Is it appropriate to tell a girl you're interested in them while she's already dating someone?

[person0]

Just go in for a small, completely appropriate kiss on the lips (just a cute peck - no overzealous passion).  Just make sure to do it really fast so she can't stop you. Then that way even if she doesn't like you, at least you got something good out of it before it went awkward!

Oh, and do it like as soon as she gets there as part of the initial greeting, that way, you have a 5% chance of successfully pretending it was just how you greet people, and having her think it was unusual but forget about it by the time she leaves.    If you can pull it off, you win either way!

Anecdote:  My middle eastern family actually does greet family and close friends with a kiss on each cheek, so in the right context this could actually work reasonably well!  

[Just_A_Guy]

24 minutes ago, person0 said:

Just go in for a small, completely appropriate kiss on the lips (just a cute peck - no overzealous passion).  Just make sure to do it really fast so she can't stop you. Then that way even if she doesn't like you, at least you got something good out of it before it went awkward!

Oh, my stars and garters.  Don't try this on a college campus.  Their Title IX office will eat you alive.

[Guest MormonGator]

33 minutes ago, person0 said:

Just go in for a small, completely appropriate kiss on the lips (just a cute peck - no overzealous passion).  Just make sure to do it really fast so she can't stop you. Then that way even if she doesn't like you, at least you got something good out of it before it went awkward!

And when she punches you in the face, you can safely assume that she doesn't want you as a boyfriend. 

[Suzie]

Okay..this is my serious take (thinking what I would do if I was in that situation, using some logic here and natural human reaction)

If I like Mike but I'm dating Jason (unless Mike specifically asks me if I am dating someone) there is no way on earth that I will tell him that I'm dating someone, let alone talk with him about the possibility of me getting married to this guy, etc. I wouldn't want Mike to look elsewhere.

[Snigmorder]

1 hour ago, Carborendum said:

This sounds really bad.

Chase, 

I've read all the posts.  And I was on the fence.  But once you added this additional information... This is not good.  It's a variant of the Florence Nightingale syndrome.

It doesn't matter how you feel.  My advice is to look elsewhere.  You're in Arizona now (or will be soon -- I couldn't quite tell).  There are a LOT more LDS girls in AZ.  Start anew.  You'll feel much more fulfilled if you do it.

Ted lives in Arizona so chase better watch his back.

[Sunday21]

1 hour ago, person0 said:

Just go in for a small, completely appropriate kiss on the lips (just a cute peck - no overzealous passion).  Just make sure to do it really fast so she can't stop you. Then that way even if she doesn't like you, at least you got something good out of it before it went awkward!

Oh, and do it like as soon as she gets there as part of the initial greeting, that way, you have a 5% chance of successfully pretending it was just how you greet people, and having her think it was unusual but forget about it by the time she leaves.    If you can pull it off, you win either way!

Anecdote:  My middle eastern family actually does greet family and close friends with a kiss on each cheek, so in the right context this could actually work reasonably well!  

I would really not do this! My gut tells me that there is something wrong with this situation. I have a feeling that she is mothering the OP or that she ....may like to have a few dudes waiting in the wings. There is something about this that does not smell right. Maybe it is time to pray to Heavely Father and ask His advice. I would be gentle about telling her how you feel. Just say something like, It's good that you have found someone, but of course I will always be in love with you. If your admission is gentle then you can enjoy the rest of the visit.

[Sunday21]

28 minutes ago, Suzie said:

Okay..this is my serious take (thinking what I would do if I was in that situation, using some logic here and natural human reaction)

If I like Mike but I'm dating Jason (unless Mike specifically asks me if I am dating someone) there is no way on earth that I will tell him that I'm dating someone, let alone talk with him about the possibility of me getting married to this guy, etc. I wouldn't want Mike to look elsewhere.

Yeah! 

[pam]

Any time you come to a public forum and ask random people on the internet what their thoughts are, you HAVE to expect to get a variety of answers.  Some you may not like.  It's the nature of a public forum.  You have to take the good comments with the bad.   Of course good are always those that agree with you.  

[askandanswer]

5 hours ago, zil said:

I concur.  Sounds like husband shopping - but depending on whether they've met in person, it could just be her determining whether he's someone to consider thinking that way about, as opposed to already thinking that way.

However, one should keep in mind that women are fully capable of viewing even attractive men as "just friends" (whereas, based on comments from a seeming majority of men herein, (most) men aren't capable of this, thus leading to men misinterpreting a woman's intent more frequently than women misinterpret a man's intent).  Nothing, absolutely nothing the OP has related thus far, other than this trip, indicates anything more than friendship (from a woman's perspective - since the OP doesn't know, I'll mention here that I'm a woman).

The question is, is this woman explicitly going to AZ only "to drive down to [OP's] apartment", or is she going for other reasons and meeting up with OP is a nice addition to the trip?  Further, only an insane female goes to the apartment of a male she doesn't already know well (in person).  (But the OP doesn't tell us whether they've met in person before.)

