How do I tell my wife I am leaving the church?

[Swiper]

I'm inclined to agree with Beefche, realize she's gonna hurt and she's going to grieve. So in addition to seeking the gentlest way to break the news to her you need to realize that it will take her time to come to grips with this if she hasn't already seen it coming.

I do believe that she to some extent do see it coming. She knows that I do not go to church unless she forces me to go. I don't think, however, that she knows that I am ready to leave the church.

Do your best to avoid the appearance of the bitter and angry ex-Mormon. I'm not saying you'll be one, but the fear that leaving the Church is just your first step to railing against the Church will probably be buried somewhere in the back of her mind.

I will try my best to avoid to alienating her. I have no hard feelings against the members of the church and I recognize that there are good things about the church (not just black or white) It's just not the right church for me anymore. If the church is right one for her I will support her continued membership.

I fear of having to explain my unhappiness with the church to her in deeper detail. What if she refuses to accept "the church is not the right one for me anymore" as an explanation? I do not want to destroy her belief system.

[Dravin]

I fear of having to explain my unhappiness with the church to her in deeper detail. What if she refuses to accept "the church is not the right one for me anymore" as an explanation? I do not want to destroy her belief system.

I would focus on testimony not necessarily doctrines. Sure there are doctrines or policies that you don't agree with or you actively dislike but fundamentally the issue is testimony. How likely your wife is to try to corner you into giving a detail laundry list with reasoning... you'd know better than any here.

Edited July 21, 2012 by Dravin

[NightSG]

She became stronger in her faith while I struggled to keep up with her. To make her happy I accepted certain concepts before I was ready for them. It became a slippery slope from there.

This is the first thing you need to talk to her about.

Guess I need to give some background here: the friend I mentioned in the other thread also happens to be a very attractive woman that I had quite a crush on back in the day. I still do and she knows it now, and the feeling is at least somewhat mutual though she's got to get done with a drawn-out divorce before we can really explore that. (Yeah, everybody that saw us the first couple of times she brought me to church - including the bishop - knew before we admitted it to each other...guess it shows a bit.)

I firmly believe that I was led to her at a time when I was ready to be brought back to Christ, one way or another and she needed something to strengthen her faith. I'd like to think she was chosen for other reasons as well, (I have other LDS friends who probably could have brought me in.) and that caused me a little uneasiness during the first couple of discussions. When the bishop asked me point blank if I was doing it because of her, it finally dawned on me that it was because of her, but I wasn't doing it for her. She was the example of how I wanted to live my faith, and had been for a long time, and I was taking the obvious steps to bring myself to that by learning about her faith.

Once I clarified that for myself, I realized that I was just studying her example in detail, and I could just as easily take what I learned and go back to the Methodist church rather than convert. If she faltered again, maybe I could even take her with me and at least keep her from getting in too much trouble until she was ready to go back. As I was reading the BoM, though, it just felt right. Had I not removed the pressure of wondering if I was doing it for her, I might never have opened myself up to it in that way.

Short version, tell her the truth, and offer to try starting over from the beginning. Read the scriptures with an open mind and an open heart, for yourself only, and see what happens.

Edited July 21, 2012 by NightSG

[Suzie]

Swiper, I don't know you personally but based on your few posts on this thread I sense you care lots about your wife and you are not leaving the Church bitterly. What you are going to do is going to be hard for everyone involved and yes, your wife will go through a mourning period but I believe once you continue showing your deepest love towards her, she will be able to handle it a little easier.

I wish you all the best and I hope you can be a great asset to whatever religious organization you choose. :)

[applepansy]

Swiper, one thing that hasn't been addressed in this thread is your children. Are you going to allow them to continue membership in the church? If not, ...well, that would be the toughest issue for me if I was in your wife's shoes.

[SisterSarah]

:)

I'm a convert into the church since the late 1990s. I'm married to a "Molly Mormon" for the last 15 years. We are sealed in the temple and we have a preteen daughter (baptised and born in the Covenant). I have followed the Commandments, the Covenant, Word of Wisdom, etc, and I been a good father and husband through the years.

The problem is that I never truly gained a real testimony about the truthfulness of the Gospel and the church. I joined the church to make my wife happy with the hopes that I one day would gain a testimony. Unfortunately,I never gained a this testimony and for the last decade I have pretty much only done enough in the church to get by and to please my wife.

I how now reached a point in my life when I can no longer pretend to be a true believer. I'm a very spiritual person, but I have not been able to follow my true spiritual path for many years and I am tired of not being able to do so. I do not have (and will never have) a testimony about the truthfulness of the gospel; I disagree with many of the church doctrines; and I can not sustain the church leadership anymore. I want to resign my membership and join a different religious group.

