Is it appropriate to tell a girl you're interested in them while she's already dating someone?

[anatess2]

11 hours ago, chasingthewind said:

But I've done the same thing to her.  I've talked to her before about dating another girl.  I dated a girl in NY for a few months and told the girl in Utah about it.. sooo, yeah. 

In general it doesn't seem like a good sign - I agree.  I think it's more of a problem of distance than anything else, though.  If we lived closer to each other and she was still dating other people and telling me about it, then it would be concerning.  But since she's farther away, I don't find it all that troubling.  She probably doesn't feel like I'm a live option right now.  But if our visit goes well and we figure out ways to spend more time with each other, then maybe that will change... 

 

 

Okay, chasingthewind, I've read this entire thread and my advice still stands.  Go Duckie.  But, in case your mother rightly shielded you from the sleazy world of 80's cult movies and don't know what I'm talking about, I'm going to be serious with you.

What do you mean when you say you love this woman?  What does LOVE mean to you?  Because you know... having that butterfly in your stomach and that pitter-pattering of your heart, and those jelly knees, and those daydreams is not quite Love, you see.  Love is wanting to bring the woman joy.  That means - what makes you happy is to be able to give this woman everlasting joy.  It's not - wanting her to give you joy.  You see?

Now, Duckie is the perfect illustration of this.  Duckie loves Andie.  They're best friends.  Duckie goes to Andie's house every morning to walk her to school, goes to her house to do homework together and he goes home thinking, yes, Andie is happy today.  Meanwhile, Andie has friend-zoned him.  Duckie to Andie is her best friend and would never be anything else.  Andie tells Duckie this all the time.  So, does this change Duckie?  No.  Duckie loves Andie.  It is not dependent on Andie loving him back.  So, Duckie spends his time with Andie and goes home thinking, yes, I've helped make Andie happy today.  Well... comes the day when Andie does something that Duckie thinks is going to make her unhappy.  Andie fell in love with Blaine.  Blaine is in with the bad crowd.  And, Duckie, loving Andie, of course, feels he is so much better for Andie than Blaine is.  So he confronts her about it.  Andie got upset with Duckie and tells him to back off.  Duckie, in a moment of weakness and being hurt badly, throws a big tantrum.  It didn't work out for Duckie, of course, because throwing a tantrum is always a stupid thing to do.  Well, Duckie's fears came true and Blaine ended up hurting Andie badly.  In total high-school fashion, the big moment always comes at the Prom.  Andie was supposed to go with Blaine to the prom but Blaine backed out of it.  So Andie took courage and went to the prom by herself.  On the hallway leading to the gym doors, Duckie stands there, also going to the prom alone, to give Andie moral support.  Andie forgives Duckie for being an idiot and they're friends again.  As they enter the gym, Andie sees Blaine going to her and she was going to give him the cut-direct but Duckie told her that Blaine came to the prom alone.  Duckie learned that Blaine is actually a good guy that just got caught in the middle of bad friends.  So Duckie encouraged Andie to talk to Blaine.  Blaine apologized for being a doofus and Andie and Blaine live happily ever after.  Duckie, in the meantime, was happy because... Andie is happy and Blaine is a good guy.

So, in conclusion... if you REALLY love somebody (and not just Loving the idea of being in love with somebody), you will only have one question you need to answer - what will make her happy?  Happiness, of course, comes from being closer to Christ.  If you believe that you are THE GUY that can bring her closer to Christ and make her happy... GO DUCKIE!  FIGHT FOR ANDIE!  Give Blaine a run for his money.  You might get hurt - very badly - but, if Andie is happy choosing Blaine, you've achieved your objective... and you can go be Duckie to somebody else.

 

Edited July 21, 2017 by anatess2

[Suzie]

14 hours ago, chasingthewind said:

But I've done the same thing to her.  I've talked to her before about dating another girl.  I dated a girl in NY for a few months and told the girl in Utah about it.. sooo, yeah. 

In general it doesn't seem like a good sign - I agree.  I think it's more of a problem of distance than anything else, though.  If we lived closer to each other and she was still dating other people and telling me about it, then it would be concerning.  But since she's farther away, I don't find it all that troubling.  She probably doesn't feel like I'm a live option right now.  But if our visit goes well and we figure out ways to spend more time with each other, then maybe that will change... 

 

 

Well, in my view doesn't sound then that you are madly in love with her as stated in your OP. Just my opinion.

[eddified]

Disclaimer, I haven't read all of the comments.

 

If you're like me (and I'm male), remaining friends forever with someone you have romantic feelings for is just not fulfilling. In my opinion, it's better to tell her your feelings and [probably] have to move on, than stay forever in the friend zone. But you can probably still be friends again later after you've gotten over her. So it's not like these things are mutually exclusive. 

 

Im sorry to break it to you, but it really does sound like the probability of her reciprocating your feelings are low. I've been a missionary, and missionaries LOVE the people they teach! They love them with a Christlike love. It *IS* possible she feels the same way you feel towards her, but I think the chances are low based on what I'm seeing.

 

Good luck.

[eddified]

@chasingthewind, it does sound like you have a pretty good relationship, as friends. While it seems there *are* some signs of infatuation, I would say it's on top of a foundation of a really good friendship, -- not the really shallow type of infatuation. This is what I'd call a healthy level of infatuation, which is normal and helps humans get married. 

I'm confident that if she doesn't return your feelings, you can still remain friends (in the long-term at least) even after your "spilling the beans". 

