Wife said she never loved me...ouch

[mormondad]

After about 5 years of marriage, my wife told me she never loved me.

Everything I read talks about rekindling the lost love that was there in the beginning, but what if it was never there?? What if she married me for reasons other than love? Her main reasons were that she believed I would be a kind husband & father and a good provider. I admit those aren’t bad reasons, but I would have liked there to be some genuine romantic love on her part. I still feel like there was and I like to think there was, but there are just so many mixed messages I don't know what to think anymore.

A little background. I majorly pursued her in college and thought that I had truly won her over when we started to talk marriage. I thought it was safe to assume that her marrying me was a signal that she was just as crazy about me as I was about her...nope.

5 years later after baby number 3 we were having problems and went to counseling. We didn't realize at the time she was in the middle of postpartum depression. But that’s when it came out. I felt devastated, cheated, and that I was no more than a sperm bank and a paycheck. I realize it might not be fair to put a lot of weight in things said by a woman in the midst of ppd, but the cynical side of me thought she was in a state of such indifference that she just let her true thoughts flow. I figured the ppd was just a vehicle that allowed the truth to come out.

Fast forward five more years. We are active LDS trying to do things right, but I feel like our marriage could be so much more. I fear that our young kids will sense a disconnection in my marriage and that it will have negative implication in theirs. Even when things seem good, I always have the thought deep down that she never really loved me. It’s hard not to attribute any marital problem to that. It also wasn't very reassuring when we had another therapist a year or two later who was pretty quick to suggest divorce.

Am I overthinking this? I realize we're still much better off than many arranged marriages. I think about President Kimball’s famous quote that “almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price." (Why did he have to say “almost any”?) In the same talk he says “marriage can be, more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive.” That just seems so far out of reach for me. 

Do I just settle for the fact that my wife settled for me? Or do I fight for something more? How do I come to terms and stop thinking about it? Do I talk to her? It's come up occasionally but usually in an argument (she never really acknowledges it, but she never denies it either). Do I just endure and hope for the best of the afterlife? That seems like a bleak prospect.

Thanks in advance. This one is my humdinger of the last decade.

[Vort]

No magical words of advice, mormondad, just my sincere sympathy and best wishes. I do believe that God can heal all things, including your marriage. But other than "hang in there" and "keep the commandments" and other obvious advice, I have nothing for you besides the sympathy and best wishes.

[seashmore]

I just shared a video with my YW yesterday from a Face to Face with Elder and Sister Bednar. It's in the YW "Come Follow Me" manual under the "Why is Temple Marriage Important?" outline. (In case I don't make it back with a decent link for you.) One of the things that he mentions is that "love" is both a noun and a verb. Often, the verb must come before the noun (feeling). Find it and watch it, maybe with your wife. Maybe share your thoughts about it with her.

Here is the lesson outline with the video. It's labeled video just above the "Share Experiences" section.

 

Best wishes.

Edited August 29, 2017 by seashmore
link

[Jane_Doe]

You two need counseling.  From a good counselor who supports your (both of yours) goals.  Do you currently have one?

 

 

[anatess2]

@mormondad, I only have one advice.  Sit down and contemplate... really think about it... in very concrete, honest, simple terms the answer to this question.

What do you mean by LOVE?

Then come back and tell me what you came up with.

[Sunday21]

I work with many people who entered into an arranged marriage, They barely knew each other when they married. They seem very happy.

You do not need to be in love to marry. You can learn to love. In previous centuries many people were not in love when they married. I suspect that many if not most women in most countries did not love the man they married, instead they wanted children. You can both be a team raising your children together. Pray about this.

[zil]

Your wife can learn to love you.  She can even fall in love with you.  (The two are not the same.)  But for that to happen, you (and perhaps she) need to find out what it is that makes a man lovable to her.  (Then it will be hard work, for both of you, and it will not involve the kind of deception and putting on a false best face that is involved so often in dating - that will make things worse when one of you relaxes and lets your real self show, so dismiss that idea now.)