The problem is that I do love my "Molly Mormon" wife and don't want to hurt her feeling. How can I best let her know about my disbelief without completely destroy her? Any advice is appreciated.

Hi Swiper,

I have a few ideas to run by you, and since it appears that you are open minded and spiritual, at least hear me out and consider a few new ideas.

First of all "Molly" has been married to you for a number of years and had a child with you that is in her teens. Assuming the two of you have a good marriage (you said you were changing church affiliations not getting a divorce), then I would also assume "Molly" knows you enough so as not to be completely believe that you are not a strong believer in the Mormon faith or at least the church policies. If she is strong in the church, then telling her straight up that you want nothing to do with the church, will likely be anywhere from unsettling to emotionally disasterous to her. Somehow I think he will not be totally shocked and there may be ways to work it all out over time.

Here are a few suggestions and take them for what it's worth. I am sure some on this forum will disagree with me, but there may be some alternatives to making a fast decision that winds up throwing the baby with the bath water. So perhaps consider these ideas as an alternative option:

First go to your quiet place where you can think, pray, meditate or whatever makes you feel most connected and spiritual. During this time, think about your time in the LDS church. Think about the things that you DO and DID like about it, and think about what attracted you to "Molly" who was apparently always in the church.

Next define testimony! This is VERY important. The reason is, I believe there are countless people that are members of the LDS church that define if differently than the churches policies, political stands and such. There are some, (not the majority perhaps but more than you think), that think of the prophets as leaders of the church and have revelations regarding the running of the church, but not necessarily running the lives and minds of their lives. When Mormons attend a fast and testimony Sunday and bear their testimony believing the church is true, believing God is alive, believing in a living prophet; some may believe that in fundamental and literal terms and others may interpret it according to their spiritual beliefs. Somehow I don't think that you believe the church is completely false. You may see the truth in it but also be dealing with how your thinking differs from others you see in the church. Not everyone in the church has this clear eyed view exciting dramatic, unshaking faith testimony. In fact many members a a work in progress and may continue to be throughout their lives.

Ok so now lets say you want to pursue another congregation where you can persue your spiritual path, and growth. Even if you sign up to membership and join the Unitarian Universalist church, the Unitarians are not going to judge you, or deny you membership if you still afilliate in another church. You will be accepted no matter what religion you are. regardless of how active, inactive or even a complete non believer in God.

Now if you join the Unitarian church, the LDS church will consider you not worthy to go to the Temple, but it seems that is a non issue to you anyway. Mormons will still welcome you to church meetings and social events.

So at this juncture in your life, I would not go to any extremes. Don't request your name to be removed from the church rolls just yet. If you are already set about joining the Unitarian Universalist Church, then enjoy the fellowship, and learn and grow in your spiritual quest. You can be on the LDS church rolls the rest of your life with no problem as far as the Unitarian Universalist church is concerned.

This way your intact marriage will have time to deal with the changes. It is a much softer approach to your wife.

By not burning the bridges so quickly you can also continue to enjoy those things about the LDS church that was attractive to you.

This also gives you the option for open and honest communication with LDS church members and not cut yourself off completely. Perhaps in the future you may consider returning to the LDS church with a very different perspective on what a testimony is. Perhaps you will remain a Unitarian Universalist. Or maybe you will more on to another church, or maybe none at all.

I respect you for being honest and true to yourself and your family. Regardless of the outcome, which may or may not be what you are ultimately hoping for, at least you are giving yourself and your family time to digest all this and put it into perspective.

I wish you, your wife and your daughter nothing but joy as you each embark on your spiritual journey.

Sarah :)

[applepansy]

SisterSarah, I like your "don't throw the baby out with the bathwater" approach.

[annewandering]

You say that your wife did not want people to push you into joining the church in the first place. Ok. Unless she has changed a lot she probably still believes that is best. That belief will probably help her a great deal. It sounds, to me, that she prefers an honest husband to one that joins for her but doesnt believe. It is not going to be easy for her but at least she has that going for her.

By the way, earlier I was not trying to guilt trip you. I wanted you to stop and think hard about what you are considering doing. Sometimes nice isnt the most effective way to do that. Personally, I might not want to hear something like what you want to say but I would rather see honesty. I suspect your wife might also prefer honesty.

[applepansy]

Maureen just posted an article that might help you: http://www.lds.net/forums/general-discussion/47686-maxine-hanks-returns-lds-church.html

[KirtlandSaintinZion]

You could always join Community of Christ- they are basically a Restoration version of UU.