Meanwhile, I felt inspired by @NeuroTypical's second post to draw a picture (of our OP, falling, and singing) (all in good fun @chasingthewind)...

For @Snigmorder and @DoctorLemon, I refer you to Little Sister, by Elvis Presley (possibly my favorite Elvis song).

 @zil aren't you going to tell us the name of the ink and the pen you used?

[askandanswer]

4 hours ago, Vort said:

 

Sounds suspicious to me. Maybe that's why I'm not Dear Abby. (Well, that and the fact that I possess both brains and a moral backing.)

When did you resign?

[chasingthewind]

3 hours ago, Carborendum said:

This sounds really bad.

Chase, 

I've read all the posts.  And I was on the fence.  But once you added this additional information... This is not good.  It's a variant of the Florence Nightingale syndrome.

It doesn't matter how you feel.  My advice is to look elsewhere.  You're in Arizona now (or will be soon -- I couldn't quite tell).  There are a LOT more LDS girls in AZ.  Start anew.  You'll feel much more fulfilled if you do it.

Why does it sound "really bad"?  Please explain.

[chasingthewind]

2 hours ago, Suzie said:

Okay..this is my serious take (thinking what I would do if I was in that situation, using some logic here and natural human reaction)

If I like Mike but I'm dating Jason (unless Mike specifically asks me if I am dating someone) there is no way on earth that I will tell him that I'm dating someone, let alone talk with him about the possibility of me getting married to this guy, etc. I wouldn't want Mike to look elsewhere.

But I've done the same thing to her.  I've talked to her before about dating another girl.  I dated a girl in NY for a few months and told the girl in Utah about it.. sooo, yeah. 

In general it doesn't seem like a good sign - I agree.  I think it's more of a problem of distance than anything else, though.  If we lived closer to each other and she was still dating other people and telling me about it, then it would be concerning.  But since she's farther away, I don't find it all that troubling.  She probably doesn't feel like I'm a live option right now.  But if our visit goes well and we figure out ways to spend more time with each other, then maybe that will change... 

 

 

Edited July 21, 2017 by chasingthewind

[Just_A_Guy]

7 hours ago, DoctorLemon said:

Wow, that is slimy.  Ted sounds like a creep and should be ashamed of himself.  I knew a guy who did this to a friend of mine (steal a girl while she was on a date with my friend), and it really damaged my opinion of the guy (not that I liked him much to begin with) . . . the friend of mine, believe it or not, eventually won the girl back and they got married.  I am happy for my friend, but I would have run for the hills.

I'm with you.  Girls are presumably able to tell when these kinds of antics are being played; and if there's a girl who actually likes that sort of thing--well, a song comes to mind . . .

 

Edited July 21, 2017 by Just_A_Guy

[SpiritDragon]

@Just_A_Guy 

They seek him here

they seek him there

those Frenchies seek him everywhere

Is he Heaven or is he in ...

that darned elusive pimpernel

[SpiritDragon]

4 hours ago, person0 said:

Just go in for a small, completely appropriate kiss on the lips (just a cute peck - no overzealous passion).  Just make sure to do it really fast so she can't stop you. Then that way even if she doesn't like you, at least you got something good out of it before it went awkward!

Rape Culture!

[Just_A_Guy]

4 minutes ago, SpiritDragon said:

@Just_A_Guy 

They seek him here

they seek him there

those Frenchies seek him everywhere

Is he Heaven or is he in ...

that darned elusive pimpernel

Whenever we listen to the Broadway cast, Just_A_Girl reminds me that she totally would have picked Chauvelin.  Likes a good baritone, she does . . .

Edited July 21, 2017 by Just_A_Guy

[SpiritDragon]

36 minutes ago, Just_A_Guy said:

Whenever we listen to the Broadway cast, Just_A_Girl reminds me that she totally would have picked Chauvelin.  Likes a good baritone, she does . . .

I've never actually seen or listened to broadway production, but for three years in a row I watched an old movie of the Scarlet Pimpernel in french class. It was a fun show.

[zil]

8 hours ago, askandanswer said:

 @zil aren't you going to tell us the name of the ink and the pen you used?

That was a Pilot Vanishing Point with a 1.0mm stub nib, enjoying a fill of KWZ Azure #5 (pretty sure I mentioned this in another posted pic of writing - I can't believe you didn't recognize it).

[BeccaKirstyn]

9 hours ago, chasingthewind said:

In general it doesn't seem like a good sign - I agree.  I think it's more of a problem of distance than anything else, though.  If we lived closer to each other and she was still dating other people and telling me about it, then it would be concerning.  But since she's farther away, I don't find it all that troubling.  She probably doesn't feel like I'm a live option right now.  But if our visit goes well and we figure out ways to spend more time with each other, then maybe that will change... 