As to what makes a man lovable or attractive... it is not (just) his appearance.  It has to do with how he behaves and speaks - to her and in general.  Along with whatever is included in all that, I would guess that she needs to feel like she can trust you and that you trust her - intimately, completely.  That is not so easy as it sounds (and as many seem to think).  It requires serious honesty and openness - that's hard and sometimes painful.

I'm sorry you're going through this.  You and your wife have my prayers.  I think the advice above is good and second it.

[Midwest LDS]

I'm sorry you are going through this brother that's really rough. I know how devastated I would be if my wife ever told me this. I'm not sure if I can help but, for what it's worth, I think you should do two things. 

1. Love your wife. Nothing builds affection better than receiving affection. Do everything you can to show how much you love her. That doesn't necessarily mean over the top romantic gestures, but little things like giving her a break from the kids, taking her on a nice night out, aknowledge her efforts to do nice things for you, just telling her you love her etc.

2. Make sure the lines of communication are as open as you can make them. She may have said this many years ago when she was in a really down period of her life (ppd is rough) and not really feel it anymore or not realize how much you have been hurt by it. If she does or isn't willing to sit and talk with you alone, a counselor (a good one not one who reccomends divorce) may help facilitate your communication. If you can't honestly talk to one another, these problems will never go away and may fester and cause even greater heartache later.

I'm sorry you're going through this trial, and my prayers are with you guys.

Edited August 29, 2017 by Midwest LDS

[my two cents]

My thoughts:

~That was the ppd talking so let it go. 

~She may not know how to walk back from it.

~She may have a warped sense of what love is supposed to look/feel like. Hollywood has not helped with this so avoid things that perpetuate the faulty ideas.

~There are different versions of love and different people see it differently. Sounds like hers is more practical and yours is more lovey-dovey. 

~Stop focusing so much on what you don't like and put more emphasis on what you do. (what you feed, grows)

~Figure out her love language and speak it often. (check your library for the book 'the 5 love languages')

~fwiw - Through all the ups and downs, my husband has never let anything stop him from loving me any way he can. Don't you be stopped either.

 

[my two cents]

One more thing - She probably has a heart wall. No amount of counselling sessions* can help with that. You need to connect with someone who knows the EmotionCode (developed by a practicing Mormon). Google for more info.

*counselling helps with the intellectual side to a person but there are spiritual, physical and emotional sides as well and you need to go to the right person to get the right help

[Guest MormonGator]

I am so sorry this is happening to you my brother. Sometimes as a man we can feel "guilty" about trying to tell people that our feelings can get hurt too. 

I'm praying for you. Sending love. 

[Dillon]

You are not the first to be in this spot and wont be the last.  Most women marry for security, financial security, "good father" security (meaning the kids will always have what they want, someone to take care of them,(buy whatever they want). Most women dont love they use. They use the man's stability to stabilize their own future.  Fast forward, the woman knows she can take most of what you have, be well taken care of by you without you around, so they bail. If the divorce laws would change, I suspect more women would learn to try to "love" their husbands more and stick around.

[prisonchaplain]

She's overwhelmed, and may be trying to escape her current desperation. She bore three children, and if you reflect on your years with her, I suspect you will come up with numerous incidents in which she demonstrated love for you. It is likely that she needs love from you now more than ever--selfless, unreciprocated love. This will provide her some much needed security. Perhaps if she realizes you will love her whether she is the perfect mom and wife, and whether she is always able to dish it back towards you, then she will calm down, start to feel safe, and begin to love you back, in her own way. She may thinks you love her more than she loves you, and so said that. Her perception is likely skewed because of her feeling overwhelmed. Don't give up on her. Love her unreservedly. Whether I am right or not, surely Heavenly Father will reward your love and faithfulness.

[Dillon]

postpartum depression is just an excuse.  you said yourself you never felt like she loved you. While I do believe God can help all marriages if God is involved on both sides, I cannot help but to think God can only do so much when a woman gets married for a 'paycheck. I think I would be getting an attorney and fast.  If you have a joint account get the money out, yesterday. Your wife already has one foot out the door.

[my two cents]

Sounds like @Dillon has a negative view of women and doesn't understand ppd or what constitutes valid reasons for divorce. 