[annewandering]

You could always join Community of Christ- they are basically a Restoration version of UU.

And they have gay female priesthood members. If that is what you are looking for.

[NeuroTypical]

How do I tell my wife I am leaving the church?

Preferably before you have children.

[Backroads]

Honestly? I say just tell her and be ready to give her lots of emotional support because she's going to need it.

But I also have to ask... is it the basics of the gospel that bother you or just random doctrines and policies?

[beefche]

Too late, Loudmouth. Read the OP again.

[Misshalfway]

Well, I can't know how your wife will take the news. Perhaps it will be devastating to her. Perhaps she's been watching you and "knows" more than you are giving her credit. Based upon your descriptions of her attitudes, especially before you got baptized, I have to believe that she is a woman of perspective. Something that I'd trust if I were in your shoes.

I think it might help if you prepared her a bit. Maybe you talk to her a few days in advance and say, "Sweetie, I've got something I need to talk to you about. I'd like to make sure we have time and privacy. So, when do you think it'd be a good time?" Might also be good to ask for what you need before you tell her the news. Something like, "This is a hard thing for me. I really need your support and your openminded-ness now more than ever. It's ok for you to feel whatever you need to feel too. But I need you to be a soft place for me as I tell you these things."

I also wonder if you counseled WITH her about your concerns, rather than just dropping a bomb and arbitrarily stating your new position. What if you shared some of your feelings and asked for her input on how you should proceed. This shows you care about her opinions and feelings and that you value her involvement in decisions that impact the whole family. It also opens the dialogue to sharing how you've struggled to come to the position you now find yourself and how she may be struggling with it.

I think it might be good to have more than one conversation. Or maybe an ongoing conversation for a while. And I love what Beefche said about expecting a mourning process. Anything you can do to offer patience in however she reacts can only benefit the situation. Empathy, validation of her feelings, listening to her, offering care for her concerns and fears are all great positions to take. This will be an important antidote if either of you gets defensive.

Speaking from some experience, back when I was really questioning things, I went to my husband and shared my concerns. He was so understanding and supportive. I was never really afraid....I knew him pretty well. But he exceeded all my expectations in terms of love and support as I've wrestled with just about every aspect of the mormon church. He was patient and he didn't ever overreact! He cried with me, mourned with me, and prayed with me. And he told me over and over he'd support me no matter what conclusions I came to. And I tried my best to be a soft place for him when he had fears or concerns about my path. It actually turned out to be one of the most bonding experiences for us. And now, we both have a firmer foundation in regards to what we believe and we are both so grateful for the experience. We've learned SO MUCH!

I guess what I'm saying is that it doesn't have to be the "worst thing ever." Even if the news is hard for her at first, it can be a refining journey for the both of you. We are all in process. And some of us need to leave the flock for a wise purpose. If that's what you feel you need, who am I to say that you aren't being led? And anyway, every marriage is tested with something. Looks like this will be yours.

Edited July 22, 2012 by Misshalfway

[Vort]

If the Lord told me that the church is the one true church, I would be willing to hear it even if the doctrine contradicts my personal beliefs and values. If something is true then its true. I would love it if the church was everything it claims to be, and I would love it if it was his own restored Church.

Please note that this is not at all what you claimed earlier:

I have shut the door to gaining a testimony. The church would have to make radical changes to its doctrine and policies for me to even want to gain a testimony.

According to this, you would not even want to gain a testimony until the LDS Church's social opinions were closer to your own. Ideally, you would want to gain a testimony if there were a testimony to be gained (remembering that a "testimony" is a personal revelation from God about the truthfulness of the restored gospel and the LDS Church).

If your newer clarification is correct -- that is, if you "would be willing to hear it even if the doctrine contradicts my personal beliefs and values" -- then you need to find out "[ i]f the Lord [will tell you] that the church is the one true church".

But if you have already prejudiced yourself against the Church by deciding that its social teachings are not fashionable in the face of popular ideas of the last ten or so years, that is unlikely to happen.

[Gramajane]

Since the poster said " I do not have (and will never have) a testimony"

--- I totally doubt he will be blessed to receive a testimony of the church, as the saying goes "wether you think you will or you think you won't, you are probably right".

I'm just sad that it seems to have been ok with him to not share with his wife or the missionaries etc from the very beginning that he did not feel the holy spirit.

--- as it seems then that his whole membership/marriage may be built on deceit? How awful. I do not see any way that he can expect to not devastate his wife and daughter with that confession, still it is better to begin today to be as honest as possible.

