one day the girl shows up and offered to take the youngest on a walk up the road to the store for a treat. something felt off that day so she said not today. later she saw the landlord and asked about her and he said she had moved that morning, she had notified him she was leaving weeks before. she never saw the girl again. looked like she was planning on taking a kid with her when she left but it didn't work out. could be a wrong suspicion but don't really want to know for sure.

trust your gut when it comes to your kids.

[siouxz72]

Rachelle, I most heartily agree with Ben Raines and Dr T. Go to the class and get a concealed weapon. Notify the police you're feeling threatened and go to your Stake Presidency.

[Iggy]

Well if you did get a restraining order that would also keep her away from your ward.

That doesn't necessarily work- in AZ at least- a restraining order will NOT include places of worship.

Include your child's school though.

We got a restraining order against a gent, and put in our ward building. The judge excluded the church.

But getting a restraining order DOES get it on record that she is harassing you. You need as much as possible documented that she is a danger/nuisance to you and your family.

[jolee65]

That doesn't necessarily work- in AZ at least- a restraining order will NOT include places of worship.

Include your child's school though.

We got a restraining order against a gent, and put in our ward building. The judge excluded the church.

But getting a restraining order DOES get it on record that she is harassing you. You need as much as possible documented that she is a danger/nuisance to you and your family.

Really thats concerning ,we do have other wards and branchs.

[lilered]

My advise would be to sit down and thoughtfully write a letter to your Bishop. Give him a brief summary of prior incidences/expierences with this woman and express your current concerns.

In the letter I would not advise him of any action uou think he should take but rather let him use the Keys he is given to discern this. I would also visit with the local police and give them the same information. I would do it with the accompaniament of your husband. As far as your son is concerned, I would talk with legal counsel to see what the approriate legal action would be to prevent contact between her and your family members.

My view is that the Church does have a responsiblity to see that you are able to worship and attend the church without fear from another member.

The advise given previously to take a course and obtain a gun permit may be a bit premature at this point unless additional incidents actually occur.

[Gwen]

how old was your son again? if he is even remotely old enough have talks with him about strangers, not to talk to them, not to go with them, how to throw the right kind of fit (lol most kids don't need much more than permission to do so), etc. do it how you would normally teach a child, don't scare him. but do include (i do with my kids) that just cause someone is at church does not give you permission to go with them. do you have a family code word? if you feel especially threatened you may want to even point her out as someone that makes you feel uncomfortable.

[ruthiechan]

I would be most concerned with your son. Be concerned about her church callings as well. If she gets put into primary. . .

Also, people are nice and wonderful, which means they will give this woman all sorts of information, your number (how many times have I called someone from church and asked for a phone number?), your address, where you work, where your husband works, where your son goes while you're at work, his name, his favorite toys and things, etc. All under the guise of helping her "catch up." I am willing to bet that she knew you were on vacation and that was the time to move into the ward. She's chatting with the missionaries, they probably told her all sorts of stuff without realizing she's a problem.

Not only this, but it is possible to track someone down. My mother received a letter from someone who had known her while she lived in Germany many years ago. My mother was tracked down using church records. For Mom this was positive. I am letting you know about this possibility because yeah, you could move to another state, but if you tell anyone where you are going in your ward someone is going to slip and tell her. And even if you don't, how simple it is to track you down through church records and asking nicely for the information... (I will admit I do not know the particulars of how such is down, but when it comes to my kids my paranoia meter would be up full bore.)

[lestertheemt]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I haven't read all the replies but I strongly urge you to get law enforcement involved. I don't know where you are from and what the laws are there, but they need a paper trail. There are stalking laws that are there to protect you....please use them not only for your safety, but for your families as well.

[breezygirl]

I was stalked years ago. I moved 3 times before I lost my stalker. The story you tell of this girl raises the hair on the back of my neck. I believe you need to get your husband and yourself to the police and file a report.Log all incidents and report anything that comes up to the officer assigned to your case. Take the case number the police give you and a copy of your report and leave one with your bishop and stake president. Make sure if your son is in school that the school has a copy and that they understand that your son is at risk from this person. They will help you maintain his safety You absolutely cannot be worried that you are overreacting to the potential threat. The security of your home needs to be examined and upgraded if possible. Make sure you have a secue safe room you and your son and husband can get to if she comes at you in your own home, the suggestion to get a gun is smart and sound advice. Take the classes... both of you, and understand how to protect each other safely. Ask your neighbors , friends and family to help you keep watch. Inform whoever employs you and/ or your husbandof what is happening and ask that no information be given out and to be notified about any info requests. Flag your credit reports as well.I may sound dramatic and paranoid but believe me when I tell you that I lived this and the suggestions I have made are a bare minimum to keep your family safe. May God keep you and yours in the palms of His hands.

[Hemidakota]

Wow. My heart certainly goes out to you. The only thing I can think of is to make sure your bishop knows every detail of yours and your husband's history with her so that he knows the entire situation and even seeking the Lord's council on it together.

On the one hand, you can try and let bygones be bygones. Sometimes destroying your enemy means becoming best friends with her. I just don't know where you draw the line until something serious merits filing a police report and/or obtaining a restraining order. If you're going to be in the same ward, then the best thing to do right off the bat is try and get along. Maybe she really has had that change of heart.

Ditto...

[BenRaines]

As I read about a "restraining order" I keep thinking of the Dixie Chicks song and Earl. How he walked through the restraining order and put her in the hospital.

Be Prepared. Be a good Boy Scout. Be Prepared to defend yourself. Don't be a victim.

Ben Raines