[anatess2]

23 minutes ago, Dillon said:

postpartum depression is just an excuse.  you said yourself you never felt like she loved you. While I do believe God can help all marriages if God is involved on both sides, I cannot help but to think God can only do so much when a woman gets married for a 'paycheck. I think I would be getting an attorney and fast.  If you have a joint account get the money out, yesterday. Your wife already has one foot out the door.

This is called "projection".  I don't know what happened in Dillon's life but I am pretty sure this is a reflection of that.

This is not the norm nor is this anywhere close to the fact pattern of the OP.

And post-partum depression is more serious than just something to use as an excuse.  The signs of PPD is all-encompassing and can be very serious to the health and even survivability of both the mother and the baby and should not be taken lightly.

And if I may say - anyone who has this outlook should not get married until such time that they dig out where this projection is coming from and deal with it.

Edited August 29, 2017 by anatess2

[Dillon]

28 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

This is called "projection".  I don't know what happened in Dillon's life but I am pretty sure this is a reflection of that.

This is not the norm nor is this anywhere close to the fact pattern of the OP.

And post-partum depression is more serious than just something to use as an excuse.  The signs of PPD is all-encompassing and can be very serious to the health and even survivability of both the mother and the baby and should not be taken lightly.

And if I may say - anyone who has this outlook should not get married until such time that they dig out where this projection is coming from and deal with it.

Maybe I didnt type my response clear,    postpartum depression has NOTHING to do with the fact that this woman does not love this man.

 

[Jane_Doe]

2 hours ago, Dillon said:

Maybe I didnt type my response clear,    postpartum depression has NOTHING to do with the fact that this woman does not love this man.

 

Postpartum depression is a major clinical condition which warps the suffer's perception and memory, shrouding it in darkness and hopelessness.  It is entirely possible (in fact highly probable) that this woman truly loved her husband when they were married and continues to this day, but the darkness of PPD hid that joy from her view.  We, strangers on the internet, are in no place to judge her or the husband.  This is a clinical condition that needs to be treated by a trained professional.

Edited August 29, 2017 by Jane_Doe

[Dillon]

Postpartum depression is a major clinical condition which warps the suffer's perception and memory, shrouding it in darkness and hopelessness.

 

LOL, ok. 

[Dillon]

I keep forgetting that no woman ever in the history of women has ever married a man for just his money or what he could provide. Then later decides she wants to go find love now, with his money of course.   I keep forgetting that this has never ever happened.

[Guest MormonGator]

1 minute ago, Dillon said:

I keep forgetting that no woman ever in the history of women has ever married a man for just his money or what he could provide. Then later decides she wants to go find love now, with his money of course.   I keep forgetting that this has never ever happened.

It has happened. Yup. No doubt. So what is your point? 

3 minutes ago, Dillon said:

Postpartum depression is a major clinical condition which warps the suffer's perception and memory, shrouding it in darkness and hopelessness.

 

LOL, ok. 

Totally out of line. Postpartum depression, like forms of depression, does exactly what @Jane_Doe says it  does. 

[Dillon]

So of course it has to be this clinical post part whatever you call it, it cant be just  the woman and how she honestly feels no way,  because this condition causes amnesia and the woman forgets who she is and her name and where she lives. 

[Dillon]

I know women get depressed when they realize they have kids screaming whatever, and they have a name for it.  I am trying to be honest with the guy,  I think your wife is being honest.  Lets give it time and see who is right. I do hope its not me.

[Guest MormonGator]

@Dillon, you are slightly correct, but I'm not sure it's for the reasons you think. It's sometimes true, if a wife posted that her husband said he never loved her, the responses might be different. We (generic!) are more likely to give her the benefit of the doubt than we are him. There is a bit of a double standard in society. I don't see that happening here though. 

However, depression of all types is a serious problem and can cloud judgement. It's no excuse for cheating on your spouse, neglecting your child and being an overall bad person, but it can diminish your accountability to some degree and warp your thinking. 

[Dillon]

I am guessing the therapist that suggested divorce had a conversation or 2 with the wife alone and probably discovered many things the husband does not know. That is why I discredited the Postpartum and think it may just be a wife that is not in love and has realized a relationship takes some love to be intimate and not just plenty of money in the bank.