--- I would recommend though that he ONLY choose to disclose his deceit when he had made sure that she has someone she loves and trusts there to provide emotional/spiritual support, and who will be around enough to provide it while she works to deal with it.

---- I just realized that I am not responding directly to the original poster-- that was not on purpose, but I suppose maybe natural, as it seems to me that he has had a hard time to deal with people honestly. I pray to our Heavenly Father for whatever it is that he, and we all, each most needs to be blessed with as we face the challenges in this boarding school of heaven earth life! Shalom!

[Misshalfway]

I don't think that Swiper began his marriage in deceit. I think they began like most young couples...in good faith. I remember what I was like back in my 20's. I did the best I could. But what I wouldn't give to go back and make my decisions with the brain I have now. :)

And while we make promises at marriage, we don't promise that we'll never change or that we'll never struggle. The fact is that people do change and that MANY pass through trials of faith. We grow....and we grow up. Marriage is about growing up together....even if its hard and even if we have to deal with the unexpected. So what if his trial looks on its face different than some others. And who knows how this story will end. I think it takes a load of courage to have this conversation....with us AND with his wife. It's ok if he is hesitating and trying to prepare for the best outcome. I think that shows the love he has for his wife.

[MorningStar]

I'm sure your wife sees plenty of signs that you don't believe like my mom saw with my dad. One day she asked him, "Do you even believe in it?" He blurted out, "NO!" She was devastated, but there was also a sense of relief not sitting with him in church because it was obvious how tense he was. Even as a 4-year-old, I could see he didn't want to be there. He stopped believing in God period and says he's an Atheist, but he never left the church officially.

My parents stayed together and I think the thing that helped the most was respect for each other's beliefs. He never tried to talk any of us out of the church and we never tried to force him back, although sometimes we'll joke that it's Dad's turn to say the prayer. It did make FHE a little awkward. Either we didn't have it or we made it more of a secular thing. I remember having a lesson about Joseph Smith in the family room while Dad was off somewhere reading. Family prayers and scripture study was also difficult. It's hard when you know your dad believes it's all a crock and a waste of time.

I think you should just tell her and get ready to support her because she will be very sad. It's a big adjustment when someone you love decides to leave the church. I'm sad to hear you have made that decision.

[Gramajane]

Well, if a person began their marriage in the temple, and they didn't believe the church was true, from the beginning, then I rather think they would have had to lie to get a temple recommend, right? So that is why I said the marriage may have begun with deceit.

--- Though if they were married not in the temple, first, then this is not necessarily true. I always hope for the best. :)

[Wingnut]

Well, if a person began their marriage in the temple, and they didn't believe the church was true, from the beginning, then I rather think they would have had to lie to get a temple recommend, right? So that is why I said the marriage may have begun with deceit.

--- Though if they were married not in the temple, first, then this is not necessarily true. I always hope for the best. :)

The OP said he wasn't yet a member when they got married.

[Swiper]

I would focus on testimony not necessarily doctrines. Sure there are doctrines or policies that you don't agree with or you actively dislike but fundamentally the issue is testimony. How likely your wife is to try to corner you into giving a detail laundry list with reasoning... you'd know better than any here.

I'm pretty sure she would want an explanation. If I focus on testimony I believe that she probably want me to continue to attempt to gain a testimony. One of those "If you love me, you will do this for me" things. I guess that I should prepare for both possibilites and attempt the testimony issue and only go the other route if she persists.

This is the first thing you need to talk to her about.

Guess I need to give some background here: the friend I mentioned in the other thread also happens to be a very attractive woman that I had quite a crush on back in the day.

/.../

Short version, tell her the truth, and offer to try starting over from the beginning. Read the scriptures with an open mind and an open heart, for yourself only, and see what happens.

Thank you for sharing.

Swiper, I don't know you personally but based on your few posts on this thread I sense you care lots about your wife and you are not leaving the Church bitterly. What you are going to do is going to be hard for everyone involved and yes, your wife will go through a mourning period but I believe once you continue showing your deepest love towards her, she will be able to handle it a little easier.

I wish you all the best and I hope you can be a great asset to whatever religious organization you choose. :)

Thank you.

Swiper, one thing that hasn't been addressed in this thread is your children. Are you going to allow them to continue membership in the church? If not, ...well, that would be the toughest issue for me if I was in your wife's shoes.

We only have one child. My daughter have severe mental health issues that makes the question of church membership not on the top of list of my worries. If she wants stay in the church (she is baptised) she may do so. However, I doubt she would go voluntarly if given an option. She thinks that church attendance is cutting in on her "project time" and every Sunday is a struggle to get her to get dressed and to church.