 

 

I feel like you need to just be honest and tell her how you feel, but please do it before she comes to visit you. Otherwise this whole fantasizing about "what could be" will grow even more after you see her again in person. Just recognize that you may: 1) be embarrassed if she doesn't have the same feelings for you, and 2) lose the friendship you have with her because it could make things awkward and uncomfortable for her. Or there's the chance that in this very odd scenario, that she has similar feelings. And you two just have been beating around the bush for months. I personally don't think it's the latter, but I also don't have the full context of your friendship/relationship. Good luck either way, but please for the sake of your sanity, tell her how you feel. 

 

[Guest]

9 hours ago, chasingthewind said:

Why does it sound "really bad"?  Please explain.

It's the Florence Nightingale Syndrome.  Are you familiar with it?

[anatess2]

14 hours ago, seashmore said:

This is exactly why I don't bother flirting with guys who are in a romantic relationship with someone else. If I can steal him from her, who's going to steal him from me?

Wolverine:  Are you gonna tell me to stay away from your girl?

Cyclops:  If I have to do that, she wouldn't be my girl.

 

[person0]

9 hours ago, SpiritDragon said:

Rape Culture!

I suppose then that this unsuspecting man is a victim of rape culture?    Or does it not count because they are Asian?   

[Guest Godless]

14 hours ago, chasingthewind said:

How did you treat your wife while she was still dating other guys? 

 

Like a friend. A very close friend, but just a friend. 

 

Quote

How did you walk the tightrope of trying to break out of the friend zone while not trying to interfere with her current relationships?   

 

Easy, I didn't. I made very little attempt to break out of the friend zone while she was dating other guys. I wanted there to be no room for doubt that I supported her relationships. We talked on the phone a lot and became best friends, but I tried my best not to let on that I wanted something more.   

 

Quote

When/how did you go about spilling the beans to your wife?  Did you spill the beans to her while she was still dating or did you wait until she was single to spill them?  

 

The first signal I gave was very subtle. I flew East to visit during the holidays. I spent Christmas with my parents in PA and then spent some time in Maryland catching up with old friends. I ended up spending NYE with future wife and her boyfriend (and a few other people, so I wasn't quite a "third wheel"). On New Years Day she drove me to the airport for my flight back to TX. We hugged when I got out of the car, and then I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. It was the kind of kiss you'd give your mother or sister, but to me it was so much more than that, and she knew it. I could see it on her face. With no words spoken, that was when I knew that she had feelings for me too. She left her boyfriend a few months later, for reasons not having to do with me. 

The following September I found myself in Maryland again for a few days of leave before shipping off to Iraq. That was when we finally opened up about how we felt about each other and started our first romantic fling. 

 

Quote

Why weren’t you able to go out with your wife after she stopped dating the first guy?  Did it have to do with distance? 

 

Yes. I was coming out of a rough long-distance relationship and didn't want to start up another one. At that point we were already connecting a great deal via phone and Myspace (to give you an idea of how long ago this was), and I decided to settle for that at the time. 

 

Quote

Also, may I ask how exactly you overcame the “distance”-problem?

 

I put a ring on it and convinced her to move to Texas. Mind you, this was about 6 years after I first realized that I had strong romantic feelings for her. And during that 6 year period was a severe falling out that lasted ~2 years. The main thing that saved us was the fact that I had family in the East and military obligations that would occasionally enhance my ability to travel out there. Plus we had a mutual friend that was determined to get us back together. We overcame some very steep odds to be together, and our biggest strides came with face-to-face time.

Please take my story with a grain of salt. I can't emphasize enough that your experience will almost certainly differ from mine, for better or worse. And I'll reiterate that my story involved a great deal of patience, uncertainty, and heartbreak. In the end the adversity made us stronger, but it easily could have broken us, and nearly did. Again, I encourage you to be honest with her about how you feel, but do so with an open mind and be emotionally prepared for disappointment. Whatever happens, I wish you the best. 

Edited July 21, 2017 by Godless

[Guest MormonGator]

1 hour ago, BeccaKirstyn said:

Or there's the chance that in this very odd scenario, that she has similar feelings. And you two just have been beating around the bush for months.

I agree. There is certainly that chance, and for his sake I hope it works that way.

I've noticed though that it doesn't really work that way in real life (yes, there are exceptions). In real life if you two are into each other, they don't need to dance around the subject. They both figure it out. Sure, the situation the OP is describing works in rom-com movies, but real life isn't like that. 

[Guest MormonGator]

12 hours ago, pam said:

Any time you come to a public forum and ask random people on the internet what their thoughts are, you HAVE to expect to get a variety of answers.  Some you may not like.  It's the nature of a public forum.  You have to take the good comments with the bad.   Of course good are always those that agree with you.  

So true. It's hard for us to accept, but many times when we ask questions/want opinions we don't really want honest feedback-we want confirmation or reassurance that we are doing the right thing.