Edited July 21, 2017 by eddified

[SpiritDragon]

12 hours ago, person0 said:

I suppose then that this unsuspecting man is a victim of rape culture?    Or does it not count because they are Asian?   

I don't actually even like the term Rape Culture because it conjures up the idea that we are teaching people that rape is okay, which clearly isn't really the case in the society that I live in. However, when I had it better explained to me that it has to do with the concept of not getting consent before making physical contact among other things that it represents, I have to admit that there is some validity to such a culture. With that in mind your suggestion, perhaps tongue in cheek, was to go ahead and kiss her quickly before she could say no which is definitely making a move into someones physical space without consent. Yes, this girl kissing this guy could indeed fall into the same category as it appears he is not given a chance to consent to the action. Perhaps, this fellow wanted to save his first kiss for his wedding day or would like to be sure that the girl kissing him doesn't pose a risk for giving him oral herpes or any other number of reasons that people should not be kissed without consent.

Edited July 22, 2017 by SpiritDragon

[chasingthewind]

omg. she sent a text and said she's been "thinking about me all week".  my heart is melting.  

[Guest]

On 7/23/2017 at 1:56 AM, chasingthewind said:

omg. she sent a text and said she's been "thinking about me all week".  my heart is melting.  

Florence Nightingale.

[anatess2]

On 7/23/2017 at 2:56 AM, chasingthewind said:

omg. she sent a text and said she's been "thinking about me all week".  my heart is melting.  

So tell her already - "My heart just melted.  I want to be your boyfriend.  I want to think of you all week without worrying about that other guy you're dating.  Are you interested?"

Edited July 24, 2017 by anatess2

[Vort]

4 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

So tell her already - "My heart just melted.  I want to be your boyfriend.  I want to think of you all week without worrying about that other guy you're dating.  Are you interested?"

Behold the easy, straightforward way to avoid drama.

[mdfxdb]

On 7/22/2017 at 11:56 PM, chasingthewind said:

omg. she sent a text and said she's been "thinking about me all week".  my heart is melting.  

really????  

Dude, really?

time to lay it out and see what happens.

[Bad Karma]

OP,

Lay it out to her, you may crash and burn, stuff happens! You may strike gold. If you don't say something, you will NEVER know, if you crash and burn, you're going to strike the hard deck and that sucks, welcome to everything everyone else has gone through at least once. Welcome to having a heart. The possibilities are exciting and scary, but this is life, charge forward if you wish. Or, maybe she'll just club you upside the head and drag you off because she is sick of waiting for you to open the subject. 

[zil]

45 minutes ago, Bad Karma said:

you may crash and burn

And if you do, Lifehouse have already recorded a song to commemorate the event...

[Vort]

2 hours ago, zil said:

3 hours ago, Bad Karma said:

you may crash and burn

And if you do, Lifehouse have already recorded a song to commemorate the event...

April Wine, baby.

 

[zil]

8 hours ago, Vort said:

April Wine, baby.

Yeah, whatever.

[chasingthewind]

On ‎7‎/‎24‎/‎2017 at 3:02 PM, mdfxdb said:

really????  

Dude, really?

time to lay it out and see what happens.

I am not going to lay it out right now since she will be busy preparing for and taking finals for the next few weeks and I don't want to distract her from her schoolwork.  But I will definitely lay it out shortly after she finishes with school.  And I won't feel guilty about doing so considering how much she has been flirting with me.

[chasingthewind]

On ‎7‎/‎21‎/‎2017 at 8:31 AM, Suzie said:

Well, in my view doesn't sound then that you are madly in love with her as stated in your OP. Just my opinion.

Are you suggesting I pass up all opportunities to date locally until the girl in Utah becomes available for a long-distance relationship?  That's just not a good idea.

Are you suggesting I continue to date locally and not tell the girl in Utah I'm dating anyone?  That doesn't seem honest.

Edited July 25, 2017 by chasingthewind

[Suzie]

4 hours ago, chasingthewind said:

Are you suggesting I pass up all opportunities to date locally until the girl in Utah becomes available for a long-distance relationship?  That's just not a good idea.

Are you suggesting I continue to date locally and not tell the girl in Utah I'm dating anyone?  That doesn't seem honest.

Before I answer that...When you met her, she was already dating someone?

[my two cents]

1 hour ago, Suzie said:

Before I answer that...When you met her, she was already dating someone?

When they met, she was on a mission and he was her 'golden investigator'.

[anatess2]

14 hours ago, chasingthewind said:

I am not going to lay it out right now since she will be busy preparing for and taking finals for the next few weeks and I don't want to distract her from her schoolwork.  But I will definitely lay it out shortly after she finishes with school.  And I won't feel guilty about doing so considering how much she has been flirting with me.

That's a cop-out.  Women are not so weak that we can't handle finals and someone laying their heart at our feet all while trying to detonate a nuclear bomb.  If you're just too scared to do it, that's ok.  That's understandable.  But you'll have to pull up your bootstraps eventually, so now is as good a time as any.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, anatess2 said:

That's a cop-out.  Women are not so weak that we can't handle finals and someone laying their heart at our feet all while trying to detonate a nuclear bomb.  If you're just too scared to do it, that's ok.  That's understandable.  But you'll have to pull up your bootstraps eventually, so now is as good a time as any.

[anatess2]

40 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

One of these days, somebody is going to explain to me how grief is good.

[person0]

13 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

One of these days, somebody is going to explain to me how grief is good.

 

Quote

" . . . all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."

(D&C 122:7)

[mrmarklin]

Go for it!