[Dravin]

I'm pretty sure she would want an explanation. If I focus on testimony I believe that she probably want me to continue to attempt to gain a testimony. One of those "If you love me, you will do this for me" things. I guess that I should prepare for both possibilites and attempt the testimony issue and only go the other route if she persists.

Better to take the Boy Scout route in such a situation rather than be caught unprepared.

[Swiper]

:)

First of all "Molly" has been married to you for a number of years and had a child with you that is in her teens. Assuming the two of you have a good marriage (you said you were changing church affiliations not getting a divorce), then I would also assume "Molly" knows you enough so as not to be completely believe that you are not a strong believer in the Mormon faith or at least the church policies.

We have a good marriage by commonly accepted standards. Not perfect, but good enough. I guess that the biggest issue is that we become more like best friends and roommates than a husband and wife. Anyhow, she knows me well enough that my faith in the church is rather weak right now. She also knows how I feel about the church's views on the gay marriage issue and other civil right issues. I'm not hiding that I'm pro-"gay marriage" and its all over my Facebook wall for the world to see.

If she is strong in the church, then telling her straight up that you want nothing to do with the church, will likely be anywhere from unsettling to emotionally disasterous to her. Somehow I think he will not be totally shocked and there may be ways to work it all out over time.

I think it will make her emotionally distressed but I don't think it will come as a shock to her.

Somehow I don't think that you believe the church is completely false. You may see the truth in it but also be dealing with how your thinking differs from others you see in the church. Not everyone in the church has this clear eyed view exciting dramatic, unshaking faith testimony. In fact many members a a work in progress and may continue to be throughout their lives.

I do not believe that the church is more true or false than any other Christian denominations or other religions for that matter. They are all vehicles for spiritual growth and ways to come closer to God. I just feel that the church is no longer the right vehicle for my personal spiritual growth. It might still be the right one for her.

Ok so now lets say you want to pursue another congregation where you can persue your spiritual path, and growth. Even if you sign up to membership and join the Unitarian Universalist church, the Unitarians are not going to judge you, or deny you membership if you still afilliate in another church. You will be accepted no matter what religion you are. regardless of how active, inactive or even a complete non believer in God.

Last Saturday I decided to attend the afternoon service for the local Unitarian Universalist Church. While I was sitting there and listening to the sermon, I actually felt a "burning in the bosom" followed a feeling of inner peace. I never had that experience during a LDS sacrament during all these years. I know there could be a psychological reasons for this feeling, but I am taking it as a sign that the UU church is where I need to be.

So at this juncture in your life, I would not go to any extremes. Don't request your name to be removed from the church rolls just yet. If you are already set about joining the Unitarian Universalist Church, then enjoy the fellowship, and learn and grow in your spiritual quest. You can be on the LDS church rolls the rest of your life with no problem as far as the Unitarian Universalist church is concerned.

I guess that I could remain on the membership roll as longs the church doesn't make any issue out of it. If the church and my wife allows me to follow a different spiritual path and doesnt try to intervene I would be fine leaving my name on the roll.

I wish you, your wife and your daughter nothing but joy as you each embark on your spiritual journey.

Thank you, Sarah.

[Swiper]

You could always join Community of Christ- they are basically a Restoration version of UU.

I have considered it. Unfortunately, the nearest Community of Christ church building is about two hours drive from my house. Community of Christ does seem to better reflect my religious views and values than the LDS church.

And they have gay female priesthood members. If that is what you are looking for.

I do not mind gay female priesthood members. I have always felt it was wrong that women couldn't hold the priesthood in the LDS church. Somebody like me can become a Melchizedek priesthood holder without any problems, while a righteous LDS woman can never get even the Aaronic priesthood no matter how hard she tries to serve the Lord.

Honestly? I say just tell her and be ready to give her lots of emotional support because she's going to need it.

But I also have to ask... is it the basics of the gospel that bother you or just random doctrines and policies?

There is several issues with the chuch. Some relates to the history of the church, some pertains to doctrine, and some to its policies. I could tolerate the issues with its history and its doctrine as long as I felt that its policies were fair and tolerable. The biggest issue I have right now pertains to Proposition 8 and the church's active opposition to gay marriage. The church stepped over the line when encouraged its members to actively work to deny non-members their basic civil rights and to destroy families of non-members just because the families consists of a gay couple. There was no justification for this. Gay marriage does not hurt traditional marriage. Gay marriage does not make a traditional LDS marriage any less sacred or valid. I think its beyond wrong to deny people their basic civil rights and attempt to destroy their families because of your religious beliefs. I know that I am not the only LDS member that feel the same about